Major Changes

So far, I have decided that I need to be a hell of a lot more serious about my health. If I don't do anything else for the new year, I need to do at least that. My doctor told me that my cholesterol level is slightly high. Because I know absolutely nothing about those damn numbers, I decided to get on the internet and do my homework. In a nutshell, my LDL and HDL is bad, and that ain't good. I've gotten slightly paranoid about the whole thing such that I read the labels of everything I buy in the grocery store just to make sure what I am buying doesn't have any cholesterol or saturated fat. My doctor mailed a diet plan she wants me to start, but I haven't gotten it in the mail yet. I will have to call her tomorrow and just go pick it up. I have been eating Honey Nut Cheerios like crazy. I have to get on a strict diet for at least three months before I do another blood test. I got the news about my health right before Thanksgiving. I knew it would be a little difficult to maintain a strict diet around the holidays, so I decided to wait until the new year. I hope my cholesterol level hasn't gotten any higher in the meantime.

Guess Who's Back

I've decided to come back to my blog. Some things have happened in my life. Some good. Some bad. Some I wish I could change. Some I don't care to change. My attitude about things have changed and my perspective on life is changing. I intuitively believe that next year will be better for me overall. Through therapy, I have decided to set new goals for myself, and so far things are coming along in my favor. But I don't want to get ahead of myself.

I've changed the layout of my page; which represents my current state of mind. Its bright and its also indicative of what I think of my future. I've put a few people at arms length, and nobody closer than arms length. I'm still single, and I have every intention of keeping it that way for now. I don't want to give it all away, but I will write as my life/story develop. This will be a building block for all to see.

K.I.T.

BRB

I have decided to take a break from blogging for a while. I'll return when I want to share my life.....

Ain't This A Bitch

On this very day in 2005, I fled the city to get away from Hurricane Katrina. Now here it is, I may have to run from what will eventually be Hurricane Gustav once it enters the Gulf of Mexico. If New Orleans suffer another destruction, then I need to seriously reconsider staying the hell out of this city. I have a place where I will store my cd's, my tv, my dvd/cd player, and my keyboard. That way all I will have to bring with me are my clothes. I may bring my keyboard with me just in case I need to occupy my time should I be gone for an extended length of time. Mentally I don't feel like dealing with this shit. All I see is the devastation Katrina left and how everybody had to start over. I can see the mold in my old apartment as if it were yesterday, and I can see how badly damaged my friends and family houses were destroyed. All of my shit is probably still sitting in that abandoned complex that hasn't been demolished. It serves as an eyesore and a reminder everytime I pass by it. I truly hate this time of the year. Maybe a move to Virginia won't be so bad afterall.

My Weekend

This weekend, I drove to Mississippi to spend time with my grandmother. It was long overdue. When I went to sleep Friday night, I realized the last time I saw my grandmother was for my cousin Angie's funeral. That was a ruff period in my life. Angie was killed in a car accident shortly after the one year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. I had just moved back into the city, there were still reminders of the destruction around, and then Angie's death. It was just one blow after another. I remember at her funeral I kept asking myself how will I be able to come here and not see her smile, or hear her witty jokes. Over the weekend, I realized that I stayed away from Mississippi because it was just too painful. It was the place I ran to escaping the storm. It was the place I was forced to live in because I was basically homeless. It was the place I travelled to and from work in New Orleans because I had no where to sleep in the city. It was the place where I felt like an outcast because so many people were criticizing people affected by Katrina. It was the place where my cousin was killed. It eventually became the place I stayed away from. But this weekend made me see just how much I still enjoy being with my family. Hopefully I will never stay away that long again.

This weekend, we also lost two icons. Isaac Hayes who was an icon in the music industry. He contributed so much to music. He was probably the epitome of soul music in the 70's. He brought a unique sound of strings and percussion to our ears that will forever reverberate in our lives. Isaac Hayes will be missed.

Another icon we lost suddenly was comedian Bernie Mac. His death really saddened me. It's been on my mind all weekend. Bernie Mac was one of the very few comedians who knew how to tell a joke. His smile alone made you smile with anticipation of what he would say next. You knew whatever he said, it was going to be funny. Bernie is now among the stars with another icon of comedy; the late, great Richard Pryor. I will really miss Bernie Mac. I will end this post with a quote of one of my favorite jokes from Bernie.

"But I'm gone tell you one muthafuckin thing. The next time I see that muthafucka, and he ain't got my muthafuckin money, I'm gone bust him in his muthafuckin head. And I'm out this muthafucka!!!"

Bernie Mac/ Original Kings of Comedy

Goodnight Uncle Bernie....

Not So Easy

My session today was a ruff one. For a moment, I forgot where I was, and found myself feeling as if I was being held captive in my bedroom all over again. I tried to shake it off and go to work, but I couldn't. I had fallen a little to deep in what happened. The conversation I elected to talk about took me there. I think I also became upset when my counselor impressed upon me the strong possibility that my mother may have been raped. I know about incidents between my mother, a few of her female siblings, and the men in and out of their lives. Sexual battery was clearly there, and the rape of her youngest sister at the age of twelve or thirteen was there. But my mother being raped was something I didn't have any evidence of. But my counselor thinks that because my mother have always told me that every man rapes a woman at least once in his life, then its likely she was raped as a child. I think that's why my mother down plays what happened to me. It's probably so common place in her life as a child, that it's just something a person should "get over." With that in mind, I definitely don't want to discuss what happened to me with her because it may prompt her to remember some things that she would rather forget. I don't want to put my mother through any of that if that is the case. I just have to learn how to respond to my mother in certain conversations, and make sure I don't obsess over any of her comments to me regarding counseling, marriage, and children. That one hour of counseling impacted me severely.

It Only Took Five Years And Three Months

Today I had the chance to experience something I have only seen happen. Usually when I am in the courtroom, I am the one asking the questions to witnesses. Today was different. I was the one answering the questions. I was called to the witness stand to testify. I had so much fun. I have always wondered what it felt like being up there on the witness stand. I wondered if I would be nervous, or if I would remain calm. Needless to say I was calm, and did quite well. I was hoping for more questions, but my testimony only lasted about ten minutes. So as it stands, I am calm as a prosecutor, and as a witness. Maybe I just love being in a courtroom. Don't misconstrue what I am saying. I certainly don't miss the stress of being in court on a daily basis, but nonetheless, I do like court.

Other than that, my day was good. I will end this post with a riddle that my cousin sent me in a text message tonight. I got it right. I told it to my sister and she got it wrong. I want to see how many others are smart like me. It's relatively easy, but it can trick a person. It reads as follows: If you have 10 fish, and 5 of them drown, but 3 came back to life, how many fish were left alive?

Read The Signs

I really like my sign. It really helps me understand who I am, and why I do the things I do. I also think I harbor some proud feelings about being a Sagittarius. After all, we're thinkers, seekers of truth, smart, possess a very high sex drive, and are quite charming to others. However, we do get bored very easily. So its up to the rest of the world to keep our attention, or else you risk losing us. We typically don't like to be tied down by relationships. But we stick around provided or mate understands that we have to have our space when needed. The flip side to this is when we "fall in love" with someone, we really fall hard for that someone. It's almost like an obsession. So believe it or not, we really know how to give our undivided attention to someone. Its just that it has to be on our terms with the appropriate space given. The picture says a lot about us. We are a sun sign. We are half human and half animal. Therefore, we have animal instinct (that sex drive discussed earlier), and we are athletic-even if we battle the bulge. But we love the outdoors. We're the archer; meaning we aim for knowledge, aim to be free, we aim to know something past this life; which is why philosophy is extremely important to us. I honestly don't think there is any other sign that compares to ours. I don't get caught up in which sign I am compatible with, because I believe other signs either want to be us, or want to be with us. Because we are constantly changing and re-inventing ourselves, people of other signs are intrigued by us. I know my birthday is months away, but this should give you some indication of how important my sign is to me. I am trying to figure out how I want to celebrate my birthday this year. First, it was Vegas and extending invitations to select people. Then it became celebrating with no one and visiting a place I have never been to. Now its a small party at Beau Rivage with an even smaller group of people. That may change also. I am not certain, but I have to figure out something. I will be turning 35 this year, and I have to do something memorable. Something that will make me look back and smile. Something that will give me an incentive to top it in the next five years. Something that gives me a reason to live and be happy that I am alive.

