My Road To Heaven That Feels Like Hell

I have given much thought to my current place in life. The conclusion I have reached is that I am being punished for my sins. Now before you say anything, read this blog first. I have battled with myself over the past couple of years, and I am to a point that I just want to give up on so much; including life. Last week, I had two dreams about the man who raped me, and neither one was pleasant. I attribute my dreams to my last counseling session. I explained to my counselor that I stopped taking my medicine because I want to feel normal. I want to be me again, and being me includes not having to deal with anything. If something happened, I brushed it off and kept going. My counselor said that things happen in our lives that forces us to deal with things. I didn't want to hear that. In fact, I ignored it. That night, I dreamt about the man who forever impacted me, and it ruined the remainder of my week. However, that dream made me realize that my counselor was right. Not to mention, it made me remember a conversation I had with a minister when I visited Selma, Alabama a few weeks ago. He explained to me the definition of grace. Ever since I have been living, my definition of grace was any means by which God made things easy for a person. And I was wrong.

The minister explained that grace is the turmoil that we go through in order to receive the plan that God has set for us. The definition of grace is, according to Webster's, is unmerited divine assistance given humans for their regeneration or sanctification. The definition of regeneration or sanctification is spiritual renewal or revival. Grace is God's favor through Christ to people who deserve His wrath. In this definition, the deserving of wrath picks up the idea of demerit, while the concept of God's favor is still retained.

Ephesians chapter 2, verses 1-5: And you hath he quickened, who were dead in trespasses and sins; Wherein in time past, ye walked according to the course of this world, according to the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that now worketh in the children of disobedience: Among whom also we all had our conversation in times past in the lusts of our flesh, fulfilling the desires of the flesh and of the mind; and were by nature the children of wrath, even as others. But God, who is rich in mercy, for his great love wherewith he loved us, even when we were dead in sins, hath quickened us together with Christ, by grace ye are saved.

Here, as I live and breathe, I am amongst the disobedient; as well as a child of wrath. Wrath is what I am going through just like many others. And through Christ by the grace of God, I will make it through this wrath that I am surrounded by. Christ had the biggest cross to carry. He had to endure such wrath for the unwarranted to receive God's mercy; the unwarranted being us humans. The road that Christ walked to His crucifixion was grace, and it is through that grace, we are saved. When we go through tuff times, we tend to view that as demerit by God. However, God's favor is still retained. How else are we to understand punishment and forgiveness.

I am bearing my cross right now, and it's probably one of the biggest crosses I will have to bear. However, I have to stop running. Afterall, imagine if Christ had ran from his destiny. He wouldn't be sitting next to God. Therefore, I have walk this painful road to my destiny.

Truth Of The Matter

For the past two weeks, I have been frustrated with my thought process and people. Last week, I fussed with a defense lawyer about a homicide file that is four years old and is no where near trial. I left work with a headache, upset stomach, and everytime I spoke I could feel the muscles in my throat pulling. That same week, I followed a defendant and approached her about a personal comment she passed about me after court. Ordinarily I would have ignored her, but I just couldn't let it pass. Also in that week, I fussed at another motorist who was making an illegal turn, but she wanted to show me where I was wrong. Slowly but surely I am getting fed up with something. What that something is, I don't know. All I know is that it is becoming extremely difficult to just let things roll of my back or simply ignore things and people. I am tired of not being able to sleep at night because my body has adapted to the sleeping pills prescribed to me. I am tired of constantly telling myself to not let my job dictate how I view people. And most importantly I am tired of telling myself to stop thinking about being raped. It doesn't matter where I am, what I am doing, what I am watching, or who I am talking to. This shit just constantly runs through my head like a cross country marathon, and I honestly feel like no one understands my frustration. I am tired of explaining why I don't take my medicine everyday, why I don't want to talk to the psychiatrist, why I want to kill people, why I don't want to be around people, etc. I really do wish there was someplace I could go to put things into perspective, but the problem is I can't get away from me or my thoughts. If anyone can answer any of the questions posted under my poetic verse of the day section, please respond on this blog.