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So last weekend I decided to take my sisters advice and try to have a different approach about being in a relationship. She was of the opinion that I don't do enough to let men know that I am interested. So last week I told my friend I was interested in him and his response was the same response that I get from every other man that I have had an interest in. Even though I don't think I really want to be in a relationship with him, I find it odd that I can not attract anyone. There is also another side of me that feel as though I am not ready to be in a relationship with anyone for every reason in the world. I don't know what is wrong with me, but I really feel stupid. I had a nice week in Florida. I didn't sleep at all. I had the same anxieties in Florida that I have here in Louisiana. I had another nightmare. This one involved a sex offender finding out that I worked at the District Attorney's office and for some reason he was after me. Later in the dream, he was molesting some child. When does it end?
Today I saw my therapist and I must admit that she and I had a good session. She wants me to begin seeing her twice a week and then we will go back down to once a week. I told her about some of the problems that I have been experiencing over the past few days. She wants me to work on doing something positive for myself and to stop calling myself a "hypocrite" (did I spell that right). Anyway I told her that I applied for the Homicide position at work. She thought that was a good idea but I had my concerns because I applied for the position to run away from the rape trials that have now fallen into my lap. She thought it was a good idea that the rape trials were now mine because she seems to think that things happen for a reason. Her idea was that I should not run from it but embrace it as an opportunity to help people similarly situated. I never looked at it like that because all I saw was fear. But what was really meaningful to me was that she said she would help me get through the trials and that I was not alone in this. That meant so much to me because for the past few months I have felt like I have been in this alone because none of the people I am close with understands what I am going through (and I pray they never do). I know that they want to be there for me as much as they can but I also think because they can not give me advice, they may think that there may not be much they can say or do to help me. So needless to say I don't turn to them when I need to vent. But those words to me for some reason just made me smile for the rest of the day. Maybe I can get through those rape trials but I know it is something I will have to work on and be strong.
So yesterday I drove all the way to Franklinton, LA to find a victim. I drove there to hear her say she can't come to court to testify because of her schedule. This young lady is a rape victim so it was hard for me get her to make a decision simple because my decision was not to report my incident and I didn't want to influence her decision in any way. But she was extremely indecisive. So either the judge will give another continuance or we will be forced to trial. If the judge is smart, he will force us. On the way home my concentration was extremely limited. I couldn't focus on anything simply because the case involved a rape. I was thinking about my own situation and I became kind of upset. When I went to sleep last night, I had a dream that he called me. In my dream, I was in my room at my parents house and he called. And I kept asking him how did he get my number because I had changed it. He kept laughing at me and I began to tell him everything that I was going through and he just kept laughing. So I hung up the phone and he tried to say something to me as I hung up. After that I woke up sweating. I decided to get up and get ready for work. Today has been somewhat solemn for me. I have been quiet for the most part, but I was in between three sections of court today. On Monday and Tuesday I will be in another section of court because the lead counsel is out. Those two days will be hell for me.
I am getting back to the office from visiting my counselor. She recommended that I speak with a psychiatrist who could prescribe medicine to help me "cope" with this issue. I asked if the medicine that this psychiatrist would prescribe would help "change" everything or better yet help me "forget." She said it won't help me forget but it would help me cope to bring about change. I am not sure if I want to take any prescribed medicine. What if it has a negative affect on my job performance? She seems to think it would help with my depression/anxiety. It may, I don't know. But I am pissed at the fact that I have to deal with this. She told me to think about it but strongly encourages that I see her every week. I am trying to figure out what questions I want answers to by the time I leave a session. I am trying not to walk in with the attitude that I will have a solution to everything by the end of the hour. She tried to emphasize that there is nothing wrong with seeking assistance from people and self love. She took notes when I told her that I didn't think anyone could love another person. That comment followed with another question which caused her to write down that response as well. I will see her again next Wednesday. Same time same place....
So I decided to turn over my resume to someone which is the first step towards my goal. I am supposed to utilize another avenue which I will do before I leave the office for the day. I asked myself several times today if I was sure that this is what I want to do and is it the right time. I figured since I have made the first step then perhaps it is something I want to do. I know there will be a struggle at first, but I have to figure out my next move and how to survive. The luxuries will have to cease for a moment, but I will somehow make ends meet. I have not stopped with just turning over the resume. There are some additional things I need to do to assure income flow. Pray for me.....
Last night was somewhat scary for me. In spite of not having to deal with the wind or rain from the hurricane, I went through one of my anxiety moments. It all started around seven o'clock last night. I fell into this mental hole and I found myself feeling like I was going crazy. I couldn't sleep, I started to panic and I couldn't stop crying. I found myself sleeping on the floor because I didn't want to be in my bed. At about two o'clock in the morning, I decided to get back into my bed and I was extremely restless. I didn't fall asleep until about five o'clock in the morning and by that time it was almost time to get up for work. My head is still hurting and I feel a little disoriented. I don't know what prompted last nights episode, but it took a toll. For a brief moment, I was so angry that I started hitting the wall. Maybe I just need to relax more. I have been tucked away in my office since I arrived at work. I have my door closed hoping that will keep people away. On a brighter note. I purchased Missy Elliots' new cd. I like everything on it. I would reccommend it. R. Kelly cd sucks. I should have known that. I also bought Will Smith's cd. I like everything on that one as well. In my own little way I like him because I think he is intelligent and multi-talented. He has come such a long way and he seems to persevere very well. He also seems well grounded and appears to have mastered the art of peace so it seems. Besides, I think he is a talented writer. Will write again soon...
So we don't know if the hurricane is coming our way. Not that any of us New Orleanians should take a chance, but I really don't feel like evacuating. So I will keep my eyes glued to the tv should I have to make some last minute adjustments. I put in my resume for the homicide division and I had my interview today. I was only asked one question and that was whether I believed in the death penalty. I don't think the death penalty is something a person can "believe" in. If I successfully prove my case at trial, then I will push for the death penalty. If I am not successful, then oh well. Besides this is Orleans Parish. No one here will put anyone to death no matter how many people the defendant kill. That was my day today. I didn't get as much accomplished this week as I would have liked to. But I will try to bust my ass next week. My therapist called today. I was impressed. This past Monday was a holiday and this coming Monday, no one knows what the city will be like due to the storm. So she asked if we could meet on Wednesday to start our sessions. I was getting worried because this coming Monday is the threat of a storm. Next Monday I have a scheduled rape trial and the following Monday I plan to be in Florida (unless another storm comes along). I was shocked that she called me to schedule an appointment. I am optimistic about this. I hope it can change me for the better. Well my male friend called me the other day to see how I made out with Tropical Storm Cindy. He actually called to check on me which surprised me as well. Another thing that is shocking to me is that he has now asked me twice about the well being of my best friend. He has never asked me about her. But the last time he and I went out he asked me how she was doing and when he checked on me for the storm he asked me how she was doing. I don't know why he keeps asking. But maybe he is just looking for conversation. I don't know. Maybe he wants to get with her. Well it is time for me to leave work. I will write soon....
