Fat Tuesday

In keeping with the Mardi Gras tradition, I sincerely hope that everyone who has decided to party today is having a wonderful time. I couldn't join in the festivities. Just didn't feel the same. I spent the weekend in Mississippi with my family and best friend. For some reason, my best friend is on this baking kick. First we baked a banana pudding Sunday night. And last night we baked an apple pie. That was my first time doing either desert, but I had fun with her. I enjoyed my weekend for the most part. I am curious to see how much revenue the city has derived this year from the mardi gras festivities. I am sure plenty people came in town to see the city in the aftermath of katrina. I would be curious too. Lately I have been thinking of living options as it relates to the city and being able to afford rent on my salary. If all else fails, then I may have to move back home until I am able to get on my own two feet again since rent is sky high these day. I am trying desparately to conjure up ways to be able to maintain. There are some benefits of moving back home of course. I will save money monthly without having to pay rent and I can focus on my student loans. Today is so pretty outside. Its truly a day for a parade. But its not the same. I can honestly say that I am not depressed for the most part. I have been thinking about my mental state and I want to be more conscience of my overall attitude. I don't want to walk around looking upset about things. Maybe I will meet up with my co-workers in the French Quarters and have a drink and toast the people who perished in the flood. This Mardi Gras is for them. Rest in peace fellow New Orleanians. Have a second line with Tootie Montana if you can.

One Thing That Hasn't Changed

Last weekend when I came into the city with my friend from NYC, I decided to take him to a restaurant in the French Quarters. Now he and I have had conversations in the past about New Orleans cooking. He was of the opinion that no matter where you go, the food is the same so long as the person cooking it knows how to cook. Well I had to show my good friend from NYC just what it is we call creole and cajun dishes. The waitress came to the table and I ordered for starters a bowl of gumbo and shrimp roumalade since he likes shrimp. He devoured that in a matter of minutes. He asked what dish should he try and I suggested the crawfish etoufee. He said he was going to order a po-boy to which I replied and when I visit New York, I will shop at the local Wal-Mart. He wasn't familiar with that dish but before I knew it, I looked up and saw that he was scraping the plate clean with the french bread they placed at our table. He enjoyed the food so much that he now sees there is a difference between just using salt, pepper, and hot sauce as opposed to spices that gives food so much flavor. In that moment, I realized that this is what I love about our city. New Orleans is so unique that its beyond words. There is so much history and tradition in this city that whenever I talk about it to people who aren't from here, they can hear in my voice the passion I have for this city. I have been to several big cities each with their own uniqueness, but the food does not compare. Katrina may have taken homes, personal possessions and for many people, loved ones. But what it didn't take is our spirit and our ability to appreciate what we are known for. Our world famous cook'n.

The Bottom Line

First, ask yourself if you really face reality. Then ask yourself if you accept it. If you don't answer yes to both of those questions, then you need to step back and re-evaluate things. That is what I did this past weekend when I went on my trip with NYC. One thing I finally realized was that I am truly in a fragile state. I am not ready to let anyone get close to me. And that isn't so much because I am scared, but because I need my space. I can't force anything on me right now no matter how "normal" I want to seem in my mind and to other people. I need to effectively seek and allow others to help me get through this and not just go through the motions. That is the reality and I accept that. While I enjoyed NYC's company, something inside of me just kept saying "not now." I see that more now than ever. I am also tired of fighting everything and everybody including myself. I have also realized that I have not been addressing my feelings about what happened to me a year ago to my counselor. The only time we talk about it is if she brings it up and I have to stop that. I asked myself why don't I bring it up and the only answer I can come up with is that it is too painful for me to talk about. I know that once I talk about it with her, I am prone to breaking down right in front of her. Hell I may even cry a river. In my mind, I didn't want to come across as being weak. But that is the problem. I will never get to a point of closure or acceptance if I don't grieve the way I need to and express these feelings that I have been trying to suppress. The reality is I was victimized and I accept the reality of needing help to get through this period in my life. Monday when I see her, I have decided to talk about what happened on my initiative. I am sure it will be difficult, but I can't keep running trying to be who I was before the rape because that isn't who I am now. I may not be that person ever again, but I can be someone better.

