Damn!!!

I didn't realize it has been a little over a month since I last posted anything new to my blog. I skipped the entire month of July!!!! It is now August, and we are quickly approaching the end of another year. In other words, Christmas is just around the corner, so get ready to see Christmas decorations in all the stores for Halloween. More importantly, my birthday is coming up. What shall I do this year? I will take the remainder of the day to ponder that. I need to go somewhere. I like travelling most in the winter season. So I'll probably select a state north or northeast. I need to be where its cold. Tara.....think of a place for me to go, and let me know what you come up with and if you can come with me.

My Head Hurts

I'm so fucking upset with BET right now, I don't know what to do with myself. I wasted four hours of my life watching a channel that I don't ordinarily watch, let alone an award show on that channel. The only reason why I tuned in was to see just how they would "honor" Michael Jackson. Well, that didn't happen. It was painfully obvious that none of those people/so called entertainers knew anything about Michael Jackson or his legacy and contributions to music!!!! I wasted four hours watching a bunch of non-talented motherfuckers jump around on the stage cursing in their lyrics, and at the end of their so called performance, they had the audacity to say, "Rest in Peace Mike. We love you and miss you." That's not honoring someone-fucking jackasses!!!!! What really angered me was the fact that Janet had to sit through that shit!!!!! Janet had a look of disgust on her face. I've never seen her look so insulted before. All she could say in a breaking tone was, "To you Michael was an icon. To us he was family." Because she was about to cry, she had to walk off the stage. How dare BET ask the Jackson family to be present for that shit!!!! Janet was "elected" by her family to appear on behalf of her family. Otherwise she wouldn't have been there enduring such tasteless, tacky, ignorant shit!!!!

And can somebody PLEASE tell that bitch Beyonce' that you do not sing the Ave Maria in a fucking teddy!!!! I hate that bitch!!!! I'm not even catholic and I was insulted!!! How dare she disgrace a sacred song as such. My grandfather loved that song, and for her to disrespect it in such a manner makes me wanna slap the fuck out of her!!!! And if she's gonna sing the Latin version, at least have the decency to know how to pronounce the words!!!!! I'm so fucking sick to my stomach right now. This is what music has come to. Something that's not even creative, artistic, beautiful, brilliant....I can go on!!!!! How dare these people insult music like this. I've been playing music practically all my life, and I've never hated this style of music as much as I do right now. These people offer absolutely nothing to the art form of music. I'm so sorry Janet had to leave her family to sit through that shit!!!

Acceptance

The more I think about Michael Jackson, the more upset I become. The more upset I become, the more angry I get. Even though I've never met him, I feel his pain and understand more than what most people are willing to recognize. I'll start with his childhood. Michael was singing ever since he could talk. And having Joe Jackson as a father obviously was not an easy task. This post is not meant to lay blame on or point a finger at his father, but I, like most people I am sure, can relate to having a controlling and demanding parent. Outside of school, the only other thing in Michael's life was music and his four older brothers. That's all he knew. Singing, performing, and dancing had to be perfect or else people wouldn't "accept" him. And as long as the public was "accepting" Michael, life was fine because his father was pleased. Anything less than perfect would be a disgrace in Michael's eyes because it would have been a disgrace in his fathers' eyes, thus the public eye. Imagine living a life in the public eye from early childhood until your death. I certainly wouldn't want to live a life like his. Here's how I can relate to Michael. My mother was constantly telling me and my sister that we had to be perfect, get good grades, and become somebody or otherwise no one would "accept" us. It was ingrained in our minds that our family and "so called friends" were waiting to see us fail. Therefore, me and my sister had to get great grades. It wasn't an option. There was no room for error or failure. If you weren't number one, then you were nothing. The only thing I knew as a child was constant studying and in my spare time the only other thing I had was music. Music helped me escape. It helped me to cope with the abuse we were receiving from our mother. I can remember more childhood songs than I can any other part of my childhood. That's just how much of a blur my childhood is to me. The minute my grades began to slip in high school, I felt like the world was tumbling down. I truly believed I would become nothing, my family and "so called friends" would criticize me, and all I wanted to do was die. I was 14 years old and I was crying and screaming to my daddy that I didn't want to live and I wanted to die all because my grades were less than perfect. I kept telling him that I wanted to die while he tried to calm me down until I finally fell asleep. I understand how Michael felt when not only the public, but a parent places that much pressure on you as a child.

