Funny But Sad

I spent the weekend by my grandmother in Mississippi and got more sleep than I needed. On Saturday I saw my cousin, whom I am close with, and she looked at me and said something is different; whats wrong. I tried not to tell her but she kept asking. I told her and just broke down. She did all she could to comfort me but knew the pain went a little too deep for her to even reach. She advised me to get counseling from a source who doesn't know me to help me put things back in perspective, but something inside of me just began to feel numb.

I came home yesterday and I called my friend that I did not want to call anymore. He called me on Friday and I was distant. He extended the invitation, but I declined because I knew I had weekend plans. When I made it back into town I called him and paid him a visit. We talked and he was extremely nice. I knew what that meant, but I began to fight with my mind and body. I was under a lot a stress and my weekend trip didn't relax me the way I thought it would have. He and I had sex. He had a significant number of orgasms that caught him off guard. I said are you done cause I'm not. He lauged and said yeah. You know he went to sleep. I didn't even have a single orgasm and there he was laying next to me snoring. Right before he went to sleep, his words were, "You won." and he rolled over. I was so pissed and horny. My ego was alright but the rest of me wasn't.

What was sad about the entire night was that I felt empty inside. For a moment, I was trying to find something that just isn't there. It had been a while since I had seen or been with him so I tested him. I told him I missed him and he didn't respond. I am truly starting to feel invisible. Eveytime I look in the mirror, its as if I am looking right past me. I was upset last night, even while having sex. Twice he had to tell me stop because he wasn't wearing a condom. But I didn't care for some reason. He kind of pushed me off of him and obtained a condom, but as it stands nothing is making me happy at this stage.