Remember Me?

So its been a while since I have posted anything on my blog. This is largely because I really didn't have much that I wanted to say. Things have happened, things have changed, whether or not I have is a different story however. The office atmosphere is better. The media doesn't attack us like they used to. We are happy being prosecutors again. No one was fired or laid off to settle a debt. But most importantly, last Friday I celebrated my 34th birthday. I must admit I was surprised by my party, and the number of people who appeared to celebrate my day. I was thoroughly surprised and pleased. It took me the entire weekend to sober up, but it was worth it. I guess now I need to sit down and think about what's next for me. Today I realized that I spend far too much money on material things. I think I came to this realization after I heard myself say out loud that I purchased a watch that cost me over $400.00 as a birthday gift to myself. Granted I don't have any kids, or have to pay mortgage, but I need to start being more responsible with my money. Its amazing how some things can change over night; like turning 34.

The Straw That Broke The Camel's Back

I have sat quietly in my home keeping up with the latest news stories regading District Attorney Eddie Jordan. It is now time for me to break my silence. Last Friday, I was by my parents house getting ready to dive into my week off from the office and guess what I saw on WDSU ten o'clock news. A story about an armed robber fleeing the scene of an accident and running directly to Eddie Jordan's house. My mouth dropped as I dropped whatever it was I was doing to make sure I didn't miss the story. As a prosecutor for almost five years here in Orleans Parish, I can pretty much tell when a story just doesn't sound right. And on Friday night of last week when Eddie Jordan FIRST told the media that he and his "girlfriend" didn't know the young man who came to their home nor did they know he had just committed a crime, I said to myself I bet his "girlfriend" knows that bastard. Low and behold two or three days later the media reports that Eddie Jordan says his "girlfriend" knows the suspect and his family. Then to add insult to injury, Eddie Jordan later says that his "girlfriend" spent an entire day with the suspect and another young man in Baton Rouge. What the fuck!!!!!

Let's just go over the stories Eddie Jordan has told the media. Story #1: the young man came to the house, knocked on the door and said he had just been in a car accident. Eddie Jordan asked the young man if he was ok, let him into his home to use the phone, and a few minutes later, the young man left. Two or three days later, they saw the young man on the news and immediately called the police. Eddie said he nor his "girlfriend" knew the young man.

Story #2: Eddie Jordan said he was in his bedroom when he heard a noise coming from his backyard. He looked out the window and saw his "girlfriend" talking to a young man in their backyard.

Story #3: Eddie Jordan said he was in his bedroom when he heard a noise coming from his backyard. As he exited his bedroom, he saw the young man seated in his stairwell saying he had been in an accident. Minutes later, the young man and his "girlfriend" went into the backyard where the young man used the cell phone, and then the young man left.

Eddie Jordan also said he didn't have reason to think the young man was lying or had just robbed someone because he was just a kid. NEWSFLASH MR. JORDAN: MOST OF THE CRIMINALS IN ADULT COURT YOUR OFFICE PROSECUTES ARE KIDS. NOT TO MENTION THAT DIVISION IN YOUR OFFICE YOU CALL JUVENILE COURT. This man has managed to single-handedly bring down the image of the office and lower morale in the office to an all time low. No one person can curtail criminal activity, and the public shouldn't expect it. The truth of the matter is witnesses don't like to come forward. The truth of the matter is NOPD is over-worked and they rush investigations just for the sake of closing the case on their end. The district attorney's office can only do so much when it comes to crime and our office can only do what is allowed under the law. However, it is the responsibility of the district attorney to be able to legally inform the public and the police on whether a case is suitable for prosecution. We are the lawyers for the public. Therefore, we have to give the legal advice to the public. Not the other way around. But it is embarassing to have an armed robber run to the home of the district attorney apparently seeking refuge through whatever relationship he has with the district attorney's "girlfriend." Why is she keeping this kind of company anyway? I don't give a damn if it was her birthday, she should understand she has to maintain an image just because. Not to mention this suspect is also suspected of shooting an officer and his wife shortly after the armed robbery.

Way to go Mr. Jordan. Just when I thought that things couldn't get any worst for you, they some how have. Bit of advice to you Mr. Jordan. You and your "girlfriend" should stop giving comments to the media because your words will eventually come back to haunt you.

Why I Don't Vote

Today was election day here in the state of Louisiana. While I did very little research on one candidate for governor, I decided this morning not to vote. I simply can not vote for people just for the sake of preventing another person from getting into office. All of the candidates sing the same song, but once the election is over everything goes back to hell. Nothing changes and you wait another four years to listen to people beg for your vote, and trash the city with all their paraphernalia. Unfortunately when it comes to voting, just like everything else, people are voting against a candidate because of their race. Perfect example: the mayoral race after Katrina. People voted for Nagin because they didn't want a white man (Mitch Landrieu) in office. Eventhough Landrieu was clearly the better candidate, he lost because black people didn't want to vote for someone who could move this city forward. Black people decided to vote based upon some conspiracy theory that all of the white people were trying to push all of the black people out of office and the city. And here we are almost three years after Katrina and nothing has changed for the better. I understand that people marched and died for our right to vote. But what people need to understand is that those people marched and died so that we could exercise our right to vote or not to vote. There is a difference in being told you can't vote as opposed to deciding not to vote. I am not saying that I am right in all of this because if I came across a candidate I thought was sincere in wanting to help his or her city or state, then I would vote for that person. Hell I would even campaign for the person. Pass out literature in the heat. But I don't see any sincerity in any candidate for any political seat. I guess in a perfect world elections would be about change for the better; not because of black or white.

An Extra Day Of Solitude

Today turned my three day weekend into a four day weekend. I only requested to have this past Friday off, but since court was closed today, I decided to stay home. I will tell my supervisors tomorrow when I go to work. I know some of you may be saying, "Boy I wish I had a job like that." Actually it's not all that bad to be able to come and go as I please. I guess that's one of the perks of being in that office. But today was not a day to do absolutely nothing. I decided to print out some resumes/cover letters for employment elsewhere. So far I have sent out two. One in the city and the other in DC. I have not made any decisions to make a move. I figure I will have to give myself some options before I make any decisions that important.

The poem that I posted to the right of this blog is important to me. I wrote it September 28, 2000. That is seven years ago. At the time I wrote it, I was just a law student, not an attorney who "wears the guise." Not to mention, I didn't have any particular man in mind when I wrote it. I was just up a little after midnight, and I decided to pick up my pencil and open my poetry book. The words just began to pour onto the paper. It was as if I wrote it with no effort or premeditation. Strangely, I do feel like I have to make a choice between money and family. I realize that I am more concerned with making money, but I am starting to think about what my counselor seems to think. She think in some ways I want a family; just scared of it and choose not to be in a relationship. She may be right. I still haven't figured that out. But I do know that I do not actively seek anyone to be in a relationship with. Everyone will probably agree that the best way to find a relationship is to not look for it. But even if I stumble upon one inadvertently, I will do something to distance myself. Just so the reader knows, I was this way before I was raped of course. I have always had a commitment complex. The rape has heightened if however. The idea of being raped by someone I have known since high school makes me think that I can't trust anyone new. So I guess the poem holds true to some degree; maybe I wil love someone "in another lifetime."

My Three Day Weekend

Yesterday I decided to stay home--translation; stay in my bed all day. The only time I left my apartment was to go visit my psychiatrist who thinks that I am doing better these days. I must admit that I agree with him. Ever since I have been taking Cymbalta, my mood has been so much better. Work doesn't bother me like it used to, or as much as it used to. I don't have as many scary dreams as I used to. I don't think about killing myself like I used to. The only things that haven't changed is that I am still not comfortable in my surroundings. Whenever I wake up, I still feel disoriented not knowing where I am. The smallest sound makes me feel as if someone is in my apartment standing over me waiting to attack me. And my sleep pattern is still off. Although I must say the Cymbalta has my sleep pattern at a hit or miss. At one point, I had to take sleeping pills in order to go to sleep. Now I will either fall asleep on my own or go one or two nights without sleep. The reason why I don't want to take the sleeping pills often are for two reason. One, my body will get immune to them such that they stop working, and two, the pills I am taking can cause weight gain. The last thing I want to do is gain more weight. I am in the process of changing my eating habits and what I eat. I never realized how much thought has to go into that. I haven't done too much today but watch videoes on vh1. They're playing all the music that I grew up to. Music used to sound so good......

