What A Week

For the most part, this week sucked. It all began when my counselor didn't want to let me leave me because they put me on suicide watch. I missed court this week; not to menion a few days of work. I visited a new psychiatrist and paid money that I can not afford to give away. I discovered I suffer not only with moderate depression and post traumatic stress disorder, but I also suffer with Adult Attention Deficit Disorder. The mayor may not support re-developing the area of the city I used to live in. And I have decided I may not participate in the upcoming elections. But the up side was I was comfortable with the new psychiatrist. He was more thorough and far more inquisitive and attentive than the last one. I was able to have a few days to myself away from life as I know it. But most importantly, I feel like I am beginning to get a better understanding of myself. The psychiatrist pointed out a few things to me during a series of questions that made me realize some things that I never noticed. He gave me samples of the medicine that he wants me to try. This time I am trying effexor. He stated that trying medication like this is like trying on a pair of jeans. You have to find the right fit. So if the samples of effexor doesn't work for me, then he will give me samples of something else until we find something that works. Then he will prescribe something to me. He said this way I am not wasting money on medicine that isn't working for me since most of these medications are not covered on most plans. Unlike the other doctor who had me buying medicine that had such an adverse affect on me that I could not finish the prescription. That was truly a waste of my money. I will begin taking the medicine on Sunday. I promised my best friend I would and I don't want to let her down. Thanks for being there for me friend!!!!

Not Much Today

I want to take this opportunity to apologize to the people who have been impacted by my irrationality. So many thoughts went through my head this past weekend and as a result of my being open and honest about my feelings, it escalated to what I didn't imagine. What I realized throughout it all, is that my thoughts were purely selfish. There are so many people I would hate to disappoint and have them living in constant wonder of "why." So to all my apologies.

On another note. The mayor of the city has unveiled the city's plan in terms of rebuilding. I have decided that if I can not rebuild in my old neighborhood, then I will not be able to afford to live anywhere else in the city. And if I can not live in the city, then I will have to stay outside of the city in another parish. And if I am going to live in another parish, then I am not a resident of Orleans Parish anymore. And if I am not a resident of Orleans Parish, then I am not voting in the upcoming elections. I don't give a damn who wins. Afterall, its not my city anymore. Maybe that is the first step to leaving the city.

Out Of Proportion

I have reached the realization that I need to lose weight. For some reason, I don't want to do it alone however. I figured I'd talk to my best friend about it. She typically motivates me to do things; even when I don't want to. Well needless to say, she said that we will do it together. I figured since we are practically the same height and in my opinion almost the same in size, then maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea. Well she has decided to give up drinks that are loaded in sugar. I have decided to not only add exercising to my life, but to diet well also. The problem with me is that I don't cook. I am sure I could shed tremendous weight if I purchased food to cook. I also want to reduce my alcohol intake because that has a high sugar content as well. So I started my plan tonight. Tonight I did stretching and exercise with my weights. It only involved upper body however. I figure if I am able to get out of court at a decent hour tomorrow, then I can go to the gym and fit in cardio. I reached this revelation when I woke up this morning and simply didn't like the way I looked. Not to mention, I think exercising will help me decrease my stress level and depression. I have a goal. By the end of two weeks, I want to be two pounds lighter. I know that isn't much, but I don't want to disappoint myself with high numbers of weight loss and not see the results I am hoping for. I would lie and tell people I want to lose weight to look good in my bikini this summer, but people who know me know I don't go swimming. I just want to feel good physically, and right now I don't feel that way. I know I am supposed to feel comfortable with the way I look in terms of being able to accept myself, but I have to consider health reasons such as diabetes and high blood pressure. I am not obese but there isn't anything wrong with wanting to look and feel healthy. I believe I can do it. I did it once before at a time in my life when my confidence level was high. I truly think my lack of confidence and stress plays a part in how I physically look. I need to change so much about me for the better. Last week was a bitch, but I think I am pulling myself together again to get back on track. Here goes.....

