Special Birthday

Today is my nephew birthday. He made 7 years old today. Its so hard to believe that I have watched him grow. I couldn't let the day go by without seeing him. He means so much to me even if I don't show it all of the time. There is nothing that I wouldn't do or wouldn't give so that he could keep his innocense. As I looked at him, with his two front teeth missing, I just kept saying to myself, "How cute!" I love him so much and this blog is for him. Happy Birthday Sticks!!!!! I promise you I will get the Lego you want.

Time To Talk About It

For the first time in my counseling session, I talked about being raped. I have danced around the issue before, but I have never discussed it in detail until last week. When I talked about it, I actually felt like I was in my old apartment, in my bedroom, being raped all over again. In my mind, all I could see was his devilish face holding me down raping me. It was the most difficult session I ever sat through. Mentally I was exhausted and I think to some degree I was still in shock behind the entire ordeal. I didn't realize how much pain and fear I had bottled up inside of me until I found myself crying in front of my counselor. For the past two years I have gone out of my way to be strong in my sessions and briefly discuss the rape without actually discussing the rape. My session began at seven, and I didn't get home until ten o'clock that night. My counselor didn't feel comfortable letting me leave immediately after our hour ended. I think I am getting to point where I understand how opening up about my feelings are beneficial to me. Hopefully the next time when I am in session it won't be as difficult to discuss what happened. I do feel intimidated by this issue. I don't know how I will feel the next time my counselor and I have this discussion. Hopefully I won't find myself curled up in a ball on the sofa gripping a pillow crying in a state of shock. On the other hand, I have to admit it felt good talking about things. The following day, I was happy and continued in my daily work as a prosecutor. At night when I'm at home, I think about things. I still hope and pray that I never see him again in life. I have had dreams about seeing him. It forces me to wake up and ask myself where am I. Once I realize that I am in my apartment, I fall asleep again. Before I end this entry, I want to sincerely thank the people who have supported me throughout all of this. I have to thank my best friend, my cousin, my blog friend Trucker, and my counselor. I don't think I would have made it through these past two years without them being supportive and expressing concern and belief in me. Thank all of you for being there.

This One Is For My Feelings

At first I wasn't going to post anything about this because I really didn't want to give it any attention. But I have come to realize that it wouldn't be fair to my feelings. I have a tendency to ignore what my feelings are saying, i.e. my heart, and only listen to my mind. So I am doing something different. Over the past week I have spent $969.49 travelling to and from Oakland, California to visit someone I thought really wanted to see me. However, I lost damn near $1,000.00 all to hear him say that he has never liked me as something other than a friend. Well let me start from the beginning.

I arrived in Oakland Sunday night tired and exhausted. Upon arrival, we went out to get something to eat, and when we came back home, I took a bath and went to bed. By the time Wednesday arrived, I reached the conclusion that there wasn't anything between he and I. We were just friends. He is going on with his life in another city, and I am content in another city. So no harm no foul. I am happy being his friend. Thursday night is when things got confusing. He shared with me that he had recently gotten out of a relationship with someone he met upon moving to California, and has apparently fallen in love with this woman. For whatever reasons, it didn't work out and she no longer wanted to be bothered with him. He was so depressed and was trying to figure out why things between he and the young woman fell apart. Despite the fact that this young woman and her mother used explicit language towards him behind some foolishness, he misses her. As a friend, I rationally talked to him about what he was going through just to help him put things into perspective. However, I couldn't help but ask what did I do wrong. Afterall, I've never cursed at him. Hell I don't think I have ever cursed in front of him. Here it was he was talking about relationships and "devotion", but for whatever reasons he and I could never get to the point of relationship or "devotion." He calmly said to me that he thought he made it perfectly clear to me that he never liked me as anything more than a friend. Not only that, but he said I never expressed myself in a manner that would indicate that I was interested in him. I asked him about the birthday gift, the surprise hotel room at the Sheraton overlooking the Mississippi River, the times we spent together, the poems about him that I let him read, my feelings about him moving to California, not to mention the money I spent to flying to California just to see him. He said that didn't say anything to him. This is how men talk out of both sides of their necks. About two months ago he called me and apolgized for not reciprocating any feelings that I displayed to him. When I reminded him of that, he got quiet.

It would have been one thing had he just said he didn't feel that way about me and couldn't develop those type of feelings for me. I don't expect every man I like to like me the same way. That is a childish viewpoint. Everyone is entitled to their feelings and there really is no need to explain your feelings to anybody. But for him to tell me that under those circumstances really hurt my feelings. The good thing is, I was able to tell him that. In my own way, I expressed my feelings without yelling or cursing. He actually looked upset after I expressed myself. He said he felt like he was losing a friend. I told him I feel like I've never had one. If he couldn't be honest about his new relationship or his feelings about me, then I never knew him. At this point, I don't want to know him. Why should I want to?

You know, I am always searching for ways to improve me. The first thing I said to myself is what can I do to make me better. Make me better express myself. Make me more likeable to others. But then I realized the problem isn't me. I'm not the one who lie to people. I'm not the one who verbally abuse people. I'm not the one who physically abuse people. And I'm damn sure not the one who rape people. But even with all of that being done to me, I'm the one who should try to improve myself? I've been looking at things backwards. It's cool he feels the way he does, but I am willing to bet my life that he will never find anyone like me. So from my feelings to yours.....KISS MY ASS MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!!

Peace Y'all...

Day One

Last night I didn't go to sleep. Not that I didn't try, but I just couldn't. I kept thinking of reasons not to go to California. I started going through anxiety such that I was nervous and shaking as I was laying in my bed. I actually thought about not boarding the flight out. The only thing that stopped me was that I didn't want to have my friend looking for me or waiting on me without being able to give a good excuse for changing my mind. He called yesterday to see if there was anything I wanted so that he could stock his place with food for me, and to see what our schedule would be like considering he has to go to work this week. He is also making plans to maybe work from home if he can't take off a couple of days. I figured I'd be wrong if I didn't go. At about 4:30 in the morning, I dozed off and dreamt that I flew into California two hours early and didn't call him until it was late. He got mad at me and didn't want to see me anymore. So I came home. I am a complete fucking idiot! Its just a trip to a city I have been to and visit someone I already know, and I am acting like this is the biggest committment of my life. I see why I can't be in a relationship. I dislike committing to anything of this nature that is binding.