Lyrics and Feelings

I am sitting here listening to India Arie cd. It is her third release. I purchased it as soon as it came out because I think she is one of the few talented musicians in the industry today. This lady has it all. She can write music, play music, and can sing relatively well-unlike many singers in R&B. Namely Beyonce', but that is another blog. Anyway, India remade a song on her cd. The title is Forgiveness. While I am not sure who the original composer was, it is one of my favorite songs on her cd. Let me just say I think the entire cd is great. The lyrics are so on point. Its one of those cd's I put in, listen to, and can just relate. I love the way she writes. She put lyrics together that makes the listener relate. I took a quote from the song Forgiveness, and I posted it on my blog as the quote of the week. I think the lyrics to this song grabbed a hold of me because the cd was released around the same time my cousin died last year in a car accident. This song was one of the things that helped not have anger inside of me against the man responsible for her death. Everytime I hear it, I think of Angie. I can remember the day as if it was yesterday. I received the call about her death around one o'clock in the morning. As I was driving to work later that morning, I noticed the sky was so blue, and my surroundings were calm. I was accelerating up the high rise when I looked at the sky, and I saw my cousin Angie face. She was smiling as if everything was okay now. As if she was saying remember my smile and the laughter I shared with you all when we were together. A tear rolled down my cheek, but I pulled myself together, and proceeded to work in my attorney mode. It wasn't until a year later that I actually grieved, but everytime I hear that song, I think of Angie, her mother, father, and sisters. When an artist can grab a person with music and lyrics, its helps me realize that we all have feelings. The same feelings. It makes me believe that people who are true musicians can grasp anyone through their music; that's how we relate with the artist. India....I wish you could get the recognition you deserve. Unfortunately, there are too many ignorant people looking at the wrong things and listenting to the wrong things creating the illusion that music is just about being half dressed, having half a voice, and shaking your ass like a stripper.

That Song Is A Jam

I am no huge fan of Fantasia, but that song is the shit!!! The title is "When I See You." I purchased the CD just for that song, and its all I listen you. I love the beat, the melody, the vocal arrangements, the words, and the way she sings the song. She is displaying her true voice control in this song; which is different from her usual raspy screaming that I hear in her other songs. When I first saw her on American Idol, I didn't care for her voice until I watched her as she sang Summertime. I was able to hear a different side to her singing. As months passed, I just couldn't put my finger on why I couldn't get into her voice. But then it hit me. I saw her perform on a gospel award show, and I realized that she has a voice to sing gospel. Not so much R&B. However, this song really shows off her smooth vocal talent. And eventhough she displays the raspy sound towards the end of the song, it doesn't drown out the background vocals. I love the words as well. Simple songs like this means a lot to me. Its lyrics everyone can relate to and if you close your eyes, you can fall deep into the melody. Fantasia gets big props from me on this one.

The Real Problem In Jena Is The Disease Of Ignorance

For months now, I have listened to people complain about the unfortunate activities amongst high school students in Jena. To be honest, I have deliberately elected not to read any articles about it because I don't like to receive any information from the media. Another reason is I don't want to get anyone's opinion about it because it would be just that-an opinion and not facts. What I did take note of is the amount of attention nationwide this incident has drawn. So I decided to find out a little more about what events occurred that led to yesterday's protest. I have read articles and public comments/opinions about this, but what I haven't read in any of those articles or opinions is a question that people have neglected to ask. That question is where are the parents in all of this, and what are they doing about the actions of their children; both black and white.

From what I have read, the actions, reactions, and results were unnecessary, unwarranted, and ignorant. Have the parents explained to their children how their foolish actions or reactions have escalated into something that was totally uncalled for? Ignorance is defined as a lack of knowledge, education, or awareness. If that doesn't describe the events in Jena, then what does? In 2007, there are white children perpetuating segregation by adhering to a long standing tradition of a "white only tree" on school grounds. In 2007, a black student has to ask permission to sit underneath this "white only tree" on school grounds. In 2007, white students make a statement against black students sitting underneath this "white only tree" by hanging a noose(es) from this "white only tree." In 2007, black students seek adult assistance and get improper attention. In 2007, a black student is beaten by white students because he chose to ignore the ignorance, and sit underneath the "white only tree." In 2007, black students respond to this chain of ignorance with physical violence ultimately exposing them to criminal charges, criminal arrests, and criminal convictions. In 2007, where in the hell are the parents in the midst of all this ignorance?

A rational parent would have told their child that he/she can't tell anybody where to sit in a public place. A rational parent would have told their child that racist displays such as a noose hanging from a tree is completely unacceptable. Its a painful image and reminder of what existed in American history, and it should not be a part of anyone's experience today. A rational parent would have told their child that physical violence is not the way to resolve anything, and if complaints to the appropriate people yeilded negative results, then that's when the rational parent becomes involved and find a lawyer willing to make a name for his or herself and file a civil suit against the appropriate people or entities. This is an unfortunate situation that involves children, parents, and professional adults who are lacking knowledge, education, and awareness. In sum, children, parents, and professional adults who are ignorant. There is a lack of knowledge regarding the history of racism and segregation. The lack of educating our children of all aspects of American history. An education that should be inclusive of more than a just few black leaders in this country. There is more to slavery and the evolution of this country than just Harriett Tubman, Marcus Garvey, Martin Luther King, Jr., Rosa Parks, Muhammed Ali, and Thurgood Marshall. Most importantly, the lack of awarenss regarding how racist acts affects people emotionally; black and white people. How physical violence impacts black and white people-not only leaving physical scars, but mental scars as well.

American people have come a long way, but we have a long road ahead of us. My response to comments made by adults trying to rationalize or justify the actions of these children is this. Those actions can't be rationalized or justified, and if you think those children (black or white) were justified in their actions, then please do a favor for the people who live in the small community of polite society. Either don't have children, or designate someone with better sense to raise your children. Maybe that might circumvent another Jena. Think about it....

Nominees For Jackass Of The Week Award

This category is for the Jackass of the Week Award, and the nominees are:

OJ Simpson-this once respectable and famed athelete jackass got arrested for some dumb shit (shit that I still don't understand) after literally getting away with murder. Hey jackass...Cochran is dead!!!!

Snakeman-this Barnum and Bailey jackass decided he wanted to prove that his pet rattlesnake was harmless. So what does he do? He puts the damn snake in his mouth, and the snake bites his ass causing venom to flow through his body and causing ,among other things, suffocation. This foolish act could have killed his ass in SEVEN MINUTES. Hey jackass...get a fucking dog like normal people!!!!

Wanna Be Copkiller-this no-name jackass shot a policeman in a parish located in Louisiana. The thing about this shooting is that this is the first time in the history of the police department in that parish that a cop was shot in the line of duty. His ass was lucky they didn't shoot and kill his ass. Hey jackass....just kill yourself before the State of Louisiana do!!!!

Gov. Kathleen Blanco-this once highly regarded politician jackass and the people she placed in charge of administering Road Home money has awarded money to people who had no damage from Hurricane Katrina. In fact, they didn't even live in the part of the city that was damanged by the hurricane. And now, the Road Home funds are almost depleted. Hey jackass....there are still people displaced who haven't received any money to rebuild their homes destroyed by what? The fucking hurricane!!!!


Those are the nominees. Now before I make a decision on my own, I want you, the public, to vote and post your reasons for your vote on my blog. Otherwise, I'm just gonna pick OJ dumb ass.