Music And Sleep

This weekend I did what I love doing most. I listened to music, and I slept. My intentions were to hang out a little more this weekend, but as usual, I chose not to. Yesterday I listened to music and played around on the internet for most of the day, then I slept. This morning I got up around 6:30 and ate breakfast. I went back to bed, and then I got up just in time to go catch the 5:00 showing of The Dark Knight. I don't know who this Heath Ledger guy was, but he did a damn good job with his role of the Joker. Best I had ever seen, and that's counting Jack Nicholson when he played the Joker. This is probably the only making of the movie that I actually like. All of the other Batman movies sucked in my opinion. For that reason, I had my reservations about seeing this movie. But in the end, my money was well spent. It only cost me $5.50 to see the movie, so that put me in a great mood. I don't think it should cost more than that to see a picture on the big screen.

In a few minutes, I will be getting ready for bed again. I hope I fall asleep tonight. But before I go, I want to share a "yo mama" joke with you guys. Someone told it to me and I thought it was funny.


Yo mama pussy so nasty, they put her shit on fear factor to see if anybody would eat it.

I laughed my ass off at that one.....

It's All Good

My week was pretty good I must admit. I was steady with my mood (there was a minor incident in session this week, but that didn't affect the rest of my week), I didn't stray out of the diet I am trying to implement, I didn't drink any alcohol, and I stuck to my exercise regimen for the week. I spoke to my sister this week. Not only did I call my parents twice this week, I also went by the house. I still have to get to a point that I stop looking at the gas needle on my dashboard everytime I drive over five miles though. Gas is just out of control, and that's all I am going to say about that. I wish I had stock in that shit right about now. But anyway. I also did something yesterday that I am sure no one would ever anticipate me to do by myself. I went to Wal-Mart. It was either that, or drive a little further to Winn Dixie for a few items. So I put my feelings of hate aside for Wally World, and kept telling myself all the while I was there that this doesn't have to be a bad experience. I managed to get the first parking spot on the row directly across from the store. I got a clean buggie. There was only one pair of pants on the floor. The isles weren't cluttered with pallets or packed with people. And there were people in the 20 items or less checkout lane with either 20 items or less. Yes I counted the number of items people had irrespective of whether they were ahead of me or behind me. It still isn't fair if someone behind me has more than 20 items because the person behind that person has to suffer and endure Wal-Mart longer than what any rational person should have to tolerate. The only thing that bothered me was seeing 30 checkout lanes, and only eight were open. I guess that will never change. I have decided to try and pace myself better day by day. I have picked up other hobbies to occupy my time during the day so that I don't get consumed with my thoughts. I won't share what my new hobby is unless I master it. That is my new secret challenge for myself.

Just To Set The Record Straight

I deleted my last blog post due to a certain reaction that stemmed from it. I want everyone who read my last post to understand this. That post was about me being confused over whether I believe in God. It was also about whether I believe in love. It was not written with the intentions to make people think I was/am suicidal. It was written purely from the standpoint of suffering with confusion over some things in my life. I was not thinking about harming myself when I posted that entry, and I am not thinking of harming myself now. I do understand why some readers may have interpreted my last post in that regard. I apologize for any imminent fear imposed to the reader(s), and I appreciate their display of concern to an extent. I do have my side of the story regarding yesterday's actions that I will express to the appropriate people. Again I apologize, and will reconsider allowing my blog to be published to any and all viewers in the future.

Think For Yourself 101

Recently I have been on our Kennedy web page entertaining forum discussions. For the most part the conversations are interesting, but not intellectual. People are leaving their opinions, but have a tendency to get upset when other people leave an opinion adverse to their opinion. How do I know they are upset? Because they end their comment with, "but everyone has an opinion and this is mine." Another problem I am finding is that most of the people commenting have nothing of substance to back their argument. They'll spit out a few quotes from the bible that is tailored to their opinion and keep reciting that same verse. I'll comment whenever my name is mentioned for feedback, but I am really getting tired of the forum discussions that are political/religious in nature. Which leads me to the reason for this post.

It's been a while since I have entertained the topic of religion/the bible with other people. One reason why I have stayed away from it is because I have found that most people love to quote the bible, but hate to read it. That is one of the most absurd things I have heard of. How can a person quote something as a point of reference and not know the contents of what they're quoting. Second reason why I have stayed away from these types of discussions is because people don't like to read and learn things on their own. People would rather have the bible spoon fed to them. Therefore, they only know the interpretation of the person lecturing to them. Maybe that's why I have such a huge problem with going to church. I really have a problem with someone else giving me their opinions and interpretations of the bible. Perhaps that's why I like the law so much. No matter what the law is, everyone has an interpretation of it, and the courtroom is where we argue those different interpretations. But the bible is different. Everyone wants to believe that there is only one interpretation. That may be fine, but what do you when you find discrepancies in the book you were taught to believe in and rely upon. Here is an example of one of those discrepancies.

Let's start with the very beginning of the bible. The book of Genesis. More specifically Genesis; chapter one; verses 26-28. Those verses read as follows:

And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth. So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them. And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth.

Clearly in the very first chapter God created man and woman. Those verses can be interpreted that way. So one would imagine that the earth now has a man and a woman upon it, and more people would soon follow from those two people. Right? But wait.....Let's read further. In the second chapter of the book of Genesis, there is another creation. This took place after God put Adam in the Garden of Eden. Let's read it. More specifically Genesis; chapter 2; verse 15 which reads:

And the Lord God took THE MAN, and put him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it.

Now what happened to the woman God created in the first chapter? Why would God only take "the man" and not the woman who was created for the purpose of being fruitful and multiplying? Well let's read further. More specifically Genesis; chapter two; verses 20-24 which reads:

And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him. And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept; and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh; she shall be call Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

Now think about these first two chapters. Why is it that there are two different times when a woman is created in this bible? Could it be that Adam had two wives? Could it be that the first woman didn't work out, so God created another one? Whatever the case may be, its obvious that there are discrepancies in the bible. Its obvious that whoever wrote this book, wrote what they wanted the readers to read and believe. Even if there were scriptures written for the purpose of history, those scriptures certainly have been altered.

I will give another observation of mine. The "immaculate conception" of Christ. I don't believe it. The only reason why people believe it is because they don't want to doubt God. While I don't doubt God, I doubt what the authors of the bible have conveyed to us all of these years. As children we were taught that Mary, the mother of Christ, became pregnant by way of the Holy Spirit; i.e. she was a virgin, yet conceived a child. Impossible. The very first book and chapter (the book of Matthew) in the new testament starts off going through the entire line of David eventually leading to Joseph. Joseph was the man Mary married who eventually gives birth to Jesus. Now if Jesus was born of an immaculate conception, then why does the entire old testament discuss the lineage of Noah, Abraham, Jacob, David, Solomon, etc. According to the old testament, Jesus came through this lineage, and its also reiterated in the new testament. If Christ was of an "immaculate conception," then why does all of this lineage matter? Why is lineage highlighted throughout the majority of the bible? Lineage shouldn't matter if Christs' birth was of an "immaculate conception." Particularly if Mary was a virgin when she married Joseph, and Joseph considered leaving Mary once he found out she was pregnant. If the immaculate conception is true, then Christ didn't come through Joseph's line as the old and new testament would have the reader believe.

I guess I said all of that to say this. Read for yourself and think for yourself. Don't believe something just because you've been taught that's the norm in society. After all, what or who classifies what is normal and what isn't. That's another post at a later date. I think I have put enough on y'all minds with this post.

