33

Normally I would have posted something on December 7th, but I was sick. On that great day, I turned 33. My co-workers bought me a cake and champaigne, but I couldn't celebrate the way I wanted to. My doctor told me that I am suffering from a respiratory infection brought about by my asthma. In a lot of ways, I was disappointed, but in some ways, I really didn't feel much like celebrating. My counseling session didn't go well this past week, and I walked away feeling somewhat defeated. Over much contemplation, I realize that maybe there was some miscommunication. However, there are some things that I want to address in my next session. I think the one thing I took away from my last session is that there are some things that I can control. That phrase stuck out in my mind. I am a long way from where I used to be, but I don't think my counselor sees that. Or maybe she thinks I don't see it because of some of the stupid things I do. Since I have been sick over the last few days, I have had time away from work to think about things. I will spend the next two weeks at work, and then take a week off for a vacation. In a couple of months, I will be coming upon a two year anniversary of an event that changed my life forever. But the good news is I think I am making progress mentally. I still have my moments when I am not feeling to secure in my surroundings, but I think I am coming along well. I admit I still have my moments when I don't take my medicine regularly, but I have taken the medicine more consistently now than I have in the past year. If I could just make every thing else come into order, maybe I won't make some people angry.

My Thanksgiving Holiday

My first day in Chicago was exciting for me. I came so close to meeting Oprah Winfrey. I thought I was finally going to come face to face with a self made billionaire. I guess I will have to wait until I get important enough for her to interview me. Madison, Wisconsin is so quiet and pretty. I wasn't able to take in much of the city, but I had fun with my cousins. I must admit it was different being here and not at home for Thanksgiving. I came to the realization that I didn't want to be in New Orleans for the holiday because nothing was going to be the same. My parents house still isn't finished and I just couldn't bare being in the city under the circumstances and remnants of Katrina. My best friend could hear in my voice that I was somewhat sad. I missed being with my family and my best friend. I guess I will stay home for Christmas. My sister's house will be finished by then. I called my friend today to wish him a happy thanksgiving, but he was somewhat short. He said he wasn't a holiday person and talked for a minute and hung up. I was disappointed but I guess I can't change any of that. I keep telling myself that he isn't coming home, and it is somewhat difficult to grasp that portion of reality. There is a part of me that misses him, but I am trying to make myself forget about him. On a brighter note, I have to get ready to move into my new apartment and plan activities for my birthday. I will fly home tomorrow, and I have a couple of social activities to go to. One is a concert and the other is a boat ride. I am scared of both events considering the amount of people that will be there and the fact that the boat is on water. I still haven't forgotten about my conversation at my last session. I have thought about it, but I don't have any conclusion on the matter. It is hard to think I am in need of love or fulfillment of some sort. Maybe my concept of love and fulfillment is incorrect and jaded. Maybe my experiences and relationships have forced me to see something that is working to my detriment. Maybe the fact that I think too much about shit cause me to give up on things before I even try. I just don't know how to see things from a different perspective. I guess the bottom line is I am my biggest enemy. My biggest threat. My biggest competition. Self destructive.

"Fulfillment", "Love" & "Need"

The definition of fulfillment is to make full; to meet the requirements of; to bring to an end; to measure up to. The definition of love is a strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties. The definition of need is a necessary duty; a lack of something requisite, desirable or useful; a physiological or psychological requirement for the well being of an organism; a condition requiring supply or relief. Those three words came up in my session today and I am still trying to figure out how my counselor wants me to understand them in a different sense. I have never thought of myself as having "fulfillment" of something because it has always come in the form of satisfying someone else. As a result, I haven't really used that word in relation to me. I don't see how the word "love" comes into play in my life outside the love I may have for my family and my best friend. And the word "need" scares me. I think it scares me more than the word "love." But in any event, of the three definitions, I don't see how those words would appear inviting to anyone. For the entire evening, I have been trying to wrap my brain around whatever concept of those words either she has, or I should have. It was probably the most confusing session I have ever experienced with her. Before I write anything further on this subject, I will think about it some more and sleep on it. I will resume tomorrow....

Criticism

There are people on this earth who simply can not take criticism. Even if its constructive, they refuse it. One of the girls in my class had to respond to every piece of advice given to her by the instructors. It wasn't as if they told her something that wouldn't benefit her. Quite frankly, to me she appears to be a little spacy and defensive. I would never give her that type of criticism of course because it would be unsolicited, and its just my opinion of someone I don't know. But it puzzles me why she couldn't just act like she appreciated their criticizm/advice on how to be a better prosecutor. I would have just nodded my head and said okay, but no two people are alike. At that moment, I did more thinking to myself. I wondered if she realizes the purpose of this conference. I am of the opinion, if you want somebody to stroke your ego about how good you are, then you should only talk to someone who constantly promotes you in spite of. Or record yourself giving yourself kudos, and keep pressing rewind and play. The purpose of this dull ass trip, is to teach us better skills, or refine the skills we possess. There is always room for growth in this profession. I have received valuable critism since I have been in this awful city. I have also realized I am socially inept to some degree, but that's another conversation. For the most part, a majority of the prosecutors in the class do not have a lot of jury trial experience. The only way to become a better trial attorney is to have jury trials. But no other city is like New Orleans. In any other jurisidiction, people are scared of the DA, and will plead to anything to get out of jail early, or avoid jail time. In New Orleans its a little different. Defendant's at one time knew the jurors didn't trust the police, so they took their chances before a jury. That was pre-katrina of course. Now defendant's will select judge trials. As far as this conference goes, I would recommend it to the next person. I just wish it could be in a more lively city than Columbia.

I Don't Like It Here

Today is day two of being in Columbia, South Carolina. I am extremely bored, there's nothing to do, and I don't know anyone here. It's extremely annoying listening to other attorney's talk about themselves, and how much they know or have accomplished. For the most part, I go to the scheduled classes, and then return to my room. But I realized something last night, and this morning. Last night, there was a conference dinner that everyone had to attend. Everyone around me talked to each other and I just sat there not engaging in conversation. I really didn't want to talk to anyone because as soon as I say I am from New Orleans, all they want to talk about is Hurricane Katrina and its effects on the city. If I said more than eight words, I said a lot. When I came back to my room, I realized that I am the one with the problem. I have always believed there was nothing interesting enough about me to keep someone's attention, and as a result, I don't socialize in social settings. This morning I realized that my purpose here is to learn how to be a better attorney, and work in groups. So this morning I tried a different approach. I participated in class discussions and came to the harsh realization that my perception of people and the world is totally different than the other attorney's in my group. Granted there were many things that I didn't agree with, particularly when it came to jury selection, but I also realized there is a racial line that white male attorney's hate to tread. Or maybe they just don't like to admit its there. Funny thing is, I wanted to exclude the black male jurors, but I couldn't get them to understand why. So finally I explained that jury selection, in my opinion, is not about who I like most, but who identifies more with the victim, and who identifies more with the defendant. Race as well as other factors will always play a role in that. I understand its a gray area no one likes to discuss, and it has a tendency to make people feel uncomfortable. But it is what it is-reality.

TMI

On saturday, I decided to go into the office to get a few things accomplished before flying out to South Carolina for the week. During the course of my day, I began to wonder just how much information about myself could be discovered by an internet search. So I googled my own name. My name came up with related articles of me with the DA's Office, the place where I teach a course, the law school I attended, and the bar association. All of which are to be expected. But most importantly, my blog site!!!! I went crazy! There it was on display. My name, my blog name, and my blog site. My life's story on display for all to see. The first thing I did was remove the poem that I posted, then I decided to remove the entire entry. After that, I sought diligently to see if I could change my blog site and I found a way. I had to change everything. I remember when I first posted the poem, I mistakenly posted my name with it as well because I always sign and date my poems. The day after I posted the poem, I realized I revealed my identity on my blog and edited the post by deleting my name. By then it was too late. A few days later, I saw my name attached to my blog and wanted to kill whoever created the internet. I am slowly thinking about getting away from the whole blog thing. I don't mind being anonymous, but I am not ready to share openly with everyone who knows me everything about me. Sorry for the inconvenience folks.