Let's Talk About It

It happens and we can't get past it. Is it just human nature for people to cheat on their "loved ones." Because this is my blog, I am going to keep it real. I love sex just as much as the next person. Maybe more. But because I know that little fact, I typically do not push the issue of relationships with men. It seems, to me anyway, easier to just stay single and see all the people you want. I know someone who is dating someone and she has her reservations about what he may be doing when he isn't in her presence. Now of course when my opinion is asked, I just simply say don't do anything until you accumulate enough evidence. But I think she is coming upon enough evidence to indict this guy someday. And as a result, she is entertaining the idea of "having someone on the side." Which brings me to my next point. I think by nature women are nurturing creatures. And no woman I know started out cheating. It's only when we get fed up with how we are treated that we change and start to take on this "I don't give a fuck" attitude. And as a result, the next man who comes along catches hell. I honestly think if my friend sentiments are well founded, then she will never look at men or relationships the same. I also think she will take on some of my beliefs and practices as it relates to men and relationships. I truly hate to think of my friend in that state of mind because she is the nicest and most honest person I know. But it would be nice to have my old friend back who believes her shit don't stink. We could go out creepin and instead of looking for "Mr. Right", only deal with Mr. Right Now. Holla!!!!

Influences

There are so many things in life that influence us and help shape who we are. Some of those influences are positive; others are negative. But what about the influences that you don't pay attention to. Those are the ones that truly shape who we are. Through counseling, I have realized that there are things that happened to me that I really didn't pay attention to. I never realized just how much control my mother has over me and I never realized how much I worry about what other people think. While I have tried to have my own mind, I now realize that my decisions have been based on decisions already made by my mother. If Ididn't go to a dance in high school, it was because I knew the answer would be no because my parents couldn't afford to buy me a dress/outfit. If I didn't go out on a date, it was because I knew my mother wouldn't trust the guy I wanted to go out with. I have neglected to do things because I know my mother would disapprove of those things. I have never thought that I was attractive because of how my mother would criticize my appearance. But through it all, I give my mother kudos. Why? Because she did what she could with what she had and she raised me the best way she knew how. She could have let the streets raise me. She could have dropped me off on family members. She could have let me go through school without teaching me a damn thing. She is the reason why I am an attorney today. Some things she taught me I will take with me. Others I will not take with me. I will learn to draw the line and set the boundaries. Hopefully this will help me truly find who I am.

Accidents Do Happen

The last time I felt this sorry for my dad was when his father passed away. Yesterday, my dad hit a pedestrian and it has upset him so much that he can't sleep. Sure he is worried about the consequences that may arise but he is so distraught about inflicting pain (possibly death) on another person. I wish there was something that I could say to him to make him feel better and not worry so much. But what do you say to someone in that situation. Tomorrow he will go to Jackson and spend the rest of the week there with my mom. I am hoping the two of them can just spend some quiet time together. I truly hope they don't get into one of their arguments that would prevent them from just enjoying time together. He really needs somebody and it should be his wife. He isn't ready to tell his family members yet and I can understand why. I haven't told any other family members. I am respecting his decision to wait and I want it to come from him. All I know is I will support him one hundred percent. First as his daughter and second as his legal advisor. Love you daddy!!!!