Crime and Punishment

Yesterday in the news, a decision recently rendered by the United States Supreme Court was issued to the public. Our nation's highest court ruled Louisiana Law regarding the death penalty for capital rape is unconstitutional. In Louisiana, rape of a child age 12 and under was an offense punishable by death until yesterday. The court's reasoning was that the death penalty for such an offense is not only too harsh, but was rarely ever administered in various states. All five of the liberal justices voted against the death penalty being administered for such offense. All of the conservative justices disagreed. They were of the opinion that such an offense is the ultimate act of violence that could ever be committed upon a child--I agree.

As an adult who was subjected to sexual assault, it has been difficult for me. I can only imagine that experience for a child. All of that child's innocence is lost and can never be restored. That child has been robbed of so much. The ruling just didn't seem fair to me. The legal side of my mind believes that a life sentence is better for the offender because that person will be raped in prison. Its a fact that prisoners have no mercy for convicted rapists of children. That is the hell on earth they should be subjected to. But there is a part of me that is attached emotionally; which clouds my legal opinion. I am of the theory that the crime of rape is worst than committing a murder. Having to live with the nightmare of being subdued against your will, being treated as if you have no say in what is taking place, and having to bare the physical pain during the incident is not a good feeling. Then comes the mental pain that lingers on in your mind dictating how you live and interact with people. The nights are long when you're in bed tossing and turning because every time your eyes close, all you can see is yourself being raped; literally feeling the physical pain you felt at that moment in time. Its been hard as hell.

I accept the ruling. I don't have a choice but to. However, it is a difficult pill to swallow.

Basic Instinct

According to Webster's Dictionary, the definition of instinct is: 1: a natural or inherent aptitude, impulse, or capacity; 2 a: a largely inheritable and unalterable tendency of an organism to make a complex and specific response to environmental stimuli without involving reason b: behavior that is mediated by reactions below the conscious level.

This word in interesting to me now. At my counseling session tonight, it took me forty minutes to understand what it was my counselor was trying to get me to see. For as long as I have been living, I have ignored a certain instinct in me. This instinct that I have neglected is what prompts other people to decide to take a chance, get to know someone, and perhaps develop a relationship of some sort. For weeks now, a friend of mine has been repeating the word companionship to me. I honestly could not understand what in the hell she was talking about. I have never understood why anyone sought companionship. Its not something I have ever sought, or wanted to explore. Ever since I was six or seven, my mother taught me that the only thing I ever needed a man for was a "good fuck," and that was it. I have always been taught and raised to take care of myself, and never fall in love with a man. So whenever I met a guy, I would look at him physically to see if he was someone I'd like to have sex with. After sex, I lost whatever interest I had in him. I've never looked for anything past sex with men. With the exception of one man, I have never sought a relationship with any of the men I have had sex with. The one exception was a decision made after I was raped of course. I was too scared to get to know anyone new. I later realized that I didn't really want to be in a relationship with him either. Out of fear, I was trying to force something that wasn't there. Tonight I realized that ever since the latter part of my teenage years, I have only been interested in men for sex and that's all. Sex was my reason for befriending a man.

Here's why the definition above is important. A "...complex and specific response to environmental stimuli without involving reason." To me, that definition means that instinctively people respond to certain things because its just something within us. There is no conscious or aforethought to love. There is no reason to companionship, marriage, love, etc. People respond to those things because that's just within us as humans, and maybe that's just our inner purpose; which requires no reason or logic. Its been my experience that no one can articulate why they love someone. They just do. And no reason has to be attached to it because its an unconditional love; I suppose. But with me, its just the opposite. In my mind, there is a reason for everything. A reason for everything I say and do. My life is dictated by logic. In my mind, B has to logically follow A. If that doesn't happen, then it doesn't make sense to me. Love is something that has never made sense to me because it couldn't be explained to me. And I didn't take the time out to understand it because it was so "complex" to me, and didn't "involve reason." I guess all this time I have been viewing things wrong. All this time I have been ignoring that "natural impulse" that doesn't require reasoning. All I had to do was explore its possibilities. Imagine that....

Happy Birthday Friend!!!!!

This blog is for my best friend. Today is her 35th birthday. Ordinarily in the month of January she whines and complains that June 22 is "just around the corner." But this year she didn't say a word about it. She took aging gracefully like a woman. The good thing about my friend is that she still looks young and good for her age. I normally get her a birthday cake, but this year I didn't. For some reason, I am focusing on how I will spend my 35th birthday.

I must say my friend has done well. A house, car, two beautiful daughters. She has been blessed tremendously, and I am certainly happy to have her in my life.

Happy Birthday Tara!!!!!!

My Visit To The Psych

Recently, a friend of mine has been bugging me about marriage/dating and going to church. She is slowly starting to remind me of my mother. My mom nags me about getting married, having children, having a companion, and going to church. Because I don't want to be bothered with my mother's constant song, I limit my conversations with her, and visits to her house. While my friend is not exactly like my mother, she is beginning to sound just like her. Somewhere around the same time she has managed to preach to me about marriage, relationships and church all at once. She thinks that church will make me happy such that I won't have to take my medicine for depression. I am not feeling her on that marriage shit, and I am hardly feeling her on the whole church thing. But I do understand and appreciate her concern for me. I want her to understand how I feel however. Simply because marriage and church works for her, doesn't mean it will work for me; at least not now particularly when its not what I want right now. Today I asked my doctor if he thought I should go to church as opposed to taking medicine for my depression. The answer my doctor gave me was: (1) go to church if that is what I want to do; (2) it would be beneficial for me to go to church to improve my social life; (3) find a religion or church that I am comfortable with and like (meaning research other types of religions because I may not be a fan of western religions but I might like eastern religions better); and (4) don't stop taking my medicine if I go to church because they both can work together. By that he meant if my depression came from not going to church, then going to church would help me and not the medicine. But because the medicine has helped me improve, then its the medicine and not church that has helped with the chemical imbalance that I have. My doctor thinks that going to church would give me hope and it would help me get to know new people that may share some of the same beliefs as I do, but he is against me not taking my medicine. He used the example of someone with diabetes. Would you tell a person who is a diabetic not to take their insulin, instead go to church and that will make them well. The answer is no. My doctor said he would encourage both. I liked his answer. He understands in the African-American community that mental health is something that isn't sought. He is absolutely right about that. Black people have this theory that the bible cures all. Or if you believe in God then all of your woes will disappear. I don't believe that. I think people who suffer with mental illness should seek medical attention just like people who have physical illnesses. And yes depression is an illness. Its not just "all in my mind," or will "go away if I pray on it." Its something that needs to be addressed by seeing a physician. To bad many people don't understand that. I think I have made progress with the medicine I am currently taking. I can't stress enough that if I wasn't taking any medicine, then I would have likely killed myself or at least attempted to. Its hard to explain what its like living day to day thinking that I should kill myself and end my misery. It was a thought that just sat on the forefront of my mind preventing me from focusing on anything else in life. In a lot of ways, I don't want to explain it because I don't want people to see that deep level of depression in me. Believe me friend, its better that I take medicine, or you would be visiting me in a psychiatric ward or at a grave site. Taking the medicine helps me focus on something other than what caused the depression. I am sure there is someone who may say that my life is not as bad as I think it is. Through their eyes, they may be right. But being raped in February '05, then six months later losing all of my belongings in a hurricane turning my life upside down even more so, and having a stressful job kind of changes a persons perspective on life. Its easy for someone to see me and say, "she got it made." But no one is able to see how I feel on the inside to measure my unhappiness. Hopefully whoever reads this will understand, and not tell me I am wrong for looking at things the way I do. If I thought I could bounce back from all of that, then I would have done it a long time ago. My method didn't work, so I had to give the medicine a try.

As for church, I have never been big on it. I only went because I was forced to go as a child. Just like school. Right now, I am not interested in joining a church. Maybe that will change in the future, but I am not interested in any particular western religion and I am not interested in a non-denominational church because its no different from a denominational church. Only difference is its not a religion that teaches the same principles I already know from my own upbringing and reading. I think I am searching for something different, so I will take the advice of my doctor and look into eastern religions.