What Will Happen Will Happen

After the game today, I decided to drive to Mississippi to see my grandmother. I hadn't visited since my cousin's funeral and I figured it was time to see my family. My grandmother is fine and I am certainly happy for that. I visited my aunt who lost her daughter a little over a month ago, and needless to say she isn't doing well. I am truly hoping that she, her husband and their youngest daughter get counseling. The oldest daughter is living in Arkansas and to my surprise has decided to get counseling. I was relieved to hear that. She explained to me that she has anxiety and an ulcer. I told her not to shrug off the medicine and told her I am taking effexor, xanax, and lunesta. She said she would consider it now. She also asked me not to tell anyone in the family, which I won't. We briefly talked about things and she expressed how she thinks everybody blames her for her sister's death. I asked her if she thinks everyone blames her, or does she blame herself. She said the latter. I explained to her how I didn't think it was her fault. She wasn't there, she didn't get the guy drunk, she didn't hand him the keys, she didn't have complete disregard for other people in the car, and most importantly, she didn't tell her sister to get in the car. Those were decisions that were made by other people without any input from her. Those were decisions she could not control nor influence. Everybody in that car made their own decisions that night. I told her I didn't blame. Sure if it were not for her knowing him, perhaps he would not have crossed her sister's path. Who's to say? I also told her not to blame herself for knowing him because it appears to me that he used her little sister to have a vicarious relationship with her. She told me that it makes sense when I put it that way, but she just can't bring herself to feel that way. I told her it would take some time, but she has to get to a point where she stops blaming herself. I also told her that she does not owe anyone an apology including her parents. She didn't kill their child. His actions led to her sister's demise. If anything, he owe them an apology. My cousin went on to say that she finds it hard to pray to God because no matter how much a person prays and ask God to watch over people, whatever will happen, will happen. As a result, she finds herself not praying much. I told her I couldn't offer any help in that department, because I feel the same way. I believe in God, but I think there is such a thing called fate. And no matter how many times a person prays, the inevitable will take place. I think my relationship with God is more on the level of "please help me get through whatever is going to happen" type attitude. I believe God can bring people through things, I believe things happen for a reason, and I think there are lessons to be learned while we are on this earth. None of us are immune from pain, no matter how strong our faith is. Death is synonymous to life in my opinion. I just pray that I don't blame or hate God for anyhing, despite what the outcome will be.

Reality and Honesty

I encountered my first relationship at the age of 21 when I was in college. I was infatuated with him and he was the first man that I had feelings for. I remember for Christmas I bought him a rope bracelet. He wore that bracelet every opportunity he could, and overall seemed pleased. Six months into the relationship, he made his departure. I didn't ask for the bracelet back, nor did he offer it back. But I didn't worry about the bracelet as I considered it a gift to him. It took me a while to get back in the mind set of wanting to be involved with anybody. Ten years as a matter of fact. Its amazing how time flies when you sit down and think about it. He of course resurfaced ten years later. Because we were going out often and calling each other, I figured maybe that was the second opportunity I had hoped for. I expressed my interest, and he of course didn't respond until a week later when he decided we shouldn't call each other anymore. I said okay and kept going. It must have hurt my feelings all of one day. After that I realized it just wasn't there. Whatever he and I had in college stayed in college, and we proceeded with our separate lives.

After that experience came the guy I am interested in now. As indicated in old postings on my blog, he and I have always been off or on. After the storm, feelings were expressed, and we saw each other again once he moved back to New Orleans. We call each other damn near everyday, go out somewhere practically every weekend, spend nights at each other home, and enjoy sex with each other. For his birthday, I bought him a bracelet. I haven't figured out this thing about men and bracelets, but the story goes on. He opened up to me about things in his life and became more comfortable around me, and I in turn did the same thing. Last week, I told him about the rape that I experienced. I wanted to be open about everything and not hide anything from him. Last week, he tendered his letter of resignation to the office. Not saying that my incident had anything to do with that decision of course. Once he moved to the trials division, he really didn't like all the work that was involved and the time that has to go into the job. I knew resignation was coming, I just didn't know when. Last night he asked me to come by and I said sure. I wanted to share with him my day because my name was placed in the newspaper regarding a high profile case I was able to close. That kind of capped my day. He and I were talking and he told me that he was thinking about going into real estate law. I told him that field is lucrative and there is a need here in New Orleans for real estate lawyers. He then told me not in New Orleans, in Oakland. He said he was going to start making plans for his move. That hurt, but I didn't let it show. I was trying to figure out a way to leave, but I couldn't because it would have been obvious. I spent the night, but I couldn't sleep. I wanted to leave early, but it was raining so bad outside, and I panick whenever it rains, so I stayed put. Normally he and I sleep under each other, but I stayed far away as possible. He would put his arm around me, but I didn't even feel like being touched. The only difference between this guy and my ex-boyfriend is that he gave the bracelet back.

I have reached the conclusion that no matter what, people will hurt you in any situation. Our hearts can not be shielded from it. In relationships a person is either hurt emotionally, raped, beaten, killed, etc. I see it in my job on a daily basis, and I see trends of it in my personal life. I am not mad at him for making his decision, but it does hurt. He always told me that California was a relocation interest of his and he and I never committed to a relationship. I was just hoping maybe he would see things differently and want to stay here and be with me. Wishful thinking. I will still be his friend, but now I am not so eager to want to spend time with him. I guess I need to make plans to get ready for his departure. What am I to do?

Angie

On September 4, 2006, my cousin Angie celebrated her 20th birthday. On September 5, 2006, she died in a car accident. She had just finished high school and this was her first semester at Alcorn State University. She was on the Cheerleading Team and the Soccer Team. She received all kinds of athletic awards and honor awards. She was popular among her peers and she was friends with everybody. She always had a smile on her face and she had a great sense of humor. Unfortunately she was the passenger in a car that was being driven by someone under the influence of alcohol. He lost control of the car, hit a building, the car flipped several times, and then hit a pole. My cousin died from head trauma, and he walked away with a few injuries. None life threatening. The back two passengers fled the scene. The police are investigating the accident, and I am waiting on a police report to see if there is a possible civil suit for wrongful death. Angie left behind her mother, father, 26 year old sister, and 11 year old sister. Its been hard to accept the fact that everytime I go to Mississippi to visit my family, I will never see her again. A once active and vibrant person was reduced to an expressionless shell of what used to be. Her face was swollen from the accident and it was unbelievable that my cousin was no longer smiling. Eventhough I didn't see her everyday, I miss her dearly. I know everybody has a set time on this earth, and none of us can escape death when its our time, but it just seems like she was robbed of her future and we were robbed of our relative at such a young age. I am sure she is resting in peace, in heaven, looking down on us, trying to let us know she is alright now. There is no more pain for her. She is no longer gasping for air. Her scars are healed. Her spirit is free. When I think about it that way, I guess she really is the lucky one. Being that she has jumped the hurdle that most people fear; death. Angie if you are listening to my heart, keep smiling for us.

The Good, The Bad, The Mom

There is a lot I could say about yesterday afternoon. My mom came by, and unbeknownst to her, she upset me and insulted me. Without knowing who raped me, or that I was raped for that matter, she told me that his children were supposed to be her grandchildren. She told me that I was borderline psycho for seeing a psychiatrist and taking medicine. She also told me that I was gaining weight. Not to mention, she kept calling the man I have been expressing some form of interest in Jacob or Jonathan. As long as I have been single and made no mention of being interested in anyone, she constantly asked me about prospects when it came to men. Now that I have said the same name to her on numerous occasions, she says nothing about him, and just tells me to get pregnant without being married so that she can have more grandchildren. I tried not to let it bother me. I tried to hold it in as long as I could because yesterday was a big day for me, and I wanted to focus on presenting a birthday gift to the man that I have feelings for. But when I was driving to his house, all I could do was cry. I had to drive around until I stopped crying and my eyes were no longer red.

Even with all that, I regained my focus. My friend and I went to dinner, and afterwards we came back to my place and watched tv. Before I left my apartment to have dinner with him, I placed his gift in a gift bag and sat it on the bed so it would be out of view once we came back here. When we got here, I walked into my bedroom and he followed, but I didn't turn the light on. I turned on the tv and loaded the dvd player. As he was waiting, he looked over to the bed and asked, "what's that?" I said I don't know, and he looked at it again. Because the bag read happy birthday, he asked if it was for him, and I said yes. He smiled and gave me a kiss. He grabbed the bag and asked me what was in it. I told him let's open it and find out. He took the box out and displayed this big smile without even opening it. He finally opened it and looked surprised and happy. That moment was priceless to me. He told me that I was too generous and that I didn't have to do buy him a gift. As I helped him put it on, I told him I know I didn't have to buy him a gift, but that I wanted to buy him a gift. His bracelet fit well and he seemed extremely happy.

Despite the bad day my mom made me experience, it still turned out to be a wonderful evening afterall.

Special Days

Today was memorable in so many ways. It is my sister birthday. It is the anniversity of my grandfather's death. And there has been a documentary on HBO for the past two days about what people in New Orleans experienced the following days after Katrina and the following months after the Katrina. Here it is one year later and I am still angry. To see people houses and therir lives sitting in a pile on the sidewalk is very disturbing. I don't visit my parents because I hate going to the house I grew up in and seeing it in an empty, damaged, ghostly, water line, quiet, no grass, state that it is in. All I think about is how the water must have came in and caused that much damage beyond belief and recognition. I am happy my sister celebrated her 34th birthday, but inside all I could do was cry today.

