Time To Talk About It

For the first time in my counseling session, I talked about being raped. I have danced around the issue before, but I have never discussed it in detail until last week. When I talked about it, I actually felt like I was in my old apartment, in my bedroom, being raped all over again. In my mind, all I could see was his devilish face holding me down raping me. It was the most difficult session I ever sat through. Mentally I was exhausted and I think to some degree I was still in shock behind the entire ordeal. I didn't realize how much pain and fear I had bottled up inside of me until I found myself crying in front of my counselor. For the past two years I have gone out of my way to be strong in my sessions and briefly discuss the rape without actually discussing the rape. My session began at seven, and I didn't get home until ten o'clock that night. My counselor didn't feel comfortable letting me leave immediately after our hour ended. I think I am getting to point where I understand how opening up about my feelings are beneficial to me. Hopefully the next time when I am in session it won't be as difficult to discuss what happened. I do feel intimidated by this issue. I don't know how I will feel the next time my counselor and I have this discussion. Hopefully I won't find myself curled up in a ball on the sofa gripping a pillow crying in a state of shock. On the other hand, I have to admit it felt good talking about things. The following day, I was happy and continued in my daily work as a prosecutor. At night when I'm at home, I think about things. I still hope and pray that I never see him again in life. I have had dreams about seeing him. It forces me to wake up and ask myself where am I. Once I realize that I am in my apartment, I fall asleep again. Before I end this entry, I want to sincerely thank the people who have supported me throughout all of this. I have to thank my best friend, my cousin, my blog friend Trucker, and my counselor. I don't think I would have made it through these past two years without them being supportive and expressing concern and belief in me. Thank all of you for being there.