Today's Therapy

Today's session was a good one. I admitted to my counselor my shortcomings as it relates to my neglecting to discuss what happened to me in 2005. Overall she was impressed with how I reached my decision to address my problems. She asked me if I reached my decision just by thinking or if I referred to a book. I told her that I did a lot of thinking over the weekend and from that, I reached my conclusion. She began the discussion with my childhood and the relationship that I have with my mother and my dad's side of the family. My memory of my childhood is not all too clear because a lot of things I have forgotten. Most of my childhood is a blur and the only thing I remember is not wanting to upset my mother out of fear of being hit. My sister on the other hand remember things very well and certainly remember things that I don't. My relationship with my dad's side of the family is a little to painful for me to discuss because my sister and I have always felt as though we weren't truly excepted by his family. For the longest, my sister and I didn't have any communications with them because we just learned to deal with not being included. My counselor asked me when did I start being uncomfortable with myself. My answer was somewhere during my childhood. I guess I just never felt like I was good enough. From feeling left out by family to being scared of my mother's anger towards us. My counselor describes what my mother did as abuse while I see it differently. She bases her opinion on what I have described to her and she categorizes it as abuse. I haven't accepted that to be the case. She asked why not and I told her because I don't want to be angry with my mother. We had to stop at that point because the hour was nearing an end. But we are supposed to pick up there next week. I have always been scared to get angry about anything because I am scared of what I might do. I am scared that I will be just like my mother and I hate it when she gets angry. I walked away mentally drained just as I have for the last few sessions. My counselor took note of that. She has a tendency to ask me if I am in an okay frame of mind before I leave. I must admit, she is good at what she does. She has helped me see so much and I am thankful for that. I just hope I can continue to use what I have learned in between sessions. Till then....