Father Figure

This past weekend was a fun and learning experience. Starting Friday night, I started drinking and playing pool which extended to Sunday. I drank the entire weekend for my pre-birthday celebration. Next weekend I will continue as we are celebrating Sabrina's birthday. I had fun and I relaxed. Strange enough, I wanted to have fun more than I wanted to have sex. But I truly enjoyed my weekend. Last night, I spoke with a friend of mine and I was telling him how I was having a problem changing certain things about me because I could not get to the root of the problem. After our in depth conversation, he told me that I should sit down and talk to my dad. I said why. He said because your dad will be able to help you with the problems you are experiencing particularly when it comes to relationships. I got so mad at that thought that I frowned up and got extremely quiet. He looked at me and kept asking what was wrong. I was so mad I almost cried but I caught myself. He asked me if I talked to my dad and I told him no because me and my dad have never had those father/daughter conversations. He said dad is the "protector" and he can best tell you about men. And an epiphany was realized. I have never felt as though my dad was my "protector" simply because of our relationship and subconciously, I have always felt as though I did not need his protection. So the next question I asked myself was why. Why do I feel that way about a man who has been there all of my life. And immediately thoughts of my childhood came to my mind which answered all of my questions. Example: Anybody that knows me and my sister knows that my mother was very strict and she would lose her temper and beat my sister and I for the smallest things. Needless to say as a child I was very scared and whenever my mother would snap I would look to my father for protection. One incident in particular stands out in my mind. I can't remember how old I was but I was in elementary school and one day I was by my grandmother house and she had bunk beds in one of the rooms. Well, my hair was snagged when I made an attempt to sit down. I thought nothing of it, but when my mother saw me she immediately thought someone had been playing in my hair and got so upset that she started beating me and then she threw me on the floor and started choking me. As a child I couldn't believe this was going on but all the while she was choking me, my attention was diverted to my dad who was standing right over me to my right looking down at me while I was screaming and pleading to him for help and he just watched. So for the most part whenever my mother would flip out, I knew I couldn't look for him to protect me because he wouldn't do anything to stop my mother. That is just one of many instances and a lot of things in my childhood I really can't remember but my sister can. But from that conversation I realize that I view men as people who will never be there to protect me from anything and as a result, I don't take them seriously. So I now see where my mom and dad play a huge part in my life and my views. I really do love my parents and I don't hate them in any way because they have been good parents to me despite their mistakes. I just need to figure out how to deprogram my mind and move on. I haven't talked to my sister about this but I am interested in her opinion. She is a daddy's girl, I am not. My mother told me the other day we have treated my dad better than we treat her or we like him more. I told her that was a lie and I am not partial to either of them. She gave me this look but what I said just slipped out without me even thinking about it. I really want to get my best friend opinion because there is so much that I want to talk about with her regarding this.