Day One

Last night I didn't go to sleep. Not that I didn't try, but I just couldn't. I kept thinking of reasons not to go to California. I started going through anxiety such that I was nervous and shaking as I was laying in my bed. I actually thought about not boarding the flight out. The only thing that stopped me was that I didn't want to have my friend looking for me or waiting on me without being able to give a good excuse for changing my mind. He called yesterday to see if there was anything I wanted so that he could stock his place with food for me, and to see what our schedule would be like considering he has to go to work this week. He is also making plans to maybe work from home if he can't take off a couple of days. I figured I'd be wrong if I didn't go. At about 4:30 in the morning, I dozed off and dreamt that I flew into California two hours early and didn't call him until it was late. He got mad at me and didn't want to see me anymore. So I came home. I am a complete fucking idiot! Its just a trip to a city I have been to and visit someone I already know, and I am acting like this is the biggest committment of my life. I see why I can't be in a relationship. I dislike committing to anything of this nature that is binding.