Holding Back The Tears

Yesterday I was in New Orleans for my job and this morning when I left I toured the eastern part of the city. It is still a mess. The clean up crew hasn't even put a dent in it. In my area, it is still flooded. I am pretty sure that I will not be able to salvage anything considering it is still sitting under water. I was so distraught looking at my neighborhood that I became upset. I wasn't in the mood for crying. I only wanted to know why and how long this would take. The only good thing about my time in New Orleans was conversations I had with one of New Yorks finest. His name is Burt and he is a 40 year old Puerto Rican attractive man. I did not pry into his personal life considering he lives in New York. He and I have so many things in common I was kind of surprised. As long as he and I were on shifts together, all we did was talk to each other not really doing our respective jobs. He invited me to come to New York of course. I have never been and have always wanted to go. However, I am not making plans to fly out there just to see him. I am sure he is either married or dating. It would be hard to believe he is single. If I were in New York, I think I might be interested. He was so attractive. Perfect height and weight. He may be going back to New York next week. Maybe I will see him before he leaves. He wants to exchange email addresses to keep in touch. I might do it. What harm would it bring....

Not What I Was Hoping To Hear

I spoke with my friend tonight and he informed me that he is considering moving by next week. He is considering far west or one of the mid-western states. I guess I was kind of hoping he would have considered going back to New Orleans. Don't get me wrong, I have considered other states as well but I am sure after a few months, no longer that a couple of years, I would be ready to return back to New Orleans. I certainly can not ask him to consider me in his plans. That would not be fair to him. Though in some underlying way I am considering him in my plans. I guess because I already know him, I do not want to go through the trouble of finding someone else, learning someone else, and trying to trust someone else. Not that I can trust this one 100%, but I am more comfortable with him. I am not ready to meet new people and I am certainly not ready to date anyone I do not know. That is one of my biggest fears now. Being alone with someone I don't know. I guess I should be accepting of his plans. He has to do what is best for him just as I have to do what is best for me. But I guess I was just hoping for something more....

More Water For The City

So part of the city is flooding again. Not that I am surprised. I anticipated this would occur. I asked myself last night if hurricane season would be like this from now on and if so, do I want to deal with this every year. The answer to that question is no. I have thought a little about relocating. I am not too sure where to. I keep saying I will wait to see what my job will do, but for some reason it just keeps playing in my mind. If the office has to cut two thirds of its attorneys then I have a chance of being cut. I have thought about the possibility of my being cut and I don't know how I will receive it if it were to happen. Perhaps I am not worried for a reason. I keep telling myself I should be worried but I'm just not concerned. Maybe its because so much has already happened that anything else probably won't do as much harm. The thought of moving to Atlanta crept up in my head. It is a thriving city. And I could live on the outskirts of the city. I don't know, just a thought. I don't have anything holding me back and its not like I have to arrange to have any of my belongings moved from one state to another. Its just me, my few pairs of jeans, a few t-shirts, a few cd's, my fish, and my car. I think we all can fit into it. Like I said, just a thought.

No Time Soon

It appears as though we will not be back in the city for quite some time now. I really do miss parts of my life in the city. The only thing I really want to do is get back to my therapy. My job still has not made any cuts from the lawyer list. The boss has cut from the support staff, investigative staff and the administration staff. The attorney staff should be next. That will dictate how I plan. If he doesn't cut me, then I will stay and resume my therapy. If he cuts me, then I will have to figure out something else. I was speaking with my friend again tonight. He told me he missed me. It came as a shock to me and I got quiet. He asked me if I heard him and I said yeah but I was just shocked to hear him say it. There was a part of me that missed him too, but I didn't want to tell him because I didn't think he felt the same way nor wanted to hear it. I was honest with him and stated that I missed him too. He followed with he misses other things about the way his life was and he said he was sure there were other things that I may have missed more than him. I think that was his way of covering up additional conversation about what we shared with one another. I wasn't ready for any additional conversation. I was content with knowing that we mutually missed each other. To me it was the first time I experienced reciprocated feelings from a man. Even if it was a friendly I miss you from him, it was the same from me.

Taking A Toll

Today was not the best of days for me. Mentally I fell into one of those depressed states and found it hard to pull myself out. I felt drained mentally and physically. Everyone has had their lives turned upside down and people are so displaced from their families its unreal. Maybe I am just having a moment. Maybe I am worried about things that I can not control. A friend of mine said that the city may suffer more damage from the new hurricane threatening the Gulf. I said so what. I already know what can happen. Another flood will only improve the city considering damn near every home in the east has to be torn down. I will pull together eventually, but I see now it will take longer than I had hoped to rebuild the city and myself.

