Now It All Makes Sense

Here goes. On December 7th, I will be 32. That is this coming Wednesday. Waaaayyyyy back in June or July, I told myself that I will not be depressed on my birthday and that I will enjoy it no matter what. So far I have stayed true to that mental note. Despite a rape and a hurricane, I am still looking forward to my birthday. In the past, I have not been so happy on my birthday's and I think it started somewhere after I turned 25. You see; after 25 people in the African American culture expect you to either be married, have a child (or children), or they expect you to have both. Well I was raised to stay more focused on my career as well as my mother telling me ever since I was maybe seven or eight years old that the only thing I need a man for is "a good fuck." Today at 31 I of course have my career and I have never been in a meaningful relationship because 99% percent of the men that I have dealt with were on a sexual basis. I only dated one guy and that was for only six months. (That was back in1996 so in 2006 that will mark a ten year single status but who's counting) Everybody else meant nothing to me and either I wasn't bothered with them or I had sex with them. In recent years, I have been criticized by other family members with them saying I am too selfish, I don't know how to treat a man, I don't know how to be honest with men, I am not motherlike, I don't like children, or they question whether I am gay. Yesterday when I spoke to my mom, some of her relatives kept asking her if I was dating anybody or if I have an interest in anybody, and my mom said that I used to date someone and she isn't sure if there is anybody else. I asked her why did they want to know and she said they asked because my birthday is coming up and I will be 32 without being involved with anybody and they asked because I looked sad for Thanksgiving and I didn't talk to anybody and I picked over my food. I recently lost all of my belongings to a hurricane how else am I supposed to look or act. Forgive me if I am not cheerful, but I have more on my mind than they can possibly fathom. I finally see that my family is the reason why I am depressed about my birthday. They have placed so much on my shoulders that I, in the past, have maitained or try to maintain what they think I should be. I do not hate children, I am not motherly probably because I don't have any kids, and I am not gay. I will get married when I am ready to do so mentally just as soon as I can erase my mind of what I have been taught about men. Can someone say get off my back?