What Direction

So far, the homicide unit is coming along okay for me. I am learning new things and this level of prosecution is different from how I practiced in the trials division. This unit is more precise on practicing law. I don't regret the move. One of our more experienced homicide attorneys is leaving the office. And there is speculation that at the end of the year another one may be leaving. That will only leave us with two experienced homicide attorneys. I am not worried of course. I think in due time I will be fine. On another note, my friend was transferred to the trials division. Now I will see him practically everyday. I am fine with being in the same office with him, but I do feel a little intimidated. My best friend told me to talk to him about it. When he called tonight I mentioned it to him. Shockingly enough it bothered him when he saw me hug another man yesterday. I guess that means he and I are in the same boat when it comes to insecurities. What do we do about it? I don't know.

No Laughing Matter

I really do wish I could meet the motherfuckers who voted for Ray Nagin's ass, and ask them if they feel like the joke is on them. Why in the hell would I want to see fireworks and a comedy show during a memorial of an incident that robbed people of their lives and loved ones. We haven't seen that bastard since the election and when we do hear from him, he says something stupid. Tell me Mayor Nagin, what are your plans to rebuild our education system, our job market, our communities, our homes, so that we can rebuild our lives. I, like many other people, lost memorabalia of the last 31 years of my life. If I am blessed to have children, I won't be able to show them my kindergarten report card, my first pair of glasses, the house I grew up in, my prom picture, my cap and gown picture, my atari, my fifteen plus years of my cd collection, albums, forty-fives, eight track player, high school diploma, college deploma, law degree. How dare he find the energy and the audacity to think there is something to laugh about when we are all sitting in deep depression as we come upon the one year anniversary of the day that not only changed history, but our lives forever. KISS MY ASS RAY NAGIN!!!!!

What?!!!!!

I don't know what happened. The effexor was working and for the last three weeks, I have been having thoughts of suicide and bouts with depression. I have been in Sandestin, Florida for a conference and I have been depressed the entire time. I don't knw what it is, but I looked on the website to see the side of effects of the lunesta that I am taking and I learned something disturbing. For over a week, I have been thinking about taking the entire bottle of sleeping pills and I wanted to know what was prompting these thoughts. Come to find out, if a person is taking pills for depressing, and begin taking lunesta, the lunesta prompts the thoughts of depression because lunesta serves as a relaxing or "hypnotic type" pill. Someone else informed me that often times, the anti-depressant pill has to be supplemented after a while. I don't know what to do. At one point, the effexor was keeping me happy and the lunesta was helping me sleep. I don't want to stop taking either of them and I don't want to pay the cost of supplemental pills. I am all fucked up. I take medicine to breathe, sleep, be happy, and concentrate. Talk about being a jackass. The only good feeling I had was when I spoke with my friend today. I was happy to speak with him and I can't wait to see him.

On another note, shopping was alright. I didn't do as much shopping this year as I did last year. Reason being Hurricane Katrina took everything from me last year. I have been on edge and the dreams have started again. In my dream last night, the Mississippi River was flooding, the city was flooding, and I felt like I was about to die. I was in the house with my sister and she kept telling me to calm down. It was as if she didn't care and I was panicking. It felt so real and I woke up in the worst mood. I sometimes feel like I am so close to hurting myself that I actually get scared. I am trying to look at the bright side of things, but there is so much that I am tired of. The worst part is, I feel like I no longer have a strong bond with God. I feel like He dislikes me so much that He doesn't even want to make time to listen to me anymore.

I have to drive home in the morning. I will write later....

I Had A Nice Time

Last night, I finished my work around five or six and I decided to give my friend a call to see what he was doing. He and I talked for a while and had nothing to do for the rest of the evening. He asked me if my sister and her family took another trip to Atlanta. I laughed and told him no and that they don't plan on going to Atlanta until October. So I figured I would try to arrange something for the two of us. He said he had no plans, so I told him give me thirty minutes. I called my cousin who works at the Sheraton Hotel and she got me a deal on a room that was on the 46th floor with a beautiful view of the Mississippi River. I picked up some fruit, whipped cream, message oil and told him where to meet me. He came by and was thoroughly impressed with what I set up for the two of us. We both got comfortable and enjoyed our night together. We both were awakened by the sun creeping in through the partially opened shutters showing the sun rays glistening on the river. I wish I could describe the feeling that I feel when I wake up with his arms around me. In those moments, I just want to stay there and not move all day because the minute we depart its all I think about. We met up again for brunch after I checked out and talked about the motorcycle he wants to buy. He wanted my opinion on which one to get. I tried my best to give input. He said he wants one that isn't so flashy and has a seat comfortable enough so that I can ride with him. I haven't been on a motorcycle since I was a little girl and my uncle had one, but I certainly wouldn't tell him no I don't want to ride with him on his bike. Anyway I have enough to keep me happy for the week. I guess I will see him again when I come back from Sandestin. I will leave this Friday and come back on Tuesday of next week. When he and I will be able to spend time like that again, I don't know. But I do look forward to it with much anticipation.

Signs Of Change

In recent times, I have truly missed my own space. I am now back in the same position mentally and physically that I was in before I got my own place. That position was being confined to my bedroom when I was living with my parents. I no longer have unlimited space to do what I want with it and not to mention no privacy to do what I want with who. However, another thought has crept into my mind. Ordinarily I would never consider this because of the way I am and I know that I am not good with certain issues as such. But lately I have considered living with my friend. He is the only man for some reason that I am considering sharing space with. Now I know that idea is an invitation for other potential problems. I don't know why I am entertaining this idea. It's not as if he and I have even had this conversation. But something in me thinks that if he brought the idea up, I would entertain the thought and take him up on the offer. He and I have not made any attempts towards a relationship and for me to think about this is totally premature; maybe even borderline stupid. I know I don't want to jump into this idea head first simply because I am not happy with my current living arrangements. I am also telling myself that living with him is not the answer. I am also considering other things like maybe he doesn't want to live with anyone else or me for that matter. Also the potential problem of my wanting to live with him and nothing ever develops from there between us outside of a friendship or the possibilty of us growing a resentment for each other. Maybe something inside of me is making plans in my mind "for us" eventhough "us" isn't a reality. Maybe something in me wants a committment from him more than what I am willing to try and venture into. Maybe something in me wants to be more to him but I am just scared to tell him. Its amazing how I find in me the things that I want to do, but for some reason can't see why I am deserving of something more. There is so much about me that I am not ready to expose to him nor do I think I will be fair to him or myself if I went into a relationship or if I tried to formulate a relationship with him. He and I are supposed to have dinner tonight around six. Hopefully the rain will subside. I called him earlier to see if he wanted to have dinner with me, but I was too scared to ask. I cowardly told him that I about to find something to eat since my dinner options at home or by friends and family were limited. He asked me if I could wait for him to finish with his errands so that he and I can have dinner together. I was so happy that he asked, but why couldn't I just call him and ask him to dinner? The answer is fear of being told no. Fear of rejection. Why shouldn't I take innitiative to ask him out without being scared? When will I get past a point where I am comfortable with myself and understand that everything involoving matters of the heart will not go according to some plan or script. I see why I am in therapy. My counselor asked be the other day how did my parents show love or affection to me. I could not answer the question. At that point, I saw why I haven't been in meaningful relationships. Its because I don't know how to show love or affection to anyone.

Fake Ass People

Bottom line is this. I don't need anyone to act as if they have my best interest at heart. I don't need anyone to act as if they will go all out of the way to help me. If you want to be a hi and bye kind of friend, cool with me. If you want to call every blue moon and check in on me, cool with me. Even if you want to have lunch with me once every year or two, that's cool with me also. But please don't call me after having told me almost two years ago to not call you, and now act like everything is fine. Now because I am a nice person, if you need something and I can help, then so be it. All I ask is that you be real. Be who you are. Be the person you displayed to me because at least I know who I am dealing with at all times. My personlity type is very simple. Either I can deal with you or deal without you. Either way it won't matter whether you are there or not. If you're the type of person to come and go, then I know you will do just that: come and go. Doesn't matter if you stay. Doesn't matter if you leave. But please......just be real.

