My Thanksgiving Holiday

My first day in Chicago was exciting for me. I came so close to meeting Oprah Winfrey. I thought I was finally going to come face to face with a self made billionaire. I guess I will have to wait until I get important enough for her to interview me. Madison, Wisconsin is so quiet and pretty. I wasn't able to take in much of the city, but I had fun with my cousins. I must admit it was different being here and not at home for Thanksgiving. I came to the realization that I didn't want to be in New Orleans for the holiday because nothing was going to be the same. My parents house still isn't finished and I just couldn't bare being in the city under the circumstances and remnants of Katrina. My best friend could hear in my voice that I was somewhat sad. I missed being with my family and my best friend. I guess I will stay home for Christmas. My sister's house will be finished by then. I called my friend today to wish him a happy thanksgiving, but he was somewhat short. He said he wasn't a holiday person and talked for a minute and hung up. I was disappointed but I guess I can't change any of that. I keep telling myself that he isn't coming home, and it is somewhat difficult to grasp that portion of reality. There is a part of me that misses him, but I am trying to make myself forget about him. On a brighter note, I have to get ready to move into my new apartment and plan activities for my birthday. I will fly home tomorrow, and I have a couple of social activities to go to. One is a concert and the other is a boat ride. I am scared of both events considering the amount of people that will be there and the fact that the boat is on water. I still haven't forgotten about my conversation at my last session. I have thought about it, but I don't have any conclusion on the matter. It is hard to think I am in need of love or fulfillment of some sort. Maybe my concept of love and fulfillment is incorrect and jaded. Maybe my experiences and relationships have forced me to see something that is working to my detriment. Maybe the fact that I think too much about shit cause me to give up on things before I even try. I just don't know how to see things from a different perspective. I guess the bottom line is I am my biggest enemy. My biggest threat. My biggest competition. Self destructive.

"Fulfillment", "Love" & "Need"

The definition of fulfillment is to make full; to meet the requirements of; to bring to an end; to measure up to. The definition of love is a strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties. The definition of need is a necessary duty; a lack of something requisite, desirable or useful; a physiological or psychological requirement for the well being of an organism; a condition requiring supply or relief. Those three words came up in my session today and I am still trying to figure out how my counselor wants me to understand them in a different sense. I have never thought of myself as having "fulfillment" of something because it has always come in the form of satisfying someone else. As a result, I haven't really used that word in relation to me. I don't see how the word "love" comes into play in my life outside the love I may have for my family and my best friend. And the word "need" scares me. I think it scares me more than the word "love." But in any event, of the three definitions, I don't see how those words would appear inviting to anyone. For the entire evening, I have been trying to wrap my brain around whatever concept of those words either she has, or I should have. It was probably the most confusing session I have ever experienced with her. Before I write anything further on this subject, I will think about it some more and sleep on it. I will resume tomorrow....

Criticism

There are people on this earth who simply can not take criticism. Even if its constructive, they refuse it. One of the girls in my class had to respond to every piece of advice given to her by the instructors. It wasn't as if they told her something that wouldn't benefit her. Quite frankly, to me she appears to be a little spacy and defensive. I would never give her that type of criticism of course because it would be unsolicited, and its just my opinion of someone I don't know. But it puzzles me why she couldn't just act like she appreciated their criticizm/advice on how to be a better prosecutor. I would have just nodded my head and said okay, but no two people are alike. At that moment, I did more thinking to myself. I wondered if she realizes the purpose of this conference. I am of the opinion, if you want somebody to stroke your ego about how good you are, then you should only talk to someone who constantly promotes you in spite of. Or record yourself giving yourself kudos, and keep pressing rewind and play. The purpose of this dull ass trip, is to teach us better skills, or refine the skills we possess. There is always room for growth in this profession. I have received valuable critism since I have been in this awful city. I have also realized I am socially inept to some degree, but that's another conversation. For the most part, a majority of the prosecutors in the class do not have a lot of jury trial experience. The only way to become a better trial attorney is to have jury trials. But no other city is like New Orleans. In any other jurisidiction, people are scared of the DA, and will plead to anything to get out of jail early, or avoid jail time. In New Orleans its a little different. Defendant's at one time knew the jurors didn't trust the police, so they took their chances before a jury. That was pre-katrina of course. Now defendant's will select judge trials. As far as this conference goes, I would recommend it to the next person. I just wish it could be in a more lively city than Columbia.

I Don't Like It Here

Today is day two of being in Columbia, South Carolina. I am extremely bored, there's nothing to do, and I don't know anyone here. It's extremely annoying listening to other attorney's talk about themselves, and how much they know or have accomplished. For the most part, I go to the scheduled classes, and then return to my room. But I realized something last night, and this morning. Last night, there was a conference dinner that everyone had to attend. Everyone around me talked to each other and I just sat there not engaging in conversation. I really didn't want to talk to anyone because as soon as I say I am from New Orleans, all they want to talk about is Hurricane Katrina and its effects on the city. If I said more than eight words, I said a lot. When I came back to my room, I realized that I am the one with the problem. I have always believed there was nothing interesting enough about me to keep someone's attention, and as a result, I don't socialize in social settings. This morning I realized that my purpose here is to learn how to be a better attorney, and work in groups. So this morning I tried a different approach. I participated in class discussions and came to the harsh realization that my perception of people and the world is totally different than the other attorney's in my group. Granted there were many things that I didn't agree with, particularly when it came to jury selection, but I also realized there is a racial line that white male attorney's hate to tread. Or maybe they just don't like to admit its there. Funny thing is, I wanted to exclude the black male jurors, but I couldn't get them to understand why. So finally I explained that jury selection, in my opinion, is not about who I like most, but who identifies more with the victim, and who identifies more with the defendant. Race as well as other factors will always play a role in that. I understand its a gray area no one likes to discuss, and it has a tendency to make people feel uncomfortable. But it is what it is-reality.

TMI

On saturday, I decided to go into the office to get a few things accomplished before flying out to South Carolina for the week. During the course of my day, I began to wonder just how much information about myself could be discovered by an internet search. So I googled my own name. My name came up with related articles of me with the DA's Office, the place where I teach a course, the law school I attended, and the bar association. All of which are to be expected. But most importantly, my blog site!!!! I went crazy! There it was on display. My name, my blog name, and my blog site. My life's story on display for all to see. The first thing I did was remove the poem that I posted, then I decided to remove the entire entry. After that, I sought diligently to see if I could change my blog site and I found a way. I had to change everything. I remember when I first posted the poem, I mistakenly posted my name with it as well because I always sign and date my poems. The day after I posted the poem, I realized I revealed my identity on my blog and edited the post by deleting my name. By then it was too late. A few days later, I saw my name attached to my blog and wanted to kill whoever created the internet. I am slowly thinking about getting away from the whole blog thing. I don't mind being anonymous, but I am not ready to share openly with everyone who knows me everything about me. Sorry for the inconvenience folks.