What?!!!!!

I don't know what happened. The effexor was working and for the last three weeks, I have been having thoughts of suicide and bouts with depression. I have been in Sandestin, Florida for a conference and I have been depressed the entire time. I don't knw what it is, but I looked on the website to see the side of effects of the lunesta that I am taking and I learned something disturbing. For over a week, I have been thinking about taking the entire bottle of sleeping pills and I wanted to know what was prompting these thoughts. Come to find out, if a person is taking pills for depressing, and begin taking lunesta, the lunesta prompts the thoughts of depression because lunesta serves as a relaxing or "hypnotic type" pill. Someone else informed me that often times, the anti-depressant pill has to be supplemented after a while. I don't know what to do. At one point, the effexor was keeping me happy and the lunesta was helping me sleep. I don't want to stop taking either of them and I don't want to pay the cost of supplemental pills. I am all fucked up. I take medicine to breathe, sleep, be happy, and concentrate. Talk about being a jackass. The only good feeling I had was when I spoke with my friend today. I was happy to speak with him and I can't wait to see him.

On another note, shopping was alright. I didn't do as much shopping this year as I did last year. Reason being Hurricane Katrina took everything from me last year. I have been on edge and the dreams have started again. In my dream last night, the Mississippi River was flooding, the city was flooding, and I felt like I was about to die. I was in the house with my sister and she kept telling me to calm down. It was as if she didn't care and I was panicking. It felt so real and I woke up in the worst mood. I sometimes feel like I am so close to hurting myself that I actually get scared. I am trying to look at the bright side of things, but there is so much that I am tired of. The worst part is, I feel like I no longer have a strong bond with God. I feel like He dislikes me so much that He doesn't even want to make time to listen to me anymore.

I have to drive home in the morning. I will write later....