Special Days

Today was memorable in so many ways. It is my sister birthday. It is the anniversity of my grandfather's death. And there has been a documentary on HBO for the past two days about what people in New Orleans experienced the following days after Katrina and the following months after the Katrina. Here it is one year later and I am still angry. To see people houses and therir lives sitting in a pile on the sidewalk is very disturbing. I don't visit my parents because I hate going to the house I grew up in and seeing it in an empty, damaged, ghostly, water line, quiet, no grass, state that it is in. All I think about is how the water must have came in and caused that much damage beyond belief and recognition. I am happy my sister celebrated her 34th birthday, but inside all I could do was cry today.

What Direction

So far, the homicide unit is coming along okay for me. I am learning new things and this level of prosecution is different from how I practiced in the trials division. This unit is more precise on practicing law. I don't regret the move. One of our more experienced homicide attorneys is leaving the office. And there is speculation that at the end of the year another one may be leaving. That will only leave us with two experienced homicide attorneys. I am not worried of course. I think in due time I will be fine. On another note, my friend was transferred to the trials division. Now I will see him practically everyday. I am fine with being in the same office with him, but I do feel a little intimidated. My best friend told me to talk to him about it. When he called tonight I mentioned it to him. Shockingly enough it bothered him when he saw me hug another man yesterday. I guess that means he and I are in the same boat when it comes to insecurities. What do we do about it? I don't know.

No Laughing Matter

I really do wish I could meet the motherfuckers who voted for Ray Nagin's ass, and ask them if they feel like the joke is on them. Why in the hell would I want to see fireworks and a comedy show during a memorial of an incident that robbed people of their lives and loved ones. We haven't seen that bastard since the election and when we do hear from him, he says something stupid. Tell me Mayor Nagin, what are your plans to rebuild our education system, our job market, our communities, our homes, so that we can rebuild our lives. I, like many other people, lost memorabalia of the last 31 years of my life. If I am blessed to have children, I won't be able to show them my kindergarten report card, my first pair of glasses, the house I grew up in, my prom picture, my cap and gown picture, my atari, my fifteen plus years of my cd collection, albums, forty-fives, eight track player, high school diploma, college deploma, law degree. How dare he find the energy and the audacity to think there is something to laugh about when we are all sitting in deep depression as we come upon the one year anniversary of the day that not only changed history, but our lives forever. KISS MY ASS RAY NAGIN!!!!!

What?!!!!!

I don't know what happened. The effexor was working and for the last three weeks, I have been having thoughts of suicide and bouts with depression. I have been in Sandestin, Florida for a conference and I have been depressed the entire time. I don't knw what it is, but I looked on the website to see the side of effects of the lunesta that I am taking and I learned something disturbing. For over a week, I have been thinking about taking the entire bottle of sleeping pills and I wanted to know what was prompting these thoughts. Come to find out, if a person is taking pills for depressing, and begin taking lunesta, the lunesta prompts the thoughts of depression because lunesta serves as a relaxing or "hypnotic type" pill. Someone else informed me that often times, the anti-depressant pill has to be supplemented after a while. I don't know what to do. At one point, the effexor was keeping me happy and the lunesta was helping me sleep. I don't want to stop taking either of them and I don't want to pay the cost of supplemental pills. I am all fucked up. I take medicine to breathe, sleep, be happy, and concentrate. Talk about being a jackass. The only good feeling I had was when I spoke with my friend today. I was happy to speak with him and I can't wait to see him.

On another note, shopping was alright. I didn't do as much shopping this year as I did last year. Reason being Hurricane Katrina took everything from me last year. I have been on edge and the dreams have started again. In my dream last night, the Mississippi River was flooding, the city was flooding, and I felt like I was about to die. I was in the house with my sister and she kept telling me to calm down. It was as if she didn't care and I was panicking. It felt so real and I woke up in the worst mood. I sometimes feel like I am so close to hurting myself that I actually get scared. I am trying to look at the bright side of things, but there is so much that I am tired of. The worst part is, I feel like I no longer have a strong bond with God. I feel like He dislikes me so much that He doesn't even want to make time to listen to me anymore.

I have to drive home in the morning. I will write later....