Knowing vs Not Knowing

Last night I decided to call him from my work phone because I got tired of thinking about what I would say to him if I ever saw him again and what impact it may have on me. I needed to know if he felt as bad as I do or if he didn't even care any longer; if at all. I needed to know if that conversation would put my mind at ease. I called and he answered the phone. I told him I wanted an apology and not a shallow one. He responded with what was wrong with me. I asked if he was serious and then I said what do you think is wrong. He said he already apologized for it and that I told him everything was okay and that I would get over it. I explained to him that I should not have dealt with the situation that way. My problem is I have a tendency to run from things thinking things will go away and as a result my anger builds up and it impedes my day. But I had to be straight forward with him. I told him that I trusted him and that I don't like him because I don't know him. But I had to be honest because I got tired of waking up every morning telling myself that I was stupid and how much I hate him. That is consuming too much of me and I am tired of that. I don't want to be angry. I have too much going for me to let this bring me down. He constantly apologized. And after a while, his apology meant nothing. The damage had been done and there was nothing he could say or do to change things. In that moment I knew it was over and a burden had been lifted. He can't make things better. Only I can heal me and move on. No one can come into my life and make things any different or better. But if I can re-invent myself as I have done in the past when it came to the men in my life, then I can do it again. I know that will take some time because of the nature of the experience, but that experience could have been worst. Perhaps it took this experience to keep us apart. Honestly, that relationship was dead weight and I guess God cut the chain. I no longer hate him. I will always know I played a part in what happened. I should not have been so comfortable around him knowing how he felt about me. But I guess because he has always assumed the role of the comfortor, the listener, the friend, I got more than what I bargained for that night. When he came by, I thought he would be that comfortor and friend that night. But I was wrong. I should not have looked to him for those things because of his situation. That truly was my fault. But what transpired afterwards was his fault. I didn't ask for that and I begged and pleaded with him not to. That is something he will have to deal with and get through. I have started my new day. I hope he can do the same.