Today's News

I didn't do much today outside of work. I was supposed to go and play pool tonight but I didn't go. I have plans to play on Friday night though. Not that I am a pool shark but I think I can hold my own. I love to play pool. It relaxes me and I think it is somewhat theraputic. I have been thinking that I will start taking music lessons. More specifically piano lessons. I want to get involved in something that I love and I honestly don't think it is practicing law. Don't get me wrong. I know I worked hard for my degree and I put a lot of money into it, but I don't think I love it. I know I love music. Speaking of music. I started cleaning my cd's that I removed from my old apartment. Some of them play well, others don't. The ones that are damaged, I will replace first. After that then I will replace the others. I just have to have my cd's in the case that they came in. Talk about OCD. Will chat soon....

Progress?

Today my counselor told me that she thought I made progress since I have been meeting with her. I disagreed of course. She said the progress is I know why I am feeling the way I feel and that I am able to go directly to what causes me to think the way I think or react to things the way I do. I have always known what my problems were or are, I just need to know how to change them. I have never been more confused in my life. All this time, I have been raised to get a career and not rely on a man for anything and now that I have the career, I don't know what to achieve next. A part of me has always wanted to be in a relationship but I am no good at them. Largely because of how my mother raised me. I guess I am no good with interacting on that level. Now being faced with trying to get over this traumatic experience, it is even harder to interact with men. I am so confused I don't know what to do nor do I know what to think. I purchased the Wellbutrin despite the price. I haven't started taking it though. I have been on this drinking kick. I guess because it helps me forget about things and relax more. I know that isn't good. Not to mention I have been down that road before and I have tried hard not to go through that door again, but in recent times it has been hard. I think I am taking some steps backwards not forward. February 13th will be around again and not much will have changed. I am told I should not put things on a time table because healing takes time, but I am accustomed to dealing with the problem or not dealing with it and moving on. I will get it together. I just need to figure out how. Take care all...

The Day After

Today was good. I went shopping and didn't buy anything. I may go back tomorrow to get something but who knows. I spent the day with my best friend and I laughed with my friend. That really felt good. She is the only one I can talk to about anything and feel comfortable. But anywho, bec email me at lawyers_dimples@yahoo.com. Do you have instant messaging on yahoo. If not download it and we can chat more often. Tell trucker about it also. I would like to speak to you guys regularly. Till then...

Have A Good One

Yesterday I went by my relatives in Slidell, LA. I mainly went because my dad wanted to see his mother and sister whom he has not seen since the storm. Needless to say he cried when he got there and he cried when he left. I was happy to see them. Now this morning I have to drive back to Mississippi to be with my mother side of the family. I am telling myself to take it one hour at a time because overall I do not feel like driving. It is relatively warm here in Kenner. I was hoping it would be cold outside so that it would feel like Thanksgiving. Maybe the temps will be different in Mississippi. I want to wish trucker and bec a Happy Thanksgiving!!!! Eat as much as you can and enjoy the day. Will write soon....

A Little Of Me

Just thought I'd share.....


Love is the equivalent of pain
Some paths that we take
May create internal shame
But through it all
Barriers diminish
Strength is replenished
With life continuing
Teaching its lessons
And He asks me
What have you learned?
To which I will reply
Life.

