I Don't Know What It Is

What I do know is that I am confused about someone in particular. Last week, my friend from Brooklyn informed me that he wanted to come to New Orleans to see me for Christmas. I was kind of shocked because I figured he would be spending it with his girlfriend. I asked him what his plans were after I told him mine and he told me that he didn't have any plans. I asked him if he was going to see his girlfriend and he said no. Well yesterday he informed me that he and her not only no longer lived together, but were no longer dating. In addition to that, he also informed me that she gave him back the engagement ring. I paused at first because that wasn't something he informed of. I waited to see if he would tell me why he never told me he was engaged and when the explanation didn't come, I asked him. He told me that he didn't tell me because he knew the relationship was going south before he met me. That still didn't sit well with me. Because of the distance between us and the likelihood that nothing will seriously materialize between us, I let it go. But still I think that says something about him. I told my best friend about it and she said even if it was innocent, he sounds like rebound material. He proceeded to ask me if we could see each other at the end of January or early February. I told him I would check my calendar and get back with him. The first thing that came to my mind was my friend in Minnesota. He told me that he would possibly be in New Orleans at the end of January or early February if he could make the trip. I certainly don't want to miss seeing him should he come into town. To hear me say that really shocked my best friend. I can't really explain why I am considering my friend in Minnesota. I know that I don't need to be in a relationship now because there is so much about myself that I need to focus on. But at the same expense, I don't want to do anything to possibly jeopardize the outcome of what I think could someday materialize. I wish I could explain my feelings for him, but for some reason I can not put it in words. Maybe someday it will all come full sircle and make sense. As for Brooklyn, maybe that will fizzle out without any effort on my part.

How Much Do I Need To Take!!!

Yesterday I went to the doctor because I wasn't feeling any better. The doctor told me that I have a respiratory infection. She prescribed Allegra D and Amoxicilan. After that appointment, I had to visit the psychiatrist. I explained to her that the three pills a day of the Wellbutrin was affecting me so bad that I could not control my nerves. First she told me to take at least two pills and then work my way back up to three. I didn't want to do that because I was extremely scared of the side effects. So instead she wants to keep me on the Wellbutrin and she prescribed a new antidepressant called Cymbalta. So now I am on two antidepressants because she said I didn't look happy and that during the time I was taking the Wellbutrin, I should have experienced a better mood swing but I didn't didn't. I don't know what to do. I am scheduled to see her on January 18. I am seriously contemplating not going back after that. I don't want to take all of this medicine. After reading about all of the possible side effects, it just makes me nervous about all of it. There is a side of me that wants to take this stuff just for the sake of saying I tried and maybe that way, she will stop prescribing all of this stuff. I just want to feel normal again.

Feeling Better Today

I decided not to go to work this morning. I figured I needed to rest before I actually go around people. I did however go to my weekly sessions. We talked some more about what happened to me. I even talked about my friend who is states away from me right now. She agreed with me when she said that it is probably a good thing that he and I are apart right now. I guess there are some things that I have to be sure of before I jump feet first into anything with him right now. I walked away with a good sense of understanding things. We talked about blame today. I am still in a phase where I am blaming myself for placing myself in that situation. Don't get me wrong, I think he has blame in this as well. I guess hindsight is always 20/20. I still wish I hadn't anwered the phone that night. But I also wish that he would have been more of a friend rather than the monster I saw that night. Everytime I think about it I go into shock because I thought this was someone that I knew; someone that I trusted. My counselor says that this experience will teach me to set boundaries. My only fear is that I might set boundaries so far away from me that I don't allow anyone new to come into my life. I guess that is why I didn't want to rush into anything with my friend who left the state. I just want to make sure that if I like him, then it is for the right reasons. I have always thought that overall he is a good guy, but he like myself have our opinions about relationships/marriage. I won't see my counselor for about two weeks due to the holidays. I will see the psychiatrist this coming Wednesday. I will explain to her the side effects of the Wellbutrin that I was experiencing. Maybe she will just allow me to reduce the dosage. I spent enought money on this medicine so I would like to give it another try. Well I am going to eat something so that I can take some more medicine. Will chat later....

It Has Gotten Worst

Well I just had to go to Alabama this weekend. Thursday I woke up feeling a little bad. Friday I was a little better, but I should have followed my first mind and stayed home this weekend. I didn't want to upset my cousin because she was expecting me. I arrived Friday night and Saturday morning I was okay. Not one hundred percent though. This morning I woke up and it was downhill from there. I just made it back home and I ate some soup and drank juice with some medicine. I am about to go to sleep and try to get ready for tomorrow. I will chat later....

Not Feeling So Good Today

This morning when I woke up, my throat felt a little funny. I didn't think much of it and just prepared for work. After I got to work, I began to feel more of a scratchy feeling in my throat. I stayed at work for a little while longer and at about noon, I went home. I stopped at the store and purchased a few items like juice, medicine, and soup. I have to medicate myself because I don't want to be sick. I spoke to my friend in Minnesota last night. We talked for a good while. I think we communicate better since we have been apart. Before the storm, whenever we talked on the phone it wouldn't be for long because it was as if we were looking for something to say to each other. Now that we are states apart, talking to him is easier. I think I open up more to him now than what I did before. I don't know what is prompting the change in me, but I am comfortable with it. I hope he does fine where he is. As for me, I am still not sure what it is that I want to do. I am going back and forth with looking for another job in another state, or whether I should just stay put and be a part of revamping our criminal justice system. It will never be what it was; which isn't necessarily a bad thing. I would hope that with a new system there will be increased funding that will pave the way for me repaying student loans and possibly looking into becoming a homeowner. Maybe things will be on the up and up. I am looking forward to 2006. I want it to be brought in with good thoughts and good feelings. I want to be around the people I love most and become a better person not only to others, but most importantly to myself. I have to learn how to take care of me. Maybe that will be my slogan for '06. Watcha think?

Nothing To Do Tonight

I'm bored. Its been a while since I have visited my blog. I have been sleeping a lot lately. Monday night I came home and got in the bed at 7:30 pm. I woke up at 8:00 the following morning. Either I am that tired or lazy. You guys pick. Its raining tonight and the lightening is getting to me. Aside from that remember the guy I met who is from Brooklyn. Well he has started calling again. We email each other often, but the phone calls had slacked because it was easier to email. At least in my opinion it was easier to email. He mentioned that he wants to see me. I want to see him too, but I guess I am being cautious. He asked if he could come here or if I would prefer to come see him. He offered to take care of the accomodations. The only problem is that he is dating someone. He constantly tells me how he and her no longer have anything in common, but isn't that what they all say. Why shouldn't I proceed with caution? I am attracted to him which is all the more reason for me to be careful. Granted I don't know what type of relationship he and her have, but I certainly don't want to become "the other woman." He asked if we could take things slow and see where this road takes us. I said sure but I want him to keep in mind that I am looking at the reality of things and because he has someone, I am not going to put much stock into it. In addition to that, we are miles apart. I won't shut the door completely, but I won't leave it wide open to allow heartache to come in and make a nesting place in my heart either.

Good News Bad News

The good news is I enjoyed my birthday. My co-workers gave me a surprise birthday party and a $175.00 gift certificate to Tower Records. I was truly caught off guard and that certainly made my day. Bec I have to say that you truly have a way with words that enables a person to see things clearly. Trucker I appreciate the support and encouragement that everything will be okay. Thank you to both of you.

However, the day took a turn for the worst. The wellbutrin that I started taking this past Monday began to kick while I was at work. I was sitting down reading a file when my hands began to shake uncontrolably. My speech was affected as well because I would stutter trying to finish sentences but my nerves were preventing that. I became upset at that point and had to force myself to not cry about it. I called my cousin, who is a nurse, and she told me that feeling that way is a side effect. This lasted practically for the remainder of the day. I was also upset because if my doctor decides to take me off of the medicine should the symptoms not go away, then I will have wasted $115.00. So, I got past that and went home and my dad treated me to dinner. As we were leaving the restaurant around nine o'clock a good friend of mine called. The person whom I play pool with. She was in a car accident and her car was totaled. She only complained of neck pains and she too could not stop shaking. I stayed with her at the hospital until three o'clock in the morning when she was released and I had to find an all night pharmacy to get her prescriptions filled for her because when the medicine the doctor gave her wears off, she will feel the pain and I didn't want her to be in pain while she waits for someone to go get her prescription filled. I made it home at five o'clock and I slept for a few hours. I have decided to go to work. I took the medicine this morning and I am feeling the same effects along with some additional side effects. I started to cry again because it seems like nothing is working and if anything, the medicine is causing me to think about the rape more often. If I stay at home, I will be depressed and I don't want to cry again. I will continue to take medicine to see if things change for the better. If things do not change, then it will prove to be time and money wasted.

