The Bottom Line

First, ask yourself if you really face reality. Then ask yourself if you accept it. If you don't answer yes to both of those questions, then you need to step back and re-evaluate things. That is what I did this past weekend when I went on my trip with NYC. One thing I finally realized was that I am truly in a fragile state. I am not ready to let anyone get close to me. And that isn't so much because I am scared, but because I need my space. I can't force anything on me right now no matter how "normal" I want to seem in my mind and to other people. I need to effectively seek and allow others to help me get through this and not just go through the motions. That is the reality and I accept that. While I enjoyed NYC's company, something inside of me just kept saying "not now." I see that more now than ever. I am also tired of fighting everything and everybody including myself. I have also realized that I have not been addressing my feelings about what happened to me a year ago to my counselor. The only time we talk about it is if she brings it up and I have to stop that. I asked myself why don't I bring it up and the only answer I can come up with is that it is too painful for me to talk about. I know that once I talk about it with her, I am prone to breaking down right in front of her. Hell I may even cry a river. In my mind, I didn't want to come across as being weak. But that is the problem. I will never get to a point of closure or acceptance if I don't grieve the way I need to and express these feelings that I have been trying to suppress. The reality is I was victimized and I accept the reality of needing help to get through this period in my life. Monday when I see her, I have decided to talk about what happened on my initiative. I am sure it will be difficult, but I can't keep running trying to be who I was before the rape because that isn't who I am now. I may not be that person ever again, but I can be someone better.