Since Michael's passing, so much about his mental and physical health has surfaced. I've known for a few months now that he suffered with a pulmonary disease; which for an entertainer is not only damaging to your health, its also damaging to your career. The Micheal we've been seeing on tv was probably no more. His health was deteriorating along with his career; which leads me to his mental health. At the height of his career, Michael was "accepted" by everyone. The WORLD loved him. There wasn't a single part of the entire globe that had never heard of or seen Michael Jackson. How many artists can actually say that. Then came all the stories about his skin tone, his sex life, and of course, the allegations of child molestation. After the second allegation that resulted in an acquittal, I said to myself then that Michael would kill himself. The reason why I said that was because Michael was too busy trying to regain his popularity and "acceptance" of the public. However, there was nothing he could do, say, or sing to change, slow down, or stop the constant criticism. Everyday this man was called weird, a molester, "Wacko Jacko," or some other stupid name just to sell a damn magazine to a bunch of ignorant ass people who don't have anything better to do with their damn selves but enjoy reading about someone else's downfall. Also there was the matter of not having the same cash flow coming in anymore. Michael was in more debt than any of us could ever imagine. From this day forward I will stop complaining about my student loans. I'm sure if that's all Michael had to worry about, he would have been happy to trade lives with any of us. This man had insurmountable obstacles in his life. One obstacle after the other. Then there's the side called lonely. My sister couldn't understand why Michael felt so lonely and never found a woman to settle down with considering all of his older brothers did. I told her that was the reason. I explained it to her like this. For the longest, it was just me and my sister. She was the only other person who understood what it was like growing up on Leonidas Street with our mother. Just like Michael and his older brothers knew what it was like growing up in Gary, Indiana with Joe Jackson. Then all of sudden, his brothers got married one by one, and started their own families; which more than likely left Michael feeling alone. All Michael had left was his career. Music was all he knew considering that's all he did since childhood. My sister was all I knew, and when she got married and had a child, I felt alone. It was no longer me and my sister. It was just me and my career. That's all I had and it was all I was taught to achieve since childhood. And here I am a 35 year old woman, with no children, no husband, and a career. I often feel like I don't fit in anywhere because my friends and family have achieved what is socially "acceptable" in life-getting married and having a family.

Then there's the depression factor. Some of the pills that Michael was taking, I've taken or am taking. My brother in law said, "Wasn't he taking Zoloft, that crazy people medicine?" That right there is the reason why Michael probably never shared his pain or the medication he was taking with anybody. Comments like that keep me from talking about how tough it is for me to battle depression. If I wasn't taking Cymbalta, my ass would probably be dead now. Even though Michael may have been taking anti-depressants, and a combination of other drugs, I blame that doctor who helped Michael kill himself. Michael knew at the age of 50 that there was no way he could perform anymore. After having endured being burned, falling off of a stage, breaking bones, and having a pulmonary disease, he knew his performing days were over, and I'm sure in his mind that also meant his life was over. I'm almost certain that Michael would rather be dead than to let people see him in a condition outside of what the world was accustomed to seeing.

On so many levels, I understand his pain. I understand his constant unhappiness with himself. I understand why it was so important to always be perfect. And if you can't be pleasing to anyone, then what's the sense in living? So the only thing Michael could "accept" was a desire to no longer live. In other words, if he couldn't be perfect, then he wouldn't "accept" anything less than that; which meant give him death. This is why I'm taking his death so hard. Michael inspired me to want to dance. He inspired me to learn all there was about charisma when it came to dance and rhythm. He inspired me to listen to the meaning of the lyrics and feel the joy or pain the artist was conveying. For instance, in his song Wanna Be Startin' Somethin', he says, "You're a vegetable, still they hate you, you're a vegetable, you're just a buffet, you're a vegetable, they eat off of you, you're a vegetable." Translation: Michael is the vegetable. Vegetables are good for you. And even though Michael/the vegetable is good to you or for you, still they hate you. Like Michael with his money/vegetables, he was a buffet for greedy, money hungry people who ate off of him/the vegetable.