Not The Right Move

Yesterday I went to the Taekwondo class and thought it was overall beneficial. It certainly is a self defense course and it teaches/reinforces discipline. Prior to class beginning, I asked the instructor if the course teaches how to execute moves to prevent an attack. He said that the course goes through defense tactics. So I watched the class in its entirety, but I felt intimidated. During the segment of self defense moves, there was a scenario if someone was attacked by a knife, gun, cane, stick, or just simply attacked from behind. All of which are important to know. But my mind was looking for a defense move to get someone off of me who is trying to rape me, and I didn't see a defense mechanism for that. In that moment I became intimidated all over again. I felt weak and powerless. Then my mind kept replaying the incident in my head and I couldn't get it out of my mind. I didn't sleep last night. I cried for a while and tried to forget, but the anxiety had already settled within me. I will continue to think about the self defense course because I know it is also a way to strengthen a person not only physically but mentally. For now, I think I will go back to the piano lessons. Music has always comforted me.

But on a brighter note. Today is my day. I am officially 32 and I am looking forward to celebrating/recognizing my day. I don't know how I will do that however. Last year I was in a trial that took all day. But so many people came by court or called me to wish me a happy birthday. My co-workers also had a cake for me and a big card that everyone signed. It really made my day. This year I know will be different because everyone has so much on their plates, but that didn't stop me from telling everyone about the most important day of THEIR life; my birthday. Cheers everyone!!!!!

Self Defense

I have decided that I want to learn how to defend myself should someone try to subdue me again. I am thinking about Tae Kwon Do. (did I spell that right?) Anyway you get the point. It was either that or karate. I am told karate is more aggressive and Tae is more self defense and teaches inner peace; which is something I would like to achieve. I go to the gym every now and then but it doesn't teach self defense. My dad told me to get a gun, but I would prefer not to shoot anyone and then have to explain to 12 people in a box that it was self defense. I found a course out here in Metairie and I was invited to stop by and check things out. If I sign up for a year, then I will pay $49.00 a month. I guess that is a good rate. I know these classes can be expensive. I think the adult class meets one night out of the week. I think I can commit to that. I will find out more about it when I go there today. It was said to me once before that women only join those classes when something either happens to them or to someone close to them. I guess that person was right after all.

Now It All Makes Sense

Here goes. On December 7th, I will be 32. That is this coming Wednesday. Waaaayyyyy back in June or July, I told myself that I will not be depressed on my birthday and that I will enjoy it no matter what. So far I have stayed true to that mental note. Despite a rape and a hurricane, I am still looking forward to my birthday. In the past, I have not been so happy on my birthday's and I think it started somewhere after I turned 25. You see; after 25 people in the African American culture expect you to either be married, have a child (or children), or they expect you to have both. Well I was raised to stay more focused on my career as well as my mother telling me ever since I was maybe seven or eight years old that the only thing I need a man for is "a good fuck." Today at 31 I of course have my career and I have never been in a meaningful relationship because 99% percent of the men that I have dealt with were on a sexual basis. I only dated one guy and that was for only six months. (That was back in1996 so in 2006 that will mark a ten year single status but who's counting) Everybody else meant nothing to me and either I wasn't bothered with them or I had sex with them. In recent years, I have been criticized by other family members with them saying I am too selfish, I don't know how to treat a man, I don't know how to be honest with men, I am not motherlike, I don't like children, or they question whether I am gay. Yesterday when I spoke to my mom, some of her relatives kept asking her if I was dating anybody or if I have an interest in anybody, and my mom said that I used to date someone and she isn't sure if there is anybody else. I asked her why did they want to know and she said they asked because my birthday is coming up and I will be 32 without being involved with anybody and they asked because I looked sad for Thanksgiving and I didn't talk to anybody and I picked over my food. I recently lost all of my belongings to a hurricane how else am I supposed to look or act. Forgive me if I am not cheerful, but I have more on my mind than they can possibly fathom. I finally see that my family is the reason why I am depressed about my birthday. They have placed so much on my shoulders that I, in the past, have maitained or try to maintain what they think I should be. I do not hate children, I am not motherly probably because I don't have any kids, and I am not gay. I will get married when I am ready to do so mentally just as soon as I can erase my mind of what I have been taught about men. Can someone say get off my back?

Winter Cleaning

Today I cleaned my carpet finally. I saw some ants in my carpet today also but I don't know where they are coming from. I found a central location for them and I think they are coming from behind a wall. I will definitely tell management about that. I also cleaned my jewelry today. I was only able to clean the items that were real gold or silver. I have to get another solution for the sterling silver jewelry that I bought and my watches. Tomorrow I will continue with my cd's if I don't pick them back up tonight. I am still waiting on FEMA or SBA to decide whether they will give me money for furniture and clothing. Other than that my day was fine and productive. I guess I will cook something tonight. I am limited on cooking utensils. But I should be able to put something together.

Different Sides

I went to bed last night at three o'clock in the morning. Largely because that was the time I made it home after playing pool and drinking. I didn't care that I had to be up at six o'clock to go to work. But what I thought about as I was drifting off to sleep was that there are different sides of my personality that wants to be in charge. Not that I am crazy and need to institutionalized, but I feel like I am being pulled in so many directions. The one side that keeps dictating what I do is the side that wants to drink more. I have always supressed that person because I know what she is capable of and I don't want to be that person again, but at the same expense I know I shouldn't be drinking because I have to take that medicine. But I want to drink because it helps me not think about what is troubling me. Another side wants to be compassionate. Another side wants to say to hell with everybody and think about yourself. Another side wants to be involved with someone and another part wants to be alone. It is the most confusing thing to me because I don't know who to be. I want to be the best lawyer in the world and another side of me hates practicing law. I don't know if its because I have been told all my life what I need to do. And to some degree, I think I am at a crossroad because I want to be one way but I am scared of what others may say or think. I feel like I am not living my life in a way that will make me happy. But what is happiness really. Many people spend their entire lives trying to find what makes them happy. I don't know what to think. Maybe I am making something out of nothing.

Today's News

I didn't do much today outside of work. I was supposed to go and play pool tonight but I didn't go. I have plans to play on Friday night though. Not that I am a pool shark but I think I can hold my own. I love to play pool. It relaxes me and I think it is somewhat theraputic. I have been thinking that I will start taking music lessons. More specifically piano lessons. I want to get involved in something that I love and I honestly don't think it is practicing law. Don't get me wrong. I know I worked hard for my degree and I put a lot of money into it, but I don't think I love it. I know I love music. Speaking of music. I started cleaning my cd's that I removed from my old apartment. Some of them play well, others don't. The ones that are damaged, I will replace first. After that then I will replace the others. I just have to have my cd's in the case that they came in. Talk about OCD. Will chat soon....

Progress?

Today my counselor told me that she thought I made progress since I have been meeting with her. I disagreed of course. She said the progress is I know why I am feeling the way I feel and that I am able to go directly to what causes me to think the way I think or react to things the way I do. I have always known what my problems were or are, I just need to know how to change them. I have never been more confused in my life. All this time, I have been raised to get a career and not rely on a man for anything and now that I have the career, I don't know what to achieve next. A part of me has always wanted to be in a relationship but I am no good at them. Largely because of how my mother raised me. I guess I am no good with interacting on that level. Now being faced with trying to get over this traumatic experience, it is even harder to interact with men. I am so confused I don't know what to do nor do I know what to think. I purchased the Wellbutrin despite the price. I haven't started taking it though. I have been on this drinking kick. I guess because it helps me forget about things and relax more. I know that isn't good. Not to mention I have been down that road before and I have tried hard not to go through that door again, but in recent times it has been hard. I think I am taking some steps backwards not forward. February 13th will be around again and not much will have changed. I am told I should not put things on a time table because healing takes time, but I am accustomed to dealing with the problem or not dealing with it and moving on. I will get it together. I just need to figure out how. Take care all...

The Day After

Today was good. I went shopping and didn't buy anything. I may go back tomorrow to get something but who knows. I spent the day with my best friend and I laughed with my friend. That really felt good. She is the only one I can talk to about anything and feel comfortable. But anywho, bec email me at lawyers_dimples@yahoo.com. Do you have instant messaging on yahoo. If not download it and we can chat more often. Tell trucker about it also. I would like to speak to you guys regularly. Till then...

Have A Good One

Yesterday I went by my relatives in Slidell, LA. I mainly went because my dad wanted to see his mother and sister whom he has not seen since the storm. Needless to say he cried when he got there and he cried when he left. I was happy to see them. Now this morning I have to drive back to Mississippi to be with my mother side of the family. I am telling myself to take it one hour at a time because overall I do not feel like driving. It is relatively warm here in Kenner. I was hoping it would be cold outside so that it would feel like Thanksgiving. Maybe the temps will be different in Mississippi. I want to wish trucker and bec a Happy Thanksgiving!!!! Eat as much as you can and enjoy the day. Will write soon....

A Little Of Me

Just thought I'd share.....


Love is the equivalent of pain
Some paths that we take
May create internal shame
But through it all
Barriers diminish
Strength is replenished
With life continuing
Teaching its lessons
And He asks me
What have you learned?
To which I will reply
Life.