As for that marriage/dating/children part. I am not ready for that in the least bit, nor am I looking for it to happen anytime soon. Mentally I am not ready to share my life and space with another person. I am content with looking out for just myself and no one else.

Please try and understand that....

The Audacity Part II

I had to respond to his audacity, i.e. his arrogance or boldness. I just couldn't remain silent like I did the night he raped me. I couldn't let him and everyone else go on thinking that everything was fine between he and I. I couldn't let him rape me again. I couldn't be a victim again. Most importantly, I couldn't be a victim in my own mind. I refused to sit silent letting things go like I did three years ago. So I responded to his audacity by leaving a comment on his page. He didn't like what I had to say, so he erased it. Not only did he erase the comment I left on his page, he also erased the comment he left on mine. My comment to him entailed a message advising him not to contact me because I don't want to talk to a rapist. I guess that didn't make him feel "ok." I am sure what he read scared him. I hope it scared him just as much as he scared me the night he sexually assaulted me. He was a coward then , and he is a coward now. His cowardice caused him to erase his comment and mine because he didn't want people to know his dirty little secret. After all, he can't have his image and reputation tarnished. He can't have his family and friends look at him differently and live with the shame of knowing that he violated someone in such a manner that civilized people in society would shun him and point fingers when he walked by. He can't live with the feeling of discomfort in his mind that people will talk about him whenever they see him, or identify him as a rapist. Everything was "ok" as long as I was quiet. Everything was "ok" as long as I didn't say anything about what he did to me. So to make sure no one discovered he is a rapist, the delete button became the mechanism that too would silence the truth.

But that wasn't enough for me. It wasn't enough that only he knew how I felt. I had to do more. I had to say more. I had to display the same amount of audacity as he did. I too had to be just as arrogant and bold as he. I had to tell someone else. I had to tell someone who could confront him about it. So I told his wife. Why did I tell his wife someone might ask. Because - I have protected him long enough. I have protected his wife long enough. I protected the both of them because I didn't want to hurt her or their two children. What I finally realized was that in the act of protecting them, my silence was eating me up on the inside. It was causing me to have sleepless nights, and unhappy days. It was preventing me from enjoying life because I was too ashamed of being raped. I felt like I did something wrong. I felt like it was my fault, and I have grown tired of that. He needs to recognize his fault in all of this and she needs to know about it. So to place her on notice, a request was made to her on her website to tell her husband not to contact the person he raped on February 13, 2005 at 11:30 pm. I am sure she read the comment because eventually it was deleted off of her page, and the only thing I feel is vindicated. I feel like I have lost weight. I feel like a burden has been lifted off of my shoulders. Maybe now he isn't feeling "ok." Hopefully now he is the one having sleepless nights and unhappy days. He rendered me powerless the night he raped me, but now I feel empowered. I feel like I am in the driver seat now. I feel like I have the upper hand, and there is absolutely nothing that he can do to take that power away from me. How audacious of me, i.e. arrogant and bold.

The Audacity

Imagine my frustration when I checked my page on our high school website and saw a comment posted from the person who raped me. The comment read, "Hi, I'm glad to see that you are ok and doing well." At first I couldn't believe that he sent a message to my page, but what was more disturbing was the fact that he apparently thought it was ok to send me a message. That's a brave motherfucker. He got some big fucking balls!!!!! What would make him think that I am "ok" and "doing well?" Well now lets see.....He certainly doesn't know about the numerous hours I have sat on a sofa talking to a psychiatrist. He doesn't know about the weekly counseling sessions I attend to help me COPE with being raped. He doesn't know about the $500.00 deductible I have to pay yearly just to be able to take anit-depressants at a lower cost to help me focus and not be depressed because of his egregious acts upon me in my own home; and that deductible is just the tip of the iceberg financially. He doesn't know that I have had thoughts and some plans in the past to kill myself because of him. Nor does he know that I no longer feel comfortable in my home, comfortable with sex, or comfortable with myself. BUT HE CAN SEE THAT I AM OK AND DOING WELL!!!!!

I got on google and found out where Katy, Texas is cause I really want to kill him. He need to be damn lucky gas is sky fucking high!!!!!

Some Sense Of Peace

For the past month, I have been logging onto a website that only Kennedy graduates have access to. Its our way of staying in touch with former classmates whom we haven't seen or heard from since graduating high school. Not to mention, its key for us also because after Katrina, our school was damaged badly, so the school system saw fit to not re-open it. Everyday people are joining the site and the one name I didn't want to see, I saw today. The person who changed my life drastically back in 2005 has signed on to the website. He graduated two years ahead of me. The good news is he is currently residing in Texas. That made me feel good. I dreaded the idea of crossing his path someday on the street here in the city. I truly hate this person, and I don't say that often about people. But I hope a hurricane rips through that part of Texas affecting his house only, and I hope that bitch die!!

What Is Ok?

According to Webster's Dictionary, the word "ok" means to approve or authorize. For as long as I can remember, someone has always asked me do I have a favorite food, color, song, etc. I never gave it much thought because I didn't like the ideal of having to choose a favorite anything. Making a choice has always seemed so unfair to me, and it placed a certain level of stress on me even as a child. Still to this day making choices between something or someone is so burdensome. Therefore, I don't choose, and take the attitude that I can live with it or without it. It wasn't until I was maybe 31 years old that a friend of mine made me realize that I categorize everything as "ok." My friend, out of damn near ten years of knowing me, never heard me say I like or dislike something; it was just "ok." That prompted me to realize that I don't have a favorite food, color, song, etc. In my mind, having a favorite anything would be too much like committing to something more than something else. That in and of itself just doesn't sit well with me. Needless to say, my pondering on this realization didn't stop there. The next thing that I realized was everything that I characterized as "ok" really meant that I didn't have much interest in something or I didn't put much thought into something. The next question to myself was why. Why don't I have a significant interest in things? So I decided to pick something that I was interested in other than music. Problem was I couldn't pick anything. To me that was strange. There had to be something I was interested in. Something that was more than just "ok." But there wasn't anything, and for weeks I kept saying the word "ok" to myself. It was a word I just couldn't stop thinking about. Then it finally hit me why that word is so popular in my life. Ever since I was child, I have been told what is "ok" and what isn't "ok." I then realized that I'd never made the decision that something was "ok" or not "ok" because the decision was already made for me. I had no choice in determining what I thought was "ok" or not "ok." Then all of a sudden I began to remember. I remembered what was "ok" and what wasn't "ok."

It's not ok to joke around because she didn't raise a fool.
It's ok to be seen and not heard, but it's not ok to be quiet all of the time because she didn't raise me to be snobbish.
It's ok to speak to people, but it's not ok to be around people because it's better to stay to myself.
It's ok to be nice to people, but it's not ok to consider people as friends.
It's ok when people compliment me, but it's not ok to compliment myself; that would be arrogant.
It's ok for people to recognize my accomplishments, but it's not ok to tell people what my accomplishments are; that would be boastful.
It's ok to visit family members, but it's not ok to spend time with my family because my family doesn't care about me, or like me.
It's ok to use a man only for sex, but it's not ok to have sex before marriage.
It's ok to tell my mother what's making me cry, but it's not ok to cry about it in front of her; she raised me to be stronger than that.
It's ok to curse at people when they hurt me, but it's not ok to cry in front of people when I am hurt; that's a sign of weakness.
It's ok to fight back because it represents strength, but it's not ok to express my anger because it represents defeat.
It's ok to get married, but it's not ok to trust men.
It's ok to get a career first and then a family, but it's not ok to put my career before my family.
It's not ok to be single because people will think I am gay, but it's also not ok to be seen with different men because people will think I am a whore.
It's ok to have male companionship, but it's not ok to express to a man how I feel about him.
It's ok to practice monogamy, but it's not ok to have sex without a condom when I get married.
It's ok to always look perfect in public, but it's not ok to care about what other people think of me.
It's ok to be myself no matter what, but it's not ok to let people get to know who I am.
It's ok if I'm not the best so long as I tried, but it's not ok if I don't succeed because people are waiting to see me fail.
It's ok to be there for people who need help, but it's not ok to depend on anyone to help me.
It's ok to love people, but it's not ok to be in love because I will get used.