A Thin Line

Friday night turned out to be good afterall. The entire day was going bad at work and the evening started to look as though the night would be capped off with a disappointment. My friend arrived somewhere around eight and I was trying to get in a better mood mentally. We sat down had dinner, watched tv, and did some light talking. He wanted to watch tv in the bedroom which is what we typically do because we like to snuggle, get comfortable, have conversation and watch tv. I told him briefly that my day was bad and since nothing was on television we decided to turn it off. We talked about a few things, but then I finally decided to tell him how I felt about him. To my surprise he responded with he was very fond of me and if he wasn't then he wouldn't spend so much time in my company. He mentioned that he wasn't dating anybody nor was he interested in anyone else. He knows that I am not seeing anyone else as well. I decided to end the conversation right there because for the first time, I felt like I was finally on the same page with someone about my feelings. I know that I am not quite ready to commit but I like this comfort zone for some reason. In addition to that, something else made me stop the conversation. A voice said to me just lay back and enjoy the rest of the night without any pressure or thoughts. Forget about relationships, forget about past experiences, forget about opinions I was taught by my mom, forget about the reason why I am in therapy, forget about what happened today at work. Just relax and enjoy this moment. Now ordinarily sex between he and I is just sex. But for some reason it was different this time. For the first time I actually feel like I made love to someone. I went to sleep with a feeling I had never felt before. The next morning and throughout the entire weekend, I thought about Friday night and how his every touch made me feel good all over my body. I have never got that feeling from any other man before in my life. I have sat and contemplated trying to explain it and make sense of it. But then I realized that maybe its one of those things that I just can't explain. Its just a feeling that makes us see what life is all about. I don't know if he feels the same way as I do about that night, but I think there is a part of me that is curious to see what lies behind that door. Not to say that I want that from him because he and I have different plans in terms of our future here. But I now see that there is more to a man than just sex. But more importantly, I also see that I can offer a man something more than just sex.

Tomorrow's Challenge

So tomorrow night, I will try and cook dinner for my friend. For the most part, my best friend will actually cook the dinner because I may not be home in enough time to actually cook. I wanted to cook not only to do something nice for him, but also to learn a few things. If he doesn't like it I guess I won't get offended. My friend cooks preety good in my opinion and I never got sick from it, so everything should be okay. The thing that scares me the most is the conversation I have to discuss. I want to tell him that I am interested but I am so scared that he will reject me. One month before Hurricane Katrina, I told him that I was interested in him, but that was only because my sister told me I should try to be in a relationship. I really didn't want to be in a relationship with him considering I was still confused about another issue, but I thought maybe my sister was right. At that time, he said that he didn't want to be in a relationship and I accepted that with no problems. After the storm, he and I was so anxious to see each other and went so far as to express that we missed each other. From there, my feelings started to change because in that moment I felt something for him and I knew I wanted to see him again. Not to mention I panicked when I could not contact him the first week after the storm. I know he just got back to New Orleans, just started a new job, and now he is looking for his own place. I don't want him to feel like I am pressuring him, but at the same expense I think I need to let him know what I am thinking. I think he will ultimately say that he isn't ready for a relationship because all but one man that I have been interested in have rejected me. That's fine and all. Its not like I have never rejected anybody. Besides they had every right to choose not to date me. With this one its a little different because I am actually interested. I love his company, conversation, corny jokes, and he is the first man I have had sex with that I actually care about. All of the other men were just sex objects. The one thing I have avoided all my life has happened right before my eyes and that's having sex with someone and slowly becoming emotionally attached. What do I do if or when he says no to me?

Don't Get Attached To Anything

If it's one thing I have learned over the past year, its not to get attached to anything. Even after going into my old apartment to see if I could salvage my poetry, it turned out to be for nought. Somewhere in between moving to this apartment, I have managed to lose all of my poetry. Eight years of poetry lost. Thirty one years of my life in New Orleans washed away. The last year of my life painful and confusing in more ways than one. So what do you hold onto? What do you deem precious and protect with your life? My answer is not many things. So much can be taken away no matter how hard you work for it or how much time you put into it. Don't get me wrong, I am sure I could have lost my life or someone close to me, but I guess I just get frustrated everytime I think about all that I lost, will never get back, or see again. I suppose the best thing to do is not let it consume my thought process.

Something else however has monopolized my thought process. I didn't get a chance to spend the weekend with my friend. I asked him on Thursday if he would be busy this weekend and he said he didn't know. He didn't leave a window open for invitation to anything either. That ticked me off because I immediately assumed he had plans to be with someone else. I know I am being presumptuous but my mind is telling me that he isn't interested to the extent that I am. I didn't call him this weekend because in my mind I saw him on a date with someone else. I am sure the reader of this blog will think I am insecure and stupid. Guess what? I agree with you. I am the main cause of my being single and I will probably be that way for a good while.

On the flip side, this week I will train the senior trial attorney in my former section and I will make my transition to the homicide division. My junior in that section was promoted to senior; like I told her they would do. She is nervous and so am I. She will do fine. I on the other hand have my work cut out for me. I am looking forward to it but I know it will be hard work. The people in the division keep telling me that everything will be fine once I get settled in. I believe them. I just have to get comfortable first and then I will set the cruise control.

Memories

Tonight I treated my best friend to dinner as a birthday gift. She recently made it back to New Orleans and she was deserving of a night out without the kids. It was her 33rd birthday and I wanted to take her where ever she wanted to go. She selected the restaurant and she was satisfied with her selection. I wish I could have done more for her. She is my best friend and I can't imagine my life without her. After dinner, we came back to my apartment and she asked if I had our high school year book. It was one of the few things I was able to salvage from my apartment. I handed it to her and she just looked at how young we all looked. It took me back to the good ole days when things were easy. We didn't have a care in the world, we had fun and we were happy for the most part. As children we understood that we were less fortunate than some of the other kids in school with us, but we knew we wanted something more out of life. Most importantly, we had each other. Neither one of us knew then the friendship and bond that would eventually develop between us. She is the only good thing that happened to me in high school. She has been there for me everytime I needed her and for that I will always love her. So here's to you friend on your day. Happy Birthday Tara and I love you from the bottom of my heart!!! Thank you for being who you are and please don't ever change for anybody. Keep your smile and your personality because it not only shows how beautiful you are on the outside, but also on the inside. I love you!!!!

Here I Go

I have finally obtained internet access. I am so happy I don't know what to do but stay online now. My day was good. Court was great and I managed to finish my docket early. After lunch today, I saw my friend. Today was his first day and he looked happy. The office has assigned him to the juvenile division. Which is okay by me. I don't think I was quite ready to be in the same office with him just yet. The only thing I could think about was whether someone would flirt with him or he would flirt with somebody. I finally came to the conclusion that I can't control that. With that in mind, I will do my best to not worry about it and continue in our friendship.

Hurricane season has officially started as of recent and I must admit I have had my share of nightmares. For the past three nights in a row, I have dreamt of flooding and category one and two hurricanes in our city. I am so paranoid about all of this. I really don't know how to calm myself down, but hopefully I will figure something out. I certainly don't want to lose any sleep. My sleep pattern is already out of sync with normal night time sleep. I am sure the entire country will be watching every storm that threatens the Gulf of Mexico. One thing is for certain, I am not ready to deal with another Katrina.

In the next two weeks, my sister and her husband will travel to Georgia to pick up their child from his vacation. That translates to I will have the apartment to myself. I would like to do something with my friend. Some private time since we don't have much of it at this point. I am thinking I would like to cook dinner for him. The only thing is I don't know what to cook and I don't know how to cook. I guess I want to make a different kind of impression on him. Maybe I am trying too hard. Any feedback would be much appreciated. Till then....

Online Today

For the first time in so many weeks, I am online. I have not hooked up my own internet access yet. I am on my brother in laws' computer. Anywho so much has happened in the last couple of weeks. I don't like my new apartment, I am not too fond of my neighbors, and I am not comfortable living in the east. I am on edge about so much. But the good news is my sister is home, my mother is home, and shortly my best friend will be home. Her birthday is on the 22nd of this month. YOU GETTING OLD GIRLIE!!!!!! Other than that, my friend that I am interested in starts work at my office tomorrow. I helped push his resume through and now I don't know how to handle his presence in the office. I am scared he will find interest in someone else and forget all about me. My best friend told me to talk to him about it and see where things stand between him and I. But I don't know how to bring it up. If he says that we are just friends, then I will be disappointed. Practically every man that I have been interested in has rejected me and I am not ready for anymore rejection. If he were to say that he only looks at me as a friend then I will understand, but I will still be hurt because deep down inside I really believe I would like to have some sort of relationship with him. I don't know what to do, but do what I do best and that's not address the issue at all. My counselor seems to think I should tell him how I feel. But she knows that won't happen anytime soon.

On another issue. I have been thinking about the breast augmentation idea again. I have been thinking about getting a breast reduction. Everyone I have talked to about this idea thinks I am crazy. In a way I agree with them. For some reason I am not comfortable with my breast size. I don't want to be vain, but I don't know what is the problem with me. There is so much about myself that I dislike and I know if I start cosmetic surgery it won't stop at my breast. How do we as individuals get to a point where we love ourselves and the way we look? If anyone can answer that question for me then I will be forever in your debt. Anwyay, I miss talking to my blog friends. I will do my best to write again soon. Take care....