Know Your Surroundings

Ordinarily, I wouldn't pass comments as such, but this needs to be said. Our district attorney has done it again. He has managed to bring unnecessary attention to himself and the office. Just when I thought there was nothing else that could put the spotlight on the office, his ass managed to do it. His chief investigator has been conducting a surveillance/investigation of a top figure in the NOPD for no legal reason. In fact, the office had to apologize for the intrusion and released a statement that there is no pending investigation against this person. The problem with this is our district attorney has made bad decisions since day one. When he was elected, upon taking office he entrusted someone to hire new people and fire people under the old administration. Eventually he was sued for discrimination, and now the office owes these people millions that was awarded in the lawsuit.

As much as I hate to make this next statement, it needs to be said. Affirmative action can have bad repercusions. There is no reason why our district attorney should have been U.S. Attorney and there is no reason why he should have been elected as district attorney. This man knows absolutely nothing about the law. Its pathetic and difficult to say that I actually work for him. He doesn't know state law so I can imagine he knew very little federal law-if any at all. In addition to him coming from the federal level of prosecution, he brought in people from the federal level and placed them in high ranking positions in the office. Guess what? They don't know anything either!!!!! If you don't know the daily functions of an office, if you don't know the law, and if you don't know anything about investigation tactics, then surround yourself with people who do!!! Don't place people there just because they're your friends, they're black, they're your lunch buddies on a daily basis. Award people positions because they can get the damn job done. And even if they are not familiar with the system, select someone who is competent enough to take the initiative to learn it. Don't surround yourself with bafoons because at the end of the day, its your name in the paper, and your face on the news. The people he surrounded himself with has been the cause of all of his problems. This man has to be the only polician in history to have a good reputation prior to taking office, and at the end of his term have the worst reputation ever. His legal career is probably at an end. No law firm will hire him. No organization will support him financially for another campaign, and I don't know many people who will vote for him again. The only place he can possibly gain employment would be at a predominately black university/law school.

And most importantly.....don't be stubborn. When someone offer advice, listen!!! All of the good advice he received came from outside sources. It was the jackasses he trusted that fucked him.

Something Different

I didn't have much to write about for the past few days. I have been sleeping the entire weekend and I took in a movie late Sunday evening. I saw the movie with Jody Foster and Terrence Howard. It was okay. I've seen better and I've seen worst. Its an average show I suppose but it was worth getting out of the house. I have made some adjustments to my blog page. I hope those who checks in likes it. And for the love of God, please don't take my poems and tell people you wrote them. I am posting something so sacred to me, so all I ask is for respect and honesty.

Finding Commitment

I spent the weekend thinging a lot about myself and what I eat-or don't eat. I have reached the conclusion that I am not happy with my diet. In fact, I don't think I have ever been satisfied with my diet. That is inclusive of the period in my life when I would have considered myself to be a decent size. What I am trying to commit myself to is making better food decisions. Along with better food habits, I have started my pilates routine. My first step involved a ten minute routine targeting abs and thighs. THAT SHIT HURT LIKE HELL!!!!!! Those ten minutes made me understand what "out of shape" really means. Word to the wise. If you haven't stretched in a while, you might wanna start some time soon. I am sure my body will remind me of all of this in the morning. Anyway, my pilates dvd has like seven different ten minute exercise regimes targeting different parts of the body, and it also has a fifteen minute pilates workout. I have started on the ten minute workouts respectively. I haven't quite put together a diet that I want to practice. My intentions are not to remove my favorites from my dietary intake. I love chips too much for that. It's the healthy foods that I want to increase/implement in my diet. As everyone knows, I don't know how to cook. Therefore, essential vegetables and properly cooked foods don't make its way to my kitchen table. I am trying to change my way of thinking, eating, and living. I stayed home from work today and thought about this all day. I also slept for the most part, but that is neither here nor there. I needed to take some time out for me despite it being a workday. I am hoping this is something I can commit to because I typically don't stick to any one thing. I have always hated routinely doing things, but the truth of the matter is I need that discipline hanging over me. Otherwise, I get all out of proportion metally and physically. Wish me luck!!!

It's Simply Not Fair

After having dinner with a law school friend, having a drink, and smoking a cigar, I have finally made it home. Upon entering my home, the only thing I have turned on is the computer. Darkness surrounds me and silence is in my ears. I have held back tears, and I have shedded tears. I received news earlier tonight that the young man responsible for my cousins' death last year was only found guilty of Driving Under the Influence. Today marks the one year anniversary of my cousins' death, which is ironically the day he received a verdict for this crime. Yesterday would have been my cousin 21st birthday. So much has gone through my mind. Everything from disbelief to sorrow. I don't hate the guy. I don't even know him, but I find it hard to believe that a judge or jury didn't find his actions negligent. I am sure when my cousin saw her 20th birthday, she didn't think the following day would be her last day. I can't help but think about what went through her mind during the final precious seconds of her life. I wonder if she was thinking why didn't I stay home? Why did I get in this car tonight? If I make it through tonight, then tomorrow I will be fine. Was that truly the last time I will see my parents? I don't want to say goodbye. I don't want to die, right here, right now, at this age. How is any of this fair to me? Will my next breath be my last gasp?

Everyone says we feel the same thing in death as we felt before we were born; nothing. Sure my cousin isn't in any pain anymore. But I am sure her mother and father are still feeling a pain that is immeasurable. A pain I am certain will never cease. Questions that will never be answered. A desire to hold there baby one more time. A desire to watch their child have children. A cry from so deep within that it hurts just to let it out. An everlasting wish to see their child walk through the door, call on the phone, see her smile, hear her voice. None of that can be replaced. They have been let down from both angles. Let down by the person whom they thought was a responsible young man/friend of the family. And let down by the justice system. When will my aunt and uncle get justice? When will they be able to move on and be happy? When will they find peace within? I am inclined to think the answer to those questions would be when they die.

Like Music

On Friday of last week, I left work feeling kind of good. I don't know why, I just did. I have reached the conclusion that I am going to begin the wheels to start my own law practice. For some reason, I am excited about this. Considering I have no money to invest in my business, and I have no clients as of yet, I am happy about the idea. Yesterday, I found out I was moved to another section of court with my friend. This friend is one of the two people I want to go into practice with. The judge in this section is laid back, so if I need to go to civil court to take care of civil matters, I can while my co-counsel holds down the fort in criminal court. I met with a colleague of mine from law school and he and I decided to work together on some cases. For the time being, he will refer civil cases to me and once I branch out of the office, then I will begin criminal defense work. I came home and obtained a federal tax identification number on-line, and tomorrow I will open up a client-trust fund account with the bank. I am excited about this new venture for me. I think as long as I was just focused on the office I am currently working for, I was depressed and didn't want to think about my future because I couldn't see past that office. But something inside of me is beginning to look at things in another perspective. I don't expect to go out, hang my shingle, and become a millionaire over night. But it sure would be great to make additional money in the months to come. I am praying that I can keep a straight head and think logically throughout this venture. It feels so good to me and it feels so right--just like music.

How Does It Feel?

It is 4:30 a.m., and I have decided to post something on my blog. I don't feel bad about being awake right now because actually I woke up about an hour ago. I took a sleeping pill around 7:30 p.m., and I think I fell asleep somewhere around eight something-so I am well rested. I haven't posted anything for days now because I really didn't want to discuss what has been bothering me for weeks now. However, I need to vent without actually complaining in someone's ear. I have this internal pain and aggravation stemming from by job and how the office didn't support our unit when we came under fire by the media and the public. It feels like someone is constantly pointing fingers at me to place blame somewhere. It feels like someone digging the dagger deeper and deeper in my back. Everytime I walk into court or the office, I feel like someone is laughing at me or is disappointed in me. Its not so much that my ego can't take it. Its more so that I am truly sadened by the whole event.