Back At Work

Today was not bad. I tried to get as many files together as I could. I saw my co-workers and it was great being around them. Eventhough my day started out bad. Nissan gave me a two month hurricane relief grace period. So today when I attempted to resume payments, I was informed that I was put into collections. Throughout it all, Nissan recognized that it was their fault and apologized. Well that was all fine and dandy; however, this went to the credit agencies. Nissan stated that they would send a letter to the credit agencies and send me a copy of the letter reflecting their mistake. That annoyed me. I also had another problem with a Visa account of mine which I have not stopped paying despite the hurricane. I tried to use my card yesterday and it was declined. I called today to find out why and the representative said it was because my billing statements were coming back to them and they did not have an updated address. Despite my paying them, they still discontinued my services. Now when I moved into my new home, the first thing I did was call all of my creditors and give them my new address so that the billing statements could come to me. I asked him what address he had on the account and guess which one he recited. YES MY CURRENT MAILING ADDRESS!!!!!!!! He apologized for the oversight and continued my services. In addition to that, I had to fight with a hospital staff today because their representatives neglected to give me sufficient notice that if I miss my appointment, then I would be fully responsible for paying the bill. Well, the appointment was made Nov. 16. The appointment was for Nov. 17. I did not go to the appointment because I discovered my doctor who I originally saw was seeing her patients and so I did not have to pay the additional money to see a new doctor. My original doctor scheduled our appointment for Nov. 18 and I didn't think twice about the other hospital. I received written notice on Nov. 19 indicating that I had 24 hours to cancel my appointment with the other hospital or I will be fully responsible for the bill. I called the doctor's office and explained to the lady that I did not have 24 hours to do anything because the appointment was scheduled the following day it was made. Second, after speaking with three representatives in that office, none of those ladies informed me of the office policy and third, I received written notice of the policy two days after the scheduled appointment. In the legal world there is a pesky little thing called sufficient notice be it verbal or written. I had to leave a message for the department manager. I told her I should not be made to pay a bill having no sufficient notice of their department policies in order to make informed decisions. This is one I intend to fight. They might as well put me in touch with their lawyer right now. Other than that, I saw my therapist today and expressed my anger so much that she was pleased and I walked away happy. My day was good after all....

Memories

The good news is I was able to get my jewelry and my credit cards out of my old apartment. I will take my jewelry somewhere to see if I can get it cleaned or if there is a solution I can buy to try and restore it. I was able to get about three boxes of my belongings that were tucked away in the top of my closet in the living room. Everything else was damaged beyond repair or restoration. I assisted my dad in removing everything from inside of his home today also. There were a few items that were salvageable, but to remove all of your items and just place them on the sidewalk in order for the cleanup crew to come and get it was hard to swallow. The memories came back. High school, college, everything. Every award that I accomplished was gone. Every report card that my mother kept from elementary school was destroyed. Every picture of my youth was washed away by the horrible structure of a levee that we all depended on. Rumors have flown about whether the levee breached, was blown or was simply just too weak to support the storm that didn't even hit us. I don't know what to think. The only thing I want to do is hit rewind and grab more things. I know that mentally I have to heal myself, but it is so hard to say goodbye to all of those things that I once could place my hands on.

My Apologies

First I want to apologize because I feel like I am interfering with other people lives. I know everyone has a lot going on and to read my personal problems may not be the relief that other people need. I do appreciate the concern that I have read in the comments posted, but I feel like I am being unfair to my blog friends. I will however take into consideration everything that was said. I must admit I was close to giving up on therapy. I went to the pharmacist today and discovered the Wellbutrin will cost me $115.00. It is not covered under my insurance policy so I will have to pay the cost. At that point, I thought all of it was useless. So for a brief moment I decided to end my therapy sessions. My best friend called me and I explained to her everything and she told me not stop going to my sessions. She understood that the amount of the drugs are expesive but at the same expense I should not look at it as an expensive item, but rather as an investiment in my happiness. An investiment in myself. She is right. I really do love her. She is like a sister to me. She knows everything about me and has an uncanning ability to put things into perspective for me. She has been my voice of logic throughout all of this. There isn't anything that I would not do for her. I must say that it feels great to know that there are people in this world whom I have never met that has expressed so much concern for my well being. I truly hate that I had to post all of this and drag you guys along on this roller coaster. But in sum I have to say thank you and I wish I could say and do more. But again thank you. I should be fine. I guess I just have to stay strong in whatever facet I can. No one said this would be easy. But this is the route that I have decided to take. I decided to come back to New Orleans for the purpose of dealing with this and not running away from this as I have done with other problems in the past. Till then....

More Medicine

I visited the psychiatrist whom I saw prior to Hurricane Katrina. At my first visit, she prescribed zoloft for depression and ambien to help me sleep. I had only taken the zoloft for a week and would have finished the prescription but the storm threw me off guard and I only packed enough medicine for the weekend. So I stopped taking the zoloft. I also tried the ambien but it did not help at all. That was like swallowing a tic tac. Well today the doctor prescribed something different. She wrote a prescription for wellbutrin for the depression and restoril for a sleep aid. I am not thrilled about taking all of this medicine. My first impulse is to not take it at all. The doctor and my counselor are of the opinion that in order to get better I have to take something to help me focus. I disagree with that. Perhaps I am being stubborn and everyone who knows me well knows that I hate taking medicine of any form. When I read the side effects of the wellbutrin, that in and of itself turned me off. I don't know what to do right now. All I know is today I don't want to see the psychiatrist anymore because she keeps giving me drugs with dangerous side effects and I don't like the idea of being or feeling like I am crazy. I hate the idea of having to use drugs just to be happy when happiness seems like such a simple thing in life to achieve considering its free. I hate the fact that I have to pay out of pocket for this shit because my insurance coverage has an outlandish deductible and co-payment for mental health related issues. And I hate the fact that I have to go through this shit because that bastard was so self serving and decided to take something that he had no right to. I wouldn't be going through any of this had I just not picked up the goddamn phone that night and all I want to do is make this shit go away

Not Much Accomplished Today

I didn't do much today. The only thing I did was stay in my bed with the blinds closed. Physically I know that is not healthy but for some reason I am scared to venture outside of my door. I would hate to think that I am slowly becoming an introvert. The other side of the coin would be that this behavior is a sign of depression. I was this way pre-Katrina for reasons already stated. I was just hoping that being in this new apartment would make me want to go out more. The good news is on Monday, I will be at work in a temporary location for our office. This way, I can begin going through my files and determine what I can prosecute in the meantime. I know everyday won't be good days, but these are the days that I truly hate.

My Feelings

Well today I spoke with my counselor about what I had been feeling recently. I don't like having this feeling but she said it is perfectly normal. The first time I felt this way was when I was living with my sister and her husband in Jackson. I felt a little uncomfortable around my brother in law largely because of what I have experienced. I know my sisters' husband would never do anything to hurt me but I felt apprehensive. Now that my dad is living with me until he can get situated I feel uncomfortable living with him also. My dad has never said or did anything to make me feel uncomfortable, and for that reason I hate this feeling. My counselor explained why it is perfectly normal for me to feel the way I do. She also seems to think that maybe I should live by myself until I am more comfortable around men. I don't know how to deal with the situation. I keep telling myself that it is my dad and he would never hurt me. Maybe it will subside and I can feel like a normal person around my dad. He will be in Houston for a couple of days so I will have some time to myself to think about everything. Another insecurity I have is a fear of the water here. Last night it rained and I was so much on edge that it was ridiculous. Because my apartment is on the third level, I was concerned about the roof blowing off and then all of the water would get in and the mold would eventually start climbing the walls and so on, and so on. Sounds like I need therapy huh? I will see her again on Monday at two. We will discuss working on my anger or at least learning how to express my anger. Till then....

Somewhat Settled

Well today I have finally obtained internet services. For the time being, I have basic necessities. I have been able to put food and other household items in my place and I have a blowup matress to sleep on. So its not bad for a new beginning. I moved in on Friday. Saturday morning, a FEMA representative called me and asked me if I could meet her at my old apartment on Sunday. I met her and when she arrived, she had on a cute outfit. Pretty tennis shoes, arms out, stomach out, no boots, no mask, no gloves, no goggles, nothing. The least I could do was offer her a mask. She took one look inside of my place and said, "I'm not going in there!" The smell alone was too much for her. I had to laugh because she had no idea what she was getting into. She said I should hear something from FEMA within seven to ten working days. I am hoping they will give me some money to replace my clothes and furniture. I understand they can not replace all of the other itmes that meant the world to me like my six hundred cd collection. I will just have to work hard in replacing as much as I can on my own. But believe me, I am not complaining. I am willing to take it as a loss and get the assistance that they can give me right now. I hope all is beginning to fall into place for others. Everyone is deserving of it. I have a meeting with my counselor tomorrow. There is something I want to discuss with her. I feel somewhat embarrassed about it. I will discuss it on the next post. Till then....

Going Home Today

I am on my way back to New Orleans, well Kenner anyway. But for now it is home. It will be a few days before I have internet access though. I have to get my phone and everything connected. Hopefully I can accomplish this sometime next week. I won't write much but I want to tell my friends in blog world that I will be back in about a week. As soon as I am connected, I will drop in and say hi. Till then....