It's Over, Moving On

So Ray Nagin won. Not that I am happy, but I can't do anything about it now. I voted for the other candidate who lost by a slight margin. All we can do now is sit back and see what unfolds over the next four years. Other than that, I am moving into a new place in the city. I will be living with my sister and her husband in an apartment until they finish rebuilding their home. I believe that may be a matter of months before their home is finished, but one thing I have realized over the past few days is that I want to buy a home. I am tired of apartments and not investing in myself. The only thing is I don't know where I want to live in the city. I would like to build my home. At least that way I know I will get what I want. If a pay raise is in my future as the office and the legislature says it is, then I will truly start looking for a home.

There is nothing new on the dating scene for me. I think that is largely because neither myself or my friend is trying to do anything to tread those waters. I am not pushing or promoting anything. For some reason, everything still feels uncertain in this city. For the most part, people I know are not to sure if they want to settle hear. My friend has stated that if things didn't change for him in terms of a job then he is California bound. I certainly can't blame him. There is no stability here for anybody right now. I have a pretty safe job than the next person.. One thing we can count on in my field is crime. Sad to say but it pays the bills for many of us. If he leaves then I wish him well. If he stays, then I wish him well. For the most part, I think he wants to relocate to California. As for me, I am not sure what I want. He and I have gone out and had fun, but I am so damn back and forth when it comes to men and relationships its ridiculous.

The job is the same. I haven't moved to the homicide division yet. Everyone keeps asking me about it and congradulating me on the move. There is so much work to do on those files and I am sure the families of the victims are upset that no one is working on their files. The office moved into a new building. Its in a good location but its not near the courthouse. I am looking forward to the homicide position. I just hope I do well and look good on the camera. (smile at that one)

Therapy is still going good. I might be making some major break throughs. Time will tell. On Tuesday I will start an exercise to begin talking through what happened in order to accept what happened and not let it run my life. There are some other things I want to talk to my counselor about. I will write about that later. Oh and before I go. Guess what I had an opportunity to do the other day? I hadn't done it in so long it felt soooo goooood. I mean the thought alone had me anxious to do it. Yes I shopped for clothes. Why what did you think I was talking about? I have three suits for court. Hopefully I will be able to buy more since this is a holiday weekend. But for those of you who have a dirty mind and thought I was talking about something else, I wasn't as fortunate to do that. Hopefully that day will come soon too.

Have a good one.......

Fears

What do you fear most? For the most part, I believe we fear the unknown. I know that I am person who does not adapt well to change nor do I embrace it. In the office, there has been so much pressure coming at me to start reading the homicide files. The only problem is I am not officially in homicide. Over the weeks, I have had time to change my mind because I like the cozy spot that I am in. I run my own section, I have a great junior trial attorney, and I can pretty much come and go as I please. But there is something deep down inside that is telling me don't become complacent. If I did, I wouldn't be any different than the people who decide to live off of the government. I would be serving into the type of personality that would not benefit me; which is somebody who wants to hide behind the scenes. And I certainly wouldn't be doing anything to benefit my legal career or my resume. So to answer my question what do I fear most. The answer is myself. I am my biggest challenge because I fight myself on so many issues. I over think and I worry over what isn't my reality. I was walking from the car tonight thinking about the conversation I had with my current chief of trials and he gave me the best advice for my legal career. He told me to base my decisions on what is best for me, not the next person. I realized in our conversation that he wouldn't help me back out or let me ease my way out. And he certainly wouldn't be selfish enough to make the decision to keep me. The ball is in my court and I can either pass or play. So what I have decided to do is put my fears aside and move up in the ranks of the office. I think I owe that much to myself.

Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to everyone who is a mother. Not all of us are fortunate to be the recipient of such adoration, but I am not complaining however. I enjoyed spending time with my mom and grandmother as well as other relatives. I had fun, joked and played. It was truly a day of celebration. To top it off, I spoke with my friend when I got home and he offered to drive all the way to Kenner to help me unload the stuff out of the car. I told him thanks but my dad was home so there was no need for him to drive all the way here. However I did ask him if he would help me move into my new apartment and he said no problem. Our relationship has been a little different than what it was. We joke with each other more often now, we call each other a little more frequently, and we express what we are thinking or how we may be feeling about each other. For the longest, the only thing between him and I was just sex. I have wanted to show him a different side of me so that he can make a determination of whether I am someone he can be in a relationship with. Since he has been home, we haven't had sex. I guess that is largely because neither one of us has our privacy. But to me that's a good thing. Right now, we just go out and enjoy ourselves. I hope I am making some progress with him. Not that I am trying to jump into a relationship, but I would like to develop a stronger friendship and see where things go between he and I. I was talking to my mom about him and she asked if that was the one she met. I said yeah. Then she said but he's short. Don't get me wrong. He is about 5'5 or 5'6 but I have no problem with that. Hell I'm 5'3. I was hoping she would have said something else about him considering she is constantly asking me if I am dating somebody. He was very nice to her. Granted they have never held a conversation but I thought the first impression was the last impression. My best friend had good things to say about him for the most part and she's a pretty good judge of character. Anyway both of us want to introduce each other to our families. I am a little skeptical about him having a conversation with my mom. She hates all men.(But that's another story) Anyway I have to get ready for court tomorrow morning. Hopefully the office will hire some new people this week and then I will move to the homicide unit. I will save that story for another blog day. Goodnight friends....

My New Friend

So I have finally done it. I have been saying I want a dog since the storm hit and yesterday I went to the SPCA to adopt one. She is a Shepard mix (with what I don't know), brown and black, weighs 35 pounds and is two years old. The lady at the SPCA said that she isn't going to get any bigger. I hope not. She is so sweet and well trained. It is completely obvious that she came from a home. I am wondering if she misses her home. She is so quiet and when they go to get her out of the cage, she backs aways in fear. I was so drawn to her. I told her to sit and she sat. The bad new is she has heartworms. I don't know how advanced it is but I am hoping she can be cured. The SPCA will do all it can to help me and I am seeking aid from a nationwide pet agency that gives money to organizations and private citizens in emergency situations. Hopefully they will give me a grant to help with the cost of the medicine. I really want to adopt her and they said they would hold her for me. She was on the list to be put to sleep because they have had her since January of this year. The SPCA found her after the storm along with thousands of other animals. Why she was left behind, I don't know. But I want to keep her. My mom said she and my dad would help with the cost so I am happy. I am so anxious to adopt her. Keep your fingers crossed.

Not So Simple

To say love is a natural thing that is basically free to us all, it sure as hell isn't simple. Why is it that two people can't be honest with each other about how they feel without fear or intimidation? Why is it that the people we love so much hurt us the most? Why is it that we allow our past experiences or someone else's experience to dictate how we proceed with our own relationships or love interest. I had the hardest time telling someone last night that I missed him and I was glad to see him. I was too scared to even get close enough to hug him or look into his eyes. I would look at him and catch him staring at me and then he would look away. I guess he could have been asking himself what he ever saw in me or just simply saw something that was not so attractive to him. But he also could have been feeling the same way I felt. And if that is the case, neither one of us wanted to go out on that limb. He and I have always been open about our feelings for each other when he were intimate. Those conversations would come up before or after sex and he was the one who would bring them up. The last time we expressed how much we wanted to see each other was when katrina separated us. So much time has lasped since then and I don't want to tread into something and he may not feel the same way anymore. I wanted to hug him more than anything last night and tell him how much I missed him. I am hoping he feels the same. I also didn't get too close last night because he had a cold and I know he doesn't like to be around others when he has cold. I didn't want to cross any barriers and make him feel uncomfortable or that I was invading his space. I don't know what to say or do. However, if we continue to remain silent, we both could be missing out on one of the simple things in life called love.

Trying Again

This will be the second time that I will apply for the homicide attorney vacancy that is soon coming up. One of the attorneys announced that she will be leaving in two weeks. She is going to a law firm that will pay her the big bucks. Of course I told her I would miss her and gave her kudos, but I was only concerned about when she will leave. I have been feeling as if my time in the trials division is nearing an end and I want to do something else in the office now. There was just nothing else to do. Well now there is. I can think of at least three other people who may apply and I don't take them lightly. If its for me I guess I will have it. Other than that, I saw my friend from Minnesota today. He had a job interview with our office. He wanted to go out to dinner tonight. I asked him if he was sure because he was driving yesterday and part of today. When he made it to the city, he only had about 45 minutes of sleep. He said he would be fine. When I left work today, I noticed the weather was getting bad. I went to my class tonight and afterwards I called him and told him that maybe we should cancel. He agreed because he was tired. Just like I told him he would be. I will admit I was happy to see him again. He looks the same. Nothing different that I noticed. But he did make me smile today. I hope I did the same for him.

Justice?