I wasn't able to go to sleep last night so I decided to google my name to read reports that I was connected to by way of my job. I came across articles of different organizations discussing how I did an ineffective job as a prosecutor, and how I should have been reprimanded or terminated. These were organizations I have never heard of with articles published by people who don't even know me. I try to tell myself that these people are posting comments about matters after receiving information from their only source-the media. Unfortunately, that just doesn't work. What's more upsetting is that the office didn't want to be upfront about the mistake they created-not me or the unit. Its not a good feeling to have your name or reputation tarnished by people who have never even met me. This entire experience has placed me on another level of loneliness. Level one of loneliness: no one understands what its like to work in the DA's office unless they have been in my shoes. Level two of loneliness: no one knows what its like struggling to surpass feelings attached to being raped unless they have experienced it. That alone is like a mental demise, and the one thing I had left-eventhough at times it was on unstable grounds-was my confidence in my ability to prosecute cases; however that has been comprimised now. Level three of loneliness: having your name dragged through the mud with the people you work for throwing you out there as fresh meat to be eaten alive by the sharks that swim in such shallow waters. I can honestly say that now it feels like I have nothing left. In my mind, not even the people I work with knows what that is like because I am the only one presently in that office that has endured this type of public scrutiny. Here is something else that keeps reverberating in my head. My sister telling me that someone with more experience should have been prosecuting that case. This shit hurts like hell......

A Step In The Right Direction

I decided that I would write something on my blog that has made me happy within the past few days. My most recent entries have been more of a bitch session, so I want to share some things that have made me smile in recent days. Today I communicated with my sister by way of email. This morning I was on the elevator going into the office and a lady in the elevator with me asked about my name. She thought I was my sister, so I got her name and told her that I would tell my sister she said hello. I emailed my sister and told her about the young lady and my sister emailed me back asking me more about the lady and that she remembered a few women she graduated with who had that name. It was a brief conversation, but it made me feel good that she was receptive to my email.



Other than that, I spent the weekend at Snug Harbor listening to jazz. I thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it. Music is such an important factor in my life and I don't know what I or the world would be like without it. I really do wish I could get back into doing what I love so much. Music is probably my only passion in life, but maybe as time progress something else will grasp my attention as well.



Those are just a couple of things that made my weekend and my day. Hopefully my sister and I will get back to the way we used to be, but baby steps to normalcy is just as important as huge steps.

Pain Explained

Pain is defined as acute mental or emotional distress or suffering. For the past three weeks, I have felt pain from my job and my sister. I told myself that things would change over the weeks-maybe months; but that isn't so. Nothing has changed and the pain has increased beyond what I have strength to bear. How do I make sense of nonsense? How do I rationalize that which is irrational? How do I find logic in the illogical? How do I remove pain from my heart when my heart beats daily hoping for change? I don't want to cope with things. I want to change things. Unfortunately, that which is causing the pain is something that I can not change. Something that I do not control. Something that restricts me and forces me to wait on the next person in order to rid of my pain. Somebody once told me that happiness comes from within and only I can control my happiness. If that is true, then why is it that others hurt me to a point where I feel pain. If I controlled my happiness, then it wouldn't matter what the next person did to me because irrespective of what that person has done, I would still be happy. But such is not the case. If my sister would forget about all of this nonsense, and continue in the relationship that I have always known, then I would be happy in that aspect. But her acts of distance causes me to feel pain. If my employers were not so incompetent and selfish, then maybe I would be happy in that respect. Its amazing how I take the next person feelings into consideration, yet pain manages to exist in the air I breathe. Pain is the worst disease known to mankind. It can be inflicted verbally or physically. It knows no boundaries and it has no pity. Its equivalent to death. It happens to all of us.

My Next Move

Its been a while since I have posted anything on my blog. The past two weeks at work were hectic and the end result was our homicide unit being disbanded. Unfortunately we received a lot of negative press that we did not deserve, and to add insult to injury, it was negative press behind a case the office should have never accepted from the police department. There is no evidence whatsoever in that case, and if/when the defendant file bar complaints, I don't want to be named and accused of prosecutorial misconduct. I have tried to look at this from different angles, and the fact is I am not adapting well to my new assignment in the office. I have been made a "super senior" in a section of court, and it appears to be okay. I think the division superiors will allow me to pick cases in the section that I want to try, and not have to deal with court on a daily basis. That's not a bad gig I suppose. However, I think I am really beginning to see that maybe its time for me to look for other employment outside the office. Somewhere inside of me I know I like what I do, but with the chain of events that took place last week, I have a totally different respect (or lack thereof) for the leadership in the office. I find it difficult to even say I like the people I work for and represent when I go into court. Maybe in a month things will change in terms of my attitude. But today there are people in that office I want to avoid seeing altogether.

Circus With A Bunch Of Clowns

Why is it that people find it so hard to tell the truth? I'll tell you why. Because people are more concerned with making themselves look good even if it means lying on the next person. Its no secret on my blog that I prosecute homicides in this city. I have been a prosecutor for a little over four years, and no aspect of solving crime in this city has gotten any better. Police submit crappy cases to our office, and our office get fucked in the end for trying to make something out of nothing. Not only from the public, but from the police who submit the shit to us. I hate to get involved with pointing fingers, but some things just need to be told; i.e. the truth. Our police does very little to put together a case properly. They lack gathering sufficient evidence, and they hate to be told their cases suck. Politics is a dirty game, and I don't know why I chose a profession and area of law that requires me to play it. But what I do know is this. When they put me in front of a camera and start asking questions, don't be shocked with how I respond. By the time I answered three questions truthfully, my supervisor immediately began answering questions posed. I think I am a diplomatic person, but I also have this nasty habit of telling the truth. Particularly when other people want to throw mud, divert the attention off of what they did or neglected to do, and then blame someone else for the shit they created. There is no honor among thieves, and those thieves are politicians.

Bottoms Up

When I woke up this morning, I decided to stay home and celebrate the Fourth of July by myself. My mother called and I decided to go to their house. When I arrived, they weren't there. So I decided to go by my sister house to see if they were there. Needless to say they were there, and I was somewhat bothered by what I saw. Let me say this first. Two days ago, a young man walked up to me and told me hello because he thought I graduated from high school with him. When he said the name of the school, I told him he had me mistaken for my sister. He apologized, told me his name and told me to tell my sister hello. I immediately called my sister and told her because I didn't want to forget his name. My sister didn't remember him, but I took the opportunity to talk to my sister because she and I don't talk much. I asked her what she was doing for the holiday and she said nothing; which I can understand because its the middle of the week. Well, when I went by my sister looking for my mother and father today, guess what I saw. Burger, hot dogs, baked beans, chips, etc. Now perhaps she and her husband decided to wake up and do something. That's possible. But it hurts to think that she wasn't going to call me and ask me to come over and spend the day with them. Had I not gone over there looking for my parents, I wouldn't have known any better. I went to a bar, had a few drinks by myself, then drove home. I got in the tub took a bath and cried. After my bath, I poured myself a few more drinks, and cried some more. As I write this, I am still thinking that life is not for me any longer. I really feel like I am skating on the edge with no care if I fall over or not.

A Week Of Ignorance

This week made me remember that it is so easy for people to criticize that which they do not understand. I don't even have the energy to write about my week. Just know its about what we do as prosecutors, what the public don't understand about cases, what the public perception of our office is, and the ignorance and racism in this city and beyond. It doesn't matter what the topic of discussion is, someway; somehow, people will make everything a black and white issue. I would like to think in this world there are topics and friendships beyond color. I would like to think that I am not identified by my white counterparts as their "friend or co-worker who is black." I would like to think that when white people see me, they see a woman and not a black woman; or black female attorney. I understand that culture is probably the first thing that meets the eye when people see others. Skin tone is an outer characteristic, but why does it have to be or make up some sort of preconceived notion of a person. I guess that is a part of life I will never understand and may never get an answer to. Its something I will not lose sleep over however. That is a setback that will live on beyond me and its something that I know I can't change. Its just another reason for me to try to hide from the world we live in......

My Eyes And Ears

I think if people could see what I see when my eyes are open and closed, then they wouldn't like life. I think if people could hear screaming in their ears, and laughter from a horrible source, then they would only want to hear only music or silence. I don't sleep often, but when I do, I am so scared of what I see and hear. My decision is coming. It is just a matter of what side will control.

