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It must have been Tuesday night when I decided that I needed to tell him about his self. I called from my work phone and was just honest about how I felt about things and him. When I called, his phone went straight to his voice mail which was a good thing because he still can not contact me. The rest of the week was still shitty for me and when I saw my male friend in court the other day, I had the wosrt attitude towards him. I apologized later and I asked him if he wanted to go to the movies. I wanted to see Hitch. He said he would go and we decided on Friday night. I decided to ask him because I didn't want to put a halt to my life. I got off work late Friday night (intentionally), after seven to be exact and didn't get to his place until nine. We went to the theater and it was extremely packed. I didn't even get out of the car. We went back to his place and watched a movie. Maybe five menutes after the movie went off, I got up and left. He looked kind of shocked about it, but it just didn't feel right being there. I don't think I even hugged him. I wasn't in the mood for anything. I called him the following day to see if he was busy and he said he had plans; translation, he had a date. I was okay with that. I think I am tired of that scenario too. I deleted his number from my phone as well as every other personal male number that I had. I'm simply not interested at the moment.....
For over a week now the only conclusion I have come to is that I am angry. I am so angry that I can't even put it in words to express myself. I have tried to put it behind me, out of my mind, and out of my heart. It keeps replaying. I am more so angry with myself because I feel like its my fault. All I had to do was say no to his question over the phone. I must admit I did not imagine anything like that would happen. My conscience is telling me to approach the situation face to face. I have thought about retaliation, but the ultimate sacrifice if something goes wrong is my license to practice. I don't want to do anything legally because I don't want that much information about me out in the open. Maybe that contributes to my frustration. I am in a position of asserting punishment and can not do anything out of fear. A little voice tells me to let God handle it, but for some reason that isn't good enough. I honestly want to kill someone. I have never really trusted anyone and now that is shot to hell. All my life I have tried to ignore what I was taught as it relates to trust but that person was absolutely right. You can't trust anybody. I don't want to meet anybody, I don't want to go out and I don't want to place myself in any other wrong situations. I feel like I have no options. Everyone at work asks me what is wrong because I have this attitude that I can not shake. I can't sleep at night without thinking about this shit and I find myself punching my pillow in the middle of the night because I am just that angry. All I want is a way out and my peace of mind. Why is it that they have to take everything from me at once leaving me with nothing to build again. They make me question everything about myself, my job, my life, my purpose and everything is grim. I truly hate this person. I don't normally say I hate people. But I find more so now that people are selfish and self serving. I wish I could find some place and just hide. I feel like I don't fit in nor do I want to. I hate myself for being stupid and wish I could erase everything. But no one is that fortunate.
This past week was just horrible. My weekend was terrible and those who know me personally know why. Then on Monday, I selected a jury for an attempted second degree murder trial and that was only my third day in that section. The trial started on Wednesday and on that day my victim did not appear in court and the judge flipped out. I convinced the judge to let me recess the trial until Thursday. My victim finally called after 4:00 that evening and said he caught a flat. I had my investigator pick him up Thursday morning. The trial was a three defendant case where they shot my victim 17 times. Everyone thought for sure the jury would find one of them not guilty and the other two guilty. The jury came back not guilty as to all three. I was shocked and upset. On Friday, I had to argue against a motion for a new trial on the attempted second degree murder trial I had in my previous section. In that case, one of my victims was left paralyzed from the neck down. The judge granted the defendant a new trial. I was so pissed off. The judge didn't even give reasons on the record. I told him I was appealing the matter to the court of appeals. I felt so bad for my victims. I walked back to my office and just started throwing everything in sight. The entire week was not good for me at all. Valentine's Day truly meant nothing to me this year. In fact, it wasn't even on my mind until my best friend called and asked me what did I get. I told her nothing of course. I tried to stay away from everyone that day. Because of my weekend, I was apprehensive about getting close to anyone. I can count the men I have actually hugged this week. Probably two. I think my perspective has changed. If you can't trust someone of 15+ , who can you trust. Be back soon....