Today is vote day. The newspapers are calling it the most important election in our city. They may be right. Right now, the news is showing the percentage of votes to the repective candidates. The person I supported is in second not too far behind Mayor Nagin who is in first. To my surprise, more people came back to the city to vote. I overheard people say that they drove all the way from Texas just to vote. I truly hope that people based their vote on who will help this city move toward a more stronger and safer city as opposed to who resembles thier complexion more. This entire election has been about the race card. I just want things to be better. But isn't that a false hope with any politician/election. Nobody gets in office and change things to benefit the community. It has always been help those you know and those that have the money to pour into your campaign. I guess it will always be politics as usual. Other than that, my day was great. I bought some cd's, washed my car, and just enjoyed the day. Hopefully tomorrow will be just as good.

Ordinary Day

Today I did so much running around it was unbelievable. I spent most of the day out of the office and my supervisor said nothing. I know that if I got a job somewhere else, I wouldn't be able to do half of the things that I do now. Not to mention, they have been very understanding with me and my situation. The good news is that I have been sleeping at night. I get in the bed and I actually fall asleep with ease. I might wake up about three times throughout the night, but I go back to sleep. Tonight my class was good. For those who don't know, I teach a workman's compensation class to students who are trying to become paralegals. Its my first time teaching and I am excited about it. Not to mention it gives me a little extra money. Tonight we didn't do much. Needless to say one student tried to get all into my personal business. They think I am shy. I am for the most part. But I don't think my personal life should be an open book to my students. I think because I look young they may feel like its cool to ask me certain questions. I just brush it off and keep going. My doctor's visit went well. He increased the dosage of the effexor and next visit he will prescribe something for my A.D.D. That should be another experience in and of itself. I thought a lot about of my best friend last night. I am hoping that throughout all that has happened and may happen to her, she remembers one thing. If no one else is there for her, I am. This whole Katrina thing has made me see things in so many different ways its unbelievable. I thank God for letting me make it through another day and I pray he gives me strength to keep on moving. I hate FEMA. I hate SBA. I hate city, state and federal government. And I wish I could just erase the last fourteen months of my life. But I truly believe that someday I will look back at all of this with a smile on my face and wonder how I made it.

What Happened?

With the chain of events that occured this past week, my job wants to start random drug testing. Not that I am worried or anything because I don't endulge in illegal substances. I do have some co-workers that have expressed concern of course. Marijuana is extremely popular. I have never tried marijuana, nor am I intersted, but I think I am in the vast minority. Other than that, the office lost two trial attorneys. Its a shame when the office can't afford to match salaries of competitors in efforts to try and keep their experienced attorney's. I have shipped off some resume's myself. I don't think it's because I hate what I do. It's just that I can not maintain my expenses on my salary anymore. Speaking of expenses, my lease will be up at the end of May. I spoke with my dad about us moving into the trailor on his property because the complex has already informed me that they will be increasing my rent. If I move into the trailor, then I will save a significant amount of money. The downside to that is June 1st starts hurricane season. That thought came into my head today. Depending on the amount of rent, I think I will ask my dad if he will pay about two hundred while I pay for the balance. That way, we will not be in a trailor and panic should a strong wind blow. God forbid if anything else comes our way. By the way, my friend in Minnesota told me that he plans to move back to the city in the next couple of weeks. He may change his mind of course. But I am eager to see him someday.

What A Week

For the most part, this week sucked. It all began when my counselor didn't want to let me leave me because they put me on suicide watch. I missed court this week; not to menion a few days of work. I visited a new psychiatrist and paid money that I can not afford to give away. I discovered I suffer not only with moderate depression and post traumatic stress disorder, but I also suffer with Adult Attention Deficit Disorder. The mayor may not support re-developing the area of the city I used to live in. And I have decided I may not participate in the upcoming elections. But the up side was I was comfortable with the new psychiatrist. He was more thorough and far more inquisitive and attentive than the last one. I was able to have a few days to myself away from life as I know it. But most importantly, I feel like I am beginning to get a better understanding of myself. The psychiatrist pointed out a few things to me during a series of questions that made me realize some things that I never noticed. He gave me samples of the medicine that he wants me to try. This time I am trying effexor. He stated that trying medication like this is like trying on a pair of jeans. You have to find the right fit. So if the samples of effexor doesn't work for me, then he will give me samples of something else until we find something that works. Then he will prescribe something to me. He said this way I am not wasting money on medicine that isn't working for me since most of these medications are not covered on most plans. Unlike the other doctor who had me buying medicine that had such an adverse affect on me that I could not finish the prescription. That was truly a waste of my money. I will begin taking the medicine on Sunday. I promised my best friend I would and I don't want to let her down. Thanks for being there for me friend!!!!

Not Much Today

I want to take this opportunity to apologize to the people who have been impacted by my irrationality. So many thoughts went through my head this past weekend and as a result of my being open and honest about my feelings, it escalated to what I didn't imagine. What I realized throughout it all, is that my thoughts were purely selfish. There are so many people I would hate to disappoint and have them living in constant wonder of "why." So to all my apologies.

On another note. The mayor of the city has unveiled the city's plan in terms of rebuilding. I have decided that if I can not rebuild in my old neighborhood, then I will not be able to afford to live anywhere else in the city. And if I can not live in the city, then I will have to stay outside of the city in another parish. And if I am going to live in another parish, then I am not a resident of Orleans Parish anymore. And if I am not a resident of Orleans Parish, then I am not voting in the upcoming elections. I don't give a damn who wins. Afterall, its not my city anymore. Maybe that is the first step to leaving the city.

Out Of Proportion

I have reached the realization that I need to lose weight. For some reason, I don't want to do it alone however. I figured I'd talk to my best friend about it. She typically motivates me to do things; even when I don't want to. Well needless to say, she said that we will do it together. I figured since we are practically the same height and in my opinion almost the same in size, then maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea. Well she has decided to give up drinks that are loaded in sugar. I have decided to not only add exercising to my life, but to diet well also. The problem with me is that I don't cook. I am sure I could shed tremendous weight if I purchased food to cook. I also want to reduce my alcohol intake because that has a high sugar content as well. So I started my plan tonight. Tonight I did stretching and exercise with my weights. It only involved upper body however. I figure if I am able to get out of court at a decent hour tomorrow, then I can go to the gym and fit in cardio. I reached this revelation when I woke up this morning and simply didn't like the way I looked. Not to mention, I think exercising will help me decrease my stress level and depression. I have a goal. By the end of two weeks, I want to be two pounds lighter. I know that isn't much, but I don't want to disappoint myself with high numbers of weight loss and not see the results I am hoping for. I would lie and tell people I want to lose weight to look good in my bikini this summer, but people who know me know I don't go swimming. I just want to feel good physically, and right now I don't feel that way. I know I am supposed to feel comfortable with the way I look in terms of being able to accept myself, but I have to consider health reasons such as diabetes and high blood pressure. I am not obese but there isn't anything wrong with wanting to look and feel healthy. I believe I can do it. I did it once before at a time in my life when my confidence level was high. I truly think my lack of confidence and stress plays a part in how I physically look. I need to change so much about me for the better. Last week was a bitch, but I think I am pulling myself together again to get back on track. Here goes.....

Let's Talk About It

It happens and we can't get past it. Is it just human nature for people to cheat on their "loved ones." Because this is my blog, I am going to keep it real. I love sex just as much as the next person. Maybe more. But because I know that little fact, I typically do not push the issue of relationships with men. It seems, to me anyway, easier to just stay single and see all the people you want. I know someone who is dating someone and she has her reservations about what he may be doing when he isn't in her presence. Now of course when my opinion is asked, I just simply say don't do anything until you accumulate enough evidence. But I think she is coming upon enough evidence to indict this guy someday. And as a result, she is entertaining the idea of "having someone on the side." Which brings me to my next point. I think by nature women are nurturing creatures. And no woman I know started out cheating. It's only when we get fed up with how we are treated that we change and start to take on this "I don't give a fuck" attitude. And as a result, the next man who comes along catches hell. I honestly think if my friend sentiments are well founded, then she will never look at men or relationships the same. I also think she will take on some of my beliefs and practices as it relates to men and relationships. I truly hate to think of my friend in that state of mind because she is the nicest and most honest person I know. But it would be nice to have my old friend back who believes her shit don't stink. We could go out creepin and instead of looking for "Mr. Right", only deal with Mr. Right Now. Holla!!!!

Influences

There are so many things in life that influence us and help shape who we are. Some of those influences are positive; others are negative. But what about the influences that you don't pay attention to. Those are the ones that truly shape who we are. Through counseling, I have realized that there are things that happened to me that I really didn't pay attention to. I never realized just how much control my mother has over me and I never realized how much I worry about what other people think. While I have tried to have my own mind, I now realize that my decisions have been based on decisions already made by my mother. If Ididn't go to a dance in high school, it was because I knew the answer would be no because my parents couldn't afford to buy me a dress/outfit. If I didn't go out on a date, it was because I knew my mother wouldn't trust the guy I wanted to go out with. I have neglected to do things because I know my mother would disapprove of those things. I have never thought that I was attractive because of how my mother would criticize my appearance. But through it all, I give my mother kudos. Why? Because she did what she could with what she had and she raised me the best way she knew how. She could have let the streets raise me. She could have dropped me off on family members. She could have let me go through school without teaching me a damn thing. She is the reason why I am an attorney today. Some things she taught me I will take with me. Others I will not take with me. I will learn to draw the line and set the boundaries. Hopefully this will help me truly find who I am.