Too Heavy To Carry

I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to make anymore decisions because making decisions only put me in a place where I don't want to be. Throughout my life I have alienated people for two reasons. One reason is I don't know how to keep people in my life. The other reason is I don't realize that I am doing it. I have managed to successfully keep anyone away from me who might want a relationship with me and now I have managed to push away the only person who has been here on this earth with me since I have been living. The sad part is I don't know why she doesn't want to be around me anymore. I came to realize that I don't have anyone consistent in my life anymore and it may be my fault. I am going to make one more decision and it will probably be my last. I will take the time I need to reach my decsion. Until then, let my life be an example of how not to live......

Shallow As The Ocean

This week involved getting bitched at by supervisors because its election time, and drinking. I drank so much last night that I was absolutely useless in court today. I wasn't prepared on anything, and I could barely remember what my cases were about. I feel like my mind is running at a thousand miles per hour, and at the end of the day when I come home and look in the mirror, I see someone I don't recognize or like. I don't know who I have become, but I appear to be 21 homicide cases with new homicides coming down the pike. I honestly think my name is State of Louisiana. I have no identity, and I came home tonight wanting to punch a hole in the fucking wall. Its a damn good thing I don't own a gun.

My Road To Heaven That Feels Like Hell

I have given much thought to my current place in life. The conclusion I have reached is that I am being punished for my sins. Now before you say anything, read this blog first. I have battled with myself over the past couple of years, and I am to a point that I just want to give up on so much; including life. Last week, I had two dreams about the man who raped me, and neither one was pleasant. I attribute my dreams to my last counseling session. I explained to my counselor that I stopped taking my medicine because I want to feel normal. I want to be me again, and being me includes not having to deal with anything. If something happened, I brushed it off and kept going. My counselor said that things happen in our lives that forces us to deal with things. I didn't want to hear that. In fact, I ignored it. That night, I dreamt about the man who forever impacted me, and it ruined the remainder of my week. However, that dream made me realize that my counselor was right. Not to mention, it made me remember a conversation I had with a minister when I visited Selma, Alabama a few weeks ago. He explained to me the definition of grace. Ever since I have been living, my definition of grace was any means by which God made things easy for a person. And I was wrong.

The minister explained that grace is the turmoil that we go through in order to receive the plan that God has set for us. The definition of grace is, according to Webster's, is unmerited divine assistance given humans for their regeneration or sanctification. The definition of regeneration or sanctification is spiritual renewal or revival. Grace is God's favor through Christ to people who deserve His wrath. In this definition, the deserving of wrath picks up the idea of demerit, while the concept of God's favor is still retained.

Ephesians chapter 2, verses 1-5: And you hath he quickened, who were dead in trespasses and sins; Wherein in time past, ye walked according to the course of this world, according to the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that now worketh in the children of disobedience: Among whom also we all had our conversation in times past in the lusts of our flesh, fulfilling the desires of the flesh and of the mind; and were by nature the children of wrath, even as others. But God, who is rich in mercy, for his great love wherewith he loved us, even when we were dead in sins, hath quickened us together with Christ, by grace ye are saved.

Here, as I live and breathe, I am amongst the disobedient; as well as a child of wrath. Wrath is what I am going through just like many others. And through Christ by the grace of God, I will make it through this wrath that I am surrounded by. Christ had the biggest cross to carry. He had to endure such wrath for the unwarranted to receive God's mercy; the unwarranted being us humans. The road that Christ walked to His crucifixion was grace, and it is through that grace, we are saved. When we go through tuff times, we tend to view that as demerit by God. However, God's favor is still retained. How else are we to understand punishment and forgiveness.

I am bearing my cross right now, and it's probably one of the biggest crosses I will have to bear. However, I have to stop running. Afterall, imagine if Christ had ran from his destiny. He wouldn't be sitting next to God. Therefore, I have walk this painful road to my destiny.

Truth Of The Matter

For the past two weeks, I have been frustrated with my thought process and people. Last week, I fussed with a defense lawyer about a homicide file that is four years old and is no where near trial. I left work with a headache, upset stomach, and everytime I spoke I could feel the muscles in my throat pulling. That same week, I followed a defendant and approached her about a personal comment she passed about me after court. Ordinarily I would have ignored her, but I just couldn't let it pass. Also in that week, I fussed at another motorist who was making an illegal turn, but she wanted to show me where I was wrong. Slowly but surely I am getting fed up with something. What that something is, I don't know. All I know is that it is becoming extremely difficult to just let things roll of my back or simply ignore things and people. I am tired of not being able to sleep at night because my body has adapted to the sleeping pills prescribed to me. I am tired of constantly telling myself to not let my job dictate how I view people. And most importantly I am tired of telling myself to stop thinking about being raped. It doesn't matter where I am, what I am doing, what I am watching, or who I am talking to. This shit just constantly runs through my head like a cross country marathon, and I honestly feel like no one understands my frustration. I am tired of explaining why I don't take my medicine everyday, why I don't want to talk to the psychiatrist, why I want to kill people, why I don't want to be around people, etc. I really do wish there was someplace I could go to put things into perspective, but the problem is I can't get away from me or my thoughts. If anyone can answer any of the questions posted under my poetic verse of the day section, please respond on this blog.

Special Birthday

Today is my nephew birthday. He made 7 years old today. Its so hard to believe that I have watched him grow. I couldn't let the day go by without seeing him. He means so much to me even if I don't show it all of the time. There is nothing that I wouldn't do or wouldn't give so that he could keep his innocense. As I looked at him, with his two front teeth missing, I just kept saying to myself, "How cute!" I love him so much and this blog is for him. Happy Birthday Sticks!!!!! I promise you I will get the Lego you want.

Time To Talk About It

For the first time in my counseling session, I talked about being raped. I have danced around the issue before, but I have never discussed it in detail until last week. When I talked about it, I actually felt like I was in my old apartment, in my bedroom, being raped all over again. In my mind, all I could see was his devilish face holding me down raping me. It was the most difficult session I ever sat through. Mentally I was exhausted and I think to some degree I was still in shock behind the entire ordeal. I didn't realize how much pain and fear I had bottled up inside of me until I found myself crying in front of my counselor. For the past two years I have gone out of my way to be strong in my sessions and briefly discuss the rape without actually discussing the rape. My session began at seven, and I didn't get home until ten o'clock that night. My counselor didn't feel comfortable letting me leave immediately after our hour ended. I think I am getting to point where I understand how opening up about my feelings are beneficial to me. Hopefully the next time when I am in session it won't be as difficult to discuss what happened. I do feel intimidated by this issue. I don't know how I will feel the next time my counselor and I have this discussion. Hopefully I won't find myself curled up in a ball on the sofa gripping a pillow crying in a state of shock. On the other hand, I have to admit it felt good talking about things. The following day, I was happy and continued in my daily work as a prosecutor. At night when I'm at home, I think about things. I still hope and pray that I never see him again in life. I have had dreams about seeing him. It forces me to wake up and ask myself where am I. Once I realize that I am in my apartment, I fall asleep again. Before I end this entry, I want to sincerely thank the people who have supported me throughout all of this. I have to thank my best friend, my cousin, my blog friend Trucker, and my counselor. I don't think I would have made it through these past two years without them being supportive and expressing concern and belief in me. Thank all of you for being there.

This One Is For My Feelings

At first I wasn't going to post anything about this because I really didn't want to give it any attention. But I have come to realize that it wouldn't be fair to my feelings. I have a tendency to ignore what my feelings are saying, i.e. my heart, and only listen to my mind. So I am doing something different. Over the past week I have spent $969.49 travelling to and from Oakland, California to visit someone I thought really wanted to see me. However, I lost damn near $1,000.00 all to hear him say that he has never liked me as something other than a friend. Well let me start from the beginning.

