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Last week was kind of good for me. On Tuesday, I went to my therapy session and the next day I was actually calm and happy. I wasn't talkative at all during the session and I walked away depressed. But I forced myself to take something positive out of all of the pain that had circulated around the room. After thinking about the good things that I heard, I was okay. I slept good that night and court was a breeze for me. I didn't feel like I was under a lot of pressure as I normally feel. I am still a little paranoid about living by myself. I need to save money to get an alarm put on my apartment. I have decided to take affirmative steps again towards job hunting. I have a couple of places in mind that I am trying to become involved with. I am hoping that both places present me with an opportunity. In the back of my mind sits the idea of buying a home or building one. In December, I will be 32 so I think it is something I should begin to consider and be smart/realistic about it. If everything goes according to plan with a new job, then I will begin to lay the groundwork. I want to go see a movie tonight. I will call my best friend to see if she wants to go. If not, then I will go by myself. My sister can't go because she is taking her son to see some play for kids. The theater shouldn't be too packed, so a crowd shouldn't be an issue.
Last night was the worst I have experienced so far. I could not sleep because all I kept thinking about was two of my victim files. By the time I got out of bed this morning, my shirt was wet from me sweating like I had been running in a marathon. Today I told my supervisor that I wanted to be transferred to screening. I told him I don't want to move there definitely, but only temporary. He asked how long and I told him about six months at best. I just need time to take care of me for a moment. If I can spend most of my time helping victims, why can't I take an opportunity to help myself. Last night was the most restless night and aggravating night I have had thus far...
Lately I have been having these nightmares that have been keeping me awake at night and as a result, I don't feel safe in my apartment anymore. The most recent one I had was Wednesday night/Thursday morning. The first dream I had involved me, my sister and my nephew. We were in a store and we lost sight of my nephew. When we found him, all I could think about was that someone molested him in that short period of time. I woke up from that dream and had another one. The next dream entailed me helping a friend of my dad whom my dad has known before I was born. So needless to say, I have known this friend of the family for 31 years. In the dream I was helping him with something legal and somehow we wound up by ourselves and he was trying to rape me. I woke up from that dream and then had another one. That dream involved this guy that I am prosecuting for rape putting a gun to my head trying to rob me. I woke up from that dream and when I fell asleep, I woke up to a woman screaming. Who the woman was or why she was screaming I have no idea. Last night when I sleeping, I heard someone knocking on the door to one of my neighbors apartment. For some reason, my mind thought someone could have been knocking on my door and trying to get in. My heart started racing and I started sweating because all I could see was him at my door trying to get in. All I want to do is step away from what I do on a daily basis. I want to come to work, sit at a desk and leave at five o'clock. I just want to think and help myself get back on track. But that is the hardest thing in the world right now. I go through these moments when I get pissed off with everything and everybody and I am tired of that shit. I don't trust people because of what I do and I don't trust men because of what happened. I feel like I am fucking retarded!
Today is Saturday and I got little rest but I did some things I wanted to do. I wanted to go out with someone this weekend but I had no one to hang with. So I did what I do best. Chilled by myself. I went to Victoria's Secret and treated myself. Two items cost me all of $75.00. I won't complain however. I got my car back this weekend. It feels so good being in my car. I missed it so much. Now I know why men love cars so much. My car has always been my place of serenity. Its just me, my music, and the car. And the thrill of letting the world go by around me while I am in my own little world listening to music is the greatest thing to me. If I could ride around all day not being bothered with no one else I would. The older I get, the more introverted I become. Life as I know it scares me, so I escape through music. If I had to do it all again, I would have become a composer. I love music just that much. I would venture to say I love music more than I love the law. Anyway I am about to go home. I stopped by my mom to say hi. My dad gave me a bottle of Crown Royal. I am going home to drink. Goodnight......
Here it is April 13 and I am just now writing on my blog. So much has happened, but so little has changed. I have been busy with jury trials, busy with motion hearings and I am exhausted. Every morning I wake up and remind myself to tell someone I am fed up with trials. But at the end of the day, I get ready to do it all over again. Maybe I am just as crazy as my judge. Maybe I feel a certain level of responsibility to my supervisors and my victims. Maybe I am becoming more of a dull person. Maybe I am becoming so prone to this life of nothing outside of what I do that it is blinding me. I don't know. But what I do know is at the end of the day, its just me when I go home and that makes me think. The other day, a co-worker of mine asked me if I wanted her to set me up with someone. I kind of brushed it off not really saying no. But I just don't think I am ready for that. I asked myself why and then the first thing that came to my mind was something negative. What if that person does the same thing this person did. That experience is still lingering and its reinforced by other factors and opinions. I had dinner with my sister last weekend and I looked across the room and saw this older lady having dinner by herself. Now perhaps she just wanted to eat alone that night. Who's to say. But seeing that scared me. I instantly saw myself that way. My best friend is expecting. I was so elated that I thought to myself how pathetic I am. Come December, I will be 32 and I am no where near family status. For the most part, I guess I am scared of all of the uncertainties. It sucks when you're an intelligent person and your mind thinks beyond what it needs to because ultimately that thought process lays the foundation and path that we eventually follow. The path known as depression.