So I will end this post quoting lyrics to Michael from that same song. Anybody who wants to learn more about music would already know that these lyrics were not written with the song. They were ad libbed when Michael recorded it. To Michael I say, "Lift your head up high and scream out to the world I know I am someone and let the truth unfurl. No one can hurt you now because you know the truth. Yes, I believe in me so you believe in you."

Rest In Peace Michael...you certainly deserve to.

The Passing of an Icon

At first, I took it in stride. But as time passed, and more of his music was played on the radio, the more it began to sink in. A huge influence on my childhood has passed away. Everybody wanted to either be like him, dance like him, sing like him, look like him, or meet him. I'm sure just watching him perform on television had to be more exhilarating in concert. This was the young face with an astonishing voice on the lead vocals with his brothers behind him. He even influenced his youngest sister to be an icon as well. Which of them danced better is a personal preference, but no doubt they're both talented. When you think about it, this man provided for his family as soon as he came out of his mother's womb. He was at least seven when he and his brothers performed on the Ed Sullivan show; which by the way was a huge event for black America during those times. If you didn't know the songs outside of what was being played on the radio, then you missed out. "Jack still sits all alone; he lives the world that is his own; he's lost in thought of who to be; I wish to God that he would see just love." Or what about, "Even though the pain and heartache seems to follow me where ever I go; though I try and try to hide my feelings they always seem to show; then you try to say you're leaving me and I always have to say no; tell me why is it so that I never can say goodbye." And here we are saying goodbye to someone who has influenced every new so called artist out there today. I don't know a better entertainer, and doubt we'll ever see another one in this lifetime. This man was huge during my parents generation and mine. Name another artist who has done that. I challenge you. To our musical King...goodbye Michael Jackson.....

Finding Time

Quite some time has passed since my last post on my blog. I've been so busy with work that it seems like I am consumed with nothing else but it. I do make time however to read my history books. That's one of the few things that keeps me level headed. In a nutshell, I've been to Houston, Texas for business; which turned out great. Me and my business partner have a great opportunity in front of us right now, but I won't get into all of that just yet. The civil practice in my law office is developing fine. I'm finally getting the hang of how to do billable hours. And today was the first time I went to my parents house since I moved out in April. My mother was happy to see me. She hugged me and kissed me on my check as I told her that I missed her. No apologies were exchanged however. Not that I expected to hear one, or give one for that matter. But the silence and distance was getting old. I truly do not have time to carry that burden on my plate. I have too much going on business wise that I don't want to take time out to reflect on what happened, and how long its been since I last spoke with my mother. I have no worries on my end though. Just thoughts of how to become successful in my career. Other than that, not much else has been going on. Holla later...

It's Official

This week was a step in the right direction for me. I successfully obtained my charter number from the Secretary of State for my law practice. So now my law office is an official LLC business entity in the state of Louisiana. I am the owner of my own business, the registered agent for my business, and since I'm the only member, I'm the president of my business. Once I obtained my official business status in the state, I was able to open up a bank account for my law practice. That was of extreme importance to do. In fact, its required by the state bar association that private practitioners and firms have a client trust account and a general business account. We have to make sure we don't co-mingle our personal account with our business account. And we definitely have to have the client trust account to make sure that the clients money is being spent on the client. I just hope I'm able to maintain an accurate ledger for my records. Since I'm a lawyer, I know absolutely nothing about operating a business. With that fact, I'm now in search of an accountant who I can trust to manage my money and make sure I'm straight with the IRS for tax purposes. My sister is an accountant, but she isn't a CPA; which is what I need. My sister won't even touch matters like this. She'd rather not take the risk of miscalculation or not being able to give proper advice on tax tips that can be beneficial for a business. I can understand that. Its the same with me. I know nothing about tax law, so I wouldn't represent anyone who needs a tax attorney. I'll just keep searching until I find the right accountant I can trust.