Accidents Do Happen

The last time I felt this sorry for my dad was when his father passed away. Yesterday, my dad hit a pedestrian and it has upset him so much that he can't sleep. Sure he is worried about the consequences that may arise but he is so distraught about inflicting pain (possibly death) on another person. I wish there was something that I could say to him to make him feel better and not worry so much. But what do you say to someone in that situation. Tomorrow he will go to Jackson and spend the rest of the week there with my mom. I am hoping the two of them can just spend some quiet time together. I truly hope they don't get into one of their arguments that would prevent them from just enjoying time together. He really needs somebody and it should be his wife. He isn't ready to tell his family members yet and I can understand why. I haven't told any other family members. I am respecting his decision to wait and I want it to come from him. All I know is I will support him one hundred percent. First as his daughter and second as his legal advisor. Love you daddy!!!!

How I See Myself

As usual I attended my therapy session today. While we discussed some things relating to what I would like to change about myself, we did an exercise today. I was asked to close my eyes, relax, breathe in and out and think about the waves on a shore and as each wave came in, think about myself getting stronger. After that, she asked me to visualize myself and then asked me to see myself as a bed of roses. I told her that I didn't see a bed of roses. She asked why not and I told her because roses are synonymous with beauty and reproduction and that isn't how I see myself. She asked how did I see myself. I told her as music. She asked why of course and I told her because music is a language not everyone understands and people are often times intimidated by the way it looks. It isn't pretty to eye but it becomes interesting or beautiful when people either listen to it or play it. She found that comment interesting. She asked if I thought many people understood me and I told her no. She also asked if there was anyone who I wanted to understand me and I told her my friend in Minnesota. Deep down inside I truly feel like there was potential for he and I, but because my ex-boyfriend clouded my mind coupled with my mom's teachings, I just didn't want to get hurt and I only spent time with him when I wanted to have sex. I truly feel like I botched things up. That isn't to say he doesn't have his hang-ups, but I think I could have been a better woman. I just wish he could see who I truly am and make a decision from that. I spoke with him yesterday and he informed me that he may come into town. He also apologized for not keeping in touch with me the way he said he should have, and further explained that he just needed some space to sort through things. I told him that I understood because I eased up on calling him for the same reason. NYC occupied my attention; largely out of curiosity, but in the back of my mind all I could think about was my friend in Minnesota. I will continue to keep my distance from the dating scene, but should Minnesota come into town, I would like to see him.

Today's Lesson's and Thoughts

The morning started off beautiful. I got up, cooked breakfast, packed my fruit, and headed to work. Thirty minutes into being at work, I received a phone call that caused my mind to think about one of my biggest fears. Possibly the end result could be something minor, but my ultimate concern was what another person would ultimately think should the end result truly be my biggest fear. Right now I am being vague because I am not ready to post what it is, but as time progress and the days pass, it will all unfold. It made me think about reality. What if there are things in life I can not do? Will another person be able to tolerate it? Will I be able to accept it and move on? I honestly think the answers to the last two questions are no.

Afterwards, I attended my therapy session today. She brought up some goals she wants me to think about. The list is: anger, owning what happened to me, identity, trust, boundaries, and the relationship I have had and have with my mother. I discussed anger today and she asked me what I experience when I become angry. I explained that I isolate myself, I become disoriented, I drink and I literally see red. She responded with those are typical signs of depression and she asked me to consider seeing a psychiatrist again to resume taking medicine. I didn't receive that well, but she expressed a genuine concern for my well being. I told her that I would consider it because she asked. She gave me the number of someone she has a high opinion of and asked me to give him a call. She also told me that she asked someone else about the last doctor I saw, and she was told that this particular doctor "wasn't good." I laughed a bit and said, "at least it's not just me." Till next time....

Today's Therapy

Today's session was a good one. I admitted to my counselor my shortcomings as it relates to my neglecting to discuss what happened to me in 2005. Overall she was impressed with how I reached my decision to address my problems. She asked me if I reached my decision just by thinking or if I referred to a book. I told her that I did a lot of thinking over the weekend and from that, I reached my conclusion. She began the discussion with my childhood and the relationship that I have with my mother and my dad's side of the family. My memory of my childhood is not all too clear because a lot of things I have forgotten. Most of my childhood is a blur and the only thing I remember is not wanting to upset my mother out of fear of being hit. My sister on the other hand remember things very well and certainly remember things that I don't. My relationship with my dad's side of the family is a little to painful for me to discuss because my sister and I have always felt as though we weren't truly excepted by his family. For the longest, my sister and I didn't have any communications with them because we just learned to deal with not being included. My counselor asked me when did I start being uncomfortable with myself. My answer was somewhere during my childhood. I guess I just never felt like I was good enough. From feeling left out by family to being scared of my mother's anger towards us. My counselor describes what my mother did as abuse while I see it differently. She bases her opinion on what I have described to her and she categorizes it as abuse. I haven't accepted that to be the case. She asked why not and I told her because I don't want to be angry with my mother. We had to stop at that point because the hour was nearing an end. But we are supposed to pick up there next week. I have always been scared to get angry about anything because I am scared of what I might do. I am scared that I will be just like my mother and I hate it when she gets angry. I walked away mentally drained just as I have for the last few sessions. My counselor took note of that. She has a tendency to ask me if I am in an okay frame of mind before I leave. I must admit, she is good at what she does. She has helped me see so much and I am thankful for that. I just hope I can continue to use what I have learned in between sessions. Till then....

Fat Tuesday

In keeping with the Mardi Gras tradition, I sincerely hope that everyone who has decided to party today is having a wonderful time. I couldn't join in the festivities. Just didn't feel the same. I spent the weekend in Mississippi with my family and best friend. For some reason, my best friend is on this baking kick. First we baked a banana pudding Sunday night. And last night we baked an apple pie. That was my first time doing either desert, but I had fun with her. I enjoyed my weekend for the most part. I am curious to see how much revenue the city has derived this year from the mardi gras festivities. I am sure plenty people came in town to see the city in the aftermath of katrina. I would be curious too. Lately I have been thinking of living options as it relates to the city and being able to afford rent on my salary. If all else fails, then I may have to move back home until I am able to get on my own two feet again since rent is sky high these day. I am trying desparately to conjure up ways to be able to maintain. There are some benefits of moving back home of course. I will save money monthly without having to pay rent and I can focus on my student loans. Today is so pretty outside. Its truly a day for a parade. But its not the same. I can honestly say that I am not depressed for the most part. I have been thinking about my mental state and I want to be more conscience of my overall attitude. I don't want to walk around looking upset about things. Maybe I will meet up with my co-workers in the French Quarters and have a drink and toast the people who perished in the flood. This Mardi Gras is for them. Rest in peace fellow New Orleanians. Have a second line with Tootie Montana if you can.

One Thing That Hasn't Changed

Last weekend when I came into the city with my friend from NYC, I decided to take him to a restaurant in the French Quarters. Now he and I have had conversations in the past about New Orleans cooking. He was of the opinion that no matter where you go, the food is the same so long as the person cooking it knows how to cook. Well I had to show my good friend from NYC just what it is we call creole and cajun dishes. The waitress came to the table and I ordered for starters a bowl of gumbo and shrimp roumalade since he likes shrimp. He devoured that in a matter of minutes. He asked what dish should he try and I suggested the crawfish etoufee. He said he was going to order a po-boy to which I replied and when I visit New York, I will shop at the local Wal-Mart. He wasn't familiar with that dish but before I knew it, I looked up and saw that he was scraping the plate clean with the french bread they placed at our table. He enjoyed the food so much that he now sees there is a difference between just using salt, pepper, and hot sauce as opposed to spices that gives food so much flavor. In that moment, I realized that this is what I love about our city. New Orleans is so unique that its beyond words. There is so much history and tradition in this city that whenever I talk about it to people who aren't from here, they can hear in my voice the passion I have for this city. I have been to several big cities each with their own uniqueness, but the food does not compare. Katrina may have taken homes, personal possessions and for many people, loved ones. But what it didn't take is our spirit and our ability to appreciate what we are known for. Our world famous cook'n.

