Its Been A Long Time

Here it is April 13 and I am just now writing on my blog. So much has happened, but so little has changed. I have been busy with jury trials, busy with motion hearings and I am exhausted. Every morning I wake up and remind myself to tell someone I am fed up with trials. But at the end of the day, I get ready to do it all over again. Maybe I am just as crazy as my judge. Maybe I feel a certain level of responsibility to my supervisors and my victims. Maybe I am becoming more of a dull person. Maybe I am becoming so prone to this life of nothing outside of what I do that it is blinding me. I don't know. But what I do know is at the end of the day, its just me when I go home and that makes me think. The other day, a co-worker of mine asked me if I wanted her to set me up with someone. I kind of brushed it off not really saying no. But I just don't think I am ready for that. I asked myself why and then the first thing that came to my mind was something negative. What if that person does the same thing this person did. That experience is still lingering and its reinforced by other factors and opinions. I had dinner with my sister last weekend and I looked across the room and saw this older lady having dinner by herself. Now perhaps she just wanted to eat alone that night. Who's to say. But seeing that scared me. I instantly saw myself that way. My best friend is expecting. I was so elated that I thought to myself how pathetic I am. Come December, I will be 32 and I am no where near family status. For the most part, I guess I am scared of all of the uncertainties. It sucks when you're an intelligent person and your mind thinks beyond what it needs to because ultimately that thought process lays the foundation and path that we eventually follow. The path known as depression.