After I obtained my charter number and opened my business bank account, I started feeling intimidated. It actually hit me for the first time that this shit is real. I've taken on a huge responsibility, and it seems like all of this is happening so fast. So many worries filled my head to the point that I didn't want to think about it anymore. After taking some xanax to calm down, I told myself that everything will be fine. In fact, everything has been fine so far. With that in mind, I went on with my day. Here's something else I will share. I was presented with another opportunity to be a guest on another cable access show. The person who asked me to appear on her talk show is an attorney also. She's been inviting me to be on her show ever since I was a prosecutor. Yesterday she called me up and said she was taping Friday night and wanted me there for 7:00. I didn't even think about it. I told her I'd be there, and tonight I was a guest on her talk show discussing the criminal justice system. I must say that I had a lot of fun. It was my first time ever being involved in a talk show discussion. I've been on the news before, but this was different. She wants me to be a part of a symposium she's planning for later this year. I'm on board for that as well. She even mentioned inviting me back on the talk show. I think I'll do it again since its free advertising for me as a solo practitioner. This week was great considering all that I was able to accomplish coupled with the open door for free advertisement on television. I must say that this feels really good.

A Different Area

This morning I had to drive to another parish to represent a client of mine for a criminal charge and some traffic violations. I will not disclose the name of the parish in this post. Just know that it wasn't Jefferson or Orleans Parish. I arrived at the courthouse early because I didn't know where I was going, and I didn't want to run the risk of being late. I don't know any of the judges out there, so I didn't want to take a gamble starting off with a bad reputation, or possibly have the judge punish my client for my shortcomings. The courtroom was full, so needless to say we were there well into the afternoon hours. The judge seemed very polite and sympathetic to many of the defendants circumstances. He even went so far as to waive fines and fees for many of the defendants. Well, finally my clients' name was called, and we proceeded to the bench to address the court. I, of course, began to speak on the record on behalf of my client introducing myself by name, as an attorney, and informed the judge that I was present on behalf of my client who was also present in court. The judge then asked me a strange question. He asked me, "Are you an attorney?" At that point, I paused for about two seconds, and replied, "Yes sir. I am an attorney." Now, I don't want you to think the judge had this prejudice look or tone when he asked me that question. To me, it just came across as strange that he would ask that question even though I had just introduced myself as an attorney. One logical explanation could be that this parish rarely encounter a lot of black attorney's; just black defendants. In addition to that, as I was walking out of the courtroom, I thanked the courtroom deputy for all of his assistance and courtesy, then he asked me a question. The deputy asked me, "You from Nawlins?" In an effort to get him to repeat his question, and to make sure I understood which city he was pronouncing-or attempting to pronounce, I said, "I'm sorry sir." So again he asked, "You from Nawlins?" I replied, "Yes sir I am." He then nodded his head up and down, smiled, and told me to have a nice day. For the reader's sake, I will admit that this deputy was an older white male, but he was quite polite to me, and he too showed no signs of being prejudice, nor did he speak to me with a prejudice tone. I was just wondering what clued him in that I was not from that area. More specifically, how did he guess I was from New Orleans? I immediately asked myself if I have that New Orleans accent that we are known for having according to people from other cities/states. But here's why I don't think that's it. Many people in New Orleans, whether they're from here or not, upon meeting me will ask me if I'm from New Orleans. Every time I am asked that question, I in turn ask why do you ask. And ALL have replied with, "You don't talk like you from here." Or they'll say, " You don't have a New Orleans demeanor about yourself." After saying goodbye to the deputy, I proceeded to walk to my car, and another gentleman stopped me and asked for my business card. He was a black man of course, and his son was there for a charge. I told him to give me a call tomorrow. I have a feeling I may be picking up quite a few clients in the criminal arena in these other parishes.