Taking Care Of Self

I have been reading about the forums in New Orleans to let people know the status of the city. Well needless to say, no one is happy. I am told that so many people are lashing out at the mayor of the city. I would hate to be in his shoes right now. Truth be told, what can he do right now. In my opinion, this is truly a situation where you have to take care of yourself. From calling FEMA, your insurance company, whoever you contract with to repair or reconstruct your home, this is truly the time to take care of yourself. Unfortunately, an entire portion of the city is inhabitable. I do not expect the mayor or any other politician to know how to fix the problem because they inherited the city just like we did. None of us built it from the ground up. At best, I would think that government officials can contract with companies to do things such as leveling the ground, proper electrical lines, proper sewage lines and so forth. Clearly the government is responsible for making sure the citizens can rebuild on their property. We all just have to be more patient someway, somehow. Sure that is easier said than done, and no one wants to be homeless, however, none of us have experienced this before. I am not saying that there isn't any negligence on anybody's part. I am still looking into levee breach negligence. But the part of the city that was badly damaged was not caused by a levee breach, but by the storm itself. And in that part of the city is where all of the complaints are coming from. I don't know what to do and I am sure the mayor doesn't either. We all need not only answers but help. And that includes the mayor. I wish all of this could repair itself overnight, but the harsh reality is that it can't. I would like to see exactly how much progress, if any, has been made. Perhaps at these forums a timeline should be presented to indicate where the city was and where the city is now. Seeing is believing. And I have worked with enough people to know that you have to give a status report every so often to keep people spirits up. Perhaps they have done that. I keep missing the meetings because I am in another state, but when I move to Kenner, I will be there to learn, listen and maybe even give some input. Who knows, this could be the beginning stages of the political career that I have been thinking about.

Something Different

Today was a good day for me. I did some shopping with my mother and I was able to relax a bit. But I will not write about my day today. I want to do something on my blog that I typically do not do. I am going to post a portion of one of my poems. I love to write poetry and I love music. I figured I'd share a little more about myself other than what I have been sharing. This portion is taken from a poem titled In Another Life. I wrote this back in September of 2000. Happy reading.... (And I have a copyright for any newcomers with any ideas)

Maybe later
Or maybe not
I still hold on
To that which he forgot
And those who know
Knows its true
My life became empty
The day I left you
I hold on to visions
That need’s revisions
So I envision
What is my mission
And my decision
Is to make you mine
If not this one
Then another lifetime
Cause even after this life pass
I can’t let you pass
Me by
Though it takes time
For me to be
The woman you need
Someone who’ll only see
A life with just you and me
Which is my state of confusion
What I am saying is
I don’t know
What makes me happy
Money or family
Money or family
Money or family
And yes I said it three times
Because I need to emphasize
What needs to be balanced
And if by chance
We never again cross paths
Know that I loved you
And my one desire
Is to listen
To the rhythm
Of your heartbeat
That echoes in my soul
And my ears hear
A beautiful felicity
That flows
From the depths of your voice
I have no choice
But to do without
And if you happen to hear
My heart shout
Please respond
With a language
Only I can understand
By saying
Here take my hand
And ask me to be your wife
If not in the here and now
Then maybe
In another life....

Living Today

Today has been somewhat of a good day. I woke up this morning and I was feeling fine. I wasn't worried about anything and I am looking forward to moving. This will be the easiest move in my life. My therapist mentioned yesterday that it was a good thing that I was able to find another place to live considering what happened to me in my old apartment. She added that no one will have to know where I live unless I want them to. I must admit that was a comforting thought. She said that this could be a new beginning for me in ways unimaginable. To an extent, I really don't miss the apartment that I lost. There are a few items that I would love to salvage, but for the most part, that place was filled with so much pain. Even when the sun was shining, it seemed dark in there to me. I don't even miss the furniture I put time and money into purchasing. I feel like so much has been washed away physically, but now I have to work on cleansing things mentally and spiritually. I feel a little better since I told her what happened. She asked me what I was going to do to take care of myself this week. Maybe I will treat myself to something that will make me smile. What that is, I don't know yet. I spoke with my friend in Minnesota last night. He is doing fine and has found a place to rent. I am kind of glad that he is away. This way I won't feel like I am gravitating towards him for all the wrong reasons. The time apart will allow me to focus on me and improve me. Maybe someday I will make time for a relationship, but before I love outward, I have to love within. And that is something I have never been able to do. Maybe I can start trying to achieve that today. Till then.....

Finally

I finally found an apartment. It is in Kenner, Louisiana which is about fifteen minutes away from New Orleans if there is no traffic. I am happy about the location. It is on the third floor so if flooding ever occurs, I should be safe. There is a washer and dryer in the unit, an alarm, beautiful ceilings and ceiling fans. I fell in love with it the minute I saw it. I also saw my counselor today and I talked about the incident. That was the first time that I actually discussed with her what happened. I remember her telling me that I hadn't cried about what happened and I thought today that I would break down and cry but I didn't. I was more angry than anything else. I honestly walked away feeling like I wanted to kill myself. I will schedule another session with her next week. She wants me to go back to the psychiatrist again to get another prescription for zoloft and ambien. I told her that I stopped taking the ambien because it wasn't putting me to sleep and when Hurricane Katrina hit, I just gave up all hope considering I left the medicine in New Orleans. I will try again. Maybe I can get my life straight for the upcoming year and hopefully I can find my happiness within. Pray for me....

My Day

I finally woke up this morning at about 10:30. I got up watched a little television and talked on the phone with a few friends. I really don't have much planned for today. Tomorrow I have to go to New Orleans and continue my search for a place to stay. I may have to look in other parishes which will make my commute about 30 minutes to an hour. I still haven't ruled out Baton Rouge. I will also have to extend my job search. Tomorrow while I am in the city, I will meet with my counselor at about 2:00. My sessions are an hour long. There is so much to tell her and I know I will not be able to get it all in within the hour. I have been asking myself where to start with her. But I figured I will pick up where we left off. I was supposed to meet with her on August 29 which ironically was the day the city flooded. On that day, that was supposed to begin phase 2 of my sessions. Phase two included me opening up about what happened to me that night in my apartment. Our prior sessions included her learning more about my history enabling her to learn more about me, my family and my experiences. There are a lot of other things that she and I will discuss because I have always had committment and trust issues when it came to relationships and men. I guess the incident just pushed me more into a shell. Hopefully everything will go well tomorrow. But I will post and update. Till then...

Update

Hello again. It has been a few days since I have posted. I have been in the hospital with my best friend. Her baby is so cute and adorable. However, she doesn't make me want to rush into motherhood. Seeing the pain my friend is in scares me alone. The idea of having to take care of someone other than myself is scary. In December I will be 32 and my mother constantly asks me when I am going to get married and give her another grandchild. I just tell her I don't know and keep on going. I don't know if I will ever truly change. I have never really been interested in having a child. The only time I entertained it is when I reached 30 and just thought about getting pregnant so that I could lay to rest any speculation people may have. When people see a woman over 30 with a career and no husband or children, they tend to wonder. But I guess I have to ignore all of that and be me each day at a time.

A New Life

Today I went to the hospital to visit my friend. She delivered her new baby girl this morning. I wanted to be there, but my sleep pattern has been off again. I didn't fall asleep until about 4:30 this morning, so by the time her boyfriend called me at 7:30 this morning to deliver the message, I was knocked out. I hate the fact that my sleep pattern has fallen back to its normal wacked out state. But the good news is that the baby is beautiful and healthy. I am not sure who she looks likes. She weighed in at seven pounds nine ounces. I guess that is a nice size for a baby. I will spend the night with my friend in the hospital tonight. I did that for her first delivery. My friend looks like she is doing fine. I am so happy for her. It has made me give thought to a few things. I am even thinking about relocating out of New Orleans. Right now, there just isn't anything there. As bad as I want to stay, I feel like I am fighting a battle that has already been lost. Or maybe I am fighting the wrong battle. I guess I should have made more affirmative steps towards relocation. I spoke with my friend in Minnesota this afternoon. He is going to stay in Minnesota. I guess he had the right idea all along. To get out. I do not think I will leave Louisiana because I am licensed there. So I will probably go back to Baton Rouge if I can find something there. Who knows, maybe I will resume some sense of normalcy there. And once the city gets up and running again, perhaps I can move back with no problems. I guess that is what life is all about. Closing chapters to begin new ones.

Still No Luck

Well I have been to New Orleans countless of times, and I still do not have a place to live. Either I get placed on a long waiting list or the people renting other places will not return my call after they meet me. They meet me and hand me an application, but that is as far as their kindness goes. Even after I tell them that I am an attorney upon their asking me what I do for a living, they still do not offer anything to me. Not to mention they are increasing the rent. It is really starting to arouse my anger. I am putting so many miles on my car it is ridiculous. I am getting so fed up. And to make matters worst, I have to be in court on November 14. I spoke with my friend in Minnesota and he has decided not to go to San Antonio after all. In fact, he is not sure anymore if he will go back to New Orleans. He is headed to San Francisco. Eventhough he does not have a place to live or a job waiting there for him. He will just take his chances. I am getting somewhat tired of everything right now including him. I hope everyone else has had a better weekend and Monday than I did.