I am so confused about so many things that it makes me feel like I am lost. Because of that, I don't think what I think matters considering the way I think really aren't my thoughts.

The New Gig

So far the new unit I am in is ok, but I don't think it will last very long. Nobody in rank appears to know what they are doing, nor do they know how to make it work. The only good part is I am out of the office all day. I will be surprised if the unit survives longer than a month. The more important question is what do I do after the unit fizzles out. I guess I will cross that bridge when I get there.

The Hornets won the first round of the NBA playoffs, and I am happy about that. First people said we wouldn't make it to the playoffs. Then people said we wouldn't make it past the first round in the playoffs. Now people are saying we won't beat the Spurs. To all of the doubters all I have to say is this. It sure feels good to be where we are and prove y'all asses wrong. Even if we don't make it past the Spurs, I will still look forward to next season. The Hornets have set records and have broken records, and all they can do is speak in negative terms. I'll be fan no matter what. All the hater's can kiss our ass.

This weekend is the last weekend for jazzfest. Stevie Wonder is playing tonight. I really want to see Stevie, but I can't stand up for hours in a crowd and in the rain. Sorry Stevie. I guess I will have to play your cd's and be content with that. Yeah I can get in free to any jazzfest day I want, but I prefer to sleep this weekend and stay out of the rain.

Damn, Damn, Damn!!!!

I owe the federal government TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS from last years earnings. It didn't hit me until this morning because I was already upset about something else when I recieved the news. What made me reflect on it was the sound of my friend telling me, "You made too much money last year." What? Who the fuck makes "too much money?" Is that even possible? Try telling a homeless person there is such a thing as making too much money. If you do, then that person should jump up and rob your ass. Remind me to do one of two things this year. Either have a child or stop working.

Goodbye Uncle Andrew

About an hour after I got off of the phone with my mother last night, my cousin called me back and informed me that our uncle passed away. I didn't call my mother or my grandmother last night because I didn't know what to say to either of them. I finally gathered enough courage to call my mother today, but I wasn't able to get her on the phone. A few hours after that, I called my grandmother. She sounded fine. She was also in the middle of trying to figure out how to get her sons' body from Chicago to Mississippi. There is also an issue of burial expenses. Its been said that my uncle didn't have an insurance policy. I find that hard to believe. I am wondering if he had a will. Needless to say all of the legal questions came to me. Not that I mind that, but I don't feel comfortable calling my uncle girlfriend asking her about their finances and how she intends to help pay for burial expenses. I don't want to come across as disrespecful in her time of grief, but I do understand why the estate is important. As it stands, Illinois doesn't recognize common law marriage, so their son would inherit my uncle's property. Unless of course there is a will my uncle left that we know nothing about. This is why it's important for people to leave behind a will. That way people don't have to guess about would have made the decedant happy. Of course, if there isn't one, then its a good thing there are laws in place to help resolve nasty battles. It would be something if my uncle intentionally decided not to leave a will and his last lucid thoughts were to let us deal with it after he died. Maybe he figured we needed something to do, or fight over. In any event, I don't plan on doing any fighting for items that aren't mine. I'll sit back and watch. Maybe even referee and make sure nobody gets hit or hurt. That would be some funny shit.

Rest in peace Uncle Andrew....I will always be thinking of you and will miss you.....

I Hate Phones

I am slowly getting to the point that I am no longer a fan of telephones. I am tired of people constantly calling me to complain that I don't call them. That is such useless conversation. But whats more annoying is someone telling me who I should call first. My mother has a brother who is in the hospital. In terms of the phone, the chain of events are as follows: My mother called me at 8:30 this morning, but I didn't answer the phone. She left a voicemail, but I never check my messages until the end of the day. My sister called while I was sleeping sometime this afternoon. I got a phone call from a friend of mine saying my sister was looking for me, so I called my sister back at about 5:15 this evening. My sister told me that our uncle is brain dead, so I figured that's what my mom wanted to tell me. Around 7:00 tonight, I called a cousin of mine to see what, if anything, she knew regarding the status of our uncle. She told me that he has a 50/50 chance of surviving. While I was on the phone with her, my mother called. My mother told me that my uncle is brain dead. At this point, I don't know who to believe. Either someone is brain dead or their not. Its times like this one that I need to sit down with the attending physician, and get an accurate account of where things stand. Anyway, I told my mother about the conversation I had with my cousin, and she got mad because I didn't call her first. Maybe I didn't call my mother first because I don't know what to say to her. Maybe before I dialed her number I was trying to find the right words for that conversation, but all she wanted to do was tell me who I should or shouldn't call first. I guess God saw that an argument was about to happen because my grandmother called my mother causing our conversation to be cut short; which was a good thing. I really do have a problem with petty dislikes, and my family is full of them. I am in no way saying that my family is the only family with stupid and childish problems. I just don't want to be bothered with it. Anybody and everybody in my family who knows me knows that I have a very low tolerance for ignorance. During tragic times like this, I don't think insignificant conversation should take place. It doesn't accomplish anything, and it builds longer bridges widening the gap.

We Tried To Tell Them

I have been thinking about this for almost a week, but I didn't want to post anything and write in a negative tone about the situation. Last week a defendant literally got away with murder. The witness took the stand at trial and said she did not see the shooter in the courtroom. The reason why this annoys me so much is because this particular witness, along with another witness in a separate case, was the cause for our unit being disbanded. When our unit was screening the case, we recommended refusal because the witness and her mother were being a total pain in the ass, and the stepson of the victim was adament that he didn't see who was shooting at him. Never mind the fact that he told his dad (the deceased victim) to drive off because he "got a gun." That case was filled with a bunch of non-cooperating witnesses. However, our unit was made to look like we didn't know what we were doing. I am still somewhat sour about the whole thing, but I am getting better in terms of accepting that it happened. I am just waiting on the other case to come full circle because I am certain that will either result in a not guilty also, or be another dismissal.

Today I called in sick from work. I didn't feel like being bothered. I woke up in one of my moods. I slept the entire weekend which was the cause of me not taking any medicine. When I don't take that medicine, I swear I am a different person. It's almost like being Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde. That shit is weird.

I went on my interview last week. I walked away feeling as though the interview went well, but I don't think I am the person to perform that job. I would hate to be the cause of the organizations' demise. There is way too much room for me to do what I want to do, and that isn't a good thing. I have come to learn in the past two years that I need rules, stucture, and deadlines. If I don't have at least two of those three things, I won't last very long in any profession or at any job. Also, I don't think I am at a point in my career where I want to stop practicing law. This job doesn't come along with anything remotely close to me practicing law. Don't get me wrong, the job has its perks. Positive ones I might add, but now is not the time for me to get into something like that.

The Week In Review

Last week I was completely off track. I didn't want to get out of bed to go to work, and I arrived late to court every single day last week. It all went downhill when I went into the office last Saturday. I got there at 6:45 am, and I didn't leave until two o'clock. Having only one day off from the office really took a toll on me. I don't think I remained at work after I left court. Monday I wasn't feeling well, and Tuesday I felt drowsy because I took too much theraflu and a sleeping pill. Talk about stupid.

My best friend is too scared to go to Jamaica. She "can't be without her children for a whole week." Such a wimp. Truth is if her boyfriend had to leave out of town for a week for work or a vacation, you better believe his ass is gone. Not my crazy friend though. She'd rather sit at home and be like Ceily from the Color Purple. "You told Harpo to beat me!" I love that movie!!!!

For a while I thought I didn't have to stress over possibly leaving my job. I received an email this past week and I have a job interview this Tuesday. I hope I do well. I am somewhat eager to see what will come of all this.

A jury in Crowley, Louisiana found a man not guilty for the death of a young man who died at the hands of the bouncers at a popular nightclub in the French Quarters. That verdict should have been negligent homicide at least, and that's all I will say about that.