Cupid

I sincerely hope everyone had a fairly decent Valentine's Day. One of my co-workers was upset because she didn't get what she was hoping for. A good friend of mine didn't get anything near what she wanted. She barely got a phone call. Do we as women expect too much on this day or do men not care enough about it. Who knows the answer to that question? I never really put much stock into V-tine's Day largely because I have been single most of my life and the one time I was in a relationship, I received a gift. I think it was balloons and flowers. It meant a lot to me at the time because I truly liked the person who gave them to me. But I have seen other women get extravagant gifts and I have seen some get little to nothing. But what's in a person's heart should show regardless of what day it is. People should know how much they mean to the person they are with on a consistant basis. I would hate to have to guess about how a person feels about me particularly when its cupid time. Maybe cupid is not shooting the right arrows. Or maybe we as humans are not interpreting those arrows right. Maybe we are not doing all that we can do or say to let someone know how we truly feel. But I will say this. Actions speaks louder than words. And inaction speaks volumes. Don't just buy the gift. Accompany it with words. Happy Valentine's Day everyone!!!!!

The One Year Mark

For the most part, today was overall a good day. There were moments when I reflected on what happened a year ago, but it didn't prevent me from joking or smiling today. That felt good. This morning when I woke up, my mind instantly went to what happened and I felt like I was reliving the whole incident again. I cried for a few minutes. Afterwards I got up, got dressed and headed out for work. But still, I had a good day. I went to my counseling session today at three and we discussed how I was feeling about today. But my anger came when I began to discuss rape cases on my docket and the fact that I still feel inadequate when it comes to prosecuting those cases. I left the session frustrated. But when I got in my car, I decided to not let it ruin the rest of my day. I turned on my cd player and I started to feel better. Music is my escape. I love it. My counselor wants me to consider going back to therapy twice a week. I might do it. I like the sessions and I would like to contribute to that office as much as I can because it helps people who can't afford the high priced counseling. I really thought that I would be depressed for most of the day. But I wasn't. I have not only my counselor or my supporting cast to thank. But I have to thank someone who I have neglected for a year now. And that's God. Till then....

Up At Crack Of Noon

Last night, my friend and I went out to play pool. It had been a while since she and I went out to play pool because her work schedule is extremely hectic now. We didn't get a table until around ten or ten-thirty, so as we waited we had a couple of drinks. We played 13 games. At first I was up by as many as four on her. But needless to say, she managed to catch up and the score was tie. But through it all, I FINALLY BEAT HER!!!!! Now it was my chance to rub it in, make all the jokes about defeating her, and telling everybody (even strangers) that I whipped her ass. But I didn't do that. The only thing that I was proud of was the fact that my game has improved tremendously. I love that game so much that I want to master it. Of course there are other aspects of the game that I am trying use to my advantage. Even she had to give me credit last night on my game performance. Last night wasn't about bragging on beating her in the ground like she stole money from me. It wasn't about humiliating her like she had never played the game before. It wasn't about stomping a mud hole in her ass. Well maybe it was just a little. But I had fun playing a game that I have a growing passion for.

A Missed Feeling

Today I had court and on my docket was a motion hearing on a Felon with a Firearm. Now its been a while since I have had a motion hearing or a trial so I felt a little rusty. Come to think of it, its been six months. Being out of the everyday practice of law in court can take a toll on a person. Anyway, the motion was being handled by a defense lawyer whom I respect and in the past, he and I have had fun with our cases against each other. During the motion, I got a feeling that I hadn't felt in a while and boy did it feel good. That rush is like no other feeling that I know. I can honestly say that I have truly missed that feeling. That one motion hearing gave me an incentive to get off my ass and start getting my docket back in order. In the past few months that has been hard to do because nobody knows what to do to with a cripple system due to the aftermath of Katrina. So many facets of the criminal justice system is still in shambles here in New Orleans and the public defenders office is one of those facets. I think they are slowly coming back together again. Their office had to lay off so many people and it was ultimately reduced to six. Just so you know, there are twelve sections of court with two public defenders assigned to most of those sections and there are five sections of magistrate court. Six people can't possibly deal with all of that. There is also talk of consolidating the civil and criminal court systems. It has worked in surrounding parishes. Perhaps the same can happen in Orleans. I truly had fun today.....

