Latest Development

I visited the psychiatrist last week and I must admit I thought she was extremely good. She said that I have all of the symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder and she prescribed zoloft and ambien. My frustration came when I had to foot the bill for the medicine. Not only am I paying out of pocket to see these doctors, I am also footing the bill for the medicine. What in the hell am I paying health care benefits for!!! Nothing is covered under my plan. But I will no longer complain about that. I have not purchased the medicine yet. I have an appointment with my therapist on the 29th of this month and I have to go back to the psychiatrist on the 2nd of September. I am thinking about relocating to another city. For some reason I don't think there is anything in this city for me. That includes both career life and personal life. I love my friends and family but at times I get really depressed about my situation and I feel like I need a change. I don't know what to do. Something else crept up in my head the other day. In eight months I will have been single for ten years. My last relationship was in April '96 and I have not been in a relationship since that. That is bothering me for some reason. I almost think it is pathetic. Will write soon....

Preparing For Phase II

I won't see my therapist for a little over two weeks, but she wants me to use this time to prepare going into phase two of our sessions. In phase two, I will work on taking care of myself, my self esteem and we will begin discussing the "incident." I am gearing up to tell her everything that happened that night. I am sure she will question the same things that I question but I have to work through this somehow. On Tuesday, I will undergo this psychiatric evaluation. The outcome of this is to see if I need to take prescribed medicine to help me sleep and concentrate, thereby diminshing my stress, anxiety, and depression. I am not sure what to expect and I am somewhat on edge about it for some reason. Today is my dad's birthday. I didn't have any additional funds to treat him to something. I hope he understands. A lot has been on my mind lately. Friday when I got home, I sat on my sofa and watched tv. It was 6:30 pm. I found myself waking up at 7:00 pm. I decided to get into bed and I did not wake up until the next day. I guess I was catching up on all of the sleep I have been lacking. Saturday I was busy but I think I relaxed a little. I anticipate being in a trial on Monday morning. I will be out on Tuesday, so that leaves Wednesday to prepare for. Thursday and Friday, my judge will be out of town. So I get a two day break from him. Will write later....

My Week Back In Session

This week in court was not bad at all. Only draining. My new junior had two trials. One judge the other jury and she lost both. I told her that she did fine and that it wasn't her fault. The witnessess were just bad. She really did an excellent job in my opinion. I just hated to see her lose her first two trials. It devasted me when I lost my first two judge trials, so I can imagine how she feels. Other than that, my therapy sessions have been going good. My therpist wants me to get the psychiatric evaluation for medicine. She thinks my situation is getting worst in terms of the depression, anxiety, and post traumatic stress, but she thinks I am making affirmative steps to help myself. After next week, she will have to take a two week break to take care of something for her career and she is offering to see only a few of her clients and she offered to see me. I told her that I didn't want to impose on her taking care of her business. She almost insisted but pulled back because she probable didn't want to force me to come in. She also stated that she did not want to go that long without seeing me because often times when she takes a break that long from her clients, the clients tend not to come back. I guess she was trying to avoid that with me. But I told her I will return because I have to update her on the evaluation I am going to on the 16th of this month. She just smiled and said that's right. I am still not sleeping well at night, but I guess I will be like this for quite some time until things get better. At my last session, we discussed quite a bit. She had a lot of questions for me, and pointed out the times when I did not answer her questions. All in all, the session helped me analyze some things and question other things. Maybe I am learning myself after all....