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Last night, I went by my best friend house and successfully spawned a debate with her boyfriend's best friend. I'll admit, I was wrong for playing devil's advocate, but I get a kick out of how his friend looks perplexed when I pass a one sided comment. I walked away knowing I struck a nerve, but I also walked away knowing he views me as most women, and that's a "hard to deal with woman." I am sure he was saying to himself I see why she's single. The somewhat down side is, I think I may have inadvertently made my best firends' boyfriend feel bad. Yeah, I wanted to irritate his friend, but I didn't want to make him feel bad by my comments. I think the next time I am in his company, I will flip my personality and views, just to throw him for a loop. What I can't understand is why these two men will have the same conversation and think they are dropping science on somebody. I honestly think they like to hear themselves talk. Unfortunately, they always miss the true underlying issue. We as young African American people do not know how to find a common ground in our lives/relationships. In too many of our relationships, its constantly one sided be it male or female. The most common problem that we have is that we allow our experiences, setbacks, misfortune, criticism and self hatred to dictate how we treat our significant other. I definitely am guilty of that because the last relationship I was in was damn near nine years ago. I have not been romantically involved with anyone past a sexual nature and thus I treat all of my encounters with men as a business expedition. Everything is about "me". Its either fuck or be fucked and no one wants to be fucked so we keep those guards up and as a result there is no peace between people in their relationships, much less normal conversation without all the yelling. Hense the title conversation peace. There is none. My friend's company looked at me strange when I said I don't talk to people. He thinks its because I am judgemental and think everyone is stupid. But that's not it. I like to listen long enough to see what strikes a nerve in people so that I don't strike that nerve. I want my conversations with people to be so delicate that I walk away knowing the other person heard what I had to say, respected it, and vice versa. True I am a lawyer, but it doesn't mean that I like to fuss all the time, if at all. For the most part, I think I am laid back, despite what I may display to people during conversation.
Today was a wonderful Christmas. For the first time, New Orleans actually saw some snow. It has semi snowed here before, but not like today. I had fun throwing snowballs with my cousins. I went by my aunt's house because she had gumbo. I didn't get to make it to Mississippi like I wanted to in order to see my cousin and honestly I don't feel like driving there tomorrow. But I might have to. I have some work that I need to start looking at because these next two weeks will be busy between moving and work to prepare for court. Right now I am tired but I ate some good food today. Monday I need to go to the bank to transfer some funds from one account to another in order to cover all the checks I need to write next week. My aunt let me borrow her Ray movie so I will watch that tonight. I need to speak to my friend because I am really concerned about her. Will write later....
Well I decided to move into the apartment at Oak Island Apartments. I completed the paperwork today. I will move in next weekend. I got a one bedroom and with it comes a lot of closet space, a fireplace, a washer and dryer in my apartment,and a storage room where the patio is located. My mom and dad are not thrilled. My mom keeps saying why can't I be married living with a man. My dad just doesn't want me to live by myself. But a girl gotta do what a girl gotta do. I will call to have the lights turned on next week some time. I will also work on getting a security system put in since they told me I can. I am not sure when I will be able to get a phone for the apartment. My money will be a little tight at first because everything is due at one time. My car note, insurance and now rent. I look forward to my own space again. But I must admit, I went through an anxiety moment because of another bill I have to look forward to. Everything entered my mind like what if I lose my job. Finally I told myself, then I'll move out. I am told there is new carpet in the unit. I will have to learn how to work the fireplace. I would hate to burn down the complex my first week in there.
All last week, I fussed with both defense counsel and the judge. Thursday must have been the worst day of all. Other people in the courtroom found it entertaining. The comments I received was, "You used to be quiet. Now we can tell you have been with the office for a while because you have gotten fiesty. We like that." Needless to say, next year is busy already. January is horrible. But I will try not to think about that right now. I have three weeks and hopefully I can relax.
Last week was also filled with Christmas parties that I attended. Our party was off the chain. I got to give it to old Eddie. He threw a good party. I drank so much it was a good thing my car was in the shop. I followed the crowd to Ike Spears party that was extremely packed. In my sober state, I did not want to go to the party because I knew I would see someone there. But due to my drinking and following everyone, I totally forgot. As soon as I stepped in the door I heard my name. Yes it was him. I looked and he walked over and hugged me. He said something to me but I wasn't really trying to hear him. I walked off my crew headed for the bar. He walked past me, looking at me. I ignored him. He then came up behind me, said something in my ear, I ignored him of course. Way across the room I would look up inadvertly to see who was at the party and I caught him watching me. A co-worker of mine asked me who is the man that keeps looking at you. I asked her who was she talking about. She told me when to look after he turned his head so that we wouldn't be obvious. I told her my ex. She said so that's why he keeps staring at you. I really had nothing to say to him. Not that I am angry or upset with him, but I just feel like we really have nothing to talk about. For some reason I feel like he is a complete stranger to me and I didn't have that desire to talk to him. I used to like his company because he made me smile and laugh. But now I view him as the joke. I watched how he would laugh out loud or talk out loud while he was with his friends that night, but all I saw was someone who wanted my attention and just doesn't now how to get it anymore.
Court was not bad today nor was it good. I had to try a stupid case about two eggs. I hated to even try it. I could see if the screener had accepted it as a misdemeanor but he accepted it as a felony. The only good thing is that it was a judge trial and not a jury. I am convinced my judge is crazy and he gives way to much deference to experienced defense lawyers. I am truly tired of that. And then they have the nerve to ask me if I am going to there Christmas Party. FUCK NO!!!! Not after the shit they pulled telling the DA we are never ready for trial when he is to lazy to even sit there and just listen. Me and defense counsel got into it again today. I am just waiting on the day the judge holds me in contempt of court. I really feel that coming soon and very soon.