Back At Work

Today was not bad. I tried to get as many files together as I could. I saw my co-workers and it was great being around them. Eventhough my day started out bad. Nissan gave me a two month hurricane relief grace period. So today when I attempted to resume payments, I was informed that I was put into collections. Throughout it all, Nissan recognized that it was their fault and apologized. Well that was all fine and dandy; however, this went to the credit agencies. Nissan stated that they would send a letter to the credit agencies and send me a copy of the letter reflecting their mistake. That annoyed me. I also had another problem with a Visa account of mine which I have not stopped paying despite the hurricane. I tried to use my card yesterday and it was declined. I called today to find out why and the representative said it was because my billing statements were coming back to them and they did not have an updated address. Despite my paying them, they still discontinued my services. Now when I moved into my new home, the first thing I did was call all of my creditors and give them my new address so that the billing statements could come to me. I asked him what address he had on the account and guess which one he recited. YES MY CURRENT MAILING ADDRESS!!!!!!!! He apologized for the oversight and continued my services. In addition to that, I had to fight with a hospital staff today because their representatives neglected to give me sufficient notice that if I miss my appointment, then I would be fully responsible for paying the bill. Well, the appointment was made Nov. 16. The appointment was for Nov. 17. I did not go to the appointment because I discovered my doctor who I originally saw was seeing her patients and so I did not have to pay the additional money to see a new doctor. My original doctor scheduled our appointment for Nov. 18 and I didn't think twice about the other hospital. I received written notice on Nov. 19 indicating that I had 24 hours to cancel my appointment with the other hospital or I will be fully responsible for the bill. I called the doctor's office and explained to the lady that I did not have 24 hours to do anything because the appointment was scheduled the following day it was made. Second, after speaking with three representatives in that office, none of those ladies informed me of the office policy and third, I received written notice of the policy two days after the scheduled appointment. In the legal world there is a pesky little thing called sufficient notice be it verbal or written. I had to leave a message for the department manager. I told her I should not be made to pay a bill having no sufficient notice of their department policies in order to make informed decisions. This is one I intend to fight. They might as well put me in touch with their lawyer right now. Other than that, I saw my therapist today and expressed my anger so much that she was pleased and I walked away happy. My day was good after all....

Memories

The good news is I was able to get my jewelry and my credit cards out of my old apartment. I will take my jewelry somewhere to see if I can get it cleaned or if there is a solution I can buy to try and restore it. I was able to get about three boxes of my belongings that were tucked away in the top of my closet in the living room. Everything else was damaged beyond repair or restoration. I assisted my dad in removing everything from inside of his home today also. There were a few items that were salvageable, but to remove all of your items and just place them on the sidewalk in order for the cleanup crew to come and get it was hard to swallow. The memories came back. High school, college, everything. Every award that I accomplished was gone. Every report card that my mother kept from elementary school was destroyed. Every picture of my youth was washed away by the horrible structure of a levee that we all depended on. Rumors have flown about whether the levee breached, was blown or was simply just too weak to support the storm that didn't even hit us. I don't know what to think. The only thing I want to do is hit rewind and grab more things. I know that mentally I have to heal myself, but it is so hard to say goodbye to all of those things that I once could place my hands on.

My Apologies

First I want to apologize because I feel like I am interfering with other people lives. I know everyone has a lot going on and to read my personal problems may not be the relief that other people need. I do appreciate the concern that I have read in the comments posted, but I feel like I am being unfair to my blog friends. I will however take into consideration everything that was said. I must admit I was close to giving up on therapy. I went to the pharmacist today and discovered the Wellbutrin will cost me $115.00. It is not covered under my insurance policy so I will have to pay the cost. At that point, I thought all of it was useless. So for a brief moment I decided to end my therapy sessions. My best friend called me and I explained to her everything and she told me not stop going to my sessions. She understood that the amount of the drugs are expesive but at the same expense I should not look at it as an expensive item, but rather as an investiment in my happiness. An investiment in myself. She is right. I really do love her. She is like a sister to me. She knows everything about me and has an uncanning ability to put things into perspective for me. She has been my voice of logic throughout all of this. There isn't anything that I would not do for her. I must say that it feels great to know that there are people in this world whom I have never met that has expressed so much concern for my well being. I truly hate that I had to post all of this and drag you guys along on this roller coaster. But in sum I have to say thank you and I wish I could say and do more. But again thank you. I should be fine. I guess I just have to stay strong in whatever facet I can. No one said this would be easy. But this is the route that I have decided to take. I decided to come back to New Orleans for the purpose of dealing with this and not running away from this as I have done with other problems in the past. Till then....

