I Don't Know What It Is

What I do know is that I am confused about someone in particular. Last week, my friend from Brooklyn informed me that he wanted to come to New Orleans to see me for Christmas. I was kind of shocked because I figured he would be spending it with his girlfriend. I asked him what his plans were after I told him mine and he told me that he didn't have any plans. I asked him if he was going to see his girlfriend and he said no. Well yesterday he informed me that he and her not only no longer lived together, but were no longer dating. In addition to that, he also informed me that she gave him back the engagement ring. I paused at first because that wasn't something he informed of. I waited to see if he would tell me why he never told me he was engaged and when the explanation didn't come, I asked him. He told me that he didn't tell me because he knew the relationship was going south before he met me. That still didn't sit well with me. Because of the distance between us and the likelihood that nothing will seriously materialize between us, I let it go. But still I think that says something about him. I told my best friend about it and she said even if it was innocent, he sounds like rebound material. He proceeded to ask me if we could see each other at the end of January or early February. I told him I would check my calendar and get back with him. The first thing that came to my mind was my friend in Minnesota. He told me that he would possibly be in New Orleans at the end of January or early February if he could make the trip. I certainly don't want to miss seeing him should he come into town. To hear me say that really shocked my best friend. I can't really explain why I am considering my friend in Minnesota. I know that I don't need to be in a relationship now because there is so much about myself that I need to focus on. But at the same expense, I don't want to do anything to possibly jeopardize the outcome of what I think could someday materialize. I wish I could explain my feelings for him, but for some reason I can not put it in words. Maybe someday it will all come full sircle and make sense. As for Brooklyn, maybe that will fizzle out without any effort on my part.

How Much Do I Need To Take!!!

Yesterday I went to the doctor because I wasn't feeling any better. The doctor told me that I have a respiratory infection. She prescribed Allegra D and Amoxicilan. After that appointment, I had to visit the psychiatrist. I explained to her that the three pills a day of the Wellbutrin was affecting me so bad that I could not control my nerves. First she told me to take at least two pills and then work my way back up to three. I didn't want to do that because I was extremely scared of the side effects. So instead she wants to keep me on the Wellbutrin and she prescribed a new antidepressant called Cymbalta. So now I am on two antidepressants because she said I didn't look happy and that during the time I was taking the Wellbutrin, I should have experienced a better mood swing but I didn't didn't. I don't know what to do. I am scheduled to see her on January 18. I am seriously contemplating not going back after that. I don't want to take all of this medicine. After reading about all of the possible side effects, it just makes me nervous about all of it. There is a side of me that wants to take this stuff just for the sake of saying I tried and maybe that way, she will stop prescribing all of this stuff. I just want to feel normal again.

Feeling Better Today

I decided not to go to work this morning. I figured I needed to rest before I actually go around people. I did however go to my weekly sessions. We talked some more about what happened to me. I even talked about my friend who is states away from me right now. She agreed with me when she said that it is probably a good thing that he and I are apart right now. I guess there are some things that I have to be sure of before I jump feet first into anything with him right now. I walked away with a good sense of understanding things. We talked about blame today. I am still in a phase where I am blaming myself for placing myself in that situation. Don't get me wrong, I think he has blame in this as well. I guess hindsight is always 20/20. I still wish I hadn't anwered the phone that night. But I also wish that he would have been more of a friend rather than the monster I saw that night. Everytime I think about it I go into shock because I thought this was someone that I knew; someone that I trusted. My counselor says that this experience will teach me to set boundaries. My only fear is that I might set boundaries so far away from me that I don't allow anyone new to come into my life. I guess that is why I didn't want to rush into anything with my friend who left the state. I just want to make sure that if I like him, then it is for the right reasons. I have always thought that overall he is a good guy, but he like myself have our opinions about relationships/marriage. I won't see my counselor for about two weeks due to the holidays. I will see the psychiatrist this coming Wednesday. I will explain to her the side effects of the Wellbutrin that I was experiencing. Maybe she will just allow me to reduce the dosage. I spent enought money on this medicine so I would like to give it another try. Well I am going to eat something so that I can take some more medicine. Will chat later....

It Has Gotten Worst

Well I just had to go to Alabama this weekend. Thursday I woke up feeling a little bad. Friday I was a little better, but I should have followed my first mind and stayed home this weekend. I didn't want to upset my cousin because she was expecting me. I arrived Friday night and Saturday morning I was okay. Not one hundred percent though. This morning I woke up and it was downhill from there. I just made it back home and I ate some soup and drank juice with some medicine. I am about to go to sleep and try to get ready for tomorrow. I will chat later....

