How Does It Feel?

It is 4:30 a.m., and I have decided to post something on my blog. I don't feel bad about being awake right now because actually I woke up about an hour ago. I took a sleeping pill around 7:30 p.m., and I think I fell asleep somewhere around eight something-so I am well rested. I haven't posted anything for days now because I really didn't want to discuss what has been bothering me for weeks now. However, I need to vent without actually complaining in someone's ear. I have this internal pain and aggravation stemming from by job and how the office didn't support our unit when we came under fire by the media and the public. It feels like someone is constantly pointing fingers at me to place blame somewhere. It feels like someone digging the dagger deeper and deeper in my back. Everytime I walk into court or the office, I feel like someone is laughing at me or is disappointed in me. Its not so much that my ego can't take it. Its more so that I am truly sadened by the whole event.

I wasn't able to go to sleep last night so I decided to google my name to read reports that I was connected to by way of my job. I came across articles of different organizations discussing how I did an ineffective job as a prosecutor, and how I should have been reprimanded or terminated. These were organizations I have never heard of with articles published by people who don't even know me. I try to tell myself that these people are posting comments about matters after receiving information from their only source-the media. Unfortunately, that just doesn't work. What's more upsetting is that the office didn't want to be upfront about the mistake they created-not me or the unit. Its not a good feeling to have your name or reputation tarnished by people who have never even met me. This entire experience has placed me on another level of loneliness. Level one of loneliness: no one understands what its like to work in the DA's office unless they have been in my shoes. Level two of loneliness: no one knows what its like struggling to surpass feelings attached to being raped unless they have experienced it. That alone is like a mental demise, and the one thing I had left-eventhough at times it was on unstable grounds-was my confidence in my ability to prosecute cases; however that has been comprimised now. Level three of loneliness: having your name dragged through the mud with the people you work for throwing you out there as fresh meat to be eaten alive by the sharks that swim in such shallow waters. I can honestly say that now it feels like I have nothing left. In my mind, not even the people I work with knows what that is like because I am the only one presently in that office that has endured this type of public scrutiny. Here is something else that keeps reverberating in my head. My sister telling me that someone with more experience should have been prosecuting that case. This shit hurts like hell......