Weekend In A Flash

Friday night I made it home somewhere around 8:30. I took two xanax as the doctor told me and I fell asleep. I slept all day Saturday and all through Saturday night. I think I got out of the bed at noon on Sunday. The only good news is the defense counsel called and stated he wants to plead his client in tomorrow's trial. I so desparately want to go after the shooter whose case was dismissed last week for lack of evidence against him. So the co-defendants will testify against him, and hopefully we will prevail at trial against the shooter. I didn't do much else outside of that. I have been thinking a lot about things as it relates to a certain day. I am trying not to focus on what happened that night, and think more about the progress I have made. I asked my counselor if I have made any progress, but I can't remember exactly how she answered the question. I think I have made little progress, but I know I am not where I want to be.

Work has gotten a little better since I have resumed taking adderol. I have been more focused and I have been more attentive with my cases. I have several matters to present to the grand jury on Thursday. I have to stay at work late again this week. I have a lot to prep for in terms of motion hearings, and trials. I have to admit that it feels good to have a defense attorney by the balls when we are fully prepared for trial. Thats a change in things for us. I am tired of all of these homicides in the city, and I am trying to prosecute everybody. Jail time is a must and the only way I will dismiss a case is if I can not prosecute at all. Otherwise, I will try to make lemonade out of whatever lemons I have, and if it doesn't sell, then so be it. Otherwise I am coming after the killer.

Part Two Of What I Now Realize

Yesterday during my post, I forgot to mention that I didn't get the position of deputy chief in the office. The person who was promoted was equally qualified, so I am only hurt by the rejection. I was told that there is a strong possibility that there will be a second deputy chief position in the weeks to come, so maybe I will try my hand at it again. I haven't ruled out the division I am currently in, but I will monitor how much progress I make, if any, before I make my decision to seek that position should it become available.

February is slowly approaching, and that means I am coming up on a day that forever changed my life. I think because of it, I have not been able to sleep well at night. I have been suffering with the anxiety attacks, I haven't been wanting to get out of the bed in the morning, and I don't want to do my job any longer. I think this is contributing to my work performance and my supervisor is not the type of person I can talk to about it, because he will criticize me and tell it to everybody. Right now I feel stuck somewhere and I don't know how to get out or where to escape to. I feel trapped in my mind because all I do is think more about what happened to me almost two years ago. At one point, I was resting well in my new bed at night, but now I feel uncomfortable and unsafe in my surroundings. Last night I was going through a moment of anxiety so bad, I starting punching the pillows, the mattress, and pacing the floor. I walked around and played my keyboard until I started to feel the effects of the lunesta. I found myself playing melodies to the songs that were on the radio. I would find the keys so that I could play along with the artist. I think I fell asleep somewhere around 2:30 in the morning, but I kept waking up. So what do I do? For the most part, I try not to think about it, but that isn't working well for me. I will have to monitor my behavior and thought process over the next few weeks also.

Well the Saints lost today, and I must admit I am a little heartbroken. I was truly hoping that they would go to the Superbowl and win. Despite today's loss, I think they have a lot to be proud of. This team has accomplished so much in one season that will go down in football history. I am proud of the way they played this season, and I will be there next season cheering them on again. Get some rest guys. You deserve it.

What I Have Come To Realize

I do not like being in the homicide unit. However, I think I used the deputy chief position to run from it. My supervisor thinks that I am not working hard enough, and truth be told, he is right. I couldn't disagree. I see where I am not working to half of my potential; let alone full potential. So I had to ask myself why. Why am I not happy in the unit and why am I so nonchalant. Answer----(1) its depressing. There is nothing worst than opening a file looking at photographs of people brains splattered on the ground or on a wall. Blood coming from every conceivable part of a person's body. Photographs of people being stabbed to death with knife blades still stuck in their chest, piercing their hearts, eyes still open with a look of shock on their faces as they released their last breath. Photographs of people standing around a crime scene as if they are watching a parade float go by. Its extremely depressing. (2) Witnesses are too scared to testify which leads to murderers being released. There is nothing more frustrating in this job than watching a defendant in court as he is smiling because he knows the prosecution doesn't have witnesses who are willing to testify against his ass, thus leading to his release. Either a case is dismissed, refused, or plea bargained for a significantly small amount of time because we can not prosecute. And what happens after that? Everybody wants to get on the news and complain that we are not doing enough to prosecute cases. Everybody wants to call every prosecutor in the city incompetent. The police want to blame us for not having a strong case when they are the ones who bring us garbage cases. Everybody wants to call for the District Attorney's resignation. The main problem is people don't understand that the justice system component part is being tried by a jury of their peers, and in this city most of those peers can relate to the defendant. People don't understand that the defendant has a right to confront his accuser and cross examine witnesses against him, and if we can't present those people, how can we effectively prosecute a case. Just because there is an arrest doesn't mean there is a conviction. The justice system perpetuate itself by having effective police work, effective prosecution, and most importantly willing witnesses who will help put the icing on the cake and tell the jury what happened and who did it. Once the defendant sees that he doesn't stand a chance in front of a jury in this city, I guarantee that defendant will be begging to serve fifty years in prison as opposed to a life sentence or the death penalty. Defendants see our system as a joke and they don't fear it. (3) As a result of the aforementioned reasons I do not feel effective in the unit; therefore, I don't put my all into it. There are some other reasons effecting my performance, but I will save that for another blog post.