I arrived in Oakland Sunday night tired and exhausted. Upon arrival, we went out to get something to eat, and when we came back home, I took a bath and went to bed. By the time Wednesday arrived, I reached the conclusion that there wasn't anything between he and I. We were just friends. He is going on with his life in another city, and I am content in another city. So no harm no foul. I am happy being his friend. Thursday night is when things got confusing. He shared with me that he had recently gotten out of a relationship with someone he met upon moving to California, and has apparently fallen in love with this woman. For whatever reasons, it didn't work out and she no longer wanted to be bothered with him. He was so depressed and was trying to figure out why things between he and the young woman fell apart. Despite the fact that this young woman and her mother used explicit language towards him behind some foolishness, he misses her. As a friend, I rationally talked to him about what he was going through just to help him put things into perspective. However, I couldn't help but ask what did I do wrong. Afterall, I've never cursed at him. Hell I don't think I have ever cursed in front of him. Here it was he was talking about relationships and "devotion", but for whatever reasons he and I could never get to the point of relationship or "devotion." He calmly said to me that he thought he made it perfectly clear to me that he never liked me as anything more than a friend. Not only that, but he said I never expressed myself in a manner that would indicate that I was interested in him. I asked him about the birthday gift, the surprise hotel room at the Sheraton overlooking the Mississippi River, the times we spent together, the poems about him that I let him read, my feelings about him moving to California, not to mention the money I spent to flying to California just to see him. He said that didn't say anything to him. This is how men talk out of both sides of their necks. About two months ago he called me and apolgized for not reciprocating any feelings that I displayed to him. When I reminded him of that, he got quiet.

It would have been one thing had he just said he didn't feel that way about me and couldn't develop those type of feelings for me. I don't expect every man I like to like me the same way. That is a childish viewpoint. Everyone is entitled to their feelings and there really is no need to explain your feelings to anybody. But for him to tell me that under those circumstances really hurt my feelings. The good thing is, I was able to tell him that. In my own way, I expressed my feelings without yelling or cursing. He actually looked upset after I expressed myself. He said he felt like he was losing a friend. I told him I feel like I've never had one. If he couldn't be honest about his new relationship or his feelings about me, then I never knew him. At this point, I don't want to know him. Why should I want to?

You know, I am always searching for ways to improve me. The first thing I said to myself is what can I do to make me better. Make me better express myself. Make me more likeable to others. But then I realized the problem isn't me. I'm not the one who lie to people. I'm not the one who verbally abuse people. I'm not the one who physically abuse people. And I'm damn sure not the one who rape people. But even with all of that being done to me, I'm the one who should try to improve myself? I've been looking at things backwards. It's cool he feels the way he does, but I am willing to bet my life that he will never find anyone like me. So from my feelings to yours.....KISS MY ASS MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!!

Peace Y'all...

Day One

Last night I didn't go to sleep. Not that I didn't try, but I just couldn't. I kept thinking of reasons not to go to California. I started going through anxiety such that I was nervous and shaking as I was laying in my bed. I actually thought about not boarding the flight out. The only thing that stopped me was that I didn't want to have my friend looking for me or waiting on me without being able to give a good excuse for changing my mind. He called yesterday to see if there was anything I wanted so that he could stock his place with food for me, and to see what our schedule would be like considering he has to go to work this week. He is also making plans to maybe work from home if he can't take off a couple of days. I figured I'd be wrong if I didn't go. At about 4:30 in the morning, I dozed off and dreamt that I flew into California two hours early and didn't call him until it was late. He got mad at me and didn't want to see me anymore. So I came home. I am a complete fucking idiot! Its just a trip to a city I have been to and visit someone I already know, and I am acting like this is the biggest committment of my life. I see why I can't be in a relationship. I dislike committing to anything of this nature that is binding.

I Don't Know About This???

Last week I went to my session and it was suggested to me that I should take a vacation. Over much debate with myself--and maybe even my counselor--I decided to take her advice. I was sitting at my desk Thursday afternoon, and decided to by an airline ticket to California to see my friend. He was happy about my flying out there, so I put in for a week of vacation time. By the time I got home, I changed my mind about going. I don't know why, I just did. I talked to my best friend about it, and she said that I should go. I purchased the airline ticket yesterday, so now I have to go. Its not that I think I won't have a good time. I do enjoy his company, and I love San Francisco. I'll fly out first thing in the morning, and I will return next Sunday. When I come back, maybe I will have a more clear reason why I am reluctant about going.

Love Is A Bitch

Last week, I prosecuted a woman because she killed her husband. There was a history of domestic violence between the two of them, but "love" kept them going right back to each other. "Love" kept them arguing, fussing, and fighting eventually leading to his death and her life sentence. This week, one of the homicide attorney's prosecuted a guy who killed his ex-girlfriends' new boyfriend. The victim and young woman were returning home from their first date. What they didn't know was that ex-boyfriend/defendant was outside of her home waiting for them to return. When they returned, the ex-boyfriend walked up to the car, shot the victim, and held the gun to his ex-girlfriend head as he walked her to her front door. When her parents opened the door, the defendant ran. I am sure he would have killed her and the baby the two of them share. The jury returned a verdict of manslaughter. An innocent person killed because the defendant "loved" this girl just that much. Today one of my defendants pleaded guilty to a manslaughter charge. His girlfriend was found dead in her apartment with a gunshot wound to the back of her head. A bloody fingerprint found inside of her apartment matched his fingerprint. At the time of the killing, the defendant had a wife (still does) who knew about the victim/mistress. After studying the crime scene photo's, I developed the theory that the wife killed her, and he is taking the blame. The defendant didn't want his wife to even take the stand as his alibi because he knew the possibility of discovering the truth could come out at trial; thus risking her exposure to an indictment of second degree murder. So he is serving a mandatory sentence all in the name of "love." His wife killed a 21 year old woman all in the name of "love." I don't want to have anything to do with love if it makes you love people to death.

Two Things Recognized

I began a jury trial on Monday of last week, and the trial didn't end until 1:00 a.m. Saturday morning; which was when the jury returned its verdict. The verdict was guilty as charged of second degree murder. Throughout the trial, I leared two things. One, adults do more harm to children than anything else. We are their worst enemies. Unfortunately, children have to be raised by liars, and led astray by our own selfish tendencies and personal experiences. Two, if people could hear their own heart beat in their ears every second of everyday, then perhaps people would spend more time doing what's right. If there was some indication to people that their heart is about to stop beating, then perhaps people would do more positive and productive things within the time life has alloted to them. If people could hear a clock ticking in their ears, I am almost certain that people would pay more attention to how they treat people. If we had our own personal time clock that was a countdown to death, I am certain we would be nicer to others before the time ran out on the stopwatch. Not knowing when death will descend upon us is the biggest deception and downfall of the human race. Why? Because people believe they are invincible and above being caught and punished for their own transgressions. Most people have this overall misconception that they will grow old and then die. If I could get away from life as I know it maybe I wouldn't get frustrated to the point where I don't want to be around people. But I have to walk out of my door and be amongst crazy people.

J. Elliot

"If you aren't at the point in your life where you can take strength from a higher power, I'll give you some of mine."

It's not often we meet people in our lives that truly put forth an effort to give us encouragement when we are at our lowest point. The quote above is taken from an email someone sent me a few days ago in response to one of my blog posts. I read the email over, and everytime I read it, I learned something new. There was something in it that made me feel as though I was reading it for the first time, and it gave me more hope than what I had imagined over the past two years. It isn't everyday that I come across people who I admire or have the utmost respect for. Outside of a few family members who I trust, I have only placed Tara and Mrs. Johnson on a high pedestal setting them apart from everyone else. So this post is for J. Elliot. I know that I haven't been the most talkative, and I am sure there are other people you assist that may be easier to get through to. But I promise, I will gladly take some of your strength and work with you as a team. Thank you for all that you have said and done.