Returning

I have been away from my blog for a little while now. Main reason being because I have been without internet access. Yesterday, I went apartment shopping in New Orleans. I came across someone who has some rental property. The cost is $700.00 a month. The place is small, but so cute on the inside. The outside will definitely fool a person. I could really make it cozy in there. I have a few more questions before I make a decision. I tried to post something a couple of days ago at a friends house, but I don't think it worked. The posting thanked truckdriver for his advice, and I also mentioned to bec that I would love to sit down and have coffee with her here in Jackson. If I get the apartment, then I would be living uptown, which would put me closer to my counselor. My friend also decided not to move to San Francisco. Though I believe that is subject to change. He is back and forth about so much. I will continue to look for something else in the city. But as it stands I may have to take the place that I saw. I will have to take the place because my boss called me the other day and informed me that court will resume on November 14th. So I need to be there. Hopefully I will write again soon. Again thank you to my blog buddies. I will be in touch.

Hey Guys

Hello everyone. It has been hard for me to get to my computer. My sister and I just moved into an apartment in Jackson so I do not have internet access yet. Bec, I would love to meet you. Hopefully I will have internet access before Wednesday. If I am not posting it is only because I don't have the internet connection yet. Truckdriver, I will keep in mind your advice. I am not ready to take the chance just yet. My counselor says that that is okay however, but we were supposed to work on that. My next appointment was supposed to have been August 29. But that was the same day the city flooded. I will keep in touch with you all as soon as I can. Take care and thank you....

I Hate This Feeling

Last night I went to bed upset because so many feelings and memories started to resurface. The things that I had once forgotten about began to depress me all over again. As a result, the anguish is now in the forefront of my mind again, and it has already dictated and ruined my day. Last night, all I kept seeing was that same doubt that I had about things before the storm. The worst part is, I am not near my counselor to express what I am going through. I guess I am upset because I didn't have to get to know my friend in Minnesota. His presence made me forget a lot of things. Coupled with the fact that I am not in my apartment anymore. Being there made me relive that incident every night. Now that he has plans to go elsewhere, I do not want to get to know anyone else. I don't want to meet new people. I am back to square one. Stuck in my shell.

Not So Happy Today

I spoke to my friend in Minnesota tonight. He informed me that he plans to move to San Francisco probably sometime next week. I have been to San Fran before. Spent two months there on an intership. I enjoyed every minute of it. There are plenty of job opportunities. More of a faster pace than the south. Besides why shouldn't he go. It doesn't make sense to wait around on a city that will take months if not years to rebuild. He also said that he had to go because he didn't want to live with "what if." I certainly couldn't ask him not to go. I didn't ask him not to go to Minnesota because I figured he had to do what he thought was best for him. In addition to that, I certainly couldn't tell him how I feel. I am sure Minnesota is not as intriguing as San Fran. He could easily fall in love with the city because it has so much personality. He asked my opinion of the city and I gave him all of the highlights. I even expressed how much I loved it and would like to go back. But I don't think I will be making the gesture to fly to San Fran. I think if it has to stop, then I shouldn't chase it. And perhaps that is what I have been doing all along. Chasing a dream.

Familiar Assistance

Today while I was in the middle of surfing the internet for jobs in another state, my therapist from New Orleans called me. I was worried that her home had been damaged and that she may not have decided to go back to the city. She said that she and her family faired out pretty well. She was contacting her clients to see if they were still interested in resuming counseling sessions. I told her that I was interested but right now I am in limbo because of my job and I am in another city/state. Because I felt like I was beginning to have a breakthrough with the counseling, I wanted to go back home for that reason. I must admit I haven't thought much about what happened in February since Hurricane Katrina shook up the gulf coast and New Orleans. As much as I want to forget about it, I know in order for me to actually heal, I have to finish counseling. Once before when I tried to call her office, the voicemail indicated that they were closed due to the storm. At that time I thought that maybe it would be a while before they are able to get back into the city and resume normal operations. Their office is located uptown, so I figured maybe it would not take as long provided their employees were able to live in their homes. Well now she is back and I can not get into the city because I have no place to live and possibly no place to work. I was happy to hear from her. With so much that has been going on, I figured she nor her co-workers may not have time to assist other people. They have to take care of themselves first right? That seems only fair. I guess I will have to wait it out and see. Someone told me to be patient and let "time" take its course. He know who he is and I guess he is right. Everytime I think I need to give up and leave the city, something happens to make me say wait and see because I just might be going back afterall. The guy I like plans to go back, the court system plans to be up and running next month, my family wants to go back, and now my counselor has called. That was good news to me.

Possible Bad News

Last night, a co-worker of mine called me and told me about a meeting our boss had with one of the judges in our courthouse. As it stands now, the courthouse expects to be up and running by next month. Whether our office will be functioning is a different story. We are still struggling for money to pay people. Well my boss asked the judge to consider having only four sections of court running because he only expects to have four prosecutors working(there is a total of 12 sections plus 5 sections of magistrate court). The judge told him he needed to have a prosecutor in all sections of court because all will be functioning. The part about four prosecutors made me think that he is cutting far more than what I anticipated. There is a total of at least 90 prosecutors which indicates how large our dockets once were. But for him to want to reduce it to only four just doesn't seem to be the best thing to me. He would have to have at least one prosecutor in each section of court; not to mention our appeals, juvenile, and screening divisions. All of those divisions needs prosecutors. I guess I am upset because my job is the only thing that I have connecting me to the city. Not to mention, my friend expects to go back there eventually as well. Now I am beginning to think he and I will be separated after all. Everytime I think I am taking a step forward, it always seems to be five steps backwards. I guess I just need to figure what to do next despite what my boss does.

Who Needs Enemies When You Have Family

I recently found out that a cousin of mine who was blessed to still have her home and her job has been less than polite to her mother and our grandmother. Because of the storm, my aunt (my cousins' mother) lost her home. This is the same mother who allowed her daughter and her family full access to her home in the past. This is the same mother who damn near lost her own home in the past trying to help her daughter with her bills and now she is being totally rude to her own mother. Our grandmother also lost her home in the storm as well. Last year on August 22, (my sisters' birhtday) we lost our grandfather. On August 29 of this year, my grandmother lost her home and none of my grandfathers' belongings could be salvaged. To add insult to injury, since my grandmother has been staying with my cousin, my grandmother gave my cousin seven hundred dollars WHICH MY COUSIN TOOK!!! How do you take money from your own grandmother? I wouldn't take seven dollars from my grandmother let alone seven hundred. How do you treat family like they are strangers. I couldn't believe that. When I see my cousin, it will take everything in me to say absolutely nothing.

Great News To Me

I know I posted something earlier, but I just received good news from my friend in Minnesota. He told me he plans go back to San Antonio until it is time to move back to the city. He is going to go back to New Orleans. I was so happy to hear him say that. In addition to that news, he expressed to me how much he missed spending time with me and being with me. He said that he and I will see each other one way or another. I was so happy to hear him say that. I was worried last night that he would decide to stay in Minnesota and forget all about me. I was so worried to the point that I was going to call him and tell him that I had changed my mind about flying there to see him. But that conversation was not necessary tonight. I can't wait to see him!!!!!

Close To Home

Tomorrow I will be in St. Gabriel, Louisiana. That is about forty-five minutes from New Orleans. I will not go to the city tomorrow because I will not be dressed accordingly. Hopefully I will be able to find out if I will have a job past this month. I wish our office would say something to us. I have already applied for a new job in Miami. I have to wait and see if they will extend interviews based upon whether the state of Florida will allow us to practice in Florida until we are able to take the bar examination. I am not sure if I am willing to move to Florida, but the more I think about it, the more I feel it may be time to move on. I keep thinking because I have lost everything else in the city, maybe the job is the next thing that will go. I am trying to brace myself for the worst. I haven't spoken to my friend in Minnesota in a couple of days. I guess I will call him tonight to see how he is doing. My friend from Brooklyn called me Friday and Saturday. He said his job may send him in Louisiana to help one of the correctional facilities. He wants to try and see me. I am trying not to get too close to him considering he is attached. And besides, I do have an interest in someone else who isn't attached. Why should I sell myself short right? Well, I have to go and exercise to clear my mind and think about a few things. Will write soon....