Yesterday was my first day in my new section of court. I can honestly say I have met someone far more anal than myself. My judge is sooooooooo.... I don't even think I can put a word on it. You have to see him. I have never seen anyone like him, but he moves his docket fast and he is very efficient. I like the section, but I can foresee that it is going to work the hell out of me when it comes to jury trials. I just have to have the mental and physical stamina to keep up with him. Afterall, I am the one doing most of the work when you really think about it. The judge just sits there and the defense counsel doesn't have to deal with every matter on the docket, just his/hers. My judge is very nice and very respectful however. He has an opinion that everything should go one way and if it falls outside of that one way, then it is chaos. I must admit I agree with him. I think this section will help me get better organized as an attorney. This weekend not many people may hear from me. I have to prepare an attempted second degree murder for Monday so I have my work cut out for me. The trial should extend to Tuesday night hopefully no later than Wednesday. It is interesting and I will have to formulate my theory of the case to present it to the jury. Hopefully I can get a verdict of aggravated battery considering I have started preparing for it yesterday (my first day in the section). The only problem I have is waking up at six in the morning to get to work because court starts at eight. I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON!!!!!!!!! But by the time other sections are just getting started, most of the time I am finished with court for the day. I need to look at this logically and get my lazy ass up in the morning and quit whinning like some six year old who doesn't want to go to school in the morning. (That used to be me by the way, until my mom kicked my ass which gave me an incentive to leave the house) Till then......
It has been a while since I have posted something on my blog. Ever since I moved in my own place, I am without a computer. Well, the office finally moved me to another section of court. I am told the judge is extremely anal, but his courtroom is ran effficiently. My first day there will be this upcoming Thursday. I may as well get used to having court more often now because this judge attends work everyday. And by the way, he wants to have 100 more jury trials by the end of this year. My jury trial stats shoud increase definitely. I also want to increase my conviction rate. I am now in a section where the docket is a little over 100 cases whereas in the other section it was over 400 cases rapidly approaching 500 cases.
I am fairing out pretty good in my apartment. I love my privacy and my space. I was having a moment when my police friend would call wanting to come by and then it got to the point where he would be outside my door calling me to see if I was home. I stopped taking his calls. My apartment will not be used as an escape for married men. If I can't have sex with you, then you can't come by. That is the now existing policy.
I have decided not to openly pursue my male friend anymore. I entertained the thought for quite some time now, but nothing has changed. I don't think he is willing to be anything more that a sex partner which is cool with me because that is how things started out between us. The only time we discuss relationships (in general) is when he brings it up after having sex. I never understood why he would want to have these conversations at those moments. Last night I was told that I am not willing to be open, I have a fear of intimacy and fears of other things that prevent me from having meaningful sex everytime I have sex with him and that I should just forget about whatever it is that is mentally blocking me from what I am doing at that moment. First of all, there is no meaningful sex with someone who is just a sex object to me. I will admit I am not open and I do have a fear of intimacy but I guess I didn't need to hear it from him. I got a little aggravated because it is something he picked up on. I get a little ticked off behind it because I don't like the idea of someone seeing something in me that I don't typically share. Now I feel as though I need to leave him alone. Reason being, now that he senses that I have a fear of being open with anyone, he is just going to stick around for the sex and add to the underlying problem that I really deal with. It was fine as long as he and I were just having sex with no additional conversation, but for some reason I feel as though he is making things complicated by having these intimate conversations that more or less confuse me when it comes to what he wants from me which prompts me to at least give it some thought and effort for the sake of saying at least I tried and didn't shoot him down without giving him a chance like I do most men. Most people know me as someone who has her share of men to pick from. No one sees me as someone who is interested in a relationship and I would like to keep it that way. And I certainly don't want him thinking I want to be with him but for some reason can't commit to him. I take issue with having to commit to someone when I believe in my heart that it won't last past a certain amount of months just like the last one. But this guy here has fallen into the category with most other men I meet. He is not interested in getting to know me. I'll admit that I am complicated, but I told him this early on and he was the one who brought up the whole relationship thing and three days later backed out. That was okay. But at the same extent, the same way I am consistent with how I am, I think I expect the same in return. Stop talking to me about relationships. I'm not going to be open and honest and even if we do decide to date, I am not going to trust him and chances are, he won't be able to trust me.