Back In Jackson

This morning I got off of work at 8:00 am. I could not sleep last night. Probably because I was lying on a cot and the men in the room had the television blasting. I told myself on the ride home that I will lift my spirits and begin to focus on making my situation better. I need to understand that this will not happen in a day but I do need to take affirmative steps. I have not exercised in a week and I feel as though I have gained weight. So my intentions are to exercise tonight. My friend and I have been calling each other more often. I don't know why. I think he thinks I am not too happy. I also think he is checking in on me to make sure I am not going over the deep end. I told him today that I wanted to adopt a dog. I have a fish but I can only interact with a fish to a certain degree, if at all. A dog is more attentive. I would get a cat but I am allergic to them. I love cats. They are the most independent creatures on the face of the earth. My friend told me instead of getting a dog, I should consider getting a bigger fish. He doesn't think I have the time to train a dog. He is right but I think I just want a companion and a dog is loyal to its master. I saw a dog today and it walked up to me waiting for me to pet it. I played with him for a while until he moved on to the next person that came in. He was a friendly dog. Otherwise my day did not entail much. Just a drive home and some sleep. Maybe tomorrow will be promising. Till then....

My Day Helping Out

Today I started my 24 hour shift for the office. Why we are working such long shifts, I do not know. I also found out today that the top official will soon make determinations on who to keep and who to cut. I don't know how I feel about that because I can look at this in two ways. If they keep me, then maybe I am supposed to stay in the city. If they let me go, perhaps this is an opportunity to look somewhere else and start over. I saw my sisters house yesterday. Completely messed up. Nothing salvageable, though her husband took a few pictures. My dad couldn't even get in his house because the furniture was tossed around inside blocking the doors. But he was able to look inside and noticed it was a mess and probably nothing savageable either. I could not get to my apartment. There was still three or four feet of standing water. I am sure there is nothing savageable in there either considering it is right there by Lake Ponchatrain. Being back in the city has aroused some frustration and uncertainty. Being here has made me realized how much I have lost, and how much things will never be the same. I may never be the same. Everytime I think about what I have gone through so far this year gets me a little choked up. Quite frankly, I really don't want to talk about it to anyone. I am beginning to feel that pain inside that is so deep that it is embedded in my stomach and it gives me chills just thinking about my year. When I think about it, its just me. Everyone else I know has someone to start over with. I have other friends who lost some things but not everything. I have lost everything and I feel like I am truly in the battle by myself. I think for the most part, there is a portion of me that feels as though it isn't even worth starting over. Mentally I feel like I don't want to deal with it. The more I write, the more I feel like crying. I will end now.....

On The Road Again

My job has asked me to work a Sunday shift so that means I have to drive to New Orleans on Saturday. Almost everyone who knows I am going has asked me to check on their home. My sister wants me to grab some things from her home if I can get in. She was naming so much stuff I had to tell her that my car is small and there may be some items from my apartment that I want to bring with me if I can. Items such as my clothes so that I can put them in a dry cleaner if at all possible. There are a few homes I will look at while I am there. My parents home, my sister home, my apartment, my best friend home and my close friend home. The only guy that I go out with wants me to grab his glasses from his home if the door is open. I told him I would do it. All in all, I have to experience the devestation for everyone. I found one of my cop friends who will go with me because I do not want to go by myself. I am praying for the best but I am mentally preparing myself for the worst. Will write again with the details....

A Good Day

So far today has been lovely. I have not been too concerned about much though I know at some point I need to focus on other employment just in case my job tells me that I no longer work there. My best friend is closer to me now. I just wish she visit a doctor to check her pregnancy status. She is due in November and I am worried about her. Maybe not so much worried but I just want to make sure she and the baby are fine. My dad's job may be moving him to Houston until the medical school is back to normal in New Orleans. I have made no clear cut decision about my next move. It is hard to think about it. Something in me is telling me to wait but I don't know why. Maybe it is to see what I can salvage at home. Maybe it is to see if my job will ask me to stay. I do know that I want to return to the city because I think it will be better now. But in the back of my mind I know I want to go back to my therapy sessions. If I am not sure of anything else right now, I know for certain I want to do that much. I owe it to myself.

So Far...

As of to date, I am okay mentally. I am trying to hold on to whatever sanity I have left. But for the most part, I am glad I can smile and laugh everyday. Some news is good, other news is discouraging. I don't know what is left of my apartment, but I am sure it is not much. The nightmares are every night now. I wake up in the middle of the night in a frenzy. The smallest sound is waking me up again. I am trying to find the strong point in me that will enable me to persevere. But I am sure when I go home to see what has become of the city and my belongings that will cause a permanent indentation on my brain. I have to go to Jefferson Parish on Thursday to make my way into the city for my job. I will see first hand what the city looks like after the destruction of Hurricane Katrina. Pray for me....

