An Extra Day Of Solitude

Today turned my three day weekend into a four day weekend. I only requested to have this past Friday off, but since court was closed today, I decided to stay home. I will tell my supervisors tomorrow when I go to work. I know some of you may be saying, "Boy I wish I had a job like that." Actually it's not all that bad to be able to come and go as I please. I guess that's one of the perks of being in that office. But today was not a day to do absolutely nothing. I decided to print out some resumes/cover letters for employment elsewhere. So far I have sent out two. One in the city and the other in DC. I have not made any decisions to make a move. I figure I will have to give myself some options before I make any decisions that important.

The poem that I posted to the right of this blog is important to me. I wrote it September 28, 2000. That is seven years ago. At the time I wrote it, I was just a law student, not an attorney who "wears the guise." Not to mention, I didn't have any particular man in mind when I wrote it. I was just up a little after midnight, and I decided to pick up my pencil and open my poetry book. The words just began to pour onto the paper. It was as if I wrote it with no effort or premeditation. Strangely, I do feel like I have to make a choice between money and family. I realize that I am more concerned with making money, but I am starting to think about what my counselor seems to think. She think in some ways I want a family; just scared of it and choose not to be in a relationship. She may be right. I still haven't figured that out. But I do know that I do not actively seek anyone to be in a relationship with. Everyone will probably agree that the best way to find a relationship is to not look for it. But even if I stumble upon one inadvertently, I will do something to distance myself. Just so the reader knows, I was this way before I was raped of course. I have always had a commitment complex. The rape has heightened if however. The idea of being raped by someone I have known since high school makes me think that I can't trust anyone new. So I guess the poem holds true to some degree; maybe I wil love someone "in another lifetime."