The Bottom Line

First, ask yourself if you really face reality. Then ask yourself if you accept it. If you don't answer yes to both of those questions, then you need to step back and re-evaluate things. That is what I did this past weekend when I went on my trip with NYC. One thing I finally realized was that I am truly in a fragile state. I am not ready to let anyone get close to me. And that isn't so much because I am scared, but because I need my space. I can't force anything on me right now no matter how "normal" I want to seem in my mind and to other people. I need to effectively seek and allow others to help me get through this and not just go through the motions. That is the reality and I accept that. While I enjoyed NYC's company, something inside of me just kept saying "not now." I see that more now than ever. I am also tired of fighting everything and everybody including myself. I have also realized that I have not been addressing my feelings about what happened to me a year ago to my counselor. The only time we talk about it is if she brings it up and I have to stop that. I asked myself why don't I bring it up and the only answer I can come up with is that it is too painful for me to talk about. I know that once I talk about it with her, I am prone to breaking down right in front of her. Hell I may even cry a river. In my mind, I didn't want to come across as being weak. But that is the problem. I will never get to a point of closure or acceptance if I don't grieve the way I need to and express these feelings that I have been trying to suppress. The reality is I was victimized and I accept the reality of needing help to get through this period in my life. Monday when I see her, I have decided to talk about what happened on my initiative. I am sure it will be difficult, but I can't keep running trying to be who I was before the rape because that isn't who I am now. I may not be that person ever again, but I can be someone better.

Cupid

I sincerely hope everyone had a fairly decent Valentine's Day. One of my co-workers was upset because she didn't get what she was hoping for. A good friend of mine didn't get anything near what she wanted. She barely got a phone call. Do we as women expect too much on this day or do men not care enough about it. Who knows the answer to that question? I never really put much stock into V-tine's Day largely because I have been single most of my life and the one time I was in a relationship, I received a gift. I think it was balloons and flowers. It meant a lot to me at the time because I truly liked the person who gave them to me. But I have seen other women get extravagant gifts and I have seen some get little to nothing. But what's in a person's heart should show regardless of what day it is. People should know how much they mean to the person they are with on a consistant basis. I would hate to have to guess about how a person feels about me particularly when its cupid time. Maybe cupid is not shooting the right arrows. Or maybe we as humans are not interpreting those arrows right. Maybe we are not doing all that we can do or say to let someone know how we truly feel. But I will say this. Actions speaks louder than words. And inaction speaks volumes. Don't just buy the gift. Accompany it with words. Happy Valentine's Day everyone!!!!!

The One Year Mark

For the most part, today was overall a good day. There were moments when I reflected on what happened a year ago, but it didn't prevent me from joking or smiling today. That felt good. This morning when I woke up, my mind instantly went to what happened and I felt like I was reliving the whole incident again. I cried for a few minutes. Afterwards I got up, got dressed and headed out for work. But still, I had a good day. I went to my counseling session today at three and we discussed how I was feeling about today. But my anger came when I began to discuss rape cases on my docket and the fact that I still feel inadequate when it comes to prosecuting those cases. I left the session frustrated. But when I got in my car, I decided to not let it ruin the rest of my day. I turned on my cd player and I started to feel better. Music is my escape. I love it. My counselor wants me to consider going back to therapy twice a week. I might do it. I like the sessions and I would like to contribute to that office as much as I can because it helps people who can't afford the high priced counseling. I really thought that I would be depressed for most of the day. But I wasn't. I have not only my counselor or my supporting cast to thank. But I have to thank someone who I have neglected for a year now. And that's God. Till then....

Up At Crack Of Noon

Last night, my friend and I went out to play pool. It had been a while since she and I went out to play pool because her work schedule is extremely hectic now. We didn't get a table until around ten or ten-thirty, so as we waited we had a couple of drinks. We played 13 games. At first I was up by as many as four on her. But needless to say, she managed to catch up and the score was tie. But through it all, I FINALLY BEAT HER!!!!! Now it was my chance to rub it in, make all the jokes about defeating her, and telling everybody (even strangers) that I whipped her ass. But I didn't do that. The only thing that I was proud of was the fact that my game has improved tremendously. I love that game so much that I want to master it. Of course there are other aspects of the game that I am trying use to my advantage. Even she had to give me credit last night on my game performance. Last night wasn't about bragging on beating her in the ground like she stole money from me. It wasn't about humiliating her like she had never played the game before. It wasn't about stomping a mud hole in her ass. Well maybe it was just a little. But I had fun playing a game that I have a growing passion for.

A Missed Feeling

Today I had court and on my docket was a motion hearing on a Felon with a Firearm. Now its been a while since I have had a motion hearing or a trial so I felt a little rusty. Come to think of it, its been six months. Being out of the everyday practice of law in court can take a toll on a person. Anyway, the motion was being handled by a defense lawyer whom I respect and in the past, he and I have had fun with our cases against each other. During the motion, I got a feeling that I hadn't felt in a while and boy did it feel good. That rush is like no other feeling that I know. I can honestly say that I have truly missed that feeling. That one motion hearing gave me an incentive to get off my ass and start getting my docket back in order. In the past few months that has been hard to do because nobody knows what to do to with a cripple system due to the aftermath of Katrina. So many facets of the criminal justice system is still in shambles here in New Orleans and the public defenders office is one of those facets. I think they are slowly coming back together again. Their office had to lay off so many people and it was ultimately reduced to six. Just so you know, there are twelve sections of court with two public defenders assigned to most of those sections and there are five sections of magistrate court. Six people can't possibly deal with all of that. There is also talk of consolidating the civil and criminal court systems. It has worked in surrounding parishes. Perhaps the same can happen in Orleans. I truly had fun today.....

A Day At Home

Yesterday I scheduled a doctor's appointment so I told my supervisor that I wouldn't be coming into work today. Well this morning I had to cancel and reschedule. I had it moved to the 21st. Needless to say I decided to stay home. I have my session today at three so I figured I would take the first part of the day to do what I want to do. I want to go to the gym so that I don't have to loose a parking spot tonight. I spoke with my friend from NYC last night. He and I were sending instant messages on yahoo and he asked me to call him. He explained to me that he thought I had been expressing some fear about going on our trip together. He also mentioned that he thought that maybe he was moving to fast for us. He wanted to assure me that he is not interested in seeing his ex again and he told me that he would be honest with me when it came to him having an interest in someone else. He admitted that there are women at his job that has asked him out on a date. Once they found out he was single, they began to proposition him. He told me that he has declined them because he isn't interested in going out with them. He further told me that he has not talked to anybody else on the phone but me and that he feels comfortable talking to me about everything. I explained to him that I am not scared to be with him on our trip but I told him that I wanted to have fun. I told him that I want us to be on the same page with each other. I understand that he is just coming out of a long term relationship and that he shouldn't rush into anything new with someone new. At the same expense, I would hate to be interested in him for all the wrong reasons like I was with my friend in Minnesota. I guess I just really want to get to know him and see if we are compatible. If so, then we go from there. If not, then we literally keep our distance. He told me that he understands my situation and asked me to tell him if I am not comfortable or if he is doing something to make me feel uncomfortable. I told him that I would. I think he and I both got a little ahead of ourselves based upon our circumstances and our instant attraction for one another. The right thing to do is to slow down. A friend of mine said something to me that was worth gold. She reminded me that I do not know this guy and that I still have to get to know him. With that in mind, it makes it easier to put things into perspective and it makes it easier to keep reality in mind. As for my friend in Minnesota, well I guess he has dropped off the face of the earth. He hasn't returned my last two calls and it has been three weeks since we last communicated. I didn't realize that until last night. What I also realized was that he didn't call when the tornadoes touched down in my area last week. Now I know he knew about them because he checks the New Orleans website everyday and his mother lives in the city. He has no reason not to know. But he didn't call. If I knew about a blizzard where he was, I would call to check on his well being. NYC was all the way in Puerto Rico when he got the news about the tornadoes in my city and he called from a pay phone to check on me. Its always nice to know when you are not thought of but it feels even better when you know that someone is thinking of you and care enough to seek your well being. Thank you NYC for being the most attentive man I have ever met in my entire life.

It's Happening Again

Here it is, 8:45 in the morning and I still haven't left for work. For the last two months, I have had to drag myself out of bed just to go to work or do simple things like walk outside of my room. I figured I was just being lazy but in recent times I have been paying attention to my thought process during the night and in the morning. During the night, I stress over everything and in the morning I have to convince myself that today will be better. In my mind, I believe something will go wrong because that's just how its been since February 13, 2005. I guess it could have been bad prior to that but I didn't pay attention to it if it was. Let me explain what I am experiencing in the morning when I wake up. First of all, it's very dark in my room at night. So I feel like I am effectively hiding. From what, I don't know but I feel like no one can see me. When the sun comes up, I really don't know if its sunny outside or if its raining because the patio blocks any light from coming into my room. However I know its time to get up because my dad comes in and tell me he is leaving for work. After that I hide under the covers because I don't want to face what is going to happen outside. I just want to stay in my bed (well on my air mattress) and stay under the covers and not deal with anything. Now I know what someone reading this will think. That person is going to say, "You should have taken the meds." But I just couldn't bring myself to doing it.