Part Two Of What I Now Realize

Yesterday during my post, I forgot to mention that I didn't get the position of deputy chief in the office. The person who was promoted was equally qualified, so I am only hurt by the rejection. I was told that there is a strong possibility that there will be a second deputy chief position in the weeks to come, so maybe I will try my hand at it again. I haven't ruled out the division I am currently in, but I will monitor how much progress I make, if any, before I make my decision to seek that position should it become available.

February is slowly approaching, and that means I am coming up on a day that forever changed my life. I think because of it, I have not been able to sleep well at night. I have been suffering with the anxiety attacks, I haven't been wanting to get out of the bed in the morning, and I don't want to do my job any longer. I think this is contributing to my work performance and my supervisor is not the type of person I can talk to about it, because he will criticize me and tell it to everybody. Right now I feel stuck somewhere and I don't know how to get out or where to escape to. I feel trapped in my mind because all I do is think more about what happened to me almost two years ago. At one point, I was resting well in my new bed at night, but now I feel uncomfortable and unsafe in my surroundings. Last night I was going through a moment of anxiety so bad, I starting punching the pillows, the mattress, and pacing the floor. I walked around and played my keyboard until I started to feel the effects of the lunesta. I found myself playing melodies to the songs that were on the radio. I would find the keys so that I could play along with the artist. I think I fell asleep somewhere around 2:30 in the morning, but I kept waking up. So what do I do? For the most part, I try not to think about it, but that isn't working well for me. I will have to monitor my behavior and thought process over the next few weeks also.

Well the Saints lost today, and I must admit I am a little heartbroken. I was truly hoping that they would go to the Superbowl and win. Despite today's loss, I think they have a lot to be proud of. This team has accomplished so much in one season that will go down in football history. I am proud of the way they played this season, and I will be there next season cheering them on again. Get some rest guys. You deserve it.