A Week Of Ignorance

This week made me remember that it is so easy for people to criticize that which they do not understand. I don't even have the energy to write about my week. Just know its about what we do as prosecutors, what the public don't understand about cases, what the public perception of our office is, and the ignorance and racism in this city and beyond. It doesn't matter what the topic of discussion is, someway; somehow, people will make everything a black and white issue. I would like to think in this world there are topics and friendships beyond color. I would like to think that I am not identified by my white counterparts as their "friend or co-worker who is black." I would like to think that when white people see me, they see a woman and not a black woman; or black female attorney. I understand that culture is probably the first thing that meets the eye when people see others. Skin tone is an outer characteristic, but why does it have to be or make up some sort of preconceived notion of a person. I guess that is a part of life I will never understand and may never get an answer to. Its something I will not lose sleep over however. That is a setback that will live on beyond me and its something that I know I can't change. Its just another reason for me to try to hide from the world we live in......

My Eyes And Ears

I think if people could see what I see when my eyes are open and closed, then they wouldn't like life. I think if people could hear screaming in their ears, and laughter from a horrible source, then they would only want to hear only music or silence. I don't sleep often, but when I do, I am so scared of what I see and hear. My decision is coming. It is just a matter of what side will control.

Too Heavy To Carry

I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to make anymore decisions because making decisions only put me in a place where I don't want to be. Throughout my life I have alienated people for two reasons. One reason is I don't know how to keep people in my life. The other reason is I don't realize that I am doing it. I have managed to successfully keep anyone away from me who might want a relationship with me and now I have managed to push away the only person who has been here on this earth with me since I have been living. The sad part is I don't know why she doesn't want to be around me anymore. I came to realize that I don't have anyone consistent in my life anymore and it may be my fault. I am going to make one more decision and it will probably be my last. I will take the time I need to reach my decsion. Until then, let my life be an example of how not to live......

Shallow As The Ocean

This week involved getting bitched at by supervisors because its election time, and drinking. I drank so much last night that I was absolutely useless in court today. I wasn't prepared on anything, and I could barely remember what my cases were about. I feel like my mind is running at a thousand miles per hour, and at the end of the day when I come home and look in the mirror, I see someone I don't recognize or like. I don't know who I have become, but I appear to be 21 homicide cases with new homicides coming down the pike. I honestly think my name is State of Louisiana. I have no identity, and I came home tonight wanting to punch a hole in the fucking wall. Its a damn good thing I don't own a gun.