Still No Luck

Well I have been to New Orleans countless of times, and I still do not have a place to live. Either I get placed on a long waiting list or the people renting other places will not return my call after they meet me. They meet me and hand me an application, but that is as far as their kindness goes. Even after I tell them that I am an attorney upon their asking me what I do for a living, they still do not offer anything to me. Not to mention they are increasing the rent. It is really starting to arouse my anger. I am putting so many miles on my car it is ridiculous. I am getting so fed up. And to make matters worst, I have to be in court on November 14. I spoke with my friend in Minnesota and he has decided not to go to San Antonio after all. In fact, he is not sure anymore if he will go back to New Orleans. He is headed to San Francisco. Eventhough he does not have a place to live or a job waiting there for him. He will just take his chances. I am getting somewhat tired of everything right now including him. I hope everyone else has had a better weekend and Monday than I did.

Returning

I have been away from my blog for a little while now. Main reason being because I have been without internet access. Yesterday, I went apartment shopping in New Orleans. I came across someone who has some rental property. The cost is $700.00 a month. The place is small, but so cute on the inside. The outside will definitely fool a person. I could really make it cozy in there. I have a few more questions before I make a decision. I tried to post something a couple of days ago at a friends house, but I don't think it worked. The posting thanked truckdriver for his advice, and I also mentioned to bec that I would love to sit down and have coffee with her here in Jackson. If I get the apartment, then I would be living uptown, which would put me closer to my counselor. My friend also decided not to move to San Francisco. Though I believe that is subject to change. He is back and forth about so much. I will continue to look for something else in the city. But as it stands I may have to take the place that I saw. I will have to take the place because my boss called me the other day and informed me that court will resume on November 14th. So I need to be there. Hopefully I will write again soon. Again thank you to my blog buddies. I will be in touch.

Hey Guys

Hello everyone. It has been hard for me to get to my computer. My sister and I just moved into an apartment in Jackson so I do not have internet access yet. Bec, I would love to meet you. Hopefully I will have internet access before Wednesday. If I am not posting it is only because I don't have the internet connection yet. Truckdriver, I will keep in mind your advice. I am not ready to take the chance just yet. My counselor says that that is okay however, but we were supposed to work on that. My next appointment was supposed to have been August 29. But that was the same day the city flooded. I will keep in touch with you all as soon as I can. Take care and thank you....

I Hate This Feeling

Last night I went to bed upset because so many feelings and memories started to resurface. The things that I had once forgotten about began to depress me all over again. As a result, the anguish is now in the forefront of my mind again, and it has already dictated and ruined my day. Last night, all I kept seeing was that same doubt that I had about things before the storm. The worst part is, I am not near my counselor to express what I am going through. I guess I am upset because I didn't have to get to know my friend in Minnesota. His presence made me forget a lot of things. Coupled with the fact that I am not in my apartment anymore. Being there made me relive that incident every night. Now that he has plans to go elsewhere, I do not want to get to know anyone else. I don't want to meet new people. I am back to square one. Stuck in my shell.

Not So Happy Today

I spoke to my friend in Minnesota tonight. He informed me that he plans to move to San Francisco probably sometime next week. I have been to San Fran before. Spent two months there on an intership. I enjoyed every minute of it. There are plenty of job opportunities. More of a faster pace than the south. Besides why shouldn't he go. It doesn't make sense to wait around on a city that will take months if not years to rebuild. He also said that he had to go because he didn't want to live with "what if." I certainly couldn't ask him not to go. I didn't ask him not to go to Minnesota because I figured he had to do what he thought was best for him. In addition to that, I certainly couldn't tell him how I feel. I am sure Minnesota is not as intriguing as San Fran. He could easily fall in love with the city because it has so much personality. He asked my opinion of the city and I gave him all of the highlights. I even expressed how much I loved it and would like to go back. But I don't think I will be making the gesture to fly to San Fran. I think if it has to stop, then I shouldn't chase it. And perhaps that is what I have been doing all along. Chasing a dream.