More Medicine

I visited the psychiatrist whom I saw prior to Hurricane Katrina. At my first visit, she prescribed zoloft for depression and ambien to help me sleep. I had only taken the zoloft for a week and would have finished the prescription but the storm threw me off guard and I only packed enough medicine for the weekend. So I stopped taking the zoloft. I also tried the ambien but it did not help at all. That was like swallowing a tic tac. Well today the doctor prescribed something different. She wrote a prescription for wellbutrin for the depression and restoril for a sleep aid. I am not thrilled about taking all of this medicine. My first impulse is to not take it at all. The doctor and my counselor are of the opinion that in order to get better I have to take something to help me focus. I disagree with that. Perhaps I am being stubborn and everyone who knows me well knows that I hate taking medicine of any form. When I read the side effects of the wellbutrin, that in and of itself turned me off. I don't know what to do right now. All I know is today I don't want to see the psychiatrist anymore because she keeps giving me drugs with dangerous side effects and I don't like the idea of being or feeling like I am crazy. I hate the idea of having to use drugs just to be happy when happiness seems like such a simple thing in life to achieve considering its free. I hate the fact that I have to pay out of pocket for this shit because my insurance coverage has an outlandish deductible and co-payment for mental health related issues. And I hate the fact that I have to go through this shit because that bastard was so self serving and decided to take something that he had no right to. I wouldn't be going through any of this had I just not picked up the goddamn phone that night and all I want to do is make this shit go away

Not Much Accomplished Today

I didn't do much today. The only thing I did was stay in my bed with the blinds closed. Physically I know that is not healthy but for some reason I am scared to venture outside of my door. I would hate to think that I am slowly becoming an introvert. The other side of the coin would be that this behavior is a sign of depression. I was this way pre-Katrina for reasons already stated. I was just hoping that being in this new apartment would make me want to go out more. The good news is on Monday, I will be at work in a temporary location for our office. This way, I can begin going through my files and determine what I can prosecute in the meantime. I know everyday won't be good days, but these are the days that I truly hate.

My Feelings

Well today I spoke with my counselor about what I had been feeling recently. I don't like having this feeling but she said it is perfectly normal. The first time I felt this way was when I was living with my sister and her husband in Jackson. I felt a little uncomfortable around my brother in law largely because of what I have experienced. I know my sisters' husband would never do anything to hurt me but I felt apprehensive. Now that my dad is living with me until he can get situated I feel uncomfortable living with him also. My dad has never said or did anything to make me feel uncomfortable, and for that reason I hate this feeling. My counselor explained why it is perfectly normal for me to feel the way I do. She also seems to think that maybe I should live by myself until I am more comfortable around men. I don't know how to deal with the situation. I keep telling myself that it is my dad and he would never hurt me. Maybe it will subside and I can feel like a normal person around my dad. He will be in Houston for a couple of days so I will have some time to myself to think about everything. Another insecurity I have is a fear of the water here. Last night it rained and I was so much on edge that it was ridiculous. Because my apartment is on the third level, I was concerned about the roof blowing off and then all of the water would get in and the mold would eventually start climbing the walls and so on, and so on. Sounds like I need therapy huh? I will see her again on Monday at two. We will discuss working on my anger or at least learning how to express my anger. Till then....

Somewhat Settled

Well today I have finally obtained internet services. For the time being, I have basic necessities. I have been able to put food and other household items in my place and I have a blowup matress to sleep on. So its not bad for a new beginning. I moved in on Friday. Saturday morning, a FEMA representative called me and asked me if I could meet her at my old apartment on Sunday. I met her and when she arrived, she had on a cute outfit. Pretty tennis shoes, arms out, stomach out, no boots, no mask, no gloves, no goggles, nothing. The least I could do was offer her a mask. She took one look inside of my place and said, "I'm not going in there!" The smell alone was too much for her. I had to laugh because she had no idea what she was getting into. She said I should hear something from FEMA within seven to ten working days. I am hoping they will give me some money to replace my clothes and furniture. I understand they can not replace all of the other itmes that meant the world to me like my six hundred cd collection. I will just have to work hard in replacing as much as I can on my own. But believe me, I am not complaining. I am willing to take it as a loss and get the assistance that they can give me right now. I hope all is beginning to fall into place for others. Everyone is deserving of it. I have a meeting with my counselor tomorrow. There is something I want to discuss with her. I feel somewhat embarrassed about it. I will discuss it on the next post. Till then....

Going Home Today

I am on my way back to New Orleans, well Kenner anyway. But for now it is home. It will be a few days before I have internet access though. I have to get my phone and everything connected. Hopefully I can accomplish this sometime next week. I won't write much but I want to tell my friends in blog world that I will be back in about a week. As soon as I am connected, I will drop in and say hi. Till then....