Decisions

What I do know is that I want to see him. I want to hold him, hug him, kiss him, and do the things that we normally do when we are together. I want to see him because I miss him. I am concerned about him and I guess I want to be a comforter to him. But I need to keep in mind that when I take this trip, that I am spending time with a friend. I shouldn't read more into it than what may or may not be there. I should embrace the thought that he wants to see his friend who he hasn't seen in weeks. I shouldn't look at this as his way of opening up and saying that he wants to be in a relationship. I think I should just go there, enjoy his company, enjoy the city, and just relax with him. That is a good idea. Just relaxing and not worry about anything else. I can't force a relationship, but I can live in that moment. That moment of feeling wanted . That moment of him wanting to spend time with me and see me despite what has been going on. That moment of him wanting to be with a friend. That moment of him wanting to be with me and me wanting to be with him. Its in those moments that we find peace. And those very same moments could give birth to more cherised moments if we are both willing. As it stands, I am willing. In this moment I am willing to make arrangements to fly to a city that I have never visited and spend time with my friend.

To My Surprise

Today I decided to call my friend in Minnesota. I was concerned about him because he didn't sound too happy yesterday when I spoke with him. Today he sounded a little better but he admitted to being homesick. He said he would probably stay there for about six months and then come home. I will give him another month to see if he changes his mind because a lot can happen between now and six months. Don't get me wrong, I would like to see him come home, but people lives take certain paths that we as humans don't expect. Life just kind of sneaks up on us without us actually looking for certain things or people. After about thirty minutes into the conversation, I decided to say goodnight to him. Before I said goodnight, he told me that hopefully next week he will have his own apartment and proceeded to say that maybe I can come there sometime next week. Now when I suggested to him that I would fly out to visit him I didn't think he would take me seriously. In fact, I wasn't even going to bring it up again because I didn't want to eat the cost of an airline ticket. After I paused, he stated he would pay half of the ticket. Which I thought was a nice gesture considering he and I are both somewhat in between jobs thanks to Hurricane Katrina. I told him once he gets his place, we will make arrangements then. He said okay then, goodnight sugar and hung up the phone. Now one side of me was saying maybe he really wants to see me and then another side was saying maybe he is just bored and needs company. I want to see him but I am afraid that maybe his desire to see me is not the same as my desire to see him. I am afraid that if I go, I may come back still only a friend. I truly see how now may not be the time to talk about relationships considering everything that is going on in our lives, but there is a part of me that wants more, but I just can't say it for some reason. So much is going through my head. I am too busy thinking that because of what happened in February maybe that is why I am considering all of this. I am also thinking maybe I want a relationship because of my age. But maybe, just maybe, there is a side of me that is yearning to experience something more than just sex or a friendship. Just maybe there is a side of me that wants to see if two people can experience something so meaningful and private that the public sees it without words being spoken. Maybe I want to experience love for a change.

It Wasn't So Bad Afterall

I saw my apartment today for the first time in about six or seven weeks now. Mold was everywhere and so was my furniture. The good news is I was able to get my poetry. The briefcase it was in was molded, but my journals were dry. It has that nasty smell to it, but the pages are dry. I was also able to retrieve four pairs of shoes out of about twenty or thirty pairs. All of my clothes were damaged and I could not find my jewelry because things were everywhere. My cd's were scattered about though there were some that were still in place. Because there was about four feet of water in my apartment, I believe all of my cd's were under water. Overall, I was happy to get my poetry. On a brighter note, my friend from Minnesota called me today. He appears to be settling a bit slowly into his new environment. I told him once he gets his place, I will fly out there and visit him. I have never been to Minnesota so it should be fun. He seemed happy about my gesture and offered to let me stay for as long as I like. I spoke with another friend of mine tonight who lives in DC. She offered to let me stay at her place while I look for a job in that area. I am interested in moving to DC. There is so much history and I enjoyed it for the two weeks that I was there. I am somewhat tired. I will get some rest and hopefully tomorrow will bring a more productive and informative day. Till then....

Some Good News, Other News Well...

So this afternoon, I was on the internet when I received a phone call from my friend in Brooklyn. I enjoy talking to him. He and I talked for a while. I had just sent him an email telling him a little bit more about myself. I didn't get in depth. I only scratched the surface. I was open about the guy who moved to Minnesota. I didn't tell him about other things that occurred in my life. I did not want to be that open at such an early stage. I love hearing his voice. Tomorrow I go to my apartment in New Orleans, or what's left of it. I am scared of what I may see. I don't know what to expect and I am sure I will cry once I see what damage has been done. My goal is only to retrieve the jewelry my parents have given me over the years. I just hope I don't have to dig through a lot of mud, mold and murk to get to it. Other than that, I expect everything else to be damaged. In addition to that, I read in USA Today that my boss anticipates having to close the office should the state not provide funding to the DA's Office. To me that meant look for another job. I submitted my resume to the State Attorney's Office in Miami. Maybe that will bring an opportunity my way. Overall my day was alright. Let's just hope I get through tomorrow...

A Somewhat Productive Day

Today I drove to Baton Rouge with my brother in law. I was able to put my name on the list to receive a new law degree and bachelor degree since both of mine were damaged in the storm. The only thing I have to do now is call the state bar association and find out if they will replace my license. I am hoping they will. That is the one I really want to frame. I saw and spoke to a few of my law professors. They were impressed with how well I moved up the ranks at the district attorney's office. It was good being back seeing a few familiar faces. The only thing I didn't miss was being on that campus. While I was in Baton Rouge today, my friend from Brooklyn called me. He stated that he is trying to get back to New Orleans so that he can see me. I will believe that when I see him. I was beginning to enter my phase of not trying to keep in touch with him. But he called trying to keep open the line of communications. I must admit I was happy to hear from him. It is good hearing his voice. I love the way he says my name. Now I just need him to say something in spanish for me. I am sure his accent is lovely. Maybe I will hear from him tomorrow. Maybe not. But in any event, it was good hearing from him.

On His Way

So my friend is on his way to Minnesota. He should arrive tomorrow. He said he wants to keep in touch but I know that is just generous talk. I don't anticipate seeing him anymore. I am sure he will get settled there and perhaps find an interest. I am not as upset as I thought I would be. For some reason I feel somewhat indifferent about his leaving. I guess it may be because I am not sure where this road will take me and it is easier for me to not deal with the thought of being attached to someone. Maybe his departure feeds into how I typically proceed with men. My friend pointed that out to me. I have always ran from relationships. Only one has kept my interest and that was damn near ten years ago. I guess as long as I don't have to try and express myself, it works out for the better. I wish him the best of luck. But I guess that chapter in my life is about to officially close. Considering I have no real reason to try and focus on rebuilding my life in that city, I guess I should pack up and move some place else. I will continue to look, and if the opportunity presents itself, then I will make a decision....

Cloudy In Jackson, Mississippi

Today in Jackson, it is cloudy. The whether is about to change. That means I have to stock up on winter clothes. My friend from Brooklyn emailed me. His flight landed safely. I am sure somewhere along the way we will lose contact. But it was nice to meet him. It reassured me that there are generous people on earth. I have not called my other friend who is displaced in Texas. I don't know what his plans are and I haven't thought about it for a couple of days now. I have looked a little more extensively into the DC area. Everything is up in the air right now. My life is just as cloudy as it is in Jackson right now. Nothing is clear to me anymore. Hopefully I will be able to just go along for this ride Katrina has placed me on. I hope I am up to the challenge mentally, physically and spiritually. Till then....

A Memorable Goodbye

Yesterday I was in St. Gabriel, Louisiana. After I left work, I decided to drive to New Orleans to see my friend before he goes back to New York. I noticed two things yesterday. First thing I noticed was that my job was in more of a shambles than I anticipated. I worked with my judge yesterday and some of his staff as well as some of my colleagues from the office, but I realized that I got a feeling that I usually get when I am growing too old for something. That "it is time to move on" feeling. Things just weren't the same. Everything is different, we're not in our office. Hell we aren't even in our city. I need to learn how to embrace change if I am ever going to move on to bigger and better things. I have decided to further my look in the DC area for a job. The second thing I noticed was I am truly drawn to the guy I met in New York. He expressed an interest similar to mine without me even saying a word. He was adament in helping me get to my apartment to see if I could salvage anything. He constantly looked out for my best interest. He was more than I ever expected out of any man. When I was leaving the city, he walked me to my car, gave me a hug and a kiss and kept looking back as he walked away. In that moment, I knew he was someone special to me. I will never forget him. He wants to keep in touch. I do too, but how realistic is that. He goes back to New York today. Where he will resume his normal life with his girlfriend. He and I talked so much about things last night. He called to see if I had made it back safely. I told him that I did not want to disrespect his lady. Which he understood and stated to me that I hadn't done that. I don't know why I am drawn to this man but I do know whoever she is, she is extremely lucky.

Starting To Come Back

I have to be in New Orleans tomorrow for 9:00 am. I may leave out tonight or tomorrow morning. I have thought a lot about everything and I have decided to try and look for something in the DC area. What have I got to lose? I have to make plans for me. My parents should be in town today. I am still waiting on my laptop to arrive. I am not sure if I will have to be in court on Wednesday. They are still ironing out the plans. My aunt will let me stay with her while I am in the city. I am trying to hold out to see if my office will set up shop near the city or in the city. This will dictate where I begin my search for a new apartment. I miss so much about the city. I miss shooting pool with my friends. I miss going by my best friend house talking to her and her boyfriend about any and everything. I miss droping in on my sister and my parents just because. I miss everything. If I do move to another place it will be temporary because of where my heart is. I am kind of anxious to see if my therapist will be back in the city. I will understand if she moves. I think she is a native New Orleanian. Maybe she will come back and we can pick up where we was supposed to. On August 29 we had a meeting scheduled. That was the day the city flooded. Needless to say I have a lot to talk about. I am sure she does too. Till then....