Not Feeling So Good Today

This morning when I woke up, my throat felt a little funny. I didn't think much of it and just prepared for work. After I got to work, I began to feel more of a scratchy feeling in my throat. I stayed at work for a little while longer and at about noon, I went home. I stopped at the store and purchased a few items like juice, medicine, and soup. I have to medicate myself because I don't want to be sick. I spoke to my friend in Minnesota last night. We talked for a good while. I think we communicate better since we have been apart. Before the storm, whenever we talked on the phone it wouldn't be for long because it was as if we were looking for something to say to each other. Now that we are states apart, talking to him is easier. I think I open up more to him now than what I did before. I don't know what is prompting the change in me, but I am comfortable with it. I hope he does fine where he is. As for me, I am still not sure what it is that I want to do. I am going back and forth with looking for another job in another state, or whether I should just stay put and be a part of revamping our criminal justice system. It will never be what it was; which isn't necessarily a bad thing. I would hope that with a new system there will be increased funding that will pave the way for me repaying student loans and possibly looking into becoming a homeowner. Maybe things will be on the up and up. I am looking forward to 2006. I want it to be brought in with good thoughts and good feelings. I want to be around the people I love most and become a better person not only to others, but most importantly to myself. I have to learn how to take care of me. Maybe that will be my slogan for '06. Watcha think?

Nothing To Do Tonight

I'm bored. Its been a while since I have visited my blog. I have been sleeping a lot lately. Monday night I came home and got in the bed at 7:30 pm. I woke up at 8:00 the following morning. Either I am that tired or lazy. You guys pick. Its raining tonight and the lightening is getting to me. Aside from that remember the guy I met who is from Brooklyn. Well he has started calling again. We email each other often, but the phone calls had slacked because it was easier to email. At least in my opinion it was easier to email. He mentioned that he wants to see me. I want to see him too, but I guess I am being cautious. He asked if he could come here or if I would prefer to come see him. He offered to take care of the accomodations. The only problem is that he is dating someone. He constantly tells me how he and her no longer have anything in common, but isn't that what they all say. Why shouldn't I proceed with caution? I am attracted to him which is all the more reason for me to be careful. Granted I don't know what type of relationship he and her have, but I certainly don't want to become "the other woman." He asked if we could take things slow and see where this road takes us. I said sure but I want him to keep in mind that I am looking at the reality of things and because he has someone, I am not going to put much stock into it. In addition to that, we are miles apart. I won't shut the door completely, but I won't leave it wide open to allow heartache to come in and make a nesting place in my heart either.

Good News Bad News

The good news is I enjoyed my birthday. My co-workers gave me a surprise birthday party and a $175.00 gift certificate to Tower Records. I was truly caught off guard and that certainly made my day. Bec I have to say that you truly have a way with words that enables a person to see things clearly. Trucker I appreciate the support and encouragement that everything will be okay. Thank you to both of you.

However, the day took a turn for the worst. The wellbutrin that I started taking this past Monday began to kick while I was at work. I was sitting down reading a file when my hands began to shake uncontrolably. My speech was affected as well because I would stutter trying to finish sentences but my nerves were preventing that. I became upset at that point and had to force myself to not cry about it. I called my cousin, who is a nurse, and she told me that feeling that way is a side effect. This lasted practically for the remainder of the day. I was also upset because if my doctor decides to take me off of the medicine should the symptoms not go away, then I will have wasted $115.00. So, I got past that and went home and my dad treated me to dinner. As we were leaving the restaurant around nine o'clock a good friend of mine called. The person whom I play pool with. She was in a car accident and her car was totaled. She only complained of neck pains and she too could not stop shaking. I stayed with her at the hospital until three o'clock in the morning when she was released and I had to find an all night pharmacy to get her prescriptions filled for her because when the medicine the doctor gave her wears off, she will feel the pain and I didn't want her to be in pain while she waits for someone to go get her prescription filled. I made it home at five o'clock and I slept for a few hours. I have decided to go to work. I took the medicine this morning and I am feeling the same effects along with some additional side effects. I started to cry again because it seems like nothing is working and if anything, the medicine is causing me to think about the rape more often. If I stay at home, I will be depressed and I don't want to cry again. I will continue to take medicine to see if things change for the better. If things do not change, then it will prove to be time and money wasted.

Not The Right Move

Yesterday I went to the Taekwondo class and thought it was overall beneficial. It certainly is a self defense course and it teaches/reinforces discipline. Prior to class beginning, I asked the instructor if the course teaches how to execute moves to prevent an attack. He said that the course goes through defense tactics. So I watched the class in its entirety, but I felt intimidated. During the segment of self defense moves, there was a scenario if someone was attacked by a knife, gun, cane, stick, or just simply attacked from behind. All of which are important to know. But my mind was looking for a defense move to get someone off of me who is trying to rape me, and I didn't see a defense mechanism for that. In that moment I became intimidated all over again. I felt weak and powerless. Then my mind kept replaying the incident in my head and I couldn't get it out of my mind. I didn't sleep last night. I cried for a while and tried to forget, but the anxiety had already settled within me. I will continue to think about the self defense course because I know it is also a way to strengthen a person not only physically but mentally. For now, I think I will go back to the piano lessons. Music has always comforted me.

