Return

Today was my first day back at work. I must admit it felt pretty good. I had my trial today. The jury found the defendant guilty as charged on the purse snatching charge and they were hung on the attempted armed robbery. That upset me. I would have preferred the not guilty on the attempted armed robbery. That way I would not have to try it again. But so be it. My day was good overall. I enjoyed being back at work around my co-workers. I felt like my old self again. I am not prepared on my trial tomorrow, but I have one that I can go on this coming Wednesday. I am happy that I felt like me today. Will write soon...

My Break

I have been off from work going on two weeks now. My immediate supervisors became aware of what was the source of my anger that they told me to take some time off. This coming Monday I will return to work taking an armed robber and purse snatcher to trial (another black male by the way). My immediate supervisor asked if I wanted to take more time off and I declined. I think I should get back into work. She told me if I needed more time to let her know, but I think going back to work is best for me. Overall, I am a little more like myself mentally. I have my moments I will admit, but I am ready to get back into practicing law. I was speaking with my best friends' boyfriend and I shared with him something I have been talking with myself about. I told him I no longer wanted to date black men. We were having a general conversation about black people and I guess that prompted me to telling him how I feel at this stage. Its not that I think I will never be attracted to black men ever again in life. But they are not at the top of my preference list any longer. I guess based on my experiences with them, (work and personal) they just appear to be useless for the most part. I guess I got a sense of validation when I heard my friends' boyfriend and my dad say, "N-----s are useless and they don't want to do anything". Ironically they both said that yesterday which reinforced what I have been thinking. Yesterday, another motorist hit my car. He wanted to make it out like it was my fault. He had no insurance and was trying to leave the scene. I couldn't believe him. Here I am, like other honest paying citizens, paying for an accident that wasn't my fault. I have to pay a $500.00 deductible to repair damage I did not cause. The nerve of him trying to not take responsibility for his actions. That is the number one headache I have with black men. They do not want to take responsibilty for anything. I am truly starting to hate them!

Funny But Sad

I spent the weekend by my grandmother in Mississippi and got more sleep than I needed. On Saturday I saw my cousin, whom I am close with, and she looked at me and said something is different; whats wrong. I tried not to tell her but she kept asking. I told her and just broke down. She did all she could to comfort me but knew the pain went a little too deep for her to even reach. She advised me to get counseling from a source who doesn't know me to help me put things back in perspective, but something inside of me just began to feel numb.

I came home yesterday and I called my friend that I did not want to call anymore. He called me on Friday and I was distant. He extended the invitation, but I declined because I knew I had weekend plans. When I made it back into town I called him and paid him a visit. We talked and he was extremely nice. I knew what that meant, but I began to fight with my mind and body. I was under a lot a stress and my weekend trip didn't relax me the way I thought it would have. He and I had sex. He had a significant number of orgasms that caught him off guard. I said are you done cause I'm not. He lauged and said yeah. You know he went to sleep. I didn't even have a single orgasm and there he was laying next to me snoring. Right before he went to sleep, his words were, "You won." and he rolled over. I was so pissed and horny. My ego was alright but the rest of me wasn't.

What was sad about the entire night was that I felt empty inside. For a moment, I was trying to find something that just isn't there. It had been a while since I had seen or been with him so I tested him. I told him I missed him and he didn't respond. I am truly starting to feel invisible. Eveytime I look in the mirror, its as if I am looking right past me. I was upset last night, even while having sex. Twice he had to tell me stop because he wasn't wearing a condom. But I didn't care for some reason. He kind of pushed me off of him and obtained a condom, but as it stands nothing is making me happy at this stage.

My Request

I got so fed up with a victim today that I walked directly to the second floor and asked to be moved to the screening division. I am tired of putting in all of these hours to baby sit people. I am tired of dealing with a docket on a daily basis and most importantly I am tired of judges. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have to attend court everyday. But I am getting fed up and I am no longer motivated to being a trial attorney. I am trying to tell myself just hold out another year in trials, but that is becoming a burden. I don't have time for myself or anything else. I want a break just like everyone else. I am tired of asking permission to offer deals to people. I have been doing this for quite some time. Why do I constantly have to get permission like I am retarded. In any other office, I would have power to make deals. How can I effectively move a docket if I have to constantly seek permission. Screening is actually looking for experienced attorneys in that division. I asked to be considered and I was told that wasn't a problem. I want to go to sleep.....

Knowing vs Not Knowing

Last night I decided to call him from my work phone because I got tired of thinking about what I would say to him if I ever saw him again and what impact it may have on me. I needed to know if he felt as bad as I do or if he didn't even care any longer; if at all. I needed to know if that conversation would put my mind at ease. I called and he answered the phone. I told him I wanted an apology and not a shallow one. He responded with what was wrong with me. I asked if he was serious and then I said what do you think is wrong. He said he already apologized for it and that I told him everything was okay and that I would get over it. I explained to him that I should not have dealt with the situation that way. My problem is I have a tendency to run from things thinking things will go away and as a result my anger builds up and it impedes my day. But I had to be straight forward with him. I told him that I trusted him and that I don't like him because I don't know him. But I had to be honest because I got tired of waking up every morning telling myself that I was stupid and how much I hate him. That is consuming too much of me and I am tired of that. I don't want to be angry. I have too much going for me to let this bring me down. He constantly apologized. And after a while, his apology meant nothing. The damage had been done and there was nothing he could say or do to change things. In that moment I knew it was over and a burden had been lifted. He can't make things better. Only I can heal me and move on. No one can come into my life and make things any different or better. But if I can re-invent myself as I have done in the past when it came to the men in my life, then I can do it again. I know that will take some time because of the nature of the experience, but that experience could have been worst. Perhaps it took this experience to keep us apart. Honestly, that relationship was dead weight and I guess God cut the chain. I no longer hate him. I will always know I played a part in what happened. I should not have been so comfortable around him knowing how he felt about me. But I guess because he has always assumed the role of the comfortor, the listener, the friend, I got more than what I bargained for that night. When he came by, I thought he would be that comfortor and friend that night. But I was wrong. I should not have looked to him for those things because of his situation. That truly was my fault. But what transpired afterwards was his fault. I didn't ask for that and I begged and pleaded with him not to. That is something he will have to deal with and get through. I have started my new day. I hope he can do the same.