I Had A Nice Time

Last night, I finished my work around five or six and I decided to give my friend a call to see what he was doing. He and I talked for a while and had nothing to do for the rest of the evening. He asked me if my sister and her family took another trip to Atlanta. I laughed and told him no and that they don't plan on going to Atlanta until October. So I figured I would try to arrange something for the two of us. He said he had no plans, so I told him give me thirty minutes. I called my cousin who works at the Sheraton Hotel and she got me a deal on a room that was on the 46th floor with a beautiful view of the Mississippi River. I picked up some fruit, whipped cream, message oil and told him where to meet me. He came by and was thoroughly impressed with what I set up for the two of us. We both got comfortable and enjoyed our night together. We both were awakened by the sun creeping in through the partially opened shutters showing the sun rays glistening on the river. I wish I could describe the feeling that I feel when I wake up with his arms around me. In those moments, I just want to stay there and not move all day because the minute we depart its all I think about. We met up again for brunch after I checked out and talked about the motorcycle he wants to buy. He wanted my opinion on which one to get. I tried my best to give input. He said he wants one that isn't so flashy and has a seat comfortable enough so that I can ride with him. I haven't been on a motorcycle since I was a little girl and my uncle had one, but I certainly wouldn't tell him no I don't want to ride with him on his bike. Anyway I have enough to keep me happy for the week. I guess I will see him again when I come back from Sandestin. I will leave this Friday and come back on Tuesday of next week. When he and I will be able to spend time like that again, I don't know. But I do look forward to it with much anticipation.

Signs Of Change

In recent times, I have truly missed my own space. I am now back in the same position mentally and physically that I was in before I got my own place. That position was being confined to my bedroom when I was living with my parents. I no longer have unlimited space to do what I want with it and not to mention no privacy to do what I want with who. However, another thought has crept into my mind. Ordinarily I would never consider this because of the way I am and I know that I am not good with certain issues as such. But lately I have considered living with my friend. He is the only man for some reason that I am considering sharing space with. Now I know that idea is an invitation for other potential problems. I don't know why I am entertaining this idea. It's not as if he and I have even had this conversation. But something in me thinks that if he brought the idea up, I would entertain the thought and take him up on the offer. He and I have not made any attempts towards a relationship and for me to think about this is totally premature; maybe even borderline stupid. I know I don't want to jump into this idea head first simply because I am not happy with my current living arrangements. I am also telling myself that living with him is not the answer. I am also considering other things like maybe he doesn't want to live with anyone else or me for that matter. Also the potential problem of my wanting to live with him and nothing ever develops from there between us outside of a friendship or the possibilty of us growing a resentment for each other. Maybe something inside of me is making plans in my mind "for us" eventhough "us" isn't a reality. Maybe something in me wants a committment from him more than what I am willing to try and venture into. Maybe something in me wants to be more to him but I am just scared to tell him. Its amazing how I find in me the things that I want to do, but for some reason can't see why I am deserving of something more. There is so much about me that I am not ready to expose to him nor do I think I will be fair to him or myself if I went into a relationship or if I tried to formulate a relationship with him. He and I are supposed to have dinner tonight around six. Hopefully the rain will subside. I called him earlier to see if he wanted to have dinner with me, but I was too scared to ask. I cowardly told him that I about to find something to eat since my dinner options at home or by friends and family were limited. He asked me if I could wait for him to finish with his errands so that he and I can have dinner together. I was so happy that he asked, but why couldn't I just call him and ask him to dinner? The answer is fear of being told no. Fear of rejection. Why shouldn't I take innitiative to ask him out without being scared? When will I get past a point where I am comfortable with myself and understand that everything involoving matters of the heart will not go according to some plan or script. I see why I am in therapy. My counselor asked be the other day how did my parents show love or affection to me. I could not answer the question. At that point, I saw why I haven't been in meaningful relationships. Its because I don't know how to show love or affection to anyone.

Fake Ass People

Bottom line is this. I don't need anyone to act as if they have my best interest at heart. I don't need anyone to act as if they will go all out of the way to help me. If you want to be a hi and bye kind of friend, cool with me. If you want to call every blue moon and check in on me, cool with me. Even if you want to have lunch with me once every year or two, that's cool with me also. But please don't call me after having told me almost two years ago to not call you, and now act like everything is fine. Now because I am a nice person, if you need something and I can help, then so be it. All I ask is that you be real. Be who you are. Be the person you displayed to me because at least I know who I am dealing with at all times. My personlity type is very simple. Either I can deal with you or deal without you. Either way it won't matter whether you are there or not. If you're the type of person to come and go, then I know you will do just that: come and go. Doesn't matter if you stay. Doesn't matter if you leave. But please......just be real.

A Thin Line

Friday night turned out to be good afterall. The entire day was going bad at work and the evening started to look as though the night would be capped off with a disappointment. My friend arrived somewhere around eight and I was trying to get in a better mood mentally. We sat down had dinner, watched tv, and did some light talking. He wanted to watch tv in the bedroom which is what we typically do because we like to snuggle, get comfortable, have conversation and watch tv. I told him briefly that my day was bad and since nothing was on television we decided to turn it off. We talked about a few things, but then I finally decided to tell him how I felt about him. To my surprise he responded with he was very fond of me and if he wasn't then he wouldn't spend so much time in my company. He mentioned that he wasn't dating anybody nor was he interested in anyone else. He knows that I am not seeing anyone else as well. I decided to end the conversation right there because for the first time, I felt like I was finally on the same page with someone about my feelings. I know that I am not quite ready to commit but I like this comfort zone for some reason. In addition to that, something else made me stop the conversation. A voice said to me just lay back and enjoy the rest of the night without any pressure or thoughts. Forget about relationships, forget about past experiences, forget about opinions I was taught by my mom, forget about the reason why I am in therapy, forget about what happened today at work. Just relax and enjoy this moment. Now ordinarily sex between he and I is just sex. But for some reason it was different this time. For the first time I actually feel like I made love to someone. I went to sleep with a feeling I had never felt before. The next morning and throughout the entire weekend, I thought about Friday night and how his every touch made me feel good all over my body. I have never got that feeling from any other man before in my life. I have sat and contemplated trying to explain it and make sense of it. But then I realized that maybe its one of those things that I just can't explain. Its just a feeling that makes us see what life is all about. I don't know if he feels the same way as I do about that night, but I think there is a part of me that is curious to see what lies behind that door. Not to say that I want that from him because he and I have different plans in terms of our future here. But I now see that there is more to a man than just sex. But more importantly, I also see that I can offer a man something more than just sex.