Familiar Assistance

Today while I was in the middle of surfing the internet for jobs in another state, my therapist from New Orleans called me. I was worried that her home had been damaged and that she may not have decided to go back to the city. She said that she and her family faired out pretty well. She was contacting her clients to see if they were still interested in resuming counseling sessions. I told her that I was interested but right now I am in limbo because of my job and I am in another city/state. Because I felt like I was beginning to have a breakthrough with the counseling, I wanted to go back home for that reason. I must admit I haven't thought much about what happened in February since Hurricane Katrina shook up the gulf coast and New Orleans. As much as I want to forget about it, I know in order for me to actually heal, I have to finish counseling. Once before when I tried to call her office, the voicemail indicated that they were closed due to the storm. At that time I thought that maybe it would be a while before they are able to get back into the city and resume normal operations. Their office is located uptown, so I figured maybe it would not take as long provided their employees were able to live in their homes. Well now she is back and I can not get into the city because I have no place to live and possibly no place to work. I was happy to hear from her. With so much that has been going on, I figured she nor her co-workers may not have time to assist other people. They have to take care of themselves first right? That seems only fair. I guess I will have to wait it out and see. Someone told me to be patient and let "time" take its course. He know who he is and I guess he is right. Everytime I think I need to give up and leave the city, something happens to make me say wait and see because I just might be going back afterall. The guy I like plans to go back, the court system plans to be up and running next month, my family wants to go back, and now my counselor has called. That was good news to me.

Possible Bad News

Last night, a co-worker of mine called me and told me about a meeting our boss had with one of the judges in our courthouse. As it stands now, the courthouse expects to be up and running by next month. Whether our office will be functioning is a different story. We are still struggling for money to pay people. Well my boss asked the judge to consider having only four sections of court running because he only expects to have four prosecutors working(there is a total of 12 sections plus 5 sections of magistrate court). The judge told him he needed to have a prosecutor in all sections of court because all will be functioning. The part about four prosecutors made me think that he is cutting far more than what I anticipated. There is a total of at least 90 prosecutors which indicates how large our dockets once were. But for him to want to reduce it to only four just doesn't seem to be the best thing to me. He would have to have at least one prosecutor in each section of court; not to mention our appeals, juvenile, and screening divisions. All of those divisions needs prosecutors. I guess I am upset because my job is the only thing that I have connecting me to the city. Not to mention, my friend expects to go back there eventually as well. Now I am beginning to think he and I will be separated after all. Everytime I think I am taking a step forward, it always seems to be five steps backwards. I guess I just need to figure what to do next despite what my boss does.

Who Needs Enemies When You Have Family

I recently found out that a cousin of mine who was blessed to still have her home and her job has been less than polite to her mother and our grandmother. Because of the storm, my aunt (my cousins' mother) lost her home. This is the same mother who allowed her daughter and her family full access to her home in the past. This is the same mother who damn near lost her own home in the past trying to help her daughter with her bills and now she is being totally rude to her own mother. Our grandmother also lost her home in the storm as well. Last year on August 22, (my sisters' birhtday) we lost our grandfather. On August 29 of this year, my grandmother lost her home and none of my grandfathers' belongings could be salvaged. To add insult to injury, since my grandmother has been staying with my cousin, my grandmother gave my cousin seven hundred dollars WHICH MY COUSIN TOOK!!! How do you take money from your own grandmother? I wouldn't take seven dollars from my grandmother let alone seven hundred. How do you treat family like they are strangers. I couldn't believe that. When I see my cousin, it will take everything in me to say absolutely nothing.

Great News To Me

I know I posted something earlier, but I just received good news from my friend in Minnesota. He told me he plans go back to San Antonio until it is time to move back to the city. He is going to go back to New Orleans. I was so happy to hear him say that. In addition to that news, he expressed to me how much he missed spending time with me and being with me. He said that he and I will see each other one way or another. I was so happy to hear him say that. I was worried last night that he would decide to stay in Minnesota and forget all about me. I was so worried to the point that I was going to call him and tell him that I had changed my mind about flying there to see him. But that conversation was not necessary tonight. I can't wait to see him!!!!!