Five more days in court for the remainder of the year. I can not wait. Although I have a large docket for the next few days, I will try to hang in there. I will reflect on the year and see how I have progressed and what I need to improve. I think for the most part, I have enhanced my legal skills, but there is improvement. I can actually start thinking about Christmas. My Christmas list is getting longer. I will get presents for only two children this year. Not that I usually buy gifts for kids because I don't. That has only changed in recent times. I will get both of my grandmother's a gift. I found out today that my grandmother in Mississippi has osteoporosis. (did I spell that right?) That really bothered me because she drinks milk and still got it. I don't drink milk at all, so now I am really scared. I love my grandmothers dearly and I feel like I am running out of time with them. I guess that is because of my grandfathers passing. But I am trying to make time with them. My mother got upset with me because I am spending Christmas day in Miss. with my grandmother. She told me I should stay here with her. Never mind the fact that I am here every year for Christmas. Talk about selfish.
Well, I came down off of my high from yesterday with it being my birthday and all. I had an attempted first degree murder motion today. The defense counsel was good. Though she asked a lot of irrelevant questions and the judge overruled my objections. He overruled about 90% of my objections. This case has me and the police officers puzzled. The victim who is able to talk is not being forthcoming about the chain of events that occured the night of the shooting. Why would your friend of so many years (practically all of your life) just shoot you. She has told the police a different story and she has told me a different story. I am just waiting until I can get more information before I can approach her with it. My two new juniors are working out well so far. Yesterday I tried a Possession With The Intent To Distribute Marijuana with the junior who has been in there with me the longest out of the two and to my surprise he did really well. He is a lazy guy but when he HAS to perform he will. I think he is getting used to being in trials. I just have to get the other junior there. I explained to them that this is a life and time altering process that takes time getting accustomed to. Lord knows it took me a while. Everyone see a change in me. I am more aggressive in court, I fuss with people now, I don't offer deals and more and more each day, I like what I do. I guess its because I am learning and feel like I am growing in my profession. I still do not have a concrete roadmap past the DA's office. I am not sure where I want to plant my feet. I guess I will just coast for a while and go through the motions. Someone told me the other day I should start looking for something else because this job is taking a toll on me and I am becoming more distant and less trusting of people. I think he is right for the most part. But that's because my eyes see so much now and I am in a position to help/change. Therefore, I am skeptical of people and what they are capable of. Yeah its a problem for me socially, but that's just what I do I suppose.
Today I turned 31 and I must admit I truly had a happy birthday. My close friend and investigator bought me a cake. My other co-workers signed a big poster board wishing me a happy birthday, my phone blew up all morning, noon and night. I really felt special on my day. Oddly enough, I usually don't tell people about my birthday, but this year it was different. More people than I expected remember and knew without me telling. I have to go and return phone calls. I must admit I had a happy birthday.
This past weekend was a fun and learning experience. Starting Friday night, I started drinking and playing pool which extended to Sunday. I drank the entire weekend for my pre-birthday celebration. Next weekend I will continue as we are celebrating Sabrina's birthday. I had fun and I relaxed. Strange enough, I wanted to have fun more than I wanted to have sex. But I truly enjoyed my weekend. Last night, I spoke with a friend of mine and I was telling him how I was having a problem changing certain things about me because I could not get to the root of the problem. After our in depth conversation, he told me that I should sit down and talk to my dad. I said why. He said because your dad will be able to help you with the problems you are experiencing particularly when it comes to relationships. I got so mad at that thought that I frowned up and got extremely quiet. He looked at me and kept asking what was wrong. I was so mad I almost cried but I caught myself. He asked me if I talked to my dad and I told him no because me and my dad have never had those father/daughter conversations. He said dad is the "protector" and he can best tell you about men. And an epiphany was realized. I have never felt as though my dad was my "protector" simply because of our relationship and subconciously, I have always felt as though I did not need his protection. So the next question I asked myself was why. Why do I feel that way about a man who has been there all of my life. And immediately thoughts of my childhood came to my mind which answered all of my questions. Example: Anybody that knows me and my sister knows that my mother was very strict and she would lose her temper and beat my sister and I for the smallest things. Needless to say as a child I was very scared and whenever my mother would snap I would look to my father for protection. One incident in particular stands out in my mind. I can't remember how old I was but I was in elementary school and one day I was by my grandmother house and she had bunk beds in one of the rooms. Well, my hair was snagged when I made an attempt to sit down. I thought nothing of it, but when my mother saw me she immediately thought someone had been playing in my hair and got so upset that she started beating me and then she threw me on the floor and started choking me. As a child I couldn't believe this was going on but all the while she was choking me, my attention was diverted to my dad who was standing right over me to my right looking down at me while I was screaming and pleading to him for help and he just watched. So for the most part whenever my mother would flip out, I knew I couldn't look for him to protect me because he wouldn't do anything to stop my mother. That is just one of many instances and a lot of things in my childhood I really can't remember but my sister can. But from that conversation I realize that I view men as people who will never be there to protect me from anything and as a result, I don't take them seriously. So I now see where my mom and dad play a huge part in my life and my views. I really do love my parents and I don't hate them in any way because they have been good parents to me despite their mistakes. I just need to figure out how to deprogram my mind and move on. I haven't talked to my sister about this but I am interested in her opinion. She is a daddy's girl, I am not. My mother told me the other day we have treated my dad better than we treat her or we like him more. I told her that was a lie and I am not partial to either of them. She gave me this look but what I said just slipped out without me even thinking about it. I really want to get my best friend opinion because there is so much that I want to talk about with her regarding this.