A Day At Home

Yesterday I scheduled a doctor's appointment so I told my supervisor that I wouldn't be coming into work today. Well this morning I had to cancel and reschedule. I had it moved to the 21st. Needless to say I decided to stay home. I have my session today at three so I figured I would take the first part of the day to do what I want to do. I want to go to the gym so that I don't have to loose a parking spot tonight. I spoke with my friend from NYC last night. He and I were sending instant messages on yahoo and he asked me to call him. He explained to me that he thought I had been expressing some fear about going on our trip together. He also mentioned that he thought that maybe he was moving to fast for us. He wanted to assure me that he is not interested in seeing his ex again and he told me that he would be honest with me when it came to him having an interest in someone else. He admitted that there are women at his job that has asked him out on a date. Once they found out he was single, they began to proposition him. He told me that he has declined them because he isn't interested in going out with them. He further told me that he has not talked to anybody else on the phone but me and that he feels comfortable talking to me about everything. I explained to him that I am not scared to be with him on our trip but I told him that I wanted to have fun. I told him that I want us to be on the same page with each other. I understand that he is just coming out of a long term relationship and that he shouldn't rush into anything new with someone new. At the same expense, I would hate to be interested in him for all the wrong reasons like I was with my friend in Minnesota. I guess I just really want to get to know him and see if we are compatible. If so, then we go from there. If not, then we literally keep our distance. He told me that he understands my situation and asked me to tell him if I am not comfortable or if he is doing something to make me feel uncomfortable. I told him that I would. I think he and I both got a little ahead of ourselves based upon our circumstances and our instant attraction for one another. The right thing to do is to slow down. A friend of mine said something to me that was worth gold. She reminded me that I do not know this guy and that I still have to get to know him. With that in mind, it makes it easier to put things into perspective and it makes it easier to keep reality in mind. As for my friend in Minnesota, well I guess he has dropped off the face of the earth. He hasn't returned my last two calls and it has been three weeks since we last communicated. I didn't realize that until last night. What I also realized was that he didn't call when the tornadoes touched down in my area last week. Now I know he knew about them because he checks the New Orleans website everyday and his mother lives in the city. He has no reason not to know. But he didn't call. If I knew about a blizzard where he was, I would call to check on his well being. NYC was all the way in Puerto Rico when he got the news about the tornadoes in my city and he called from a pay phone to check on me. Its always nice to know when you are not thought of but it feels even better when you know that someone is thinking of you and care enough to seek your well being. Thank you NYC for being the most attentive man I have ever met in my entire life.

It's Happening Again

Here it is, 8:45 in the morning and I still haven't left for work. For the last two months, I have had to drag myself out of bed just to go to work or do simple things like walk outside of my room. I figured I was just being lazy but in recent times I have been paying attention to my thought process during the night and in the morning. During the night, I stress over everything and in the morning I have to convince myself that today will be better. In my mind, I believe something will go wrong because that's just how its been since February 13, 2005. I guess it could have been bad prior to that but I didn't pay attention to it if it was. Let me explain what I am experiencing in the morning when I wake up. First of all, it's very dark in my room at night. So I feel like I am effectively hiding. From what, I don't know but I feel like no one can see me. When the sun comes up, I really don't know if its sunny outside or if its raining because the patio blocks any light from coming into my room. However I know its time to get up because my dad comes in and tell me he is leaving for work. After that I hide under the covers because I don't want to face what is going to happen outside. I just want to stay in my bed (well on my air mattress) and stay under the covers and not deal with anything. Now I know what someone reading this will think. That person is going to say, "You should have taken the meds." But I just couldn't bring myself to doing it.

Back Home Again

Today I made it back from Jackson, MS. I drove there this weekend to spend time with my nephew. He and I had fun. My friend from NYC had to go to Puerto Rico. He left on Wednesday. He had a family emergy and he and his father had to fly out there. He flys home today. He called me in between flights. The bad news is he is missing the Superbowl. He isn't very happy about that. Nonetheless, he and I are still looking forward to Atlanta. I haven't decided on whether or not I will get him a Valentine's Day gift. I don't want to go empty handed but I also don't want to send a wrong message. I don't want him to think that I am trying to rush into a relationship with him. I also don't want to get there with a gift for him and he has nothing for me. That would make him feel awkward I'm sure. I also don't want him to have something for me and I don't have anything to give him. I feel like I am caught in between what to do and what not to do. This will be the first man I have ever bought a Valentine's Day gift for; should I decide to purchase a gift that is. I figured the safe route would be to buy a gift small enough to fit in my luggage. That way if he gives me a gift I can just give him his gift. If he doens't have a gift for me then I simply just won't give him a gift. Makes sense right? That way no one feels awkward. Now the question becomes what to get him. I am no good at buying something outside of cologne, a watch, or a nice tie. All of those things are so generic to me and it doens't imply nor require much thought. I would hate to be so predictable like that. How do women do this every year? I will figure something out. Till then....