What Do I Do

I decided not to call my friend today. I know he was going back to the city to check on his home. My feelings are he will get there and see that he can not live in the city and will decide to leave the state. I am trying to brace myself for the news. I really do not want him to go but at the same expense I can not tell him how I feel out of fear that he will not feel the same way. If he leaves, then I will know that he truly does not see a reason to stay in the city. I certainly do not think I can influence his decision. If he leaves, then I don't think I will be in the dating scene for a while. I am hoping that he will decide to stay and maybe he and I can work on something developing into a relationship. Maybe all of this is wishful thinking. Perhaps he really isn't interested in me to the extent that he does not want to date me exclusively. He and I have never been straight forward with our feelings unless we were telling each other that we did not want to be in a relationship. One thing is for sure, he and I both are nonchalant when it comes to expressing ourselves.

May Be On The Move

Well I spoke with someone from my job today and I may be in New Orleans three days out of the week now. One of those days I will be in court. I am happy to get back to work but I need a place to stay now. I will have to figure out something fast. My friend is sounding more definite in his plans to move. He said the move may be temporary until the city gets back on its feet. But I believe there is the possibility that he may get comfortable and stay where ever he relocates. I want him to go back to New Orleans, but I can't ask him to think about staying because I understand that he needs to sort things out for himself and reach his own conclusions about where he wants to go from here. I was trying to materialize something between us but I see now that may never happen and I guess I have to accept that fact and stay to myself for a while and sort things out for myself as well. Whatever he chooses, I wish him luck and hope he keeps me in mind on his own initiative. Till then...

Holding Back The Tears

Yesterday I was in New Orleans for my job and this morning when I left I toured the eastern part of the city. It is still a mess. The clean up crew hasn't even put a dent in it. In my area, it is still flooded. I am pretty sure that I will not be able to salvage anything considering it is still sitting under water. I was so distraught looking at my neighborhood that I became upset. I wasn't in the mood for crying. I only wanted to know why and how long this would take. The only good thing about my time in New Orleans was conversations I had with one of New Yorks finest. His name is Burt and he is a 40 year old Puerto Rican attractive man. I did not pry into his personal life considering he lives in New York. He and I have so many things in common I was kind of surprised. As long as he and I were on shifts together, all we did was talk to each other not really doing our respective jobs. He invited me to come to New York of course. I have never been and have always wanted to go. However, I am not making plans to fly out there just to see him. I am sure he is either married or dating. It would be hard to believe he is single. If I were in New York, I think I might be interested. He was so attractive. Perfect height and weight. He may be going back to New York next week. Maybe I will see him before he leaves. He wants to exchange email addresses to keep in touch. I might do it. What harm would it bring....

Not What I Was Hoping To Hear

I spoke with my friend tonight and he informed me that he is considering moving by next week. He is considering far west or one of the mid-western states. I guess I was kind of hoping he would have considered going back to New Orleans. Don't get me wrong, I have considered other states as well but I am sure after a few months, no longer that a couple of years, I would be ready to return back to New Orleans. I certainly can not ask him to consider me in his plans. That would not be fair to him. Though in some underlying way I am considering him in my plans. I guess because I already know him, I do not want to go through the trouble of finding someone else, learning someone else, and trying to trust someone else. Not that I can trust this one 100%, but I am more comfortable with him. I am not ready to meet new people and I am certainly not ready to date anyone I do not know. That is one of my biggest fears now. Being alone with someone I don't know. I guess I should be accepting of his plans. He has to do what is best for him just as I have to do what is best for me. But I guess I was just hoping for something more....

More Water For The City

So part of the city is flooding again. Not that I am surprised. I anticipated this would occur. I asked myself last night if hurricane season would be like this from now on and if so, do I want to deal with this every year. The answer to that question is no. I have thought a little about relocating. I am not too sure where to. I keep saying I will wait to see what my job will do, but for some reason it just keeps playing in my mind. If the office has to cut two thirds of its attorneys then I have a chance of being cut. I have thought about the possibility of my being cut and I don't know how I will receive it if it were to happen. Perhaps I am not worried for a reason. I keep telling myself I should be worried but I'm just not concerned. Maybe its because so much has already happened that anything else probably won't do as much harm. The thought of moving to Atlanta crept up in my head. It is a thriving city. And I could live on the outskirts of the city. I don't know, just a thought. I don't have anything holding me back and its not like I have to arrange to have any of my belongings moved from one state to another. Its just me, my few pairs of jeans, a few t-shirts, a few cd's, my fish, and my car. I think we all can fit into it. Like I said, just a thought.

No Time Soon

It appears as though we will not be back in the city for quite some time now. I really do miss parts of my life in the city. The only thing I really want to do is get back to my therapy. My job still has not made any cuts from the lawyer list. The boss has cut from the support staff, investigative staff and the administration staff. The attorney staff should be next. That will dictate how I plan. If he doesn't cut me, then I will stay and resume my therapy. If he cuts me, then I will have to figure out something else. I was speaking with my friend again tonight. He told me he missed me. It came as a shock to me and I got quiet. He asked me if I heard him and I said yeah but I was just shocked to hear him say it. There was a part of me that missed him too, but I didn't want to tell him because I didn't think he felt the same way nor wanted to hear it. I was honest with him and stated that I missed him too. He followed with he misses other things about the way his life was and he said he was sure there were other things that I may have missed more than him. I think that was his way of covering up additional conversation about what we shared with one another. I wasn't ready for any additional conversation. I was content with knowing that we mutually missed each other. To me it was the first time I experienced reciprocated feelings from a man. Even if it was a friendly I miss you from him, it was the same from me.

Taking A Toll

Today was not the best of days for me. Mentally I fell into one of those depressed states and found it hard to pull myself out. I felt drained mentally and physically. Everyone has had their lives turned upside down and people are so displaced from their families its unreal. Maybe I am just having a moment. Maybe I am worried about things that I can not control. A friend of mine said that the city may suffer more damage from the new hurricane threatening the Gulf. I said so what. I already know what can happen. Another flood will only improve the city considering damn near every home in the east has to be torn down. I will pull together eventually, but I see now it will take longer than I had hoped to rebuild the city and myself.

Back In Jackson

This morning I got off of work at 8:00 am. I could not sleep last night. Probably because I was lying on a cot and the men in the room had the television blasting. I told myself on the ride home that I will lift my spirits and begin to focus on making my situation better. I need to understand that this will not happen in a day but I do need to take affirmative steps. I have not exercised in a week and I feel as though I have gained weight. So my intentions are to exercise tonight. My friend and I have been calling each other more often. I don't know why. I think he thinks I am not too happy. I also think he is checking in on me to make sure I am not going over the deep end. I told him today that I wanted to adopt a dog. I have a fish but I can only interact with a fish to a certain degree, if at all. A dog is more attentive. I would get a cat but I am allergic to them. I love cats. They are the most independent creatures on the face of the earth. My friend told me instead of getting a dog, I should consider getting a bigger fish. He doesn't think I have the time to train a dog. He is right but I think I just want a companion and a dog is loyal to its master. I saw a dog today and it walked up to me waiting for me to pet it. I played with him for a while until he moved on to the next person that came in. He was a friendly dog. Otherwise my day did not entail much. Just a drive home and some sleep. Maybe tomorrow will be promising. Till then....

My Day Helping Out

Today I started my 24 hour shift for the office. Why we are working such long shifts, I do not know. I also found out today that the top official will soon make determinations on who to keep and who to cut. I don't know how I feel about that because I can look at this in two ways. If they keep me, then maybe I am supposed to stay in the city. If they let me go, perhaps this is an opportunity to look somewhere else and start over. I saw my sisters house yesterday. Completely messed up. Nothing salvageable, though her husband took a few pictures. My dad couldn't even get in his house because the furniture was tossed around inside blocking the doors. But he was able to look inside and noticed it was a mess and probably nothing savageable either. I could not get to my apartment. There was still three or four feet of standing water. I am sure there is nothing savageable in there either considering it is right there by Lake Ponchatrain. Being back in the city has aroused some frustration and uncertainty. Being here has made me realized how much I have lost, and how much things will never be the same. I may never be the same. Everytime I think about what I have gone through so far this year gets me a little choked up. Quite frankly, I really don't want to talk about it to anyone. I am beginning to feel that pain inside that is so deep that it is embedded in my stomach and it gives me chills just thinking about my year. When I think about it, its just me. Everyone else I know has someone to start over with. I have other friends who lost some things but not everything. I have lost everything and I feel like I am truly in the battle by myself. I think for the most part, there is a portion of me that feels as though it isn't even worth starting over. Mentally I feel like I don't want to deal with it. The more I write, the more I feel like crying. I will end now.....