People come and go
But Angels never leave
They're always around
To give us that boost
Of confidence we need
And though at times
My faith is challenged
One thing remains true
I will always be thankful
To God
To talk to an Angel like you

Perception Of Strength

As a prosecutor it is customary for us to have photographs of the crime scene in our files. Once I moved to the homicide unit, I knew I had to brace myself for what I would find in my files. There are photographs in my files that I wouldn't want to share with anybody. But this post isn't about how those pictures affect me. Until I moved to the homicide unit, I didn't think twice about showing scene photo's to victims or their families. The first time I was asked to view scene photo's was at the request of the aunt of a victim. This case involved a young woman who was killed by her boyfriend. The two had been arguing in front of their one year old child, and they began to fight. He began to choke her eventually killing her. Hours passed, and he drove her body in the car to a secluded place. A nearby business had a surveillance tape that captured him on camera getting out of the car, and setting it on fire. The pictures included snapshots of the victims' corpse. All that was left was a skeleton. I practically begged the victims' aunt not to look at the pictures, but she insisted. She had a picture of the victim, and I told her that the person in the picture she has is the person she should see when she thinks of her neice. Seeing her remains would permanently be marked in her memory. She continued to insist so I let her view the pictures. There was such disbelief and pain on her face. She walked off and out of the courtroom.

This past week, I had two visitors. The first one was the stepmother of a victim who was shot and killed during an armed robbery on the lakefront about four or five years ago. She and I talked and as I was going through the file she asked if I had pictures. I looked up at her and told her she didn't want to do that. I talked her out of it because I knew it would hurt her and I didn't want it to cause her to cry more than what she already has. I think I more so talked her out of it because she is a woman and may not be strong enough to endure it. She kept a smile of hope on her face, and indicated she was glad she spoke with me.

The second one was the stepfather of a victim who too was shot and killed while he was talking to someone else. The victim was seated in the driver seat of the car and sustained a gunshot wound to the back of his head and his brains were on the passenger seat of the car. The person he was talking to refused to testify, and so I had to refuse the charge. The stepfather was trying to get his car back, and we were going through the paperwork process. As I was going through the file, he asked if I had any pictures. Again I looked up at him and told him he didn't want to see the pictures. He said he needed closure and seeing the pictures would help him say goodbye considering it was a closed casket funeral. Because he was a man, I figured he would be able to get through it. I was wrong. He cried as he viewed the pictures and I apologized for letting him see them. He asked if the car would be in the same condition as it was in the pictures. I told him yes, and he no longer wanted the car.

I realized from those two situations that strength has no gender. It is a trait that some have more or less than others. No two people express their strengths the same way. But what I also learned was that crying has absolutely nothing to do with strength or weakness. It is a natural reaction to what causes our pain. And in more ways than one, it gave me something to think about on a more personal level.

See All Evil, Speak No Evil

This is a public service announcement sponsored by the good folks who fight hard for justice on a daily basis only to be publicly humiliated on a daily basis. To the citizens of this city who refuse to come forward and testify against murderers, this is dedicated to you. I don't want to hear another fucking comment about why the DA's office "just let the killer go free." Here are five reasons why you should continue to keep your mouth shut:

1. If you don't want to testify about what you saw while the shooting was taking place, then don't complain when the motherfucker back on the fucking street.

2. If you don't have a law degree, don't ask me to explain to you why we can't prosecute the case with the weapon only. Guns can't take the stand in court and say that the defendant squeezed its trigger and killed the victim. I need more than physical evidence jackass.

3. If you've never practiced criminal law or don't have a law degree, then don't tell me how to do my fucking job.

4. I don't want to hear shit about anything that start with, "Well I heard that what really had happened was...", and you have nothing credible to substantiate this bullshit (legal translation--hearsay which isn't allowed at trial) you want me to waste time looking into. I don't investigate cases.

And the most important one of all...

5. When I call your ass to inform you of the court dates and that you will be needed to testify, don't say to me, "Well I ain't know I had to testify in court in front the defendant." Or, "Well the police told me I ain't have to testify." Or, "If I testify, do I get crimestoppers money?" when you know good and so goddamn well your ghetto ass never even called crimestoppers to report who the perpetrator was.

Those are the top five reasons why you bitches who see all this evil, but refuse to speak in court about the evil you witnessed need to shut the fuck up!!!!!

Answer This

Which do you fear most? Do you fear living, or do you fear death? What happens if you fear both? What happens if you want both? People fear the unknown, and truth be told both life and death are unknown. No one can predict tomorrow, and no one knows what death is like until they die. Therefore, there is no one to tell us about the experience of death. What do you do when you wake up in the morning and you don't want to get out of your bed and be amongst people? How do you invite getting to know people when everyone is "suspect" to you? How do you survive in a world where people are so selfish and have no regard for another person's life? How do you feel safe in your own home when you release murderers back on the street due to witnesses fearing being killed if they testify? Why should I have to protect the only witness to a homicide who is known as a drug trafficker just to try and prosecute a notorious murderer in this city? Afterall she was killed while they were trying to kill him. I guess justice is truly blind. Why is it that people with all their fancy degree's are the worst people to be around? Why are people so shallow? I am convinced the only normal people on this earth are babies. Reason being they only know innocense and it isn't until they live day by day, week by week, month by month, year by year, that they become like the rest of us humans. Defiled, tainted, tarnished, scared, vulnerable, manipulative, abused, confused, hurt, insecure, and the list goes on. Today I indicted an 18 year old boy for second degree murder. The victim's father thanked me and cried because that 18 year old boy took away his 25 year old son behind foolishness. I took no pleasure in indicting that child, and I wasn't moved by the tears of the father of the victim. Why? An 18 year old has just wasted his life. A 25 year old man is dead and he left behind two young children who will never know him. That 25 year old victim started the damn fight with the 18 year old defendants' YOUNGER BROTHER. That 25 year old was a menace to society himself. I don't like what I do, but at the same expense I don't want people like that on the street with me. I look at most of my victims and dismiss their death as warranted and justified. Live by the sword, die by the sword. Bottom line is I don't want to leave my house, nor do I feel safe when I'm in my house. So which do you fear most? Do you fear living? Or do you fear death?

Weekend In A Flash

Friday night I made it home somewhere around 8:30. I took two xanax as the doctor told me and I fell asleep. I slept all day Saturday and all through Saturday night. I think I got out of the bed at noon on Sunday. The only good news is the defense counsel called and stated he wants to plead his client in tomorrow's trial. I so desparately want to go after the shooter whose case was dismissed last week for lack of evidence against him. So the co-defendants will testify against him, and hopefully we will prevail at trial against the shooter. I didn't do much else outside of that. I have been thinking a lot about things as it relates to a certain day. I am trying not to focus on what happened that night, and think more about the progress I have made. I asked my counselor if I have made any progress, but I can't remember exactly how she answered the question. I think I have made little progress, but I know I am not where I want to be.

Work has gotten a little better since I have resumed taking adderol. I have been more focused and I have been more attentive with my cases. I have several matters to present to the grand jury on Thursday. I have to stay at work late again this week. I have a lot to prep for in terms of motion hearings, and trials. I have to admit that it feels good to have a defense attorney by the balls when we are fully prepared for trial. Thats a change in things for us. I am tired of all of these homicides in the city, and I am trying to prosecute everybody. Jail time is a must and the only way I will dismiss a case is if I can not prosecute at all. Otherwise, I will try to make lemonade out of whatever lemons I have, and if it doesn't sell, then so be it. Otherwise I am coming after the killer.

Part Two Of What I Now Realize

Yesterday during my post, I forgot to mention that I didn't get the position of deputy chief in the office. The person who was promoted was equally qualified, so I am only hurt by the rejection. I was told that there is a strong possibility that there will be a second deputy chief position in the weeks to come, so maybe I will try my hand at it again. I haven't ruled out the division I am currently in, but I will monitor how much progress I make, if any, before I make my decision to seek that position should it become available.