Hopefully this week will be better, and I will get back on schedule taking my medicine. The doctor told me that he knows when I am taking my medicine, and when I'm not. The outcome of that visit was I will be on anti-depressants for the rest of my life probably. Life's a bitch with a desire to be a widow....

She Didn't Do Bad

So my best friend came by, and conducted my session in my counselor's absence. She did pretty good. I must admit there were a few moments when I almost cried during our discussion, but I fought it. The last thing I want is for the both of us to be crying. I really think my friend should have entered the field of psychiatry. She is an excellent listener, and she has a way of making me realize things about myself. She is just smart. Maybe that's why I love her so much. Thank you friend.....

Over the next few days, I will have a few things to think about and consider. While I have been sleeping at night, I couldn't stop my mind from thinking last night. I couldn't relax and fall asleep. Hopefully that won't be the case tonight. I plan to get up early in the moring and stop at the office before I go to court. I am hoping I won't be in court all day; which I shouldn't. I just have a lot of catching up to do, and victims to interview for upcoming cases. I am anticipating a phone call tomorrow that might change the current status of my career. I haven't posted anything in my blog about it yet, but by this weekend something should be posted about it. I am going to get ready for bed. I feel funny saying that considering its only 8:49 pm.

I wonder if my counselor is on a beach in Hawaii sipping a Mai Tai out of a coconut right about now. That's what I would be doing. :-)

Missing Element

I want to start this blog by thanking my best friend for making alterations to her schedule so that my week could maintain some consistency. She certainly has a lot on her plate before, during, and after work. I feel guilty for even trying to occupy one hour of her time. I hope she doesn't think that I am being difficult with her, but I just want to make sure she has time to set aside for me. If not, then I certainly understand. Ordinarily, I sit with my counselor for an hour one day out of the week, and I get to talk about whatever I want to within that hour. Needless to say I talk about everything but what I should talk about, and sometimes my counselor does more talking than I do. But last week, I think I actually brought up a conversation about the most traumatic experience in my life. Because my counselor is enjoying Hawaii at this very moment, that's how my best friend comes into the picture. However, I am having second thoughts about talking to my best friend as though she were my counselor. I guess I am having second thoughts because I don't want to add my stress to her. I sometimes don't want to talk to my counselor because I don't want to depress her, but she reminds me thats why I come to see her every week. However, its different with my best friend. I know I can talk to her about anything, and she knows everything about me. I am just scared she will see a side of me that may upset her. I've realized that the only time I discuss with my best friend what happened to me is only when she brings it up. Otherwise, I don't think I initiate much discussion with her about it. Having said all of that. I think it might be better if I wait patiently for my counselor to return so that I can resume my weekly sessions.

Yeah I Said It

I have a few things to say, and I want to say them because they need to be said:

First and foremost.....FUCK BARACK OBAMA!!!!!!!And to hell with everyone jumping on the bandwagon. When his ass say something of substance, then I will listen to him and take him seriously as a politician. I don't want to hear shit about hope, change, and the future. HOPE is as strong today and tomorrow as it was yesterday. In other words, hope just perpetuate itself with the assistance of people who don't know how to achieve what it is they hope for or are too stupid to realize what they are hoping for will never happen; like racial harmony. Why do I say that. Because there are people on this earth who only see race and nothing past it. Its sad but true. Nobody likes CHANGE unless they just broke a one-hundred dollar bill, and nobody is promised to live to see the FUTURE. So stop supporting this empty rhetoric. Barack and his militant pastor can carry they asses back to Africa with that bullshit he preaching about.

Second....Black people are supporting Barack because he is black. So here is what I will do. I will follow this dumb ass logic and vote for Hillary Clinton because she is a woman and so am I. God forbid people support a candidate based upon issues that are important in this country. God forbid people consider whether a candidate is actually qualified to run the country. Only one-sided people think its okay to elect someone to run the country because of race. What kind of dumb ass thinking is that. And if people are going to say that they are supporting Barack because this country has never had a black president, then why can't they support Hillary. This country has never had a female president. There have only been male presidents and vice-presidents. But this just goes to show that women have to fight hard as hell to be taken seriously and noticed. Hillary has proven herself in politics over a span of years, and out of nowhere comes some half-breed who knows just the right words to say and not to say so that he doesn't piss off white people. And he knows all he has to do is tell black people he is running for president and that is enough. Don't worry Hillary. You will at least have my support on election day because I know what its like to be a woman in a profession where you have to force your way to the front, stand up, be heard, and be taken seriously as something other than a sex object to men.

Third....If Obama wins over Hillary, then I am voting republican for the first time in my life!!!!!

This Was A Good Day

Coming off of a horrible two weeks, I enjoyed today. The only thing I didn't get to do was get my hair washed. So I have to wait a couple of days. I didn't fall asleep until about five o'clock this morning, but I crawled out of bed around eleven this morning. I took a bath, and headed out to Best Buy and completed my sound system upgrade. I have installed a four channel amplifier to produce the highs and mid-range sound for the five-way speakers in my car. I also installed a two channel amplifier for the sub-woofer I also installed. That way all the bass (the lows in the five way speakers) comes through the sub-woofer. I truly believe I have found love. My system sounds so nice. I have the sound that I want coming from my sub-woofer, and I have the sound being produced from my tweeters and super-tweeters. Now guess what else I am thinking of adding to my car. Take a second and think about it.....If you guessed it, then you are either a genius or you really know me. SATELLITE RADIO!!!!!!! I like the channels available on it. I think I will add that to my car in the next couple of weeks to come. I think this will be the car I commit to for a long time because of the installation. My sound system is like my road to freedom while driving. I love music just that much. I can listen to anything and watch anything on dvd in my car. It's like having a living room on wheels. I am so excited about it!!!! While I was waiting for my car at Best Buy, I decided to grab something to eat since I was hungry. The waitress was nice. For some reason she felt a little sorry for me that I was dining alone. Eating alone has never bothered me. It gives me time to think. So while I was eating my lunch, I decided to contact my cousin in Baton Rouge to see if she was at home. She was home, so I decided to drive there to see her. I haven't seen her since she moved to Baton Rouge from Wisconsin. Not to mention I haven't been to Baton Rouge since I graduated law school almost five years ago. Baton Rouge has developed so much, and I realized how much I enjoyed living in Baton Rouge. I am actually thinking about finding a job there and moving back. Its so much more peaceful there than it is here in New Orleans. And it helped me recapture what my life was like before all of the turmoil. I stayed with my cousin longer than I expected. I would have spent the night, but I didn't have a change of clothes or a toothbrush. I didn't have any of my medicine either. But I will make my way back there really soon.

In ending, I would like to thank Best Buy for my new found happiness, and I'd like to say thank you to my cousin for making me smile, laugh, and clown around like we used to do before our lives changed drastically. I guess sometimes you just have to say fuck it, and listen to all the great music from the 90's. "Luv ya" Pass!!!!

And Now......

This week and last week was not kind. I feel pressure coming from every angle and all I want to do is crawl in a hole and die. I am so tired of people expecting the world from me. I can't do it. I can't provide that much. I am running on E right now. All I have done for the past two weeks was drink and do drugs. This morning I didn't go to work and I didn't call in. I am back in this phase and I don't know how to pull myself out. Its so hard to say out loud what I am feeling, so I posted something on my poem segment to the right of this blog.

The Only Good News

The only good news I have to report this week is that Janet cd is number 1 on Billboards R&B charts for the second week in a row. Her cd is also number two on Billboards Top 200. Well done J.....

Doubters

To all of you who didn't believe it could be done. To all of you who decided not to buy the latest cd from Janet. Guess what.....Her cd hit number 1 on Billboard's top 200. That's all I have to say....."Do you like my style.....yeah that's sexy, sexy, sexy...."