Taking Care Of Self

I have been reading about the forums in New Orleans to let people know the status of the city. Well needless to say, no one is happy. I am told that so many people are lashing out at the mayor of the city. I would hate to be in his shoes right now. Truth be told, what can he do right now. In my opinion, this is truly a situation where you have to take care of yourself. From calling FEMA, your insurance company, whoever you contract with to repair or reconstruct your home, this is truly the time to take care of yourself. Unfortunately, an entire portion of the city is inhabitable. I do not expect the mayor or any other politician to know how to fix the problem because they inherited the city just like we did. None of us built it from the ground up. At best, I would think that government officials can contract with companies to do things such as leveling the ground, proper electrical lines, proper sewage lines and so forth. Clearly the government is responsible for making sure the citizens can rebuild on their property. We all just have to be more patient someway, somehow. Sure that is easier said than done, and no one wants to be homeless, however, none of us have experienced this before. I am not saying that there isn't any negligence on anybody's part. I am still looking into levee breach negligence. But the part of the city that was badly damaged was not caused by a levee breach, but by the storm itself. And in that part of the city is where all of the complaints are coming from. I don't know what to do and I am sure the mayor doesn't either. We all need not only answers but help. And that includes the mayor. I wish all of this could repair itself overnight, but the harsh reality is that it can't. I would like to see exactly how much progress, if any, has been made. Perhaps at these forums a timeline should be presented to indicate where the city was and where the city is now. Seeing is believing. And I have worked with enough people to know that you have to give a status report every so often to keep people spirits up. Perhaps they have done that. I keep missing the meetings because I am in another state, but when I move to Kenner, I will be there to learn, listen and maybe even give some input. Who knows, this could be the beginning stages of the political career that I have been thinking about.

Something Different

Today was a good day for me. I did some shopping with my mother and I was able to relax a bit. But I will not write about my day today. I want to do something on my blog that I typically do not do. I am going to post a portion of one of my poems. I love to write poetry and I love music. I figured I'd share a little more about myself other than what I have been sharing. This portion is taken from a poem titled In Another Life. I wrote this back in September of 2000. Happy reading.... (And I have a copyright for any newcomers with any ideas)

Maybe later
Or maybe not
I still hold on
To that which he forgot
And those who know
Knows its true
My life became empty
The day I left you
I hold on to visions
That need’s revisions
So I envision
What is my mission
And my decision
Is to make you mine
If not this one
Then another lifetime
Cause even after this life pass
I can’t let you pass
Me by
Though it takes time
For me to be
The woman you need
Someone who’ll only see
A life with just you and me
Which is my state of confusion
What I am saying is
I don’t know
What makes me happy
Money or family
Money or family
Money or family
And yes I said it three times
Because I need to emphasize
What needs to be balanced
And if by chance
We never again cross paths
Know that I loved you
And my one desire
Is to listen
To the rhythm
Of your heartbeat
That echoes in my soul
And my ears hear
A beautiful felicity
That flows
From the depths of your voice
I have no choice
But to do without
And if you happen to hear
My heart shout
Please respond
With a language
Only I can understand
By saying
Here take my hand
And ask me to be your wife
If not in the here and now
Then maybe
In another life....

Living Today

Today has been somewhat of a good day. I woke up this morning and I was feeling fine. I wasn't worried about anything and I am looking forward to moving. This will be the easiest move in my life. My therapist mentioned yesterday that it was a good thing that I was able to find another place to live considering what happened to me in my old apartment. She added that no one will have to know where I live unless I want them to. I must admit that was a comforting thought. She said that this could be a new beginning for me in ways unimaginable. To an extent, I really don't miss the apartment that I lost. There are a few items that I would love to salvage, but for the most part, that place was filled with so much pain. Even when the sun was shining, it seemed dark in there to me. I don't even miss the furniture I put time and money into purchasing. I feel like so much has been washed away physically, but now I have to work on cleansing things mentally and spiritually. I feel a little better since I told her what happened. She asked me what I was going to do to take care of myself this week. Maybe I will treat myself to something that will make me smile. What that is, I don't know yet. I spoke with my friend in Minnesota last night. He is doing fine and has found a place to rent. I am kind of glad that he is away. This way I won't feel like I am gravitating towards him for all the wrong reasons. The time apart will allow me to focus on me and improve me. Maybe someday I will make time for a relationship, but before I love outward, I have to love within. And that is something I have never been able to do. Maybe I can start trying to achieve that today. Till then.....

