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I decided that I would write something on my blog that has made me happy within the past few days. My most recent entries have been more of a bitch session, so I want to share some things that have made me smile in recent days. Today I communicated with my sister by way of email. This morning I was on the elevator going into the office and a lady in the elevator with me asked about my name. She thought I was my sister, so I got her name and told her that I would tell my sister she said hello. I emailed my sister and told her about the young lady and my sister emailed me back asking me more about the lady and that she remembered a few women she graduated with who had that name. It was a brief conversation, but it made me feel good that she was receptive to my email.Other than that, I spent the weekend at Snug Harbor listening to jazz. I thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it. Music is such an important factor in my life and I don't know what I or the world would be like without it. I really do wish I could get back into doing what I love so much. Music is probably my only passion in life, but maybe as time progress something else will grasp my attention as well. Those are just a couple of things that made my weekend and my day. Hopefully my sister and I will get back to the way we used to be, but baby steps to normalcy is just as important as huge steps.
Pain is defined as acute mental or emotional distress or suffering. For the past three weeks, I have felt pain from my job and my sister. I told myself that things would change over the weeks-maybe months; but that isn't so. Nothing has changed and the pain has increased beyond what I have strength to bear. How do I make sense of nonsense? How do I rationalize that which is irrational? How do I find logic in the illogical? How do I remove pain from my heart when my heart beats daily hoping for change? I don't want to cope with things. I want to change things. Unfortunately, that which is causing the pain is something that I can not change. Something that I do not control. Something that restricts me and forces me to wait on the next person in order to rid of my pain. Somebody once told me that happiness comes from within and only I can control my happiness. If that is true, then why is it that others hurt me to a point where I feel pain. If I controlled my happiness, then it wouldn't matter what the next person did to me because irrespective of what that person has done, I would still be happy. But such is not the case. If my sister would forget about all of this nonsense, and continue in the relationship that I have always known, then I would be happy in that aspect. But her acts of distance causes me to feel pain. If my employers were not so incompetent and selfish, then maybe I would be happy in that respect. Its amazing how I take the next person feelings into consideration, yet pain manages to exist in the air I breathe. Pain is the worst disease known to mankind. It can be inflicted verbally or physically. It knows no boundaries and it has no pity. Its equivalent to death. It happens to all of us.
Its been a while since I have posted anything on my blog. The past two weeks at work were hectic and the end result was our homicide unit being disbanded. Unfortunately we received a lot of negative press that we did not deserve, and to add insult to injury, it was negative press behind a case the office should have never accepted from the police department. There is no evidence whatsoever in that case, and if/when the defendant file bar complaints, I don't want to be named and accused of prosecutorial misconduct. I have tried to look at this from different angles, and the fact is I am not adapting well to my new assignment in the office. I have been made a "super senior" in a section of court, and it appears to be okay. I think the division superiors will allow me to pick cases in the section that I want to try, and not have to deal with court on a daily basis. That's not a bad gig I suppose. However, I think I am really beginning to see that maybe its time for me to look for other employment outside the office. Somewhere inside of me I know I like what I do, but with the chain of events that took place last week, I have a totally different respect (or lack thereof) for the leadership in the office. I find it difficult to even say I like the people I work for and represent when I go into court. Maybe in a month things will change in terms of my attitude. But today there are people in that office I want to avoid seeing altogether.
Why is it that people find it so hard to tell the truth? I'll tell you why. Because people are more concerned with making themselves look good even if it means lying on the next person. Its no secret on my blog that I prosecute homicides in this city. I have been a prosecutor for a little over four years, and no aspect of solving crime in this city has gotten any better. Police submit crappy cases to our office, and our office get fucked in the end for trying to make something out of nothing. Not only from the public, but from the police who submit the shit to us. I hate to get involved with pointing fingers, but some things just need to be told; i.e. the truth. Our police does very little to put together a case properly. They lack gathering sufficient evidence, and they hate to be told their cases suck. Politics is a dirty game, and I don't know why I chose a profession and area of law that requires me to play it. But what I do know is this. When they put me in front of a camera and start asking questions, don't be shocked with how I respond. By the time I answered three questions truthfully, my supervisor immediately began answering questions posed. I think I am a diplomatic person, but I also have this nasty habit of telling the truth. Particularly when other people want to throw mud, divert the attention off of what they did or neglected to do, and then blame someone else for the shit they created. There is no honor among thieves, and those thieves are politicians.
When I woke up this morning, I decided to stay home and celebrate the Fourth of July by myself. My mother called and I decided to go to their house. When I arrived, they weren't there. So I decided to go by my sister house to see if they were there. Needless to say they were there, and I was somewhat bothered by what I saw. Let me say this first. Two days ago, a young man walked up to me and told me hello because he thought I graduated from high school with him. When he said the name of the school, I told him he had me mistaken for my sister. He apologized, told me his name and told me to tell my sister hello. I immediately called my sister and told her because I didn't want to forget his name. My sister didn't remember him, but I took the opportunity to talk to my sister because she and I don't talk much. I asked her what she was doing for the holiday and she said nothing; which I can understand because its the middle of the week. Well, when I went by my sister looking for my mother and father today, guess what I saw. Burger, hot dogs, baked beans, chips, etc. Now perhaps she and her husband decided to wake up and do something. That's possible. But it hurts to think that she wasn't going to call me and ask me to come over and spend the day with them. Had I not gone over there looking for my parents, I wouldn't have known any better. I went to a bar, had a few drinks by myself, then drove home. I got in the tub took a bath and cried. After my bath, I poured myself a few more drinks, and cried some more. As I write this, I am still thinking that life is not for me any longer. I really feel like I am skating on the edge with no care if I fall over or not.