February is slowly approaching, and that means I am coming up on a day that forever changed my life. I think because of it, I have not been able to sleep well at night. I have been suffering with the anxiety attacks, I haven't been wanting to get out of the bed in the morning, and I don't want to do my job any longer. I think this is contributing to my work performance and my supervisor is not the type of person I can talk to about it, because he will criticize me and tell it to everybody. Right now I feel stuck somewhere and I don't know how to get out or where to escape to. I feel trapped in my mind because all I do is think more about what happened to me almost two years ago. At one point, I was resting well in my new bed at night, but now I feel uncomfortable and unsafe in my surroundings. Last night I was going through a moment of anxiety so bad, I starting punching the pillows, the mattress, and pacing the floor. I walked around and played my keyboard until I started to feel the effects of the lunesta. I found myself playing melodies to the songs that were on the radio. I would find the keys so that I could play along with the artist. I think I fell asleep somewhere around 2:30 in the morning, but I kept waking up. So what do I do? For the most part, I try not to think about it, but that isn't working well for me. I will have to monitor my behavior and thought process over the next few weeks also.

Well the Saints lost today, and I must admit I am a little heartbroken. I was truly hoping that they would go to the Superbowl and win. Despite today's loss, I think they have a lot to be proud of. This team has accomplished so much in one season that will go down in football history. I am proud of the way they played this season, and I will be there next season cheering them on again. Get some rest guys. You deserve it.

What I Have Come To Realize

I do not like being in the homicide unit. However, I think I used the deputy chief position to run from it. My supervisor thinks that I am not working hard enough, and truth be told, he is right. I couldn't disagree. I see where I am not working to half of my potential; let alone full potential. So I had to ask myself why. Why am I not happy in the unit and why am I so nonchalant. Answer----(1) its depressing. There is nothing worst than opening a file looking at photographs of people brains splattered on the ground or on a wall. Blood coming from every conceivable part of a person's body. Photographs of people being stabbed to death with knife blades still stuck in their chest, piercing their hearts, eyes still open with a look of shock on their faces as they released their last breath. Photographs of people standing around a crime scene as if they are watching a parade float go by. Its extremely depressing. (2) Witnesses are too scared to testify which leads to murderers being released. There is nothing more frustrating in this job than watching a defendant in court as he is smiling because he knows the prosecution doesn't have witnesses who are willing to testify against his ass, thus leading to his release. Either a case is dismissed, refused, or plea bargained for a significantly small amount of time because we can not prosecute. And what happens after that? Everybody wants to get on the news and complain that we are not doing enough to prosecute cases. Everybody wants to call every prosecutor in the city incompetent. The police want to blame us for not having a strong case when they are the ones who bring us garbage cases. Everybody wants to call for the District Attorney's resignation. The main problem is people don't understand that the justice system component part is being tried by a jury of their peers, and in this city most of those peers can relate to the defendant. People don't understand that the defendant has a right to confront his accuser and cross examine witnesses against him, and if we can't present those people, how can we effectively prosecute a case. Just because there is an arrest doesn't mean there is a conviction. The justice system perpetuate itself by having effective police work, effective prosecution, and most importantly willing witnesses who will help put the icing on the cake and tell the jury what happened and who did it. Once the defendant sees that he doesn't stand a chance in front of a jury in this city, I guarantee that defendant will be begging to serve fifty years in prison as opposed to a life sentence or the death penalty. Defendants see our system as a joke and they don't fear it. (3) As a result of the aforementioned reasons I do not feel effective in the unit; therefore, I don't put my all into it. There are some other reasons effecting my performance, but I will save that for another blog post.

Can't Sleep

Good morning to those who are like me and can't sleep. Here it is 2:53 a.m. and despite having swallowed a sleeping pill at approximately midnight, I am still awake. There are times when it works, and then there are those nights when I am up until the sun peeks it shine through my mini-blinds. That's when I get pissed. I woke up this morning about 8:30, and drove to Foley, Alabama with two other friends. We went shopping at the outlet mall. I purchased a couple of shirts from Brooks Brothers; a robe, shower curtain, bath mat, and three shirts from the Ralph Lauren store. And the most expensive item on the list today was the $800.00 Bose system I purchased for my bedroom. It sounds nice, but the little voice inside of me keeps asking me why am I on this shopping splurge for myself. I hadn't figured out the answer to that question. I don't know if I am trying to fill a void. And if I am, what void is it that I am trying to fill. I guess I will ask my counselor that when I see her this week.

I have decided to apply for the deputy chief of trials position that is available now. There are at least eight other people who have expressed their interest, and I must admit, all are qualified for the position. If I make it to the finals, I will be happy. That will mean I am one step further to possible achievement. If I am selected, I have a few things on my agenda already. At the top is docket control and docket movement. Along with that, properly training prosecutors to effectively argue the law in favor of the State, therefore, making better attorney's in the office. Hopefully adding continuity under the current administration. Those are just a few things I have been thinking about. I am about to watch the Cosby Show since it is on until I dose off. Goodnight.....

Difference In Things

I must admit since I have my new furniture, I rest a whole hell of a lot easier. And I'm not just saying that because its something new and it makes the apartment look nice. When I was in my apartment prior to the storm, I hated my furniture. Particularly my bed. I hated the bedroom furniture so much that I slept on the floor. Anyone who knows me or have kept up with my blog knows why. But when I get in my apartment, in my space, in my bed, I feel a little more comfortable. I feel like a part of what I once had is being restored. Counseling is making a difference in my life and I don't know if I would be worst off without, or how I ever made it this far keeping things inside of me. The only real problems I had this week involved work and my lack of organization skills. I am still learning how to prosecute homicides, but I can't make simple mistakes because those are the ones that turn out to be the worst mistakes. I have more thinking to do about my position in the office. I will make a determination about things within the next 24 hours. After that, I will post my decision.

Two Cases Closed

This morning in court, I dismissed two homicide cases due to lack of evidence and lack of witnesses. It was so disturbing knowing that the victims family would be disappointed and frustrated. I spent most of the day annoyed at the entire justice system. Murderers literally walk away with having killed someone. I often wonder if they have any regret for taking a life. How can you just kill a person? Don't get me wrong, I have a personal hit list myself, but I don't think I would ever start killing those on that list easily without any forethought or afterthought. Once I left the office for the day, I cheered up a bit. I actually went to the gym tonight. I did better than I thought I would. A personal trainer wanted me to get on the damn machine and start running like I had been in training for years. NOT!!!! I had to explain to him that there is such a thing called warming up, training and conditioning. I am no body builder, but I'm no fool either. Be damned if he work me half to death on the first night. There is nothing worst than working out and then waking up the next morning too damn sore to even breathe. I have been back and forth with working out. Perhaps he thought I was new to the game, but I know what works for me and I told him he can't change that. Tell that shit to someone else who is trying to drop thirty pounds in two weeks. Don't get me wrong, I want to lose weight, feel healthy, and look like Janet, but there is such a thing called reality. Tonight I will dedicate another hour to my keyboard. It felt so good playing music again. I am starting with the basics. As if it were my first time playing. The ultimate goal is to learn the chords on the keyboard. After that, on to mastery. Music has always been my love, and my life now that I think about it. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have it around me. I honestly do not think there will be anything or anyone in my life that will give me the same feeling that music gives to me. Call me crazy, but its true love.

New Beginnings

Here it is....a new year and hopefully new things to come along with it. I finally moved into my new apartment, and it is so much more quiet than the last one. I feel a lot safer here and I like it. I am near businesses that I once took for granted such as a grocery store or a gas station. I started the new year off on a bad note in the office. My supervisor kind of got upset with how I handled two cases. I must admit, I am not an organizer. I am hoping I can get better in '07. There are a few things about me that I would like to change. However, I just don't like to make any new year's resolutions because that is too much like a commitment. The good news this year so far is that my new furniture came yesterday. It felt so good sleeping on a pillow top mattress again. I didn't take my sleeping pill last night, so I didn't get a good night rest. But it felt good having a bed, and it feels good having a sofa, kitchen table, and cooking utensils. I cooked dinner tonight for the first time in my apartment. I thought it came out pretty good. I think I over-cooked the rice though. I am not sure what I want to cook next, so I will go through a few recipes online. Its been a while since I have posted anything on my blog. Not posting anything in almost a month is not normal for me. Honestly, I didn't have much to say, and I didn't feel much like writing. My blog is an open diary and I wasn't interested in writing much about myself. I am better now, and I am looking forward to this new year.