On The Road Again

My job has asked me to work a Sunday shift so that means I have to drive to New Orleans on Saturday. Almost everyone who knows I am going has asked me to check on their home. My sister wants me to grab some things from her home if I can get in. She was naming so much stuff I had to tell her that my car is small and there may be some items from my apartment that I want to bring with me if I can. Items such as my clothes so that I can put them in a dry cleaner if at all possible. There are a few homes I will look at while I am there. My parents home, my sister home, my apartment, my best friend home and my close friend home. The only guy that I go out with wants me to grab his glasses from his home if the door is open. I told him I would do it. All in all, I have to experience the devestation for everyone. I found one of my cop friends who will go with me because I do not want to go by myself. I am praying for the best but I am mentally preparing myself for the worst. Will write again with the details....

A Good Day

So far today has been lovely. I have not been too concerned about much though I know at some point I need to focus on other employment just in case my job tells me that I no longer work there. My best friend is closer to me now. I just wish she visit a doctor to check her pregnancy status. She is due in November and I am worried about her. Maybe not so much worried but I just want to make sure she and the baby are fine. My dad's job may be moving him to Houston until the medical school is back to normal in New Orleans. I have made no clear cut decision about my next move. It is hard to think about it. Something in me is telling me to wait but I don't know why. Maybe it is to see what I can salvage at home. Maybe it is to see if my job will ask me to stay. I do know that I want to return to the city because I think it will be better now. But in the back of my mind I know I want to go back to my therapy sessions. If I am not sure of anything else right now, I know for certain I want to do that much. I owe it to myself.

So Far...

As of to date, I am okay mentally. I am trying to hold on to whatever sanity I have left. But for the most part, I am glad I can smile and laugh everyday. Some news is good, other news is discouraging. I don't know what is left of my apartment, but I am sure it is not much. The nightmares are every night now. I wake up in the middle of the night in a frenzy. The smallest sound is waking me up again. I am trying to find the strong point in me that will enable me to persevere. But I am sure when I go home to see what has become of the city and my belongings that will cause a permanent indentation on my brain. I have to go to Jefferson Parish on Thursday to make my way into the city for my job. I will see first hand what the city looks like after the destruction of Hurricane Katrina. Pray for me....

Any Meaning

Is there truly a meaning to all of this? I woke up this morning and asked myself why should I go through the trouble of seeking and obtaining another job when everything can be taken away from me in the blink of an eye. Maybe I am living for the wrong things. Maybe my life should be as basic as possible so that when I lose everything it won't hurt as much. What is the sense or meaning in this thing we call life? Why did I work hard for so many years and in the end incur a education loan that I can not pay back because of the horrible pay employers want to give people? In February when my peace of mind as I knew it was taken from me, all I had left was my career. Now that has been washed away too so it seems. What else is next to go?

Another Day

Last night when I went to bed I couldn't fall asleep. Nothing different from any other night. Lately, I have been having dreams about drowning. I have always had a phobia about water and the storm added to that fear I suppose. I spoke with a close friend of mine and she was telling me how to take it one hour at a time and try to be organized throughout all of this. She is a mentor of mine. She recently lost her father. Not from the storm. Her father was ill and she was explaining how everything happening in New Orleans has prevented her from mourning, not to mention plan for his funeral since people are displaced right now. She lives in Jefferson Parish so she faired pretty well throughout the storm which is a good thing. She expressed her concern for me considering she knows the extent of what I am dealing with past the hurricane. She is the only person who has the capability to put everything into perspective for me. She has such a fine insight on things its amazing. I guess she is right. This is something that would require not only taking one day at a time, but maybe even an hour at a time because it is so massive and can easily make someone not motivated to do anything. So I guess I will take her advice and move things at a reasonable pace and try not to be so depressed about things.

Motivation?

I have no motivation. But there are several factors contributing to that. What is interesting to me is that I am not motivated to help myself because there are other people who are worst off than I am. Am I wrong for feeling that way? Why is it that I place myself last when it comes to help. When I fell victim to a sexual assault, I decided not to press charges because of my concern for other people who could be effected (like his wife and children). I didn't want to take attention from other victims who experienced far worst than what I did. I didn't want to contribute to a growing docket in a crime infested city. And now, all I see are other people who need money, clothes and food more than I do. I don't know what is wrong with me but for some reason I refuse to help myself. The last thing my therapist told me to do was to learn to take care of me. But when motivation is lacking, what do you do?

Another Day

So here it is day two in Jackson, MS. Its not so bad. All I need to do is be able to find gas and I will be alright. I hope everyone else is well. I do not think I will be going to Roxie, MS by my grandmother this weekend. I think I might stay put. Her fussing about little things began to annoy me considering she had relatives in her home who has lost all of their belongings. One of those relatives being her firstborn child. Its amazing how people do not put things into perspective until it happens to them. I guess that is part of human error. As a prosecuting attorney, I have truly learned how blessed I have been throughout my life compared to most people. Granted I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth, but I wasn't dirt poor either. Unfortunately, I am not sleeping at night again. There are two items sticking out in the forefront of my mind. The rape that happened to me and now the flood. Believe it or not, but mentally I have drawn a line between the two and my mind is trying to find ways to escape both of them. But how do you make the mind forget about traumatic experiences. Particularly when everytime I turn on the tv I see the gulf coast states/new orleans. If its not that, then my mind is occupied with someone attacking me. I think somewhere along the way I will cope. But what would it take to change things in my life. In some ways, I am trying to look at this flood as being a cleansing period. I guess in a way, perhaps the start of a new life for me. Or is it God's way of saying even if I took you away from your everyday surroundings, would things really be any different. The same pain is still present. The same sleep pattern is still there. The same distrust is still there. The same fears are still there. I guess really there is no running from it. Only dealing with it. Maybe someday I will have a story to tell. I just pray its one of hope for whoever is listening.

Reality Sights

I am tired of trying to find an aerial shot of my apartment complex so I have just conceded to the fact that my apartment and everything contained within are under water. That is a bitter pill to swallow, but at least I have my life and a few clothes with some money. I guess when its all said and done, I could be doing worst. My office has plans to resume work tomorrow at a prison facility in orleans parish. If it is good I will go, but I need a place to sleep. I have located two of my friends I was most concerned about. I am so anxious to see my friends and family it is unbelievable. For anyone who stumbles upon this site, please pray for me and everyone similarly situated. Mentally I don't know how much more I can take considering everything that happened to me in February. What else can I add to the list to tell my psychiatrist?!

Starting Over

So it is official. I no longer live in New Orleans. I have lost everything and I have to start from the ground up. I lost everything. My clothing, shoes, furniture, books, cd's, dvd's, poetry..... I don't know what to do. I am trying to tell myself be thankful I got out with my life. But that is extremely hard to do. I will begin to look for a job in a neighboring parish or state. Till then.....

Latest Development

I visited the psychiatrist last week and I must admit I thought she was extremely good. She said that I have all of the symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder and she prescribed zoloft and ambien. My frustration came when I had to foot the bill for the medicine. Not only am I paying out of pocket to see these doctors, I am also footing the bill for the medicine. What in the hell am I paying health care benefits for!!! Nothing is covered under my plan. But I will no longer complain about that. I have not purchased the medicine yet. I have an appointment with my therapist on the 29th of this month and I have to go back to the psychiatrist on the 2nd of September. I am thinking about relocating to another city. For some reason I don't think there is anything in this city for me. That includes both career life and personal life. I love my friends and family but at times I get really depressed about my situation and I feel like I need a change. I don't know what to do. Something else crept up in my head the other day. In eight months I will have been single for ten years. My last relationship was in April '96 and I have not been in a relationship since that. That is bothering me for some reason. I almost think it is pathetic. Will write soon....

Preparing For Phase II

I won't see my therapist for a little over two weeks, but she wants me to use this time to prepare going into phase two of our sessions. In phase two, I will work on taking care of myself, my self esteem and we will begin discussing the "incident." I am gearing up to tell her everything that happened that night. I am sure she will question the same things that I question but I have to work through this somehow. On Tuesday, I will undergo this psychiatric evaluation. The outcome of this is to see if I need to take prescribed medicine to help me sleep and concentrate, thereby diminshing my stress, anxiety, and depression. I am not sure what to expect and I am somewhat on edge about it for some reason. Today is my dad's birthday. I didn't have any additional funds to treat him to something. I hope he understands. A lot has been on my mind lately. Friday when I got home, I sat on my sofa and watched tv. It was 6:30 pm. I found myself waking up at 7:00 pm. I decided to get into bed and I did not wake up until the next day. I guess I was catching up on all of the sleep I have been lacking. Saturday I was busy but I think I relaxed a little. I anticipate being in a trial on Monday morning. I will be out on Tuesday, so that leaves Wednesday to prepare for. Thursday and Friday, my judge will be out of town. So I get a two day break from him. Will write later....