Signs Of Change

In recent times, I have truly missed my own space. I am now back in the same position mentally and physically that I was in before I got my own place. That position was being confined to my bedroom when I was living with my parents. I no longer have unlimited space to do what I want with it and not to mention no privacy to do what I want with who. However, another thought has crept into my mind. Ordinarily I would never consider this because of the way I am and I know that I am not good with certain issues as such. But lately I have considered living with my friend. He is the only man for some reason that I am considering sharing space with. Now I know that idea is an invitation for other potential problems. I don't know why I am entertaining this idea. It's not as if he and I have even had this conversation. But something in me thinks that if he brought the idea up, I would entertain the thought and take him up on the offer. He and I have not made any attempts towards a relationship and for me to think about this is totally premature; maybe even borderline stupid. I know I don't want to jump into this idea head first simply because I am not happy with my current living arrangements. I am also telling myself that living with him is not the answer. I am also considering other things like maybe he doesn't want to live with anyone else or me for that matter. Also the potential problem of my wanting to live with him and nothing ever develops from there between us outside of a friendship or the possibilty of us growing a resentment for each other. Maybe something inside of me is making plans in my mind "for us" eventhough "us" isn't a reality. Maybe something in me wants a committment from him more than what I am willing to try and venture into. Maybe something in me wants to be more to him but I am just scared to tell him. Its amazing how I find in me the things that I want to do, but for some reason can't see why I am deserving of something more. There is so much about me that I am not ready to expose to him nor do I think I will be fair to him or myself if I went into a relationship or if I tried to formulate a relationship with him. He and I are supposed to have dinner tonight around six. Hopefully the rain will subside. I called him earlier to see if he wanted to have dinner with me, but I was too scared to ask. I cowardly told him that I about to find something to eat since my dinner options at home or by friends and family were limited. He asked me if I could wait for him to finish with his errands so that he and I can have dinner together. I was so happy that he asked, but why couldn't I just call him and ask him to dinner? The answer is fear of being told no. Fear of rejection. Why shouldn't I take innitiative to ask him out without being scared? When will I get past a point where I am comfortable with myself and understand that everything involoving matters of the heart will not go according to some plan or script. I see why I am in therapy. My counselor asked be the other day how did my parents show love or affection to me. I could not answer the question. At that point, I saw why I haven't been in meaningful relationships. Its because I don't know how to show love or affection to anyone.