Close To Home

Tomorrow I will be in St. Gabriel, Louisiana. That is about forty-five minutes from New Orleans. I will not go to the city tomorrow because I will not be dressed accordingly. Hopefully I will be able to find out if I will have a job past this month. I wish our office would say something to us. I have already applied for a new job in Miami. I have to wait and see if they will extend interviews based upon whether the state of Florida will allow us to practice in Florida until we are able to take the bar examination. I am not sure if I am willing to move to Florida, but the more I think about it, the more I feel it may be time to move on. I keep thinking because I have lost everything else in the city, maybe the job is the next thing that will go. I am trying to brace myself for the worst. I haven't spoken to my friend in Minnesota in a couple of days. I guess I will call him tonight to see how he is doing. My friend from Brooklyn called me Friday and Saturday. He said his job may send him in Louisiana to help one of the correctional facilities. He wants to try and see me. I am trying not to get too close to him considering he is attached. And besides, I do have an interest in someone else who isn't attached. Why should I sell myself short right? Well, I have to go and exercise to clear my mind and think about a few things. Will write soon....

Decisions

What I do know is that I want to see him. I want to hold him, hug him, kiss him, and do the things that we normally do when we are together. I want to see him because I miss him. I am concerned about him and I guess I want to be a comforter to him. But I need to keep in mind that when I take this trip, that I am spending time with a friend. I shouldn't read more into it than what may or may not be there. I should embrace the thought that he wants to see his friend who he hasn't seen in weeks. I shouldn't look at this as his way of opening up and saying that he wants to be in a relationship. I think I should just go there, enjoy his company, enjoy the city, and just relax with him. That is a good idea. Just relaxing and not worry about anything else. I can't force a relationship, but I can live in that moment. That moment of feeling wanted . That moment of him wanting to spend time with me and see me despite what has been going on. That moment of him wanting to be with a friend. That moment of him wanting to be with me and me wanting to be with him. Its in those moments that we find peace. And those very same moments could give birth to more cherised moments if we are both willing. As it stands, I am willing. In this moment I am willing to make arrangements to fly to a city that I have never visited and spend time with my friend.

To My Surprise

Today I decided to call my friend in Minnesota. I was concerned about him because he didn't sound too happy yesterday when I spoke with him. Today he sounded a little better but he admitted to being homesick. He said he would probably stay there for about six months and then come home. I will give him another month to see if he changes his mind because a lot can happen between now and six months. Don't get me wrong, I would like to see him come home, but people lives take certain paths that we as humans don't expect. Life just kind of sneaks up on us without us actually looking for certain things or people. After about thirty minutes into the conversation, I decided to say goodnight to him. Before I said goodnight, he told me that hopefully next week he will have his own apartment and proceeded to say that maybe I can come there sometime next week. Now when I suggested to him that I would fly out to visit him I didn't think he would take me seriously. In fact, I wasn't even going to bring it up again because I didn't want to eat the cost of an airline ticket. After I paused, he stated he would pay half of the ticket. Which I thought was a nice gesture considering he and I are both somewhat in between jobs thanks to Hurricane Katrina. I told him once he gets his place, we will make arrangements then. He said okay then, goodnight sugar and hung up the phone. Now one side of me was saying maybe he really wants to see me and then another side was saying maybe he is just bored and needs company. I want to see him but I am afraid that maybe his desire to see me is not the same as my desire to see him. I am afraid that if I go, I may come back still only a friend. I truly see how now may not be the time to talk about relationships considering everything that is going on in our lives, but there is a part of me that wants more, but I just can't say it for some reason. So much is going through my head. I am too busy thinking that because of what happened in February maybe that is why I am considering all of this. I am also thinking maybe I want a relationship because of my age. But maybe, just maybe, there is a side of me that is yearning to experience something more than just sex or a friendship. Just maybe there is a side of me that wants to see if two people can experience something so meaningful and private that the public sees it without words being spoken. Maybe I want to experience love for a change.