But on a brighter note. Today is my day. I am officially 32 and I am looking forward to celebrating/recognizing my day. I don't know how I will do that however. Last year I was in a trial that took all day. But so many people came by court or called me to wish me a happy birthday. My co-workers also had a cake for me and a big card that everyone signed. It really made my day. This year I know will be different because everyone has so much on their plates, but that didn't stop me from telling everyone about the most important day of THEIR life; my birthday. Cheers everyone!!!!!

Self Defense

I have decided that I want to learn how to defend myself should someone try to subdue me again. I am thinking about Tae Kwon Do. (did I spell that right?) Anyway you get the point. It was either that or karate. I am told karate is more aggressive and Tae is more self defense and teaches inner peace; which is something I would like to achieve. I go to the gym every now and then but it doesn't teach self defense. My dad told me to get a gun, but I would prefer not to shoot anyone and then have to explain to 12 people in a box that it was self defense. I found a course out here in Metairie and I was invited to stop by and check things out. If I sign up for a year, then I will pay $49.00 a month. I guess that is a good rate. I know these classes can be expensive. I think the adult class meets one night out of the week. I think I can commit to that. I will find out more about it when I go there today. It was said to me once before that women only join those classes when something either happens to them or to someone close to them. I guess that person was right after all.

Now It All Makes Sense

Here goes. On December 7th, I will be 32. That is this coming Wednesday. Waaaayyyyy back in June or July, I told myself that I will not be depressed on my birthday and that I will enjoy it no matter what. So far I have stayed true to that mental note. Despite a rape and a hurricane, I am still looking forward to my birthday. In the past, I have not been so happy on my birthday's and I think it started somewhere after I turned 25. You see; after 25 people in the African American culture expect you to either be married, have a child (or children), or they expect you to have both. Well I was raised to stay more focused on my career as well as my mother telling me ever since I was maybe seven or eight years old that the only thing I need a man for is "a good fuck." Today at 31 I of course have my career and I have never been in a meaningful relationship because 99% percent of the men that I have dealt with were on a sexual basis. I only dated one guy and that was for only six months. (That was back in1996 so in 2006 that will mark a ten year single status but who's counting) Everybody else meant nothing to me and either I wasn't bothered with them or I had sex with them. In recent years, I have been criticized by other family members with them saying I am too selfish, I don't know how to treat a man, I don't know how to be honest with men, I am not motherlike, I don't like children, or they question whether I am gay. Yesterday when I spoke to my mom, some of her relatives kept asking her if I was dating anybody or if I have an interest in anybody, and my mom said that I used to date someone and she isn't sure if there is anybody else. I asked her why did they want to know and she said they asked because my birthday is coming up and I will be 32 without being involved with anybody and they asked because I looked sad for Thanksgiving and I didn't talk to anybody and I picked over my food. I recently lost all of my belongings to a hurricane how else am I supposed to look or act. Forgive me if I am not cheerful, but I have more on my mind than they can possibly fathom. I finally see that my family is the reason why I am depressed about my birthday. They have placed so much on my shoulders that I, in the past, have maitained or try to maintain what they think I should be. I do not hate children, I am not motherly probably because I don't have any kids, and I am not gay. I will get married when I am ready to do so mentally just as soon as I can erase my mind of what I have been taught about men. Can someone say get off my back?

Winter Cleaning

Today I cleaned my carpet finally. I saw some ants in my carpet today also but I don't know where they are coming from. I found a central location for them and I think they are coming from behind a wall. I will definitely tell management about that. I also cleaned my jewelry today. I was only able to clean the items that were real gold or silver. I have to get another solution for the sterling silver jewelry that I bought and my watches. Tomorrow I will continue with my cd's if I don't pick them back up tonight. I am still waiting on FEMA or SBA to decide whether they will give me money for furniture and clothing. Other than that my day was fine and productive. I guess I will cook something tonight. I am limited on cooking utensils. But I should be able to put something together.

Different Sides

I went to bed last night at three o'clock in the morning. Largely because that was the time I made it home after playing pool and drinking. I didn't care that I had to be up at six o'clock to go to work. But what I thought about as I was drifting off to sleep was that there are different sides of my personality that wants to be in charge. Not that I am crazy and need to institutionalized, but I feel like I am being pulled in so many directions. The one side that keeps dictating what I do is the side that wants to drink more. I have always supressed that person because I know what she is capable of and I don't want to be that person again, but at the same expense I know I shouldn't be drinking because I have to take that medicine. But I want to drink because it helps me not think about what is troubling me. Another side wants to be compassionate. Another side wants to say to hell with everybody and think about yourself. Another side wants to be involved with someone and another part wants to be alone. It is the most confusing thing to me because I don't know who to be. I want to be the best lawyer in the world and another side of me hates practicing law. I don't know if its because I have been told all my life what I need to do. And to some degree, I think I am at a crossroad because I want to be one way but I am scared of what others may say or think. I feel like I am not living my life in a way that will make me happy. But what is happiness really. Many people spend their entire lives trying to find what makes them happy. I don't know what to think. Maybe I am making something out of nothing.