Different Sides

I went to bed last night at three o'clock in the morning. Largely because that was the time I made it home after playing pool and drinking. I didn't care that I had to be up at six o'clock to go to work. But what I thought about as I was drifting off to sleep was that there are different sides of my personality that wants to be in charge. Not that I am crazy and need to institutionalized, but I feel like I am being pulled in so many directions. The one side that keeps dictating what I do is the side that wants to drink more. I have always supressed that person because I know what she is capable of and I don't want to be that person again, but at the same expense I know I shouldn't be drinking because I have to take that medicine. But I want to drink because it helps me not think about what is troubling me. Another side wants to be compassionate. Another side wants to say to hell with everybody and think about yourself. Another side wants to be involved with someone and another part wants to be alone. It is the most confusing thing to me because I don't know who to be. I want to be the best lawyer in the world and another side of me hates practicing law. I don't know if its because I have been told all my life what I need to do. And to some degree, I think I am at a crossroad because I want to be one way but I am scared of what others may say or think. I feel like I am not living my life in a way that will make me happy. But what is happiness really. Many people spend their entire lives trying to find what makes them happy. I don't know what to think. Maybe I am making something out of nothing.