It Wasn't So Bad Afterall

I saw my apartment today for the first time in about six or seven weeks now. Mold was everywhere and so was my furniture. The good news is I was able to get my poetry. The briefcase it was in was molded, but my journals were dry. It has that nasty smell to it, but the pages are dry. I was also able to retrieve four pairs of shoes out of about twenty or thirty pairs. All of my clothes were damaged and I could not find my jewelry because things were everywhere. My cd's were scattered about though there were some that were still in place. Because there was about four feet of water in my apartment, I believe all of my cd's were under water. Overall, I was happy to get my poetry. On a brighter note, my friend from Minnesota called me today. He appears to be settling a bit slowly into his new environment. I told him once he gets his place, I will fly out there and visit him. I have never been to Minnesota so it should be fun. He seemed happy about my gesture and offered to let me stay for as long as I like. I spoke with another friend of mine tonight who lives in DC. She offered to let me stay at her place while I look for a job in that area. I am interested in moving to DC. There is so much history and I enjoyed it for the two weeks that I was there. I am somewhat tired. I will get some rest and hopefully tomorrow will bring a more productive and informative day. Till then....

Some Good News, Other News Well...

So this afternoon, I was on the internet when I received a phone call from my friend in Brooklyn. I enjoy talking to him. He and I talked for a while. I had just sent him an email telling him a little bit more about myself. I didn't get in depth. I only scratched the surface. I was open about the guy who moved to Minnesota. I didn't tell him about other things that occurred in my life. I did not want to be that open at such an early stage. I love hearing his voice. Tomorrow I go to my apartment in New Orleans, or what's left of it. I am scared of what I may see. I don't know what to expect and I am sure I will cry once I see what damage has been done. My goal is only to retrieve the jewelry my parents have given me over the years. I just hope I don't have to dig through a lot of mud, mold and murk to get to it. Other than that, I expect everything else to be damaged. In addition to that, I read in USA Today that my boss anticipates having to close the office should the state not provide funding to the DA's Office. To me that meant look for another job. I submitted my resume to the State Attorney's Office in Miami. Maybe that will bring an opportunity my way. Overall my day was alright. Let's just hope I get through tomorrow...

A Somewhat Productive Day

Today I drove to Baton Rouge with my brother in law. I was able to put my name on the list to receive a new law degree and bachelor degree since both of mine were damaged in the storm. The only thing I have to do now is call the state bar association and find out if they will replace my license. I am hoping they will. That is the one I really want to frame. I saw and spoke to a few of my law professors. They were impressed with how well I moved up the ranks at the district attorney's office. It was good being back seeing a few familiar faces. The only thing I didn't miss was being on that campus. While I was in Baton Rouge today, my friend from Brooklyn called me. He stated that he is trying to get back to New Orleans so that he can see me. I will believe that when I see him. I was beginning to enter my phase of not trying to keep in touch with him. But he called trying to keep open the line of communications. I must admit I was happy to hear from him. It is good hearing his voice. I love the way he says my name. Now I just need him to say something in spanish for me. I am sure his accent is lovely. Maybe I will hear from him tomorrow. Maybe not. But in any event, it was good hearing from him.

On His Way

So my friend is on his way to Minnesota. He should arrive tomorrow. He said he wants to keep in touch but I know that is just generous talk. I don't anticipate seeing him anymore. I am sure he will get settled there and perhaps find an interest. I am not as upset as I thought I would be. For some reason I feel somewhat indifferent about his leaving. I guess it may be because I am not sure where this road will take me and it is easier for me to not deal with the thought of being attached to someone. Maybe his departure feeds into how I typically proceed with men. My friend pointed that out to me. I have always ran from relationships. Only one has kept my interest and that was damn near ten years ago. I guess as long as I don't have to try and express myself, it works out for the better. I wish him the best of luck. But I guess that chapter in my life is about to officially close. Considering I have no real reason to try and focus on rebuilding my life in that city, I guess I should pack up and move some place else. I will continue to look, and if the opportunity presents itself, then I will make a decision....

Cloudy In Jackson, Mississippi

Today in Jackson, it is cloudy. The whether is about to change. That means I have to stock up on winter clothes. My friend from Brooklyn emailed me. His flight landed safely. I am sure somewhere along the way we will lose contact. But it was nice to meet him. It reassured me that there are generous people on earth. I have not called my other friend who is displaced in Texas. I don't know what his plans are and I haven't thought about it for a couple of days now. I have looked a little more extensively into the DC area. Everything is up in the air right now. My life is just as cloudy as it is in Jackson right now. Nothing is clear to me anymore. Hopefully I will be able to just go along for this ride Katrina has placed me on. I hope I am up to the challenge mentally, physically and spiritually. Till then....

