Making It Through

Needless to say, I kept myself occupied yesterday. The only time I thought about what happened on February 13, 2005 was when I stopped work for a few seconds to figure out what to do next to keep me busy. The good news is I didn't cry at all. The bad news is I haven't slept at all this week, and I can't remember the last time I actually fell asleep. I am beginning to think my body is deliberately fighting sleep. My mind can't stop thinking; therefore, I can't relax. It's such a struggle to go to sleep such that I find myself trying to force myself to sleep. Long gone are the days that sleep came naturally. In addition to three years passing, I would like to think that I am making affirmative steps towards healing. The main objective is to stop blaming myself. In the back of my mind I keep thinking I could have avoided all of this by not answering my phone when he called. I have been kicking myself for that every single day. I feel like I compromised so much just by answering the damn phone. I guess that will be one of my major regrets until the day I die.

Valentine's Day wasn't so bad. This year, my valentine was my nephew. I bought so much candy for him all he could say was wow. I also bought candy for four of my co-workers, my best friend, and her daughters. It actually felt good giving someone candy for Valentine's Day. I can honestly say this was the first time I ever bought candy for someone on Valentine's Day. It didn't bother me at all that I didn't get anything for the holiday. I certainly wasn't expecting anything considering I am a single woman. I don't think I have any admirer's, so I felt good about not getting anything. To receive something would have been stressful for me because I am not interested in anyone, and I don't want anyone to be interested in me. Having said that, I realize I am so opposite many other women who would love to get candy and roses just for show. Maybe I am a geek in disquise and just don't know it yet....