This One Is For My Feelings

At first I wasn't going to post anything about this because I really didn't want to give it any attention. But I have come to realize that it wouldn't be fair to my feelings. I have a tendency to ignore what my feelings are saying, i.e. my heart, and only listen to my mind. So I am doing something different. Over the past week I have spent $969.49 travelling to and from Oakland, California to visit someone I thought really wanted to see me. However, I lost damn near $1,000.00 all to hear him say that he has never liked me as something other than a friend. Well let me start from the beginning.

I arrived in Oakland Sunday night tired and exhausted. Upon arrival, we went out to get something to eat, and when we came back home, I took a bath and went to bed. By the time Wednesday arrived, I reached the conclusion that there wasn't anything between he and I. We were just friends. He is going on with his life in another city, and I am content in another city. So no harm no foul. I am happy being his friend. Thursday night is when things got confusing. He shared with me that he had recently gotten out of a relationship with someone he met upon moving to California, and has apparently fallen in love with this woman. For whatever reasons, it didn't work out and she no longer wanted to be bothered with him. He was so depressed and was trying to figure out why things between he and the young woman fell apart. Despite the fact that this young woman and her mother used explicit language towards him behind some foolishness, he misses her. As a friend, I rationally talked to him about what he was going through just to help him put things into perspective. However, I couldn't help but ask what did I do wrong. Afterall, I've never cursed at him. Hell I don't think I have ever cursed in front of him. Here it was he was talking about relationships and "devotion", but for whatever reasons he and I could never get to the point of relationship or "devotion." He calmly said to me that he thought he made it perfectly clear to me that he never liked me as anything more than a friend. Not only that, but he said I never expressed myself in a manner that would indicate that I was interested in him. I asked him about the birthday gift, the surprise hotel room at the Sheraton overlooking the Mississippi River, the times we spent together, the poems about him that I let him read, my feelings about him moving to California, not to mention the money I spent to flying to California just to see him. He said that didn't say anything to him. This is how men talk out of both sides of their necks. About two months ago he called me and apolgized for not reciprocating any feelings that I displayed to him. When I reminded him of that, he got quiet.

It would have been one thing had he just said he didn't feel that way about me and couldn't develop those type of feelings for me. I don't expect every man I like to like me the same way. That is a childish viewpoint. Everyone is entitled to their feelings and there really is no need to explain your feelings to anybody. But for him to tell me that under those circumstances really hurt my feelings. The good thing is, I was able to tell him that. In my own way, I expressed my feelings without yelling or cursing. He actually looked upset after I expressed myself. He said he felt like he was losing a friend. I told him I feel like I've never had one. If he couldn't be honest about his new relationship or his feelings about me, then I never knew him. At this point, I don't want to know him. Why should I want to?

You know, I am always searching for ways to improve me. The first thing I said to myself is what can I do to make me better. Make me better express myself. Make me more likeable to others. But then I realized the problem isn't me. I'm not the one who lie to people. I'm not the one who verbally abuse people. I'm not the one who physically abuse people. And I'm damn sure not the one who rape people. But even with all of that being done to me, I'm the one who should try to improve myself? I've been looking at things backwards. It's cool he feels the way he does, but I am willing to bet my life that he will never find anyone like me. So from my feelings to yours.....KISS MY ASS MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!!

Peace Y'all...