Can't Sleep

Good morning to those who are like me and can't sleep. Here it is 2:53 a.m. and despite having swallowed a sleeping pill at approximately midnight, I am still awake. There are times when it works, and then there are those nights when I am up until the sun peeks it shine through my mini-blinds. That's when I get pissed. I woke up this morning about 8:30, and drove to Foley, Alabama with two other friends. We went shopping at the outlet mall. I purchased a couple of shirts from Brooks Brothers; a robe, shower curtain, bath mat, and three shirts from the Ralph Lauren store. And the most expensive item on the list today was the $800.00 Bose system I purchased for my bedroom. It sounds nice, but the little voice inside of me keeps asking me why am I on this shopping splurge for myself. I hadn't figured out the answer to that question. I don't know if I am trying to fill a void. And if I am, what void is it that I am trying to fill. I guess I will ask my counselor that when I see her this week.

I have decided to apply for the deputy chief of trials position that is available now. There are at least eight other people who have expressed their interest, and I must admit, all are qualified for the position. If I make it to the finals, I will be happy. That will mean I am one step further to possible achievement. If I am selected, I have a few things on my agenda already. At the top is docket control and docket movement. Along with that, properly training prosecutors to effectively argue the law in favor of the State, therefore, making better attorney's in the office. Hopefully adding continuity under the current administration. Those are just a few things I have been thinking about. I am about to watch the Cosby Show since it is on until I dose off. Goodnight.....

Difference In Things

I must admit since I have my new furniture, I rest a whole hell of a lot easier. And I'm not just saying that because its something new and it makes the apartment look nice. When I was in my apartment prior to the storm, I hated my furniture. Particularly my bed. I hated the bedroom furniture so much that I slept on the floor. Anyone who knows me or have kept up with my blog knows why. But when I get in my apartment, in my space, in my bed, I feel a little more comfortable. I feel like a part of what I once had is being restored. Counseling is making a difference in my life and I don't know if I would be worst off without, or how I ever made it this far keeping things inside of me. The only real problems I had this week involved work and my lack of organization skills. I am still learning how to prosecute homicides, but I can't make simple mistakes because those are the ones that turn out to be the worst mistakes. I have more thinking to do about my position in the office. I will make a determination about things within the next 24 hours. After that, I will post my decision.

Two Cases Closed

This morning in court, I dismissed two homicide cases due to lack of evidence and lack of witnesses. It was so disturbing knowing that the victims family would be disappointed and frustrated. I spent most of the day annoyed at the entire justice system. Murderers literally walk away with having killed someone. I often wonder if they have any regret for taking a life. How can you just kill a person? Don't get me wrong, I have a personal hit list myself, but I don't think I would ever start killing those on that list easily without any forethought or afterthought. Once I left the office for the day, I cheered up a bit. I actually went to the gym tonight. I did better than I thought I would. A personal trainer wanted me to get on the damn machine and start running like I had been in training for years. NOT!!!! I had to explain to him that there is such a thing called warming up, training and conditioning. I am no body builder, but I'm no fool either. Be damned if he work me half to death on the first night. There is nothing worst than working out and then waking up the next morning too damn sore to even breathe. I have been back and forth with working out. Perhaps he thought I was new to the game, but I know what works for me and I told him he can't change that. Tell that shit to someone else who is trying to drop thirty pounds in two weeks. Don't get me wrong, I want to lose weight, feel healthy, and look like Janet, but there is such a thing called reality. Tonight I will dedicate another hour to my keyboard. It felt so good playing music again. I am starting with the basics. As if it were my first time playing. The ultimate goal is to learn the chords on the keyboard. After that, on to mastery. Music has always been my love, and my life now that I think about it. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have it around me. I honestly do not think there will be anything or anyone in my life that will give me the same feeling that music gives to me. Call me crazy, but its true love.

New Beginnings

Here it is....a new year and hopefully new things to come along with it. I finally moved into my new apartment, and it is so much more quiet than the last one. I feel a lot safer here and I like it. I am near businesses that I once took for granted such as a grocery store or a gas station. I started the new year off on a bad note in the office. My supervisor kind of got upset with how I handled two cases. I must admit, I am not an organizer. I am hoping I can get better in '07. There are a few things about me that I would like to change. However, I just don't like to make any new year's resolutions because that is too much like a commitment. The good news this year so far is that my new furniture came yesterday. It felt so good sleeping on a pillow top mattress again. I didn't take my sleeping pill last night, so I didn't get a good night rest. But it felt good having a bed, and it feels good having a sofa, kitchen table, and cooking utensils. I cooked dinner tonight for the first time in my apartment. I thought it came out pretty good. I think I over-cooked the rice though. I am not sure what I want to cook next, so I will go through a few recipes online. Its been a while since I have posted anything on my blog. Not posting anything in almost a month is not normal for me. Honestly, I didn't have much to say, and I didn't feel much like writing. My blog is an open diary and I wasn't interested in writing much about myself. I am better now, and I am looking forward to this new year.