Constantly Thinking

For at least four nights this week, two pills of ambien has helped me fall asleep at night. One thing I have noticed before falling asleep is that I can't stop thinking about work, my fear of people, or being raped. Obviously that is the source of sleep deprivation. Thursday night I didn't take any ambien because after work I went out for drinks with co-workers. Apparently all of the judges decided to be assholes to the prosecutors, so for most of us it was a rough day. Because I had been drinking, I decided not to take any sleeping pills; therefore, I couldn't fall asleep. Last night I went out with a friend of mine to play pool, and I consumed more alcohol. I made it home around two in the morning, but I couldn't fall asleep until six this morning. My mind was constantly thinking about the same things. Alcohol no longer takes me away from my reality. The ambien; however, does. The only problem is I can't stay asleep forever. Between judges expecting the world of me, a job that I think about quitting on almost a daily basis, and a past I have difficulty confronting, I literally have nowhere to run. For the most part, I take comfort in knowing that the anit-depresant medicine is working really well. It helps me get through the day and I am in a good mood all day. Its only when I get in my bed at night that I become apprehensive and feel unsafe. I don't exactly know how to cure that defect, but its becoming increasingly difficult to ignore. I think I have found relief at night again in the ambien; even if it proves temporary. History has dictated that sleeping pills for me have an effect for about three to six months, and then stop working. I will enjoy my sleep while I can.

The Latest Release From An Icon

For a week now, I have been listening to Janet's new cd titled Discipline. On a scale of one to ten, I give it an 8. I like all of the fast tunes; however, the slow songs I can do without. Two of them are a little too sappy for me, and the other two really don't catch my ear. My favorite tracks are: Feedback, Luv, Rollercoaster, and The One (featuring Missy Elliot). What I found interesting is that Janet didn't write any of the songs; so overall I am impressed with the fact that the writers were able to create songs that fit Janet. Usually there are two or three samples of other songs from other artists on her cd, but that is not the case with this cd. I have been trying to find out exactly where the cd is on Billboards, but that has been a little difficult to obtain. My expectations are that many people won't purchase her cd. I am sure that has to be hard for an artist who has been in entertainment since childhood. Janet is a phenomenon, but its tuff competing with young, fresh, new talent (or lack thereof). I think at this stage in Janet's career her fan base is what keeps her afloat. Unfortunately there are critcs who believe Janet should just hang up the singing career because of her age. Janet is 41 years old and still has a name in this business. That says a lot. I don't know many other artist who have been in the music industry over twenty years, and can still sell out a concert. By no stretch of the imagination should Janet give up on her music career. If she loves to do it, then to hell with the critics. I guess thats what critics are for. I just hope Janet realizes that the critics will find a reason to put her music down simply because of her age and her last name. As a fan, I will continue to buy her music as long as she keeps releasing cd's. Its the least I can do to show my support in a world and in a business that is so dead set on staying forever young.

The Single Life Part II

For the most part, women say they don't want to be in a relationship because they haven't met that "special one," or "Mr. Right." So usually women are just blowing smoke or giving excuses for being single. However, this week has taught me something. The reality is I don't want to be with anyone on the serious tip. I have a friend who is in town. He and I have been intimate in the past, but I honestly don't want to be alone with him. I had so much anxiety when he asked me when could he see me. I knew at that point I am in tune with being alone. I can't be in a relationship right now. Someone once said to thy ownself be true. I agree with that 100%. One thing going to California taught me was that I shouldn't try to force something that doesn't fit. I tried that with once and it didn't work, and I don't plan on trying it again.

The Single Life

This weekend I did absolutely nothing but sleep. Nothing different from any other weekend of mine. As I was lying in my bed under the covers, I realize that I don't want to be bothered with the outside world. But what I also realized is that I don't want to share my space with anyone. I like my quiet time. I like the solitude that I have. I invite being alone. And most importantly, I don't want to be in a relationship with anyone. During this past week, I saw how some men are controlling in a relationship. I saw how easy it is losing your identity. I saw how much responsibility comes along with being in a relationship. Not to mention the thought of kids. That scares the hell out of me. Now the flip side to all of this leaves me with the lingering question. That question is what am I so afraid of. Why am I so against relationships, marriage, family? Why am I so selfish to the point that all I want to do is spend my money on me and not share it with anyone? Why do wake up every morning hoping not to meet anyone that would spark some form of interest? I think the answer stems from my childhood. For as long as I can remember, all my parents have done is argue. Argue over senseless shit, and argue of valid shit. I have never seen any compromise, but I have seen possible infidelity on both parts. I have seen the pain of being in poverty. I have seen the embarrassment of not being able to adequately provide for a family. And I am all too familiar with feeling like a burden because my parents had to provide clothing, food and shelter for me. I felt like my parents would have been able to do more with and for each other if I were never in the picture. I am scared that if I ever got married I would have the same senseless arguments, and whatever child I have would be depressed just like I was as a child. When I think about all of that, it just doesn't seem worth it.

A Few Dumb Men

I am not one to pay attention to too many things or people for that matter. The older I get, the more of a loner I seem to become. Not to mention since my best friend told me I was high maintenance, I really feel like I am better off by myself. If you didn't read the post regarding high maintenance women, its the February 9th post that I just posted today. But back to this blog. In my line of business I meet a lot of police officers. There have only been one or two to catch my eye over a span of five years, and even they didn't keep my attention span. I will admit there was one that I had sex with and I haven't called him since, but I can't help it if I lost interest in him after sex. In recent weeks, there has been another cop whom I found attractive, but I wasn't interested enough to find out more about him. One night he called to see if I needed him in court the following day. As Iwas talking to him, I heard a newborn baby crying in the background. I asked if it was his baby and he said yes. Because the baby was only four months, I figured it safe to assume that a woman was in the picture. With that in mind, I certainly didn't give him any additional thought. However, fatherhood didn't stop him from placing another call to me asking me if my phone call to him (weeks ago) was personal or business. The phone call was business and it was a return call to him regarding a case. I told him the nature of the call and I inquired into why he was asking. He told me he found me attractive. However, I had to be honest and tell him I figured he was at least involved with someone considering he has a four month old baby. He told me that he is married, BUT has extra-marital affairs. That was a huge turnoff to me. That conversation inspired this blog. Here is a list of things men do that turns me off.

1. I admire the honesty of a man who tells me upfront that he is married. What I hate is when he calls me everyday and have the audacity to ask me why I don't call him back or call him at all. Hey jackass.....you're married!!! I don't owe you no fucking explanation as to why I don't return your calls or call you at all.

2. I hate it when a man constantly call me knowing I am sick, and all he wants to do is talk about himself. Hey jackass....I am sick!!!! That's why I'm not answering the fucking phone. Quit calling me.

3. I hate it when a man constantly talk about how good they are when it comes to sex and how often he has to have sex. Hey jackass....if you have to tell a woman about how good you are in bed, that usually means you suck at sex!!!! Shut the fuck up.

4. I hate it when a man says the only thing a white woman can do for him is point him in the direction of a sister. Hey jackass....my last name ain't X or Shabazz. There's nothing wrong with interracial dating. Trust me when I say I look past color when it comes to men.

5. I hate it when a man pops up in court to talk to me because I didn't answer my phone, then sit around and wait until I am finish with court. Hey jackass....I am at work doing what I get paid to do. If I wanted to talk to you, then I would answer the phone when you call or call you back once I have realized that I have missed your call. Leave me the fuck alone.

If any one wants to add to the list of turnoffs, then feel free to amend. This is not the list in its entirety, but it certainly is a start....

Making It Through

Needless to say, I kept myself occupied yesterday. The only time I thought about what happened on February 13, 2005 was when I stopped work for a few seconds to figure out what to do next to keep me busy. The good news is I didn't cry at all. The bad news is I haven't slept at all this week, and I can't remember the last time I actually fell asleep. I am beginning to think my body is deliberately fighting sleep. My mind can't stop thinking; therefore, I can't relax. It's such a struggle to go to sleep such that I find myself trying to force myself to sleep. Long gone are the days that sleep came naturally. In addition to three years passing, I would like to think that I am making affirmative steps towards healing. The main objective is to stop blaming myself. In the back of my mind I keep thinking I could have avoided all of this by not answering my phone when he called. I have been kicking myself for that every single day. I feel like I compromised so much just by answering the damn phone. I guess that will be one of my major regrets until the day I die.