How I See Myself

As usual I attended my therapy session today. While we discussed some things relating to what I would like to change about myself, we did an exercise today. I was asked to close my eyes, relax, breathe in and out and think about the waves on a shore and as each wave came in, think about myself getting stronger. After that, she asked me to visualize myself and then asked me to see myself as a bed of roses. I told her that I didn't see a bed of roses. She asked why not and I told her because roses are synonymous with beauty and reproduction and that isn't how I see myself. She asked how did I see myself. I told her as music. She asked why of course and I told her because music is a language not everyone understands and people are often times intimidated by the way it looks. It isn't pretty to eye but it becomes interesting or beautiful when people either listen to it or play it. She found that comment interesting. She asked if I thought many people understood me and I told her no. She also asked if there was anyone who I wanted to understand me and I told her my friend in Minnesota. Deep down inside I truly feel like there was potential for he and I, but because my ex-boyfriend clouded my mind coupled with my mom's teachings, I just didn't want to get hurt and I only spent time with him when I wanted to have sex. I truly feel like I botched things up. That isn't to say he doesn't have his hang-ups, but I think I could have been a better woman. I just wish he could see who I truly am and make a decision from that. I spoke with him yesterday and he informed me that he may come into town. He also apologized for not keeping in touch with me the way he said he should have, and further explained that he just needed some space to sort through things. I told him that I understood because I eased up on calling him for the same reason. NYC occupied my attention; largely out of curiosity, but in the back of my mind all I could think about was my friend in Minnesota. I will continue to keep my distance from the dating scene, but should Minnesota come into town, I would like to see him.

Today's Lesson's and Thoughts

The morning started off beautiful. I got up, cooked breakfast, packed my fruit, and headed to work. Thirty minutes into being at work, I received a phone call that caused my mind to think about one of my biggest fears. Possibly the end result could be something minor, but my ultimate concern was what another person would ultimately think should the end result truly be my biggest fear. Right now I am being vague because I am not ready to post what it is, but as time progress and the days pass, it will all unfold. It made me think about reality. What if there are things in life I can not do? Will another person be able to tolerate it? Will I be able to accept it and move on? I honestly think the answers to the last two questions are no.

Afterwards, I attended my therapy session today. She brought up some goals she wants me to think about. The list is: anger, owning what happened to me, identity, trust, boundaries, and the relationship I have had and have with my mother. I discussed anger today and she asked me what I experience when I become angry. I explained that I isolate myself, I become disoriented, I drink and I literally see red. She responded with those are typical signs of depression and she asked me to consider seeing a psychiatrist again to resume taking medicine. I didn't receive that well, but she expressed a genuine concern for my well being. I told her that I would consider it because she asked. She gave me the number of someone she has a high opinion of and asked me to give him a call. She also told me that she asked someone else about the last doctor I saw, and she was told that this particular doctor "wasn't good." I laughed a bit and said, "at least it's not just me." Till next time....

Today's Therapy

Today's session was a good one. I admitted to my counselor my shortcomings as it relates to my neglecting to discuss what happened to me in 2005. Overall she was impressed with how I reached my decision to address my problems. She asked me if I reached my decision just by thinking or if I referred to a book. I told her that I did a lot of thinking over the weekend and from that, I reached my conclusion. She began the discussion with my childhood and the relationship that I have with my mother and my dad's side of the family. My memory of my childhood is not all too clear because a lot of things I have forgotten. Most of my childhood is a blur and the only thing I remember is not wanting to upset my mother out of fear of being hit. My sister on the other hand remember things very well and certainly remember things that I don't. My relationship with my dad's side of the family is a little to painful for me to discuss because my sister and I have always felt as though we weren't truly excepted by his family. For the longest, my sister and I didn't have any communications with them because we just learned to deal with not being included. My counselor asked me when did I start being uncomfortable with myself. My answer was somewhere during my childhood. I guess I just never felt like I was good enough. From feeling left out by family to being scared of my mother's anger towards us. My counselor describes what my mother did as abuse while I see it differently. She bases her opinion on what I have described to her and she categorizes it as abuse. I haven't accepted that to be the case. She asked why not and I told her because I don't want to be angry with my mother. We had to stop at that point because the hour was nearing an end. But we are supposed to pick up there next week. I have always been scared to get angry about anything because I am scared of what I might do. I am scared that I will be just like my mother and I hate it when she gets angry. I walked away mentally drained just as I have for the last few sessions. My counselor took note of that. She has a tendency to ask me if I am in an okay frame of mind before I leave. I must admit, she is good at what she does. She has helped me see so much and I am thankful for that. I just hope I can continue to use what I have learned in between sessions. Till then....