Any Meaning

Is there truly a meaning to all of this? I woke up this morning and asked myself why should I go through the trouble of seeking and obtaining another job when everything can be taken away from me in the blink of an eye. Maybe I am living for the wrong things. Maybe my life should be as basic as possible so that when I lose everything it won't hurt as much. What is the sense or meaning in this thing we call life? Why did I work hard for so many years and in the end incur a education loan that I can not pay back because of the horrible pay employers want to give people? In February when my peace of mind as I knew it was taken from me, all I had left was my career. Now that has been washed away too so it seems. What else is next to go?

Another Day

Last night when I went to bed I couldn't fall asleep. Nothing different from any other night. Lately, I have been having dreams about drowning. I have always had a phobia about water and the storm added to that fear I suppose. I spoke with a close friend of mine and she was telling me how to take it one hour at a time and try to be organized throughout all of this. She is a mentor of mine. She recently lost her father. Not from the storm. Her father was ill and she was explaining how everything happening in New Orleans has prevented her from mourning, not to mention plan for his funeral since people are displaced right now. She lives in Jefferson Parish so she faired pretty well throughout the storm which is a good thing. She expressed her concern for me considering she knows the extent of what I am dealing with past the hurricane. She is the only person who has the capability to put everything into perspective for me. She has such a fine insight on things its amazing. I guess she is right. This is something that would require not only taking one day at a time, but maybe even an hour at a time because it is so massive and can easily make someone not motivated to do anything. So I guess I will take her advice and move things at a reasonable pace and try not to be so depressed about things.

Motivation?

I have no motivation. But there are several factors contributing to that. What is interesting to me is that I am not motivated to help myself because there are other people who are worst off than I am. Am I wrong for feeling that way? Why is it that I place myself last when it comes to help. When I fell victim to a sexual assault, I decided not to press charges because of my concern for other people who could be effected (like his wife and children). I didn't want to take attention from other victims who experienced far worst than what I did. I didn't want to contribute to a growing docket in a crime infested city. And now, all I see are other people who need money, clothes and food more than I do. I don't know what is wrong with me but for some reason I refuse to help myself. The last thing my therapist told me to do was to learn to take care of me. But when motivation is lacking, what do you do?

Another Day

So here it is day two in Jackson, MS. Its not so bad. All I need to do is be able to find gas and I will be alright. I hope everyone else is well. I do not think I will be going to Roxie, MS by my grandmother this weekend. I think I might stay put. Her fussing about little things began to annoy me considering she had relatives in her home who has lost all of their belongings. One of those relatives being her firstborn child. Its amazing how people do not put things into perspective until it happens to them. I guess that is part of human error. As a prosecuting attorney, I have truly learned how blessed I have been throughout my life compared to most people. Granted I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth, but I wasn't dirt poor either. Unfortunately, I am not sleeping at night again. There are two items sticking out in the forefront of my mind. The rape that happened to me and now the flood. Believe it or not, but mentally I have drawn a line between the two and my mind is trying to find ways to escape both of them. But how do you make the mind forget about traumatic experiences. Particularly when everytime I turn on the tv I see the gulf coast states/new orleans. If its not that, then my mind is occupied with someone attacking me. I think somewhere along the way I will cope. But what would it take to change things in my life. In some ways, I am trying to look at this flood as being a cleansing period. I guess in a way, perhaps the start of a new life for me. Or is it God's way of saying even if I took you away from your everyday surroundings, would things really be any different. The same pain is still present. The same sleep pattern is still there. The same distrust is still there. The same fears are still there. I guess really there is no running from it. Only dealing with it. Maybe someday I will have a story to tell. I just pray its one of hope for whoever is listening.

Reality Sights

I am tired of trying to find an aerial shot of my apartment complex so I have just conceded to the fact that my apartment and everything contained within are under water. That is a bitter pill to swallow, but at least I have my life and a few clothes with some money. I guess when its all said and done, I could be doing worst. My office has plans to resume work tomorrow at a prison facility in orleans parish. If it is good I will go, but I need a place to sleep. I have located two of my friends I was most concerned about. I am so anxious to see my friends and family it is unbelievable. For anyone who stumbles upon this site, please pray for me and everyone similarly situated. Mentally I don't know how much more I can take considering everything that happened to me in February. What else can I add to the list to tell my psychiatrist?!

Starting Over

So it is official. I no longer live in New Orleans. I have lost everything and I have to start from the ground up. I lost everything. My clothing, shoes, furniture, books, cd's, dvd's, poetry..... I don't know what to do. I am trying to tell myself be thankful I got out with my life. But that is extremely hard to do. I will begin to look for a job in a neighboring parish or state. Till then.....