Valentine's Day wasn't so bad. This year, my valentine was my nephew. I bought so much candy for him all he could say was wow. I also bought candy for four of my co-workers, my best friend, and her daughters. It actually felt good giving someone candy for Valentine's Day. I can honestly say this was the first time I ever bought candy for someone on Valentine's Day. It didn't bother me at all that I didn't get anything for the holiday. I certainly wasn't expecting anything considering I am a single woman. I don't think I have any admirer's, so I felt good about not getting anything. To receive something would have been stressful for me because I am not interested in anyone, and I don't want anyone to be interested in me. Having said that, I realize I am so opposite many other women who would love to get candy and roses just for show. Maybe I am a geek in disquise and just don't know it yet....

What Makes A Woman "High Maintenance"

For the last week or so, I have been thinking about what makes a man call a woman high maintenance. My best friend and I were having a conversation over dinner, and she told me that she thinks I am high maintenance. I was shocked when she said it to me, but it made me think about what high maintenance really means. I did my research and found a definition I think defines what a high mainenance woman is to most men. A high maintenance woman is broadly defined as women who need many things (money, material goods, affection) to be happy. These women love dressing up whenever possible, and are obsessed with all aspects of their personal appearance and grooming in general. This almost obsessive attention to detail usually extends beyond their person, to their homes or apartments, their pets, and yes, even their men. In addition, they tend to be perfectionists, overachievers, self-centered, and a bit vain.

Quite frankly, I see nothing wrong with that definition because that is what most men look for in a woman. Most men I know love it when a woman dresses in the latest fashion. Be it business or casual/club scene attire. Men would prefer a woman who spends time grooming herself; i.e. hairstyle, manicure, pedicure, no excessive hair anywhere except on her head, fragrance, etc. Men certainly want a woman who keeps her apartment/house clean, and every man loves it when a woman spends money on them. So why is it that a man has a problem dating what he claims to be a high manitenance woman when that's the very woman he chooses or dreams about? The answer is men are so damn cheap that they don't want to spend money on anyone but themselves. Now I don't think I am high maintenance because I buy the things I want, nor do I wait around for someone to get it for me. It would be different if I expected a man to get the material things that I want, but I don't. I honestly think if I were in a relationship I still would spend my money on me because that's the reason why I work. I went to law school so that I could pamper myself whenever I see fit.

So to all the men who have a problem with so called high maintenance women I say this...... Get a better paying job bi-otch!!!!! Get rich bitch!!!!!!! LMAO!!!

An Enemy Of Mine

I was in my office on Wednesday and I decided to rearrange the furniture in my office. Dust flew everywhere. I began to feel like all of the dust settled in my lungs. As soon as I walked inside of my apartment, my body started aching all over. It was difficult to sleep because no matter how I positioned myself, it hurt to lay down. I managed to go to court on Thursday, but I stayed home today. Unfortunately I couldn't get an appointment with my doctor to get a prescription for antibiotics. The earliest is Monday. So I have to suffer in silence at home until I can get some medication. I am hoping it will subside over the weekend, but even if it does it will resurface if I don't take the antibiotics. As it stands, for the past two days I have been feeling miserable. I honestly thought taking nyquil along with lunesta would really knock me out for at least eight hours. But at best, I only slept two hours. After two hours of sleep, I'd wake up and try to make myself fall asleep again. Right now the only things hurting on me are my eyes, head, ears, neck, and upper back. Thats a little better than my entie body hurting.

What Does It Mean To Be Free

Its amazing how the opinion of another person can mentally bind you. I spoke with my mother earlier tonight and the conversation ended sour. My temper is relatively short these days; therefore, I have a tendency to say whats on my mind. But I left that conversation realizing that I am not comfortable with me based upon what she thinks of me. Its a shame that at 34 years old, I am concerned about what the next person thinks of me and how they think I should look. As a result of this level of discomfort, I realized that I am not free. I see myself as an unattractive, overweight person who is destined to be single until I look a certain way. Why do I think this way? Because that is what my mother keeps telling me. Its gotten to the point that she wants to dictate what I wear when I leave my home. Keep in mind that I don't even live with my mother nor does she see me everyday. When she does see me I am wearing jeans, a t-shirt, a pair of shorts; something comfortable that doesn't remind me of work. Therefore, she thinks I don't look decent when I leave my house, and I should dress better than I do just in case I "meet somebody to marry." According to my mother, no man will want me if I look shabby. Maybe that's true to an extent. But do I really want to be with a man that wants me to look like the next top model everyday including the times I am just lounging around. Now here's the funny part. If I tell my mother how much money I spend monthly in Brooks Brothers for clothes she would tell me I spend too much money. Go figure.....

Ironically, yesterday I purchased and read a book titled The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran. The book has only 96 pages, so I read it within three hours. Its a very interesting read so I recommend it. A passage from the book reads:
And an orator said, speak to us of freedom. And he (the prophet) answered....You shall be free indeed when your days are not without a care nor your nights without a want and a grief, but rather when these things girdle your life and yet you rise above them naked and unbound.

That passage, among others in this book, made me think. All of the things that my mother says to me, or what other people may think, or even what I think weighs heavlily on me. But its only when I don't succumb to it, and still live happily, or look at the many other factors that make me realize that I am a blessed individual; thats what will make me free. Its time for me to change my way of thinking and be free....

Very Little To Talk About

For the past month, I have intentionally neglected to write on my blog. I have been somewhat to myself, and really didn't want to expose much about my thoughts. But I think I am back in full swing now. It's the mardi gras season here in the city, and parades and people are everywhere in the city once again. Rain has been an enemy of the season thus far, but all that means is more parades on another night. I haven't been to any of the parades of course. I am not big on crowds. Not to mention when you've lived in New Orleans for thirty-four years mardi gras is just like Christmas to me. Only day of true significance to me is my birthday, and that is mainly because I think being a saggitarius is the best zodiac sign ever. Other than that, work is work. I am still trying to make my exit mark. Its taking a little longer than what I expected, but I have been having fun in the office. One of my former co-workers came back to the office. I am certainly glad to see her. She and I have a lot of fun together. Today, she and I along with several other co-workers ate lunch at Gordon-Bierch. They had beers with their lunch. I had lemonade and was laughed at. Now they all know I don't drink beer, but for some reason they expected me to have some type of alcohol with my lunch. Its not odd for attorney's to drink at lunch, but I didn't see the need to today. Not to mention, I really didn't feel much like drinking. That's a big step for me. I never pass on alcohol at anytime of the day. But today was different for some reason.

Aside from all of that, I have a day of infamy approaching. I have had dreams every night about the same person that will probably haunt me for the rest of my life. I am trying not to think about this person, but it bothers me when I wake up with my clothes and bed sheets wet from sweating profusely. I will explain later what my dreams have entailed and other factors surrounding my mental state. I just don't feel like discussing it right now.

One Step Closer

Happy New Year!!!!!!!! I hope everyone had a wonderful christmas and I hope everyone has plans to be a better person striving for better things. Over the christmas break, I had a few days to think about what I want for the new year. The one thing I am certain of is that I want less stress. My job carries a shit load of it. So I am taking steps to get another job so that I will be able to start my law practice. Tomorrow I will speak with the person who is the driving force behind the incentive for me to work for me. I have talked about this for years now, and since our unit was disbanded, I was truly on the verge of quitting. But I think I have a more solid plan right now, or at least a way to get out of the office, and make money. Two of my colleagues are in agreeance with me, and they are ready for the joint business venture of a law practice. I truly believe the three of us can corner the market as exceptional female defense attorneys. This city has so many male defense attorney's who are reputable, but it lacks female defense lawyers. This is where we step in. The opportunity is getting closer to me. I can feel it. In the weeks to come, I will decide on whether I will run down my sick time, then submit my two weeks notice while collecting my vacation time in the form of a check. Strive to do better this year folks......Everything else is just plain bullshit......