A Good Night/Day

Last night around ten thirty my time, my friend from New York called me. We talked for about two hours. I can't remember the last time I enjoyed a phone conversation like that and I certainly don't remember the last time I stayed on the phone that long with a man. We laughed and talked about everything. I really enjoyed his conversation. After we said our goodnights to each other, I thought about him for an additional ten or fifteen minutes and then I fell asleep without any problems. I hope that when we see each other in the next couple of weeks that everything goes well. I must admit that I am anxious to see him. He and I plan to play pool. He seems to think that he can beat me. Maybe he can. Hell in fact I am sure he can. But I think it will be fun to play a few games with him. I am hoping that we can find some fun activities to get into when we go to Atlanta. Other than that, me and two of my co-workers found out how much it would cost to buy the New York bar materials. It will be at least eleven hundred dollars. Like I thought. Expensive. I think my best route right now would be to find a job out east first and then where ever I settle, prepare to take that state bar exam. I just want to get out of the city and find an avenue to make more money. I will keep searching.....

Bad Weather In The Area

The weather here is windy and rainy. I guess I am okay with that consideing I don't have to go out there tonight. I spoke with my friend from NYC today. I talked to him about what I was feeling in terms of our trip together and he told me to relax and not worry about anything. He made feel a little better about the situation and a little more at ease. He explained that he does not expect anything to happen but that he wants us to have a good time and enjoy each others company. I spoke with a co-worker of mine today and she wants us to take serious studying for another bar exam. We have decided on ....What else...... New York of course. So she, myself and another co-worker of ours who is from New York will study for the New York bar exam. I guess I am looking forward to the change but I have to mentally prepare myself to get in the frame of mind to study for a bar exam again. Its worth it. I need to get licensed in another state so that I can go somewhere else and practice. The whole Katrina thing made me realize that. The economy here isn't getting any better and it will be a while before it does. Maybe I am tired of the south and want to be somewhere where there is progression and not a "good ole boy system." I got a law degree to make money in life. Not to struggle. I have to resume cleaning my cd's. I will chat soon....

An Interesting Week

The great news is my best friend finally paid her cell phone bill. Now we can call each other mobile to mobile free of charge. Other than that, my friend from Brooklyn is coming in town to see me. He and I will drive to Atlanta for a few days, in a car that he has rented for us for the weekend, and then we will drive back to New Orleans in enough time to spend a day or two in New Orleans just before he flies out. When I told him that I didn't have the money to fly there, he decided to fly out here to see me. I must admit that I am happy that I will be seeing him. But at the same expense, I am a little nervous. I have been having anxiety attacks at night and hadn't been sleeping at all. I think in the back of my mind I am on edge because of all that has happened to me. Not to mention the week he is coming will make the one year mark of an incident that changed my life. I really want to be comfortable around him and not worry about what someone else did to me. I certainly don't want him to think that I am crazy. I guess I am just trying to be who I was before the incident. I want to enjoy life and not feel like I am still allowing him to control me with the thought of what he did to me. Brooklyn has always made me feel comfortable. In fact when I met him, I felt drawn to him. Last night when we spoke on the phone, we laughed and joked. Really good conversation. I think what is putting me on edge is what I will do if the moment comes when we are intimate. I would hate to have a flashback or one of my anxiety moments right in front of him. Maybe I just need to calm down and think things through. I think I will tell him what I am experiencing in terms of my comfort level and maybe he will decide to stay in the city if that would make me more comfortable. Who knows. I just want to feel like I am normal again.

A Rainy Day

Today here in New Orleans it was rainy. Not that it bothered me. It was a steady rain. Nothing that would have put me on edge. I have been thinking about moving into another apartment in the city. Rent is getting outrageous so I am considering a roommate. Not that I really want one, but financially I might have to consider it. Other than that today was pretty good. Today is day two of not having anything to drink. I also went to the gym tonight. I like working out. It gives me an opportunity to think and push myself physically. I would like to shed some pounds. Not that I am drastically overweight or anything, but I could stand to lose a few pounds and tone. I think reducing the alcohol would help with that. I need to start eating right which means I need to learn how to cook. I am 32 years old and all I know how to do is heat something up. Even if I wanted to be in a relationship right now, no man would want to tolerate me knowing that I can't cook a single thing. Maybe I should take a cooking class. Or better yet, just get in the kitchen and cook something from a recipe. I would like to be able to go into the kitchen and be able to throw something together and have people raving over it. I think it says a lot when a person can cook something without putting much thought into it. I would love to invite people over for dinner. I would also need furniture to do that of course. Unless people want to sit on the floor and eat. Just joking. I am hoping I can get it together soon. I am tired of looking at this place in an empty state with an air matress on the floor. But hey, it could be worst right? I could be like other people with no place to lay my head at night at all. I have been writing poetry in my journal. I think I like what I have written. I may even post one of them. I wrote one the other day when I was upset. So it is somewhat solemn. But it explains how I was feeling at that time. I was thinking to myself that I would like to be able to write more happy poems. Not so many that are melancholy. I will have to dig deep into myself and create something that will make someone smile when they read it. Anywho..... I have to go and take a bath. I will write soon.....

No More Psychiatry

Needless to say my visit with the psychiatrist did not go well today. I told her that I had not been taking either of the medicine because I felt more compelled to drink and I knew that it would be useless to take the medicine. However, before I went into her office, I decided that I would select a goal to keep in compliance with what my counselor asked me to do. The psychiatrist asked me how much I drink and I told her. She also asked me if I wanted to take the medicine. I told her no. She said that she could not help me and that it didn't make sense for me to see her if I wasn't going to take the medicine. My thoughts exactly. I didn't see the sense in spending the money if I wasn't going to take the medicine. But what I didn't expect her to say was that I was going to become a "non-functioning alcoholic" and that "it will be a year in February and nothing will have changed." I already know that I am coming upon an anniversary as it relates to the rape. And I know that drinking is not the answer which is why I decided to tell my counselor about it on my own initiative. I want change. I also understand that psychiatrist typically use that reverse psychology shit to make people think. But I think the harsh tone doesn't work for everybody. All it did was push me away right when I was actually considering the medicine. I am not mad at her. I am more so mad at myself for reasons that I can't put in words right now. What I do know is that I am content with speaking with my counselor without having to take the medicine. Maybe the medicine isn't what I need right now. That's not to say that it doesn't help anybody. I just don't think it is helping me right now. That may change in time, but I have to reach that revelation the same way I decided to make my goal not drinking so much. One step at a time right? The psychiatrist asked me if I wanted to see her in three weeks. I told her no. After that I went out with co-workers and drank. I am hoping tomorrow I will be in a better frame of mind. Till then.....

My Session Yesterday

Yesterday I opened up far more than what I anticipated. I talked about a side of me that I didn't like at all, I talked about my drinking, I talked about losing everything in the storm. I truly opened up. I must admit my counselor is clever. She asked the right questions to get the answers she was soliciting. The answers I needed to hear myself say and realize. I am supposed to work on a goal. I have to select something about myself that I want to improve. I think she wants me to work on my self esteem. The self esteem will probably help me view things and myself differently. I truly hate the person I am. I hate the fact that I can not be sincere when it comes to men. I hate the fact that I have listened to my mother all these years and have used men for sex only. I hate the fact that I drink to hide my fears or be able to better deal with things or not deal with them at all. I hate the fact that after the rape the storm took everything else from me leaving me feeling like I have no faith in myself and feeling like I am doubting God. I have so much confusion going inside of me that I don't know if I like living anymore. But I believe my sessions are going well. I hope I will stregthen mentally and physically. Till then....

Today's News

Today at work, the rumor mill indicated that our salaries would be cut by the state. That won't be so bad if the city appropriate funds to us for the quarter. The difference is this. If the state cuts salaries, then I will miss about $150.00 out of each paycheck. If the city does not give the office any money for the quarter, then my salary could be reduced by $10,000.00. Talk about bad news to start the new year right. I am somewhat numb to the whole thought of it. I'm not worried about it like I should be I suppose. Last year was crappy, so why should I expect anything better for this year. I have adapted the "expect the worst" attitude. That way I won't be as disappointed when it happens. I went to the gym tonight to work off some tension. When I came home, I took a nice hot bath. Afterwards, I started typing my writing sample so that I could put my resume packet together. Maybe all of the signs are there telling me that it is time to move on. The good news in my day was that the bedroom set that was destroyed can be replaced at a lower price. I went back to the place where I purchased the furniture and spoke with the manager. He told me that he would sell the bedroom set to me for $1,099.00. I paid about $3,500.00 for the one that was damaged in the storm. Talk about a deal. I will see. If my salary is only decreased by the small amount, then I will consider purchasing it. If not, then its on the road again I guess.

A Day Lost

For the first time in a long time I did absolutly nothing today. It was pretty outside, but I slept the entire day for some reason. Not that I didn't have anything at all to do. My uncle gave me a keyboard to replace the one I lost in the storm. The one he gave me a real musicians keyboard. He has played music for as long as I can remember. He was the one who gave me the guitar with the amplifier. Those items too were destroyed in the storm as well as my trumpet and harmonica. But at least I get to resume playing the keyboard again. I bought another book to assist me in playing better. I might get dressed and go to Barnes and Nobles. I recently read a book titled The Alchemist. It was the best 167 pages I have ever read. I would recommend it to everyone. I cleaned more of my cd's and dvd's last night. I finally threw away all of those smelly cases that was on my patio. Now I can focus on cleaning the one's that are salvageable and replace the one's that are not. The list of damaged cd's is getting longer. To my surprise the dvd's appears to be pretty well. I am shocked by that because of the length of time they were in the water since they sat in the weakest and the lowest case. Not to mention I found them scattered all over the floor. I bought a printer for my computer so that I can print out resumes from the comfort of my own home. I haven't tested it out yet because I need paper. My stupid self forgot to buy the damn paper while I was in the store buying the printer. How silly is that :-}. I am not sure what book I want to purchase. I typically buy books that are fact. I hate fictional books. Maybe I will just sit there and order something from Starbucks while I write a poem. Yeah that sounds like a winner. I will chat soon....

So Pretty Outside

I woke up late in the afternoon and told myself not to be angry today. I went to the post office and dropped a few bill payments in the mail and spoke with a friend of mine. I finally noticed it was beautiful outside. So I asked myself what should I do. I have plenty to do inside but I want to go out today. I am supposed to go back to Mississippi next weekend because my mother's birthday is on the 12th. Since I am taking that trip, I decided not to go there this weekend. I don't have anything planned in the city. There really isn't much to do here. Maybe I will go to the gym today. I can't go to the music store because I can't spend any money until my bills are paid. I have to be responsible right? I went through my moment last night pissed off at the world but I won't do that today. I will get back on track mentally and physically, but I guess everyone has bad days or moments. I guess its that whole controlling and expressing my anger appropriately thing. Well let me find something to do. Will chat soon.....

Not A Good Day

Yesterday as I was leaving work, I received a call from SBA. They want to approve me for a loan. I asked the lady how do I qualify for a loan when I am at least eighty-three thousand dollars in student loan debt. Not to mention a car I am still paying on as well as other credit cards. She said because I have good credit, I qualify. Under normal circumstances they would consider the amount of debt a person has, collateral, and the ability of the borrower to pay it back. I am in no position to pay back another loan and I certainly do not want to add to my already existing debt. This is so retarded to me. I really feel stupid for coming back to this city, staying with the office and most importantly going to law school. Higher education is truly a waste of time and money. What makes me angry is that there are people who get over on the government on a daily basis. There are people who lie on there taxes to get larger refunds, lie to the government to about their children being sick so that they can receive a check every month, as well as lie to get any other form of governmental assistance. Here I have been honest about everything and the only time I used governmental assistance was when I needed to go to school for undergraduate studies and I received a grant. Now when I am in dire need of governmental assistance due to a natural disaster and faulty man made levees, I have to get it in the form of a loan and pay the government back. Pay the government back to replace items I didn't even destroy. The very same government I faithfully pay taxes to every year is telling me I have to take out a loan to replace clothing and furniture and that is the only assistance I qualify for. If were uneducated, single with eight children, no job then the government would have been throwing money at me. Silly me for wanting to educate myself. Silly me for being honest in all facets and silly me for working so hard to have and maintain good credit. As far as I am concerned, every good deed is punished.

The New Year

Well first of all, let me say Happy New Year to everybody in blog world. I went to Birmingham, Atlanta, and Jackson for the holiday and I must say I had fun. SBA finally called and it sounds like they are leaning towards giving me a loan. I am hoping they declined the loan so that I can get grant money. That way I won't incur anymore debt. I have been speaking a lot to my friend in Brooklyn. He is eager for me to visit the city. I guess I have to see what my finances are like. A cousin of mine said that she would take the trip with me. That makes me feel a little better about going there. I guess I am not all too comfortable about going there by myself. Its back to work tomorrow. Hopefully I will be in gear to do what I can to get my docket back on track. I was more relaxed about it because it was the holidays. Now I have to take it more seriously. I hope everyone had a good holiday. I bought fireworks and had a blast. I will chat soon....