Reality and Honesty

I encountered my first relationship at the age of 21 when I was in college. I was infatuated with him and he was the first man that I had feelings for. I remember for Christmas I bought him a rope bracelet. He wore that bracelet every opportunity he could, and overall seemed pleased. Six months into the relationship, he made his departure. I didn't ask for the bracelet back, nor did he offer it back. But I didn't worry about the bracelet as I considered it a gift to him. It took me a while to get back in the mind set of wanting to be involved with anybody. Ten years as a matter of fact. Its amazing how time flies when you sit down and think about it. He of course resurfaced ten years later. Because we were going out often and calling each other, I figured maybe that was the second opportunity I had hoped for. I expressed my interest, and he of course didn't respond until a week later when he decided we shouldn't call each other anymore. I said okay and kept going. It must have hurt my feelings all of one day. After that I realized it just wasn't there. Whatever he and I had in college stayed in college, and we proceeded with our separate lives.

After that experience came the guy I am interested in now. As indicated in old postings on my blog, he and I have always been off or on. After the storm, feelings were expressed, and we saw each other again once he moved back to New Orleans. We call each other damn near everyday, go out somewhere practically every weekend, spend nights at each other home, and enjoy sex with each other. For his birthday, I bought him a bracelet. I haven't figured out this thing about men and bracelets, but the story goes on. He opened up to me about things in his life and became more comfortable around me, and I in turn did the same thing. Last week, I told him about the rape that I experienced. I wanted to be open about everything and not hide anything from him. Last week, he tendered his letter of resignation to the office. Not saying that my incident had anything to do with that decision of course. Once he moved to the trials division, he really didn't like all the work that was involved and the time that has to go into the job. I knew resignation was coming, I just didn't know when. Last night he asked me to come by and I said sure. I wanted to share with him my day because my name was placed in the newspaper regarding a high profile case I was able to close. That kind of capped my day. He and I were talking and he told me that he was thinking about going into real estate law. I told him that field is lucrative and there is a need here in New Orleans for real estate lawyers. He then told me not in New Orleans, in Oakland. He said he was going to start making plans for his move. That hurt, but I didn't let it show. I was trying to figure out a way to leave, but I couldn't because it would have been obvious. I spent the night, but I couldn't sleep. I wanted to leave early, but it was raining so bad outside, and I panick whenever it rains, so I stayed put. Normally he and I sleep under each other, but I stayed far away as possible. He would put his arm around me, but I didn't even feel like being touched. The only difference between this guy and my ex-boyfriend is that he gave the bracelet back.

I have reached the conclusion that no matter what, people will hurt you in any situation. Our hearts can not be shielded from it. In relationships a person is either hurt emotionally, raped, beaten, killed, etc. I see it in my job on a daily basis, and I see trends of it in my personal life. I am not mad at him for making his decision, but it does hurt. He always told me that California was a relocation interest of his and he and I never committed to a relationship. I was just hoping maybe he would see things differently and want to stay here and be with me. Wishful thinking. I will still be his friend, but now I am not so eager to want to spend time with him. I guess I need to make plans to get ready for his departure. What am I to do?