Not So Simple

To say love is a natural thing that is basically free to us all, it sure as hell isn't simple. Why is it that two people can't be honest with each other about how they feel without fear or intimidation? Why is it that the people we love so much hurt us the most? Why is it that we allow our past experiences or someone else's experience to dictate how we proceed with our own relationships or love interest. I had the hardest time telling someone last night that I missed him and I was glad to see him. I was too scared to even get close enough to hug him or look into his eyes. I would look at him and catch him staring at me and then he would look away. I guess he could have been asking himself what he ever saw in me or just simply saw something that was not so attractive to him. But he also could have been feeling the same way I felt. And if that is the case, neither one of us wanted to go out on that limb. He and I have always been open about our feelings for each other when he were intimate. Those conversations would come up before or after sex and he was the one who would bring them up. The last time we expressed how much we wanted to see each other was when katrina separated us. So much time has lasped since then and I don't want to tread into something and he may not feel the same way anymore. I wanted to hug him more than anything last night and tell him how much I missed him. I am hoping he feels the same. I also didn't get too close last night because he had a cold and I know he doesn't like to be around others when he has cold. I didn't want to cross any barriers and make him feel uncomfortable or that I was invading his space. I don't know what to say or do. However, if we continue to remain silent, we both could be missing out on one of the simple things in life called love.

Trying Again

This will be the second time that I will apply for the homicide attorney vacancy that is soon coming up. One of the attorneys announced that she will be leaving in two weeks. She is going to a law firm that will pay her the big bucks. Of course I told her I would miss her and gave her kudos, but I was only concerned about when she will leave. I have been feeling as if my time in the trials division is nearing an end and I want to do something else in the office now. There was just nothing else to do. Well now there is. I can think of at least three other people who may apply and I don't take them lightly. If its for me I guess I will have it. Other than that, I saw my friend from Minnesota today. He had a job interview with our office. He wanted to go out to dinner tonight. I asked him if he was sure because he was driving yesterday and part of today. When he made it to the city, he only had about 45 minutes of sleep. He said he would be fine. When I left work today, I noticed the weather was getting bad. I went to my class tonight and afterwards I called him and told him that maybe we should cancel. He agreed because he was tired. Just like I told him he would be. I will admit I was happy to see him again. He looks the same. Nothing different that I noticed. But he did make me smile today. I hope I did the same for him.

Justice?

Today is vote day. The newspapers are calling it the most important election in our city. They may be right. Right now, the news is showing the percentage of votes to the repective candidates. The person I supported is in second not too far behind Mayor Nagin who is in first. To my surprise, more people came back to the city to vote. I overheard people say that they drove all the way from Texas just to vote. I truly hope that people based their vote on who will help this city move toward a more stronger and safer city as opposed to who resembles thier complexion more. This entire election has been about the race card. I just want things to be better. But isn't that a false hope with any politician/election. Nobody gets in office and change things to benefit the community. It has always been help those you know and those that have the money to pour into your campaign. I guess it will always be politics as usual. Other than that, my day was great. I bought some cd's, washed my car, and just enjoyed the day. Hopefully tomorrow will be just as good.

Ordinary Day

Today I did so much running around it was unbelievable. I spent most of the day out of the office and my supervisor said nothing. I know that if I got a job somewhere else, I wouldn't be able to do half of the things that I do now. Not to mention, they have been very understanding with me and my situation. The good news is that I have been sleeping at night. I get in the bed and I actually fall asleep with ease. I might wake up about three times throughout the night, but I go back to sleep. Tonight my class was good. For those who don't know, I teach a workman's compensation class to students who are trying to become paralegals. Its my first time teaching and I am excited about it. Not to mention it gives me a little extra money. Tonight we didn't do much. Needless to say one student tried to get all into my personal business. They think I am shy. I am for the most part. But I don't think my personal life should be an open book to my students. I think because I look young they may feel like its cool to ask me certain questions. I just brush it off and keep going. My doctor's visit went well. He increased the dosage of the effexor and next visit he will prescribe something for my A.D.D. That should be another experience in and of itself. I thought a lot about of my best friend last night. I am hoping that throughout all that has happened and may happen to her, she remembers one thing. If no one else is there for her, I am. This whole Katrina thing has made me see things in so many different ways its unbelievable. I thank God for letting me make it through another day and I pray he gives me strength to keep on moving. I hate FEMA. I hate SBA. I hate city, state and federal government. And I wish I could just erase the last fourteen months of my life. But I truly believe that someday I will look back at all of this with a smile on my face and wonder how I made it.

What Happened?

With the chain of events that occured this past week, my job wants to start random drug testing. Not that I am worried or anything because I don't endulge in illegal substances. I do have some co-workers that have expressed concern of course. Marijuana is extremely popular. I have never tried marijuana, nor am I intersted, but I think I am in the vast minority. Other than that, the office lost two trial attorneys. Its a shame when the office can't afford to match salaries of competitors in efforts to try and keep their experienced attorney's. I have shipped off some resume's myself. I don't think it's because I hate what I do. It's just that I can not maintain my expenses on my salary anymore. Speaking of expenses, my lease will be up at the end of May. I spoke with my dad about us moving into the trailor on his property because the complex has already informed me that they will be increasing my rent. If I move into the trailor, then I will save a significant amount of money. The downside to that is June 1st starts hurricane season. That thought came into my head today. Depending on the amount of rent, I think I will ask my dad if he will pay about two hundred while I pay for the balance. That way, we will not be in a trailor and panic should a strong wind blow. God forbid if anything else comes our way. By the way, my friend in Minnesota told me that he plans to move back to the city in the next couple of weeks. He may change his mind of course. But I am eager to see him someday.