Constantly Thinking

For at least four nights this week, two pills of ambien has helped me fall asleep at night. One thing I have noticed before falling asleep is that I can't stop thinking about work, my fear of people, or being raped. Obviously that is the source of sleep deprivation. Thursday night I didn't take any ambien because after work I went out for drinks with co-workers. Apparently all of the judges decided to be assholes to the prosecutors, so for most of us it was a rough day. Because I had been drinking, I decided not to take any sleeping pills; therefore, I couldn't fall asleep. Last night I went out with a friend of mine to play pool, and I consumed more alcohol. I made it home around two in the morning, but I couldn't fall asleep until six this morning. My mind was constantly thinking about the same things. Alcohol no longer takes me away from my reality. The ambien; however, does. The only problem is I can't stay asleep forever. Between judges expecting the world of me, a job that I think about quitting on almost a daily basis, and a past I have difficulty confronting, I literally have nowhere to run. For the most part, I take comfort in knowing that the anit-depresant medicine is working really well. It helps me get through the day and I am in a good mood all day. Its only when I get in my bed at night that I become apprehensive and feel unsafe. I don't exactly know how to cure that defect, but its becoming increasingly difficult to ignore. I think I have found relief at night again in the ambien; even if it proves temporary. History has dictated that sleeping pills for me have an effect for about three to six months, and then stop working. I will enjoy my sleep while I can.