Finally

I finally found an apartment. It is in Kenner, Louisiana which is about fifteen minutes away from New Orleans if there is no traffic. I am happy about the location. It is on the third floor so if flooding ever occurs, I should be safe. There is a washer and dryer in the unit, an alarm, beautiful ceilings and ceiling fans. I fell in love with it the minute I saw it. I also saw my counselor today and I talked about the incident. That was the first time that I actually discussed with her what happened. I remember her telling me that I hadn't cried about what happened and I thought today that I would break down and cry but I didn't. I was more angry than anything else. I honestly walked away feeling like I wanted to kill myself. I will schedule another session with her next week. She wants me to go back to the psychiatrist again to get another prescription for zoloft and ambien. I told her that I stopped taking the ambien because it wasn't putting me to sleep and when Hurricane Katrina hit, I just gave up all hope considering I left the medicine in New Orleans. I will try again. Maybe I can get my life straight for the upcoming year and hopefully I can find my happiness within. Pray for me....

My Day

I finally woke up this morning at about 10:30. I got up watched a little television and talked on the phone with a few friends. I really don't have much planned for today. Tomorrow I have to go to New Orleans and continue my search for a place to stay. I may have to look in other parishes which will make my commute about 30 minutes to an hour. I still haven't ruled out Baton Rouge. I will also have to extend my job search. Tomorrow while I am in the city, I will meet with my counselor at about 2:00. My sessions are an hour long. There is so much to tell her and I know I will not be able to get it all in within the hour. I have been asking myself where to start with her. But I figured I will pick up where we left off. I was supposed to meet with her on August 29 which ironically was the day the city flooded. On that day, that was supposed to begin phase 2 of my sessions. Phase two included me opening up about what happened to me that night in my apartment. Our prior sessions included her learning more about my history enabling her to learn more about me, my family and my experiences. There are a lot of other things that she and I will discuss because I have always had committment and trust issues when it came to relationships and men. I guess the incident just pushed me more into a shell. Hopefully everything will go well tomorrow. But I will post and update. Till then...

Update

Hello again. It has been a few days since I have posted. I have been in the hospital with my best friend. Her baby is so cute and adorable. However, she doesn't make me want to rush into motherhood. Seeing the pain my friend is in scares me alone. The idea of having to take care of someone other than myself is scary. In December I will be 32 and my mother constantly asks me when I am going to get married and give her another grandchild. I just tell her I don't know and keep on going. I don't know if I will ever truly change. I have never really been interested in having a child. The only time I entertained it is when I reached 30 and just thought about getting pregnant so that I could lay to rest any speculation people may have. When people see a woman over 30 with a career and no husband or children, they tend to wonder. But I guess I have to ignore all of that and be me each day at a time.

A New Life

Today I went to the hospital to visit my friend. She delivered her new baby girl this morning. I wanted to be there, but my sleep pattern has been off again. I didn't fall asleep until about 4:30 this morning, so by the time her boyfriend called me at 7:30 this morning to deliver the message, I was knocked out. I hate the fact that my sleep pattern has fallen back to its normal wacked out state. But the good news is that the baby is beautiful and healthy. I am not sure who she looks likes. She weighed in at seven pounds nine ounces. I guess that is a nice size for a baby. I will spend the night with my friend in the hospital tonight. I did that for her first delivery. My friend looks like she is doing fine. I am so happy for her. It has made me give thought to a few things. I am even thinking about relocating out of New Orleans. Right now, there just isn't anything there. As bad as I want to stay, I feel like I am fighting a battle that has already been lost. Or maybe I am fighting the wrong battle. I guess I should have made more affirmative steps towards relocation. I spoke with my friend in Minnesota this afternoon. He is going to stay in Minnesota. I guess he had the right idea all along. To get out. I do not think I will leave Louisiana because I am licensed there. So I will probably go back to Baton Rouge if I can find something there. Who knows, maybe I will resume some sense of normalcy there. And once the city gets up and running again, perhaps I can move back with no problems. I guess that is what life is all about. Closing chapters to begin new ones.