Changes

Well three of our trial attorney's have resigned. That kind of puts the trials division in a bind. Considering I have decided to stay in trials, I am almost certain that they are happy to hear that which means one less space they would have to fill. One of the people who resigned I will miss. The others I am not too concerned about. I anticpate being moved to another section of court where it is less stressful. Its nice to know that I have some input in the matter. Whether or not they will grant my wish is a different story. For the most part, I don't think I am quite ready to leave the office though several other attorney's have encouraged me to do just that and start my own practice. I think somewhere in me I like the ideal of having a title behind my name. I don't know why. Maybe that is the egotistical side of me speaking. I have plenty of work to do this weekend, so I should be busy for the greater portion of it. I need to relax also. Last night, I was running a fever and I was going though my anxiety moments. I do that when I get sick. I medicated myself last night and when I woke up this morning, my fever was gone. I am still not 100%, but I am feeling a lot better though. Will update on the moves in the office soon....

How To Crawl Then Walk Again

This morning I woke up not worried about anything. I decided that I would leave work at 5:00 not caring about what was on the docket for tomorrow. Afterall, why should I worry about tomorrow since it is promised to nobody. I left work at 5:15, went home, changed my clothes and went to the gym. I had a pretty good work out cardio wise, but the gym was packed. I have never seen so many over weight children in one room. Video games are totally useless. I tried talking to God last night. For the most part I was apologizing because I feel guilty about everything in my life. I hope He listened. I have to get in touch with myself spiritually again. Which means starting from within again. I have done it once before, but this time it is going to take a little more dedication. Not only to myself, but to Him. I just feel like I don't know where to start.

Learning My Craft

I have decided to stay in trials afterall. I am not ready to stop learning what I am doing and I honestly believe the longer I stay in trials, the more of an asset I become. August will make two years in trials and last week I realized I am still learning a lot. There will be some major moves in the office again and I anticipate being moved again. Last week was very stressful and it impaired me from going to a session. I have decided to look into one on one therapy but there is something that is keeping me from making that step. There is so much going on in my head right now and I feel like I am dealing with this all by myself. I am feeling a spiritual fight that I have never felt before and it is impeding my relationship with God. I truly feel like He doesn't want to hear anything that I have to say and as a result for the first time in my life I feel as if I can not go to Him for help and guidance. I truly feel lost and it is a scary feeling. No one knows how I feel because they have not experienced this. I really believe the problem is me and I need to find the answers somehow. This weekend, I literally could not move because I felt so drained physically, mentally and spiritually. I think God hates me and that is the reason why I am going through all of this. A little voice inside of me keeps saying that isn't true but then another voice says it is. I am losing my mind and I don't know who to turn to. I told my sister what happened to me and now everytime she talks to me, she asks if I am okay. Not that it bothers me that she is concerned about her little sister, but I hate the fact that everytime she sees me, she sees a rape victim. I think everyone who knows sees me as that and those are four letters that I can not get out of my head. Its constantly there. I am no longer the person who everyone knew or who I knew for that matter. I hate the fact that I am a statistic and that is all people see. I hate the fact that if I ever become involved with someone, that is a side of me that I may have to share. And of course, who would want to be bothered with me and all that extra baggage. Why should any man have to tolerate that and be subject to my distrust. Most things in my life seem useless now and the only thing I feel that I have to hold on to is being a trial attorney. He successfully took everything else away that night, why should I let him have my career too.