The Single Life

This weekend I did absolutely nothing but sleep. Nothing different from any other weekend of mine. As I was lying in my bed under the covers, I realize that I don't want to be bothered with the outside world. But what I also realized is that I don't want to share my space with anyone. I like my quiet time. I like the solitude that I have. I invite being alone. And most importantly, I don't want to be in a relationship with anyone. During this past week, I saw how some men are controlling in a relationship. I saw how easy it is losing your identity. I saw how much responsibility comes along with being in a relationship. Not to mention the thought of kids. That scares the hell out of me. Now the flip side to all of this leaves me with the lingering question. That question is what am I so afraid of. Why am I so against relationships, marriage, family? Why am I so selfish to the point that all I want to do is spend my money on me and not share it with anyone? Why do wake up every morning hoping not to meet anyone that would spark some form of interest? I think the answer stems from my childhood. For as long as I can remember, all my parents have done is argue. Argue over senseless shit, and argue of valid shit. I have never seen any compromise, but I have seen possible infidelity on both parts. I have seen the pain of being in poverty. I have seen the embarrassment of not being able to adequately provide for a family. And I am all too familiar with feeling like a burden because my parents had to provide clothing, food and shelter for me. I felt like my parents would have been able to do more with and for each other if I were never in the picture. I am scared that if I ever got married I would have the same senseless arguments, and whatever child I have would be depressed just like I was as a child. When I think about all of that, it just doesn't seem worth it.