A Memorable Goodbye

Yesterday I was in St. Gabriel, Louisiana. After I left work, I decided to drive to New Orleans to see my friend before he goes back to New York. I noticed two things yesterday. First thing I noticed was that my job was in more of a shambles than I anticipated. I worked with my judge yesterday and some of his staff as well as some of my colleagues from the office, but I realized that I got a feeling that I usually get when I am growing too old for something. That "it is time to move on" feeling. Things just weren't the same. Everything is different, we're not in our office. Hell we aren't even in our city. I need to learn how to embrace change if I am ever going to move on to bigger and better things. I have decided to further my look in the DC area for a job. The second thing I noticed was I am truly drawn to the guy I met in New York. He expressed an interest similar to mine without me even saying a word. He was adament in helping me get to my apartment to see if I could salvage anything. He constantly looked out for my best interest. He was more than I ever expected out of any man. When I was leaving the city, he walked me to my car, gave me a hug and a kiss and kept looking back as he walked away. In that moment, I knew he was someone special to me. I will never forget him. He wants to keep in touch. I do too, but how realistic is that. He goes back to New York today. Where he will resume his normal life with his girlfriend. He and I talked so much about things last night. He called to see if I had made it back safely. I told him that I did not want to disrespect his lady. Which he understood and stated to me that I hadn't done that. I don't know why I am drawn to this man but I do know whoever she is, she is extremely lucky.

Starting To Come Back

I have to be in New Orleans tomorrow for 9:00 am. I may leave out tonight or tomorrow morning. I have thought a lot about everything and I have decided to try and look for something in the DC area. What have I got to lose? I have to make plans for me. My parents should be in town today. I am still waiting on my laptop to arrive. I am not sure if I will have to be in court on Wednesday. They are still ironing out the plans. My aunt will let me stay with her while I am in the city. I am trying to hold out to see if my office will set up shop near the city or in the city. This will dictate where I begin my search for a new apartment. I miss so much about the city. I miss shooting pool with my friends. I miss going by my best friend house talking to her and her boyfriend about any and everything. I miss droping in on my sister and my parents just because. I miss everything. If I do move to another place it will be temporary because of where my heart is. I am kind of anxious to see if my therapist will be back in the city. I will understand if she moves. I think she is a native New Orleanian. Maybe she will come back and we can pick up where we was supposed to. On August 29 we had a meeting scheduled. That was the day the city flooded. Needless to say I have a lot to talk about. I am sure she does too. Till then....

What Do I Do

I decided not to call my friend today. I know he was going back to the city to check on his home. My feelings are he will get there and see that he can not live in the city and will decide to leave the state. I am trying to brace myself for the news. I really do not want him to go but at the same expense I can not tell him how I feel out of fear that he will not feel the same way. If he leaves, then I will know that he truly does not see a reason to stay in the city. I certainly do not think I can influence his decision. If he leaves, then I don't think I will be in the dating scene for a while. I am hoping that he will decide to stay and maybe he and I can work on something developing into a relationship. Maybe all of this is wishful thinking. Perhaps he really isn't interested in me to the extent that he does not want to date me exclusively. He and I have never been straight forward with our feelings unless we were telling each other that we did not want to be in a relationship. One thing is for sure, he and I both are nonchalant when it comes to expressing ourselves.

May Be On The Move

Well I spoke with someone from my job today and I may be in New Orleans three days out of the week now. One of those days I will be in court. I am happy to get back to work but I need a place to stay now. I will have to figure out something fast. My friend is sounding more definite in his plans to move. He said the move may be temporary until the city gets back on its feet. But I believe there is the possibility that he may get comfortable and stay where ever he relocates. I want him to go back to New Orleans, but I can't ask him to think about staying because I understand that he needs to sort things out for himself and reach his own conclusions about where he wants to go from here. I was trying to materialize something between us but I see now that may never happen and I guess I have to accept that fact and stay to myself for a while and sort things out for myself as well. Whatever he chooses, I wish him luck and hope he keeps me in mind on his own initiative. Till then...