Tomorrow's Challenge

So tomorrow night, I will try and cook dinner for my friend. For the most part, my best friend will actually cook the dinner because I may not be home in enough time to actually cook. I wanted to cook not only to do something nice for him, but also to learn a few things. If he doesn't like it I guess I won't get offended. My friend cooks preety good in my opinion and I never got sick from it, so everything should be okay. The thing that scares me the most is the conversation I have to discuss. I want to tell him that I am interested but I am so scared that he will reject me. One month before Hurricane Katrina, I told him that I was interested in him, but that was only because my sister told me I should try to be in a relationship. I really didn't want to be in a relationship with him considering I was still confused about another issue, but I thought maybe my sister was right. At that time, he said that he didn't want to be in a relationship and I accepted that with no problems. After the storm, he and I was so anxious to see each other and went so far as to express that we missed each other. From there, my feelings started to change because in that moment I felt something for him and I knew I wanted to see him again. Not to mention I panicked when I could not contact him the first week after the storm. I know he just got back to New Orleans, just started a new job, and now he is looking for his own place. I don't want him to feel like I am pressuring him, but at the same expense I think I need to let him know what I am thinking. I think he will ultimately say that he isn't ready for a relationship because all but one man that I have been interested in have rejected me. That's fine and all. Its not like I have never rejected anybody. Besides they had every right to choose not to date me. With this one its a little different because I am actually interested. I love his company, conversation, corny jokes, and he is the first man I have had sex with that I actually care about. All of the other men were just sex objects. The one thing I have avoided all my life has happened right before my eyes and that's having sex with someone and slowly becoming emotionally attached. What do I do if or when he says no to me?

Don't Get Attached To Anything

If it's one thing I have learned over the past year, its not to get attached to anything. Even after going into my old apartment to see if I could salvage my poetry, it turned out to be for nought. Somewhere in between moving to this apartment, I have managed to lose all of my poetry. Eight years of poetry lost. Thirty one years of my life in New Orleans washed away. The last year of my life painful and confusing in more ways than one. So what do you hold onto? What do you deem precious and protect with your life? My answer is not many things. So much can be taken away no matter how hard you work for it or how much time you put into it. Don't get me wrong, I am sure I could have lost my life or someone close to me, but I guess I just get frustrated everytime I think about all that I lost, will never get back, or see again. I suppose the best thing to do is not let it consume my thought process.

Something else however has monopolized my thought process. I didn't get a chance to spend the weekend with my friend. I asked him on Thursday if he would be busy this weekend and he said he didn't know. He didn't leave a window open for invitation to anything either. That ticked me off because I immediately assumed he had plans to be with someone else. I know I am being presumptuous but my mind is telling me that he isn't interested to the extent that I am. I didn't call him this weekend because in my mind I saw him on a date with someone else. I am sure the reader of this blog will think I am insecure and stupid. Guess what? I agree with you. I am the main cause of my being single and I will probably be that way for a good while.

On the flip side, this week I will train the senior trial attorney in my former section and I will make my transition to the homicide division. My junior in that section was promoted to senior; like I told her they would do. She is nervous and so am I. She will do fine. I on the other hand have my work cut out for me. I am looking forward to it but I know it will be hard work. The people in the division keep telling me that everything will be fine once I get settled in. I believe them. I just have to get comfortable first and then I will set the cruise control.

Memories

Tonight I treated my best friend to dinner as a birthday gift. She recently made it back to New Orleans and she was deserving of a night out without the kids. It was her 33rd birthday and I wanted to take her where ever she wanted to go. She selected the restaurant and she was satisfied with her selection. I wish I could have done more for her. She is my best friend and I can't imagine my life without her. After dinner, we came back to my apartment and she asked if I had our high school year book. It was one of the few things I was able to salvage from my apartment. I handed it to her and she just looked at how young we all looked. It took me back to the good ole days when things were easy. We didn't have a care in the world, we had fun and we were happy for the most part. As children we understood that we were less fortunate than some of the other kids in school with us, but we knew we wanted something more out of life. Most importantly, we had each other. Neither one of us knew then the friendship and bond that would eventually develop between us. She is the only good thing that happened to me in high school. She has been there for me everytime I needed her and for that I will always love her. So here's to you friend on your day. Happy Birthday Tara and I love you from the bottom of my heart!!! Thank you for being who you are and please don't ever change for anybody. Keep your smile and your personality because it not only shows how beautiful you are on the outside, but also on the inside. I love you!!!!

Here I Go

I have finally obtained internet access. I am so happy I don't know what to do but stay online now. My day was good. Court was great and I managed to finish my docket early. After lunch today, I saw my friend. Today was his first day and he looked happy. The office has assigned him to the juvenile division. Which is okay by me. I don't think I was quite ready to be in the same office with him just yet. The only thing I could think about was whether someone would flirt with him or he would flirt with somebody. I finally came to the conclusion that I can't control that. With that in mind, I will do my best to not worry about it and continue in our friendship.

Hurricane season has officially started as of recent and I must admit I have had my share of nightmares. For the past three nights in a row, I have dreamt of flooding and category one and two hurricanes in our city. I am so paranoid about all of this. I really don't know how to calm myself down, but hopefully I will figure something out. I certainly don't want to lose any sleep. My sleep pattern is already out of sync with normal night time sleep. I am sure the entire country will be watching every storm that threatens the Gulf of Mexico. One thing is for certain, I am not ready to deal with another Katrina.

In the next two weeks, my sister and her husband will travel to Georgia to pick up their child from his vacation. That translates to I will have the apartment to myself. I would like to do something with my friend. Some private time since we don't have much of it at this point. I am thinking I would like to cook dinner for him. The only thing is I don't know what to cook and I don't know how to cook. I guess I want to make a different kind of impression on him. Maybe I am trying too hard. Any feedback would be much appreciated. Till then....

Online Today

For the first time in so many weeks, I am online. I have not hooked up my own internet access yet. I am on my brother in laws' computer. Anywho so much has happened in the last couple of weeks. I don't like my new apartment, I am not too fond of my neighbors, and I am not comfortable living in the east. I am on edge about so much. But the good news is my sister is home, my mother is home, and shortly my best friend will be home. Her birthday is on the 22nd of this month. YOU GETTING OLD GIRLIE!!!!!! Other than that, my friend that I am interested in starts work at my office tomorrow. I helped push his resume through and now I don't know how to handle his presence in the office. I am scared he will find interest in someone else and forget all about me. My best friend told me to talk to him about it and see where things stand between him and I. But I don't know how to bring it up. If he says that we are just friends, then I will be disappointed. Practically every man that I have been interested in has rejected me and I am not ready for anymore rejection. If he were to say that he only looks at me as a friend then I will understand, but I will still be hurt because deep down inside I really believe I would like to have some sort of relationship with him. I don't know what to do, but do what I do best and that's not address the issue at all. My counselor seems to think I should tell him how I feel. But she knows that won't happen anytime soon.

On another issue. I have been thinking about the breast augmentation idea again. I have been thinking about getting a breast reduction. Everyone I have talked to about this idea thinks I am crazy. In a way I agree with them. For some reason I am not comfortable with my breast size. I don't want to be vain, but I don't know what is the problem with me. There is so much about myself that I dislike and I know if I start cosmetic surgery it won't stop at my breast. How do we as individuals get to a point where we love ourselves and the way we look? If anyone can answer that question for me then I will be forever in your debt. Anwyay, I miss talking to my blog friends. I will do my best to write again soon. Take care....