Reality and Honesty

I encountered my first relationship at the age of 21 when I was in college. I was infatuated with him and he was the first man that I had feelings for. I remember for Christmas I bought him a rope bracelet. He wore that bracelet every opportunity he could, and overall seemed pleased. Six months into the relationship, he made his departure. I didn't ask for the bracelet back, nor did he offer it back. But I didn't worry about the bracelet as I considered it a gift to him. It took me a while to get back in the mind set of wanting to be involved with anybody. Ten years as a matter of fact. Its amazing how time flies when you sit down and think about it. He of course resurfaced ten years later. Because we were going out often and calling each other, I figured maybe that was the second opportunity I had hoped for. I expressed my interest, and he of course didn't respond until a week later when he decided we shouldn't call each other anymore. I said okay and kept going. It must have hurt my feelings all of one day. After that I realized it just wasn't there. Whatever he and I had in college stayed in college, and we proceeded with our separate lives.

After that experience came the guy I am interested in now. As indicated in old postings on my blog, he and I have always been off or on. After the storm, feelings were expressed, and we saw each other again once he moved back to New Orleans. We call each other damn near everyday, go out somewhere practically every weekend, spend nights at each other home, and enjoy sex with each other. For his birthday, I bought him a bracelet. I haven't figured out this thing about men and bracelets, but the story goes on. He opened up to me about things in his life and became more comfortable around me, and I in turn did the same thing. Last week, I told him about the rape that I experienced. I wanted to be open about everything and not hide anything from him. Last week, he tendered his letter of resignation to the office. Not saying that my incident had anything to do with that decision of course. Once he moved to the trials division, he really didn't like all the work that was involved and the time that has to go into the job. I knew resignation was coming, I just didn't know when. Last night he asked me to come by and I said sure. I wanted to share with him my day because my name was placed in the newspaper regarding a high profile case I was able to close. That kind of capped my day. He and I were talking and he told me that he was thinking about going into real estate law. I told him that field is lucrative and there is a need here in New Orleans for real estate lawyers. He then told me not in New Orleans, in Oakland. He said he was going to start making plans for his move. That hurt, but I didn't let it show. I was trying to figure out a way to leave, but I couldn't because it would have been obvious. I spent the night, but I couldn't sleep. I wanted to leave early, but it was raining so bad outside, and I panick whenever it rains, so I stayed put. Normally he and I sleep under each other, but I stayed far away as possible. He would put his arm around me, but I didn't even feel like being touched. The only difference between this guy and my ex-boyfriend is that he gave the bracelet back.

I have reached the conclusion that no matter what, people will hurt you in any situation. Our hearts can not be shielded from it. In relationships a person is either hurt emotionally, raped, beaten, killed, etc. I see it in my job on a daily basis, and I see trends of it in my personal life. I am not mad at him for making his decision, but it does hurt. He always told me that California was a relocation interest of his and he and I never committed to a relationship. I was just hoping maybe he would see things differently and want to stay here and be with me. Wishful thinking. I will still be his friend, but now I am not so eager to want to spend time with him. I guess I need to make plans to get ready for his departure. What am I to do?

Angie

On September 4, 2006, my cousin Angie celebrated her 20th birthday. On September 5, 2006, she died in a car accident. She had just finished high school and this was her first semester at Alcorn State University. She was on the Cheerleading Team and the Soccer Team. She received all kinds of athletic awards and honor awards. She was popular among her peers and she was friends with everybody. She always had a smile on her face and she had a great sense of humor. Unfortunately she was the passenger in a car that was being driven by someone under the influence of alcohol. He lost control of the car, hit a building, the car flipped several times, and then hit a pole. My cousin died from head trauma, and he walked away with a few injuries. None life threatening. The back two passengers fled the scene. The police are investigating the accident, and I am waiting on a police report to see if there is a possible civil suit for wrongful death. Angie left behind her mother, father, 26 year old sister, and 11 year old sister. Its been hard to accept the fact that everytime I go to Mississippi to visit my family, I will never see her again. A once active and vibrant person was reduced to an expressionless shell of what used to be. Her face was swollen from the accident and it was unbelievable that my cousin was no longer smiling. Eventhough I didn't see her everyday, I miss her dearly. I know everybody has a set time on this earth, and none of us can escape death when its our time, but it just seems like she was robbed of her future and we were robbed of our relative at such a young age. I am sure she is resting in peace, in heaven, looking down on us, trying to let us know she is alright now. There is no more pain for her. She is no longer gasping for air. Her scars are healed. Her spirit is free. When I think about it that way, I guess she really is the lucky one. Being that she has jumped the hurdle that most people fear; death. Angie if you are listening to my heart, keep smiling for us.

The Good, The Bad, The Mom

There is a lot I could say about yesterday afternoon. My mom came by, and unbeknownst to her, she upset me and insulted me. Without knowing who raped me, or that I was raped for that matter, she told me that his children were supposed to be her grandchildren. She told me that I was borderline psycho for seeing a psychiatrist and taking medicine. She also told me that I was gaining weight. Not to mention, she kept calling the man I have been expressing some form of interest in Jacob or Jonathan. As long as I have been single and made no mention of being interested in anyone, she constantly asked me about prospects when it came to men. Now that I have said the same name to her on numerous occasions, she says nothing about him, and just tells me to get pregnant without being married so that she can have more grandchildren. I tried not to let it bother me. I tried to hold it in as long as I could because yesterday was a big day for me, and I wanted to focus on presenting a birthday gift to the man that I have feelings for. But when I was driving to his house, all I could do was cry. I had to drive around until I stopped crying and my eyes were no longer red.

Even with all that, I regained my focus. My friend and I went to dinner, and afterwards we came back to my place and watched tv. Before I left my apartment to have dinner with him, I placed his gift in a gift bag and sat it on the bed so it would be out of view once we came back here. When we got here, I walked into my bedroom and he followed, but I didn't turn the light on. I turned on the tv and loaded the dvd player. As he was waiting, he looked over to the bed and asked, "what's that?" I said I don't know, and he looked at it again. Because the bag read happy birthday, he asked if it was for him, and I said yes. He smiled and gave me a kiss. He grabbed the bag and asked me what was in it. I told him let's open it and find out. He took the box out and displayed this big smile without even opening it. He finally opened it and looked surprised and happy. That moment was priceless to me. He told me that I was too generous and that I didn't have to do buy him a gift. As I helped him put it on, I told him I know I didn't have to buy him a gift, but that I wanted to buy him a gift. His bracelet fit well and he seemed extremely happy.

Despite the bad day my mom made me experience, it